Monday, December 21, 2015

Eid Ul-Christmas Mubarak! (A Step by Step Guide to Culturally Appropriating Christmas)

Between the religious Muslim fundies that say Christmas is haraam (forbidden), and the lunatic conspiratorial anti-muslim bigots who think Islam is coming to destroy them all and take over the world, like NOW.... there is only a tiny slice of rationality...

So brave...standing up in the face of such persecution.

Below is a work of satire, not an actual event or suggestion...but in my mind, it is kind of funny...a place where the anti-christmas muslim bigots cross paths with the anti-muslim, fox-news-lovin', christmas-is-all-about-JESUS type bigots. A place where the islamophobia-shriekers and cultural appropriation accusers meet those who similarly, are terrified of Western civilization being destroyed (appropriated) by creeping Shariah and evil Mozlem immigrants. ZOMG... outraged that Christmas is being removed from their coffee cups :O , persecuted by others who dare to say "Happy Holidays"...

Two sides of the same best can I piss them both off?


FOX News Reporter: A disturbing plan unfolds as a secret document is found inside a mosque. A Mozlem plan to take over Christmas.


Announcement in the name of Allah: We are sick and tired of Westerners with loose morals influencing our children, and imposing their drunken orgy holidays upon us. We are sick and tired of 'Christmas cheer', and we've simply had enough of them culturally appropriating things that belong to *US*. They eat our food, and wear our clothes, our jewellery - and they have the audacity to enjoy it!

Hands off our Shawarmas! (pic from

They have claimed the beautiful tradition of Henna. Well, we've had enough, and it's time to fight back.

A call to Muslims to take over Christmas.

Let's culturally appropriate that shit. Lets take it and celebrate the crap out of it. Let's make it *our* holiday.


Fox News Reporter: As you can see they are planning a sinister takeover, destroying traditional American values, taking Christ out of Christ-mas. We always knew this day would come, Fox news has declared a red alert. We'll be watching this situation around the clock. It's important to remain calm in the face of this attack on traditional Christian Values. The key now is to strategize how to take Christmas back from the Mozlems. Follow us as we take you behind the veil of Islam's war on Christmas. [Cue Arabic music, prayer call] 

Our on-the-scene reporter is joining us to read this document in full:

"Here are some simple steps you brothers and sisters can take to insure victory is ours, Inshallah.

pic from:

1) Re-name Christmas: From this day forth we will be referring to it as Eid Ul-Christmas. It will now be the third Eid. We will take every opportunity to mention this in the face of prostitute-loving westerners, that WE celebrate it now....and we call it Eid. That should terrify's that for muslim immigrant assimilation?


2) Make sure you get a huge Eid-Ul-Christmas tree, to get into the spirit...if you can acquire a date palm instead of an immoral Western tree...more points for you. But if your location doesn't allow for date palms, Western trees are acceptable. And do remember to put a crescent and star on top.

If you have a fake tree - no need to worry about this, but if a real tree is being cut down, be sure to make it a halal tree by reciting the proper 'secret Muslim chants' beforehand.


3) Decorate your tree with only islamic ornaments.

Soon we will flood the market with halal ornaments, we just have to show there is demand for them. Fun craft can make little hijabis and niqabis out of ordinary round ornaments...just drape a piece of cloth around it and paint on a face...or cut two eye holes and drape the entire thing in black cloth. Set a good example for your at least crafting a few 'modest' ornaments with them. It will be a great way of showing them we cover our most prized possessions...that way they'll ask less questions when eventually u tell give them the choice of covering their heads/faces.



4) Make sure you get one of our first edition "Hadeeth Wreaths" (forgive the shoddy design, i did these in a hurry) for your front door. Where upon entering and departing your home, you will always be reminded of the exemplary life/words of our beloved you-know-who.

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

6) Snowglobes? Heck no, we've got mosque globes, some even with gold glitter instead of snow... because WE get sandstorms on our blessed parts of Allah's earth.

from: (what a name)



7) Holly? Mistletoe? Fuck that.....we use dates and we gots plenty of cameltoe. We are appropriating the fuck out of this holiday.


8) Nativity scenes: we may have to concede this one to the Christians, because fuck, we aren't allowed to depict our prophet...or any living thing really.

"It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Those who make images will be punished on the Day of Resurrection, and it will be said to them: ‘Bring to life that which you have created.’”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5607) and Muslim (2108). "

9) Make sure Eid-ul-Christmas gifts are acceptable by Islamic standards. No dolls with faces, because  remember, only allah is allowed to depict the living. Try "Aisha Dolls" for faceless dolls named after the prophet's child bride. Or the the aptly named, hijab-wearing Muslim Deeni Dolls!

As Pakistani paper Dawn News reports:

The ‘Deeni Doll’ is adorned with a traditional hijab headdress and does not have eyes, a nose, mouth or other facial features, complying with Islamic law regarding representation of the human form.
The doll, created by Ridhwana B, a Lancashire school teacher, is manufactured in China and is being sold for £25.
Ridhwana told the Lancashire Telegraph: ‘I came up with the idea from scratch after speaking to some parents who were a little concerned about dolls with facial features.’
She continued: ‘Some parents won’t leave the doll with their children at night because you are not allowed to have any eyes in the room.’
Relax, your kid's eyes are created by Allah, and therefore acceptable..

Naturally, any good Muslim parents would be concerned about dolls who have 'faces''s borderline idolatry. I mean, what if your children start worshipping their dolls?! It is a very real concern.

Also remember - No immodest clothing for girls/women. In fact giving headscarves and bags burqas is recommended. If you're a good muslim mother, you will naturally know your way around sewing (cooking, cleaning), etc - this provides you with the opportunity to add a personal touch to your daughter's Eid-ul-Christmas hijab, you can embroider empowering captions such as "My hijab/niqab is a feminist statement" or "My hijab, My choice".

Restrictions on men's clothing gifts are much fewer of course.

10) Apostate crackers are going to be a huge hit this holiday season. Depictions of apostates who have turned their back on allah...the crackers split at their necks and the apostates lose their heads, as is commanded, of course. No harm in putting a little fun twist on shariah punishments.

Now we're really getting into the holiday spirit!

11) Acceptable ways of greeting each other include "Eid-ul-Christmas Mubarak"/ "Halal Holidays" not this "Merry Christmas" shit. I feel like a dirty infidel, just thinking about that phrase.

Card image from, type mine

12) Tell your kids that the reindeer thing is utter bull. There are camels guiding Santa Bin Claus' magic carpet/camel train. We're going to take this myth and Islamize it for our children. #CreepingShariah #FuckYeah

"Rashid the red-nosed Camel, had a very shiny nose!"



We're taking your holiday Robert Spencer! Eid-Ul-Christmas Mubarak. May you have Halal Holidays!"


FOX News Reporter: Well there it is, in black and white....a detailed attack on the very heart of Western civilization. Don't say we didn't warn you. Stay with us an expert on 'Muslim holiday traditions' joins us next to give us some insight on the situation....


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