Thursday, April 26, 2012

Brown Girls shouldn’t have brown Vaginas part 2

Since I had a lot to say, and always do… I had to cut the writer short last time… & since he says it so well, here’s the rest of what he had to say regarding colour & genitals (in case you missed part one of this post, you can read it here)

The modern recourse is to blame everything on colonization and cultural imperialism, but equating feminine beauty with fairness is not a post-colonial phenomenon, not even if we look at imperialism before the industrial/capital driven one in the last few centuries; it seems pervasive in many eras and cultures, even within predominantly ‘white’ cultures themselves. Not all white women have pink genitalia, but that seems to be the standard for them as well, if the internet and pornography and feminist critiques are anything to go by.

Moreover, there wasnt just an internalized racism at play here. These men did watch pornography but did not hold the same colour standards for themselves (after all pornography involves both sets of genitalia). In fact, when it came to the penis, colour paled in comparison to the importance of size; where both pornography and popular perception (and perhaps even empirical evidence, I am no expert) suggests that ‘black’ people have the biggest penises.

Penises become a source of great envy and personal complexes for men, and despite the similarly prejudiced notion that the colour black is not aesthetically appealing, it still becomes the ideal because of the sheer power and prestige associated with magnitude.

In a weird way, one which resists reductions to racism or cultural colonization, the black penis and the pink vagina seemed to be the genital ideals.

* * *

The fact that we have ‘genital ideals’ is pretty surprising for me really… its not an issue I had given much thought to prior to this brown vagina conversation. Of course I am familiar with mens’ obsession with penis size, but anything other than that had not crossed my mind. I wondered if black people had the same colour prejudices when it came to genitals as brown people did… did black guys expect black girls to have pink vaginas like brown guys supposedly expect brown girls to have? I decided to ask an African-Canadian friend.

Of course by now, none of my friends are surprised by the bizarre questions I ask or types of conversations I have with them. I am lovingly called a perv… but clearly they aren’t familiar with the true definition of that word :P

After much beating around the bush and uncomfortable answers that were going nowhere, my friend ‘B’ finally decided to open up:

B: ok, the first time i saw a dark vagina, i have to admit i didn't know what to think, i had thought they were all light coloured. so i can see where they (he’s referring to the group of men mentioned in my previous post about this topic) get that idea from, and just urban myths take it from there, if that’s what everyone is telling you what else are you supposed to think? I had the benefit of not knowing anything, so i was a clean slate

me: well why did u think they were all supposed to be light? porn? did u think a black girl would have a pink vagina?

B: partly porn yes, and also because i had never thought of it till i actually saw one that wasn't, once i realized, it made sense

B: it was an unconscious assumption

me: yeah but if u hadn’t thought about it… why had the picture of a light one popped into ur virgin brain as the standard?

B: because thats all that i had seen

me: where? porn?

B: from the very little porn that i had seen

me: but that was ur only source?

B: at the time, yea

me: and as a black guy it didn’t occur to u that black girls may not have vaginas that looked like that?

B: lol, u overestimate a man's ability to think clearly in a sexual situation

me: cummon now

B: seriously, do you think that’s what we're thinking, that we rationally try to analyze things? we're trying to not cum in our pants and hoping the girl doesn't laugh at how little we know

B: the only time a man's able to have any type of rational thought at that point is if he’s having sex with a girl that he has no feelings for whatsoever, like a prostitute, like i said, afterwards you are able to realize, but at the time? not so much

B: and following this post, you may want to do another about girl’s reactions to un/circumcised penises

me: I’d do one, but it wouldn’t really apply to my readers since most of them are Muslims, I assume all the men are circumcised. So there wouldn’t be much variance in opinion.


So, obviously he doesn’t represent ‘all black guys’ or anything, but just in the context of this conversation with him.. its interesting to see that he too fell victim to the expectations set up by the average Caucasian porn vagina.

Of course, he’s not a dickwad, so he doesn’t have idiotic thoughts like ‘dark vaginas are loose’ or ‘dark vaginas give you STDs’ – for him it was a simple case of not thinking it through (apparently they can’t rationalize when aroused..heh… who’d a thunk), and expecting to see what he had always seen on screen. For the Pakistani’s previously mentioned, there was value placed on the lightness of the vagina. There was prejudice and disgust….

I conclude that a lack of exposure and (sexual) education/awareness are the reasons for difference in perception between the Pakistani men and my friend B. Despite the fact that B was taken aback because his expectations had been set up by pornography, once his logic kicked in… a variety in colours made sense to him. And that’s really all it is. People come in different colours, so do penises… then why not vaginas?

As I’ve mentioned time and time again. Pakistanis need more Sex Ed.
One basic tenet of sexual health I’d like to emphasize is: use a rubber people! I know of waaay too many Pakistani men that cheat on their wives with random women/men, and don’t even have the decency to wrap it up. Not only do they risk unwanted pregnancy…. But they bring home diseases to their wives. Sad part is, a lot of these women know what’s going on but are afraid to question their spouses about it.

So one step at a time towards sexual health. If we can’t teach these kinds of men to respect women yet. At least we can make them aware about the risks of unprotected sex.

Qondoms all the way! :)

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

Ayesha, Female, 28
Immensely. It is a far more important aspect of our identities and perceptions of self than are religion or nationality or ethnicity. Under no circumstance should we internalize hatred or derision based on our sexuality, and that can only come through understanding and accepting yourself for what you are.

Layla, Female, 19
It is yes, but I’m still deciding on the right age to be educated. It all depends on the individual and how and what they do with the knowledge.

Ambreen, Female, 28
i think its extremely important.... its ur body u should know what u like and what u dont like

Mariam, Female, 26
Absolutely…its absolutely important…being educated about something makes it a little more real and less perverse…our country needs to do that desperately… because right now sex is seen as something sooooo dirty at the grassroot level…awareness on the topic is so flawed… its leads to a lot of frustration in our population…. Not just the men...the women too….this frustration leads to a level of sickness in the men especially in our country, that actually makes me want to kill myself…from time to time…. – I have been at the receiving end of some of these frustrations…and it really makes you want to … even if not kill yourself… kill them! It makes you want to completely remove yourself from it. I do not consider myself a part of this country for this reason essentially! Fine we have other problems… but this is not something that can ever be a part of my reality…and I think that its going to drag our country down…as it has. It can change… but its probably gonna take close to a hundred years…and I don’t have that kinda time. And this book… will have some effect… but generally the people who will end up reading this book will probably already be on the right track or some form of the right track….i think the people im probably talking about …which make up the majority of the sickness of this country…will probably not come across this book… or if they do…will probably not pick it up and read it. They’ll regard it as either rubbish or trash or promiscuous or whatever…so I don’t think it will change anything at the grassroot level.

Fatima, Female, 25
I think its something that lacks greatly in our country and it needs to be done because we are sexual beings…I grew up with confused sexuality… I didn’t even know what side of the sexual spectrum I was on – now I’ve figured it out... and my theory is that the whole world is bisexual…just to different degrees.

Sumeira, Female, 25
Of course it’s important. You should know yourself; you should know your body first. So yea – there should be that awareness, you should know what you’re doing. We don’t talk about it … and people don’t know – in this society most people are segregated…

Zobia, Female, 22
Absolutely! I think it’s really ridiculous how they don’t teach sex ed in Pakistan. It is extremely important in my opinion and can prevent disease, unwanted pregnancy and eliminate the completely unaware and unknowing attitude our people have towards something that is a part of everyone’s lives.

Saira, Female, 22
absolutely! yes! I think so.

Rabia Female, 23
Yes definitely. A lack of education on sexuality is what has caused it to become an increasingly ‘unmentionable’ topic. Raise the issue, address it in the right manner according to religious/moral guidelines if you’d like, but discuss it – spread awareness!

Farah, Female, 29
Yes – I think so . I’d love to help write a curriculum for sex-ed in Pakistan.

Sam, Female, 28
O yes. and its not like sex-ed is sexy, its actually anything but, its very scientific medical stuff. but it clarifies your basics and it really instills in you the kind of caution you should exercise. Like i said most info is pretty unreliable kids receive is through other kids or sources like porn.

Maliha, Female, 21
I do. I don’t know what the deal is with people who think sexual knowledge is all inborn. Anyone who thinks that should meet the couple one of my friends encountered in her clinic – they’d been doing anal sex for years and actually came to the clinic for infertility issues – when they examined the woman it turned out she was still a virgin. They’d simply been doing it wrong. Methods aside, its absolutely necessary to teach safe sex practices. That can be done easily in a normal school background. But something else that needs to be taught and needs a gentler setting such as the home is simply about how to respect one’s own body and be aware of it – as well as how to respect other people’s bodies and privacy…too little of that is done, which is why so many people end up confused and weird and may even be molested without understanding what’s happening.

Mahreen, Female, 26
To some extent, yes. Having a broader, more liberal worldview may make you far more open to different experiences, but then again I’ve seen lots of uneducated people having uninhibited, kinky sex.

Next time, what my male interviewees have to say about education & sexual awareness.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Sexin' Islamic Girls

*Straying away from the desi’s for a second*

This morning, my husband showed me a video on Youtube. With a name like ‘Sexin’ Islamic Girls’ of course I was intrigued….and I’m always in favour of tongue-in-cheek humour that comments on the cancer that is religious extremism.

But that definitely wasn’t the case when came to this song…sure, in the description they’re ridiculing Nigerian Jihadist terrorist group Boko Haram - which should be done time and time again. But my issue lies with the grouping of all muslims with such groups. Here's a sample from their lovely lyrics:

Everyday when the Boko Haram go off on various missions, the FOKN Bois keep their wiveses, sisters and daughters company

How offensive is it that they’re using the wives (or wiveses, as they say) sisters and daughters to hit ‘em where it hurts? The women related to these terrorist assholes probably don’t have much say in their activities. Objectifying them and portraying them in this manner is more than a little unjust – especially because they are a ‘Christian Rap Duo’. It’d be another thing if they were liberal muslims, making fun of the extremists stemming from their own culture… but they are quite far removed. And coming at them from a Christian perspective, just reeks of ‘otherness’. And FFS, nothing says 'a woman is property' like using the act of fucking her to get revenge about something.

For black people, it is often ok within their own community to use the ‘n’ word… for gay people its inoffensive (or at least less offensive) to use the ‘f’ word…. For Pakistani’s its ok if they use the term ‘Paki’ – those derogatory terms lose their negative connotations for the most part, when used within their own communities… taking back the ‘word’ and all that jazz.

Sure, some people disagree, but for me at least – the weight of the word depends on who says it. So;

a)They’re objectifying women to make fun of someone else

b)They’re doing it from the outside… which makes it a lot lot worse

c)They are using words from the Qura’an which is offensive to a lot of moderate, non-extremist muslims that don’t go around harming people. But then again, muslims do need to learn how to be offended in a mature grown up way. So perhaps that is necessary for muslims to evolve, into a less rioty less 'lets KILL the blasphemers' kind of people.

Even the title rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended). It seems so ‘othering’… as if ‘Islamic Girls’ are some kind of category very separate from ‘girls’.

Had they made fun of the terrorists directly, I might have enjoyed it…perhaps even laughed. But no… this video was not amusing.

I’d like to point out that I am very staunchly non-religious myself and still offended.

Admittedly, their images of women with their head covered devouring bananas, mirrors my own illustration from a couple of years ago.

But again, it all boils down to whether you’re poking fun from the inside or if you’re attacking from the outside. Of course, human rights violations should be called out by everyone. But it always seems in poor taste to me when someone from outside the muslim community dedicates their life to 'fighting islam' or 'calling out islam' - its just awkward when it is someone's sole focus, from the outside. That's not to say it shouldn't be called out. It should....but if thats all you do, i'd wonder about the authenticity of your intent.

* * *

on a lighter note, i went and made Eiynah a Facebook account :) add me if you aren't too scandalized...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Brown girls shouldn't have brown Vaginas

So last time I finished up on a positive note, feeling warm and fuzzy about the fact that there are some great, non judgemental Pakistani men out there. Enlightened was even a word I had used. But you know, who am I kidding here…these types are not the norm. Hypocrite, and sexist dbag are words better suited to describe the average (straight) male-supremacist desi dude. The entire society is set up to create them that way, with this sense of entitlement....especially in regards to women. Culture and religion endorse it.

They can be judgemental in ways I hadn’t even fathomed possible. Just the existence of products such as this is testament to that:

What. The. Fuck. No, really... What. The. Actual. Fuck. Why on earth does the already sick desi obsession with being *fair* outdo itself yet again and transcend to a whole other disgusting level? Why? Why do we need to bleach our genitals to satisfy some ridiculous brown male fantasy of wanting a white vagina? That can't be safe.

White porn, is 'the standard' I guess....where a lot of young south Asian men learn about sex, sadly their logic can't extend to understanding that brown women will not look like the white women in porn. And ffs, most women of any race, don't look like women from porn.

Just like penises, vaginas come in all shapes, sizes and colours. If you expect a dark skinned girl to have a pale lady're out of your mind, just a little bit.

I recently had a discussion with someone who brought up how he had had a conversation about the colour of desi (south Asian) vaginas with other brown guys. He was pretty mortified by what he heard as well. He’s been nice enough to write an account of that evening for this post, pretty shocking to say the least:

A few months ago I was sitting with a bunch of men in a gathering where alcohol was in abundance and conversational restraint in dearth, so the topics naturally revolved around sex, and eventually, what was the best sex they had ever had. Descriptions of ideal sexual partners invariably involved skin tones and complexions and one such description produced a remark that would spark a curious discussion that is to be the basis of this write-up; said a middle-aged man with two wives and a legion of mistresses, ‘no matter how fair skinned a desi woman is, her vagina and nipples are always dark’.

This sweeping statement, which I can tell you from personal experience is factually incorrect, was met unanimously with agreement and approval.

From here on the conversation became exclusively about the colour of female genitalia. Many of the men sitting there were frequent visitors to brothels, and frequent visitors to foreign countries and, predictably, brothels in foreign countries. They also had wives, girlfriends and professed to engage in casual sex without monetary transaction as well.

Turn by turn they related their own stories of the darkest and fairest genitalia they’d come across. As skin colour is also deeply embedded with class and social stature, the most denigrating remarks were for the dark skinned sex workers or servant girls with whom they’d had sexual encounters.

Accusations of lack of cleanliness, hygiene and health were abundant. That they did not like performing oral on somebody with dark vaginas and nipples. The ideal colour was pink; it was repeatedly said that foreign men were ‘lucky’ to have convenient access to it, that the colour somehow made all the difference when it came to oral sex, and that generally their most pleasurable sexual encounters were associated with that colour.

‘The best sex we’ve had’ inevitably involved mentions of the pinkest labia or areolas; they were considered aesthetically more pleasing and therefore more arousing, and arousal played a key part in eventual satisfaction.

Two or three of them deemed that lighter skin around the breast and crotch areas was a sign of sexual health and that they were more suspicious of contracting diseases from darker coloured organs.

(lol if this was true, *all* light-skinned people would be STD free, and that is really really not the case. Idiots.)

One man said that, ‘darker vaginas tend to smell, and taste rotten’. This was a guy who’d never been with a ‘light’ genitalled woman, and was basing this opinion on his experience with pornography; that white men readily seemed to perform oral on fair genitalled women, whereas for him it was an ‘unpleasant’ activity.

(well clearly, you can always tell how a woman’s vagina smells by watching her in a porn video, And you almost never smell anything foul coming from the TV... so you can safely conclude that their vaginas don’t have a smell at all. Can’t argue with such airtight logic. What an intelligent fellow.)

Now I’m going to wager here that performing oral sex, on either gender, by either gender, is not everyone’s cup of tea (sorry if that ruined your evening tea) anyway. Or maybe he just wasn’t doing it right. But it’s curious that instead of exploring his own sexual interests and limitations he would blame, as seems the norm, the woman instead. In this case, the colour and constitution of her genitalia. That had it been more pink his experience would’ve been better somehow.

Another man said that darker vaginas were relatively ‘loose’. Of course the male fascination with vaginal tightness is nothing new, nor even culture specific, and requires an entirely different debate altogether. But this was just another example of attributing a perceived negativity about sexual organs to their colour. ‘Loose’ was his exact phrase, he didn’t even use an Urdu word. He said it quite confidently and when queried by me he could not qualify his statement, beyond saying that ‘they are’ and ‘ask anyone who’s been inside a fairer one’.

(by now, the level of stupidity has crossed every limit that my mind could’ve possibly imagined - However the upcoming sentence sums it up best)

At this point I considered it a small wonder that dark skinned vaginas weren’t held responsible for the rise in oil prices and power outages.

Of course, these highly sexually active men were also going around making snap judgments and generalizations partly out of necessity of habit; given their promiscuity and that they view sex as gratification only, not performance; they don’t have ‘partners’, they have outlets or victims or means to phallic relief.

(And sadly, the writer of this piece has captured the very essence of how too many desi men view’s a heartbreaking reality. Our cultures don't even recognize that marital rape is a thing, consent is not a concept stressed upon. Women suffer the most of course, but I imagine that something is taken away from the quality of such men’s lives as well. They will never truly know the joy of making love to a partner and not an object of sexual gratification. It must get lonely. But even sadder is the fact that they might be too stupid to realize it.)

So the sexual experience of the woman does not matter, and where one would rationally think that inexperience would actually lead to less pleasurable intercourse, they are firm in their belief that inexperience means tighter vaginal muscles and exponentially more pleasure.

Hence they say things like ‘a thin back means she’ll be tighter down there’. Or ‘thick arms and hands imply wider, unpleasurable vaginas’.

* * *

Well. That was fascinating, disgusting and sad, all at the same time. A rare glimpse for us into the types of conversation that (brown) guys can have when no women are around. Thank you for that.

This conversation definitely sparked a lot of interest on twitter too, here are some interesting things people had to say;

Omair Zeeshan: illogical though. Darker skin has more evolutionary benefits. Should be hardwired to prefer

sharabi kababi‏: Let's face it (heh!!), no one's really examining vags, most of us are just happy to get it in :)

pathipen: Maybe I "knew" men who were more open minded.

Smacula: I think we are all to blame. Porn sets up unreal standards. We like unreal standards. We see real and scorn>>

Smacula: << in that way, porn is much like aunties. Who show off their unreal kids, and set unreal standards. #sorryButHadTo

* * *

I will stress again, that our country is in desperate need of sex ed. We’ve seen what can happen when pornography is a person’s only source of ‘sexual education’ … it makes me sick to my core.

It's time to make sure we raise our sons to be decent men.

If the kinds of thoughts we’ve been discussing in this post seem at all familiar to you, or you see nothing wrong with them, you’re obviously an ignorant asshole. But I suppose it's a start you're here, reading this.

If after reading this you still think having such thoughts are ok, go lock yourself in your room...and don’t come out till you can shine your brown dick to gleaming white or a rosy pink. Just sayin’ ;)

Monday, April 9, 2012

"I Received Zero Sex Education..."

Pakistani guys usually have such a bad reputation in the non-Pakistani world, and often even within the Pakistani world.

They are thought of as being misogynistic, chauvinistic, oppressive, often hypocritical when it comes to topics like sexuality, morality..etc.

This is not always the case however. Ladies, the term 'Pakistani gentleman', in its truest form does exist. It is sometimes but not always an oxymoron...

I myself used to be a naysayer - till I met my husband.

Even my parents had made peace with the fact that someday i'd bring home a white guy with a blue mohawk...but my ma's prayers are obviously some potent stuff, cuz against all odds, that didnt happen.

I have had several bad experiences with being judged and being talked about...tattoos and piercings will do that to you in the desi community.

I have to admit, being cast as an outsider since the beginning of time has left me scarred by desis, to the point where I have a hard time trusting my own people. I will probably never be fully accepted for my quirky self in brownland. (my apologies to anyone offended by the term 'brown')

So naturally, several years ago, when my non brown friend invited my soon-to-be husband over to my apartment without asking me, I had a fit:

Me: are you freakin' kidding me? Why on earth did you invite a Pakistani guy over here....Look at all the booze, smokes and 'other unnaceptable stuff' we have lying around here.

Her: Relax E, you're making a big deal out of nothing, he's a very cool guy, you've met him before. He lived in our dorm building last year.

Me: yeah just cuz he's a seemingly nice guy to you, doesn't mean he won't come over here and judge the fuck outta me, it's different when you're brown.

And not to mention, he will probably know my aunts sisters cousin or something... and that way his family can talk directly to my relatives about me.

Her: Jesus, I'm telling you, he's a cool guy. Relax. Anyway, he's on his way over now.

Me: *grumble* fine. Not much I can do now.

* * *

Him and I have barely been apart since that day. Lets just say, he came over. We all watched my very favourite twisted-as-fuck movie. He wasn't severely disturbed, so naturally I was intrigued.

We exchanged phone numbers that evening, and haven't looked back since. I was always afraid that at some point during our courtship, he was going to judge me. That I was probably just the freaky girl he wanted to date... but would go home to marry whoever mommy told him to. But that didn't happen either.

Very early on in our relationship when we were spending a summer in different continents, he sent me an email where he referred to me as the mother of his future children. I was floored. A brown guy could actually see the bondage collar/corset wearing me... as the mother of his children. I knew then, that he was a keeper.

Clearly, I was the more judgmental one in this story. But in my defense, my lack of trust was a product of my past experiences.

He proved to me that there definitely are some wonderful Pakistani guys out there. Doing interviews for this blog has showed me a thing or two as well. I seem to be coming across so many sexually aware, equality loving, non-hypocritical, non-judgmental Pakistani men.

When desi guys (& girls) are missing the qualities I mentioned above, especially in terms of sexuality, most of the time it can be chalked up to a lack of awareness and education about the topic. And misinformation about it can wreak havoc with a persons mind, body and soul - since sex is so integral a part of human life. It can affect generations. And it has, in our country. That is where the reputation of misogyny comes from.

Parents never talk about sex with their children, schools don't really discuss it... so how on earth are Pakistani people supposed to be raised as self-aware sexual beings? Well, the internet certainly helps those who have access to it, and know how to learn through the proper channels. But my concern lies with those who don't have access to such things. Sure I'd love to reach out to them if I had more resources, but all I have is this blog. And they don't read blogs. :(

Till I figure out how to spread my tentacles further, do check out this interview I did with a delightful chap. He is a prime example of how awful it is to live through sexual urges with little knowledge of what they are and how to deal with them. He's also a great example of how wonderfully self-taught someone can be... in regards to such matters. Not everyone overcomes their fear, guilt & confusion though. The result isn't always a refined, polished man that will probably be good to his wife and raise his kids right. So for those who cannot self-educate... we must do something. The best way is to encourage future parents to talk to their children. Educate Educate Educate. You can't go wrong with that. ;)

* * *

Hamid, 24, male

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

I was around 14 when I found out about sexual intercourse. It was by visiting a website of porn pictures. I had some idea of intercourse before but didn’t know how it was done. I discovered this pretty late compared to an average boy in those days; this is partly explainable by the fact that I had a rather ‘sheltered’ childhood and had a small group of friends who were pretty much like myself, reducing the possibility of exposure to sexual knowledge that was prevalent. I was shocked at first to see images of vaginal penetration and oral sex, and I couldn’t believe people could derive pleasure out of such horrific acts. Here I might add that I had discovered masturbation on my own prior to my knowledge of sexual intercourse. Undergoing the physiological changes of puberty, getting erections and having wet dreams, it was extremely confusing and disturbing for me. As my parents did not bother to ever tell me about these matters, and I was too embarrassed to ask them or anyone else, for a long time I lived with the apprehension that there was something wrong with me (especially ejaculating felt so pathological!). Along with the confusion, I was tormented by the religious guilt of having impure thoughts and desires. This state lasted for a quite a while and eventually disappeared with my self-education, and my confrontations with the big questions of religion, morality and sexuality.

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

My experience tells me so, yes. Even though a lot of sexual activity may be going on hidden from plain sight, talk about sex is hushed up, and the restriction of limiting sex to marriage renders a lot of young adults very frustrated, as marriage requires a certain social and economic stability which most people are only able to attain in the age group of 25-30, while their sexual desires and fantasies exist from puberty. So most young adults have a lot of build-up sexual tension in them, which they relieve through porn and masturbation. Girls are much more repressed in comparison; because of limited privacy they are not able to fully explore the possibilities of porn and masturbation.

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?

I have had non-penetrative oral sex. I enjoy it a lot. I haven’t had penetrative sex yet, but I imagine I’d enjoy that too. The sexual relationship between me and my girlfriend (now my fiancĂ©) has grown slowly over 2-3 years, as we took time getting physically comfortable with each other and explored and lingered at each stage. For considerable part we have also had to live in different cities, so we employed sexting and skype sex frequently. We’ll probably soon end up having penetrative sex too, though finding a suitable occasion (time and place) is a hindrance since neither of us has an independent place and live with our parents.

On premarital sex:

I don’t think there is anything wrong with premarital sex. In fact, I’d encourage it. I think there is merit to the notion that those who decide to marry should have sexual knowledge of each other, since it will obviously constitute an important part of married life. Even if it is just casual sex, it adds to the sexual experience, which is a plus point in my eyes.

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?


On Sex & Equality:

My own experience and observation would say that usually one person is leading the act. However, I do not discount that possibility that it may be completely equal for some couples.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?

Gender roles are primarily social constructs. In the past they were built around natural and physical differences, but as we socially evolve, the physical differences have come to play less and less role.

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?


Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?


Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

I don’t know of anyone personally, but I know that many women can’t orgasm by penetrative sex alone, and I think it would be a shame if these women happen to have lovers/husbands who don’t pay attention to their pleasure by resorting to non-penetrative methods.

Do you think about sex everyday?

Varies a lot. Think about it a lot on some days and very little on others. But I doubt there is ever a day when I don’t think about it at all.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?

It plays a significant role, yes.

On Masturbation:

I think it’s a completely normal and healthy act. In fact I encourage masturbation, and feel that those who have an inability to masturbate have some sort of underlying neurotic inhibition.

On Pornography:

Mixed feelings. Pornography as it exists is full of moral problems and misogyny and exploitation, but I believe it is possible to have pornography that is healthy, moral and egalitarian, and I hope the world will eventually come to that point.

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?

It’s difficult for me to say. I have never personally known of such a case.

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?

I think it is as normal as and as healthy as heterosexuality. I have many friends who are homosexual and I am completely comfortable with that and I have been very vocal in its support.

As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing and what do u think they are doing?

Often. A typical setting in which I find myself pondering over it is when I am attending some one’s marriage or walima.

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

Extremely important. I received zero sex education, from parents or teachers or friends. I had to learn everything myself and underwent great mental turmoil, and do not want others, especially my own children, to have to go through that.

* * *

Enlightened is the word that comes to mind. :) This last statement of his regarding sex education though - the importance of it cannot be stressed enough. please, read it again, and remember it.