I'm a Pakistani-Canadian who blogs about sexuality in South Asia, religion & politics. If you have a story you'd like to share, contact me at: nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom You can support blog via patreon https://www.patreon.com/nicemangos or PayPal
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
ABC's for little Pakistanis
Thursday, September 6, 2012
"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross" - Part 2
The interviewer is outraged as would be anyone confronted by someone with such a plight. However, the second phase of this blog, I’ve undertaken with her permission. The initial outrage makes it so that the general tone of the article blames Pakistani men in general. Which wasn’t the intention of the interviewer.
I’m sure if the women you mention, knew how different sex could be…they would truly appreciate a good session of mutual oral…
And later, she even shared pictures from when he was asleep. The man is still the joke of the city amongst most women.
Yes, there are always exceptions. The woman in your story was not shy - Perhaps even malicious… I wonder if she tried to address the problem with him before taking it to this level.
If the guy was unwilling then it might point to religious implications such that imply that he won’t because of religious reasons. In which case, religion denies oral sex too. But would also imply that he’s a hypocrite.
I think in a loving relationship, one would naturally expect a little give and take. I don't think its a mistake to expect sexual satisfaction in return at all.
Bottom line; everyone is different. And lets face it, genitals don’t exactly taste/smell like vanilla ice cream (ur honey cinnamon girl must have used some product/lotion too) – but with good hygiene and health it should be pretty neutral…
Regardless, even though that made you wince, you still dove in and didn’t let her know it grossed you out. I think you may have taken the politeness a little far… but still…. At least you had the decency to not gag. Whereas in Fahmida’s situation, I doubt its something as extraordinary as that….more like a mental issue. I’ve heard it before from a lot of Pakistani men. They just think going down on a woman is gross. I wrote yet another post about it here.
And if there’s no honest communication about this kind of stuff in the first place, how would you attempt that? Also, stating the obvious....you have to be your own person. You can't just do things to please other people.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross"
So the other day I received an email from Fahmida who wanted to share her story. I think its a very important one too.... because I'm sure a lot of women (especially Pakistani), can relate - but they may not have the courage to speak up....So thanks Fahmida for voicing this...you are a brave, strong and wonderful woman.
So once again, If you were in any way pressured/coaxed into it - that's a red flag for me.)
Don't do it any more. You are not his personal sex slave, that lives to please and satisfy him. You are a human being, who deserves to be appreciated too. I don't know how many countless (Pakistani/Desi/Muslim) women suffer through this same issue, my advice to all of them would be to stand up for themselves in the bedroom too. Sex is a very important part of your relationship and if you're not getting respect there, then you will probably not get it in other situations too. That cannot be a very happy way to live. You do not deserve that. If you're a desi man reading this, and you too refuse to 'travel south', then you should have the same standards when it comes to your own pleasure. No cunnilingus (should) = No Fellatio. You got that? None of this double standard bullshit.)
You articulate it so well, you definitely deserve it - and I think it's getting to a point where you need to address it or something will snap... it seems like things are at a tipping point right now. My advice to you would be an open, honest conversation. Sure, feelings will be hurt, he may be shocked...appalled even, at your 'shamelessness' and forwardness about female sexuality. But you need to address this pronto. I don't feel like you guys are on the same page about this at all. That misalignment of values could lead to something much bigger in the future.
I have received several emails about Oral sex and how it plays out in our culture, so I will be posting those soon too. But for now, my heart goes out to you Fahmida - you sound like the most caring and amazing wife, please don't continue to put yourself through this.
* * *
Update: It seems Fahmida's husband somehow figured out this story was about him(crap), despite details being changed. :/ Please remember folks, to clear 'paper trails' (e-trails) to my blog if your computer/phone is not private.
He left this comment below:
Oh Enemies of yourselves. Be mindful of Allah and be mindful of the day you have to stand before Allah and recount the time you've wasted, for it is time you will not get back.
This is "Fahmida's" husband. Your comments are sad reflection of privileged first world problems, as is her one-sided and highly inaccurate account. "Selective Memory" is a terrible problem, but in no matter do I care for a rebuttal.
What I do care for is to remind myself first and then you that these are matters to be decided upon.
Decide if you want to bear with patience and work through, or decide for divorce, which "Fahmida" knows full well she's been offered many times.
But decide, then move on. You have been given permission by your Lord to decide and move on.
You have not been given permission to indulge and write, and gossip and plot and plan and complain publicly.
Learn about your Deen. And learn one of the biggest responsibilities of our time here on earth is to spread the message of Islam and help those who TRULY are in need.
Not to endulge online in first world problems. Yes, many Muslim Women are sexually unsatisfied. Guess what, many Men are too. Fantastic. Now decide what you want to do and MOVE ON.
Take advantage of whatever you can of this temporary existence so you can actually get somewhere great (Jannah).
But if you can't move on from these online drugs (blogs, twitter, facebook, porn sites). Then at least do yourself a favour and spend time on-line finding out what the Prophet (pbuh) and his beloved Companions (ra) did in regards to sex, relationships, etc.Umm...seriously? Like marry six year olds? Consider puberty to be the age of consent?
At least that way you may be able to say you "spent" your time wisely. For they were the ones we know for sure to have been successful.
We can't say the same for those around us. It may be that Fahmida is a woman of Paradise married to a man of Hell. Why does she want sexual satisfaction from a man of Hell?
What does any of this article matter then?
Or vice versa.
Don't be enemies of yourself. You have an ETERNITY to worry about. Move on, and worry about it, rather then the temporary goods of your time here.
I pray to Allah for Guidance and Forgiveness for us all.
Assalamu alaikum, Anon.
I kinda assumed he was a fundie, sigh. It disturbs me when people put greater value on an unproven afterlife than the life they are currently *actually* living in. I am also amused by how he equates twitter and blogs with porn.
Poor Fahmida. My heart goes out to you.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Nice Mangos Art Giveaway!
As promised - I'm doing another art giveaway! Yup, you heard right - I said 'give' away - I send you a print....a piece of original, signed Nice Mangos art, and all you have to do is answer some Nice Mangos Trivia.
And that's just to ensure that the artwork goes to the home of a regular reader, or at least someone who's taken the time to look for the answers :P
So here are 10 questions - the first person to answer 5 of them correctly (pick any 5 you like) and send me the answers will get the print! (You can tweet, facebook or email me the answers)
1) Is the writer of this blog a male or female?
2) What is this blog about?
3) I recently started a petition, what about?
4) Here's the title of a popular post, fill in the blank:
Brown Girls Shouldn't have _____ Vaginas
5) What was the post in Q4) about?
6) True or False: This was the Tag I used on Twitter for the petition : #SignThisPlease
7) Name one of the guest bloggers I've had on here (I've not had many)
8) Only once, I blogged about a celebrity (Bollywood), who was it?
9) I have drawn a couple of 'mock -ads' for fictional products / services - can you name one?
10) I have a hilarious/disturbing and recurring commenter. I've done an interview with him AND a post about all the pervy comments he leaves on the blog. I will be truly impressed if you can recall his 'name' (he goes by initials)
Please remember to write the question number along with the answer, and remember you only have to do 5!
So if you win you can pick one from these:
Thank You all so much for your interest, but the contest is now closed. It was such a close call.. the first 3 were literally seconds behind each other. Congrats to @Snootyshark for winning!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Sex, Religion and omg... menstruation?
"Also, it [Islam] doesn't really oppress female sexual desires. If anything, it protects females by prohibiting men from sex during periods, which doctors today say would be harmful for females."
and then followed up with:
"As for proof, there are doctors you can talk to about sex during menstruation. I have asked doctors, that too female ones about it and the majority hold the view that its not safe, irrespective of how horny they might be feeling. Now to give you some "proof", "A woman's risk of sexually transmitted disease and infection is higher than normal during this time because the cervix opens to allow blood to pass through. Unfortunately, this creates the perfect pathway for bacteria to travel deep inside the pelvic cavity. A woman is also more likely to pass on blood-borne diseases like HIV and hepatitis to a partner during her period, and she's more likely to develop yeast or bacterial infections because the vagina's pH during menstruation is less acidic" as taken from http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/101/specialist/berman/sex-during-period.aspx ."
But of course, like I said to him us humans can manipulate facts to suit our needs... we can just pick and choose what to point out, if it strengthens our point... because the same website, does indeed say its perfectly normal to have sex during your period. Certain precautions should be taken, but then again... isn't that the case with all sex?
Anyhoo, I took to twitter, to ask what more people's opinions were on the matter. Because I was a bit surprised actually, to read the view that prohibiting sex during menstruation, was actually 'protecting' females. Now of course, everyone has their own opinion and preference... so I'd like to say that I appreciate everyone's input. In fact, without the above comment, I wouldn't have had half as much to say - so thank you!
But I'd also like to point out that there is nothing medically unsafe (religion is another thing entirely) with having sex during your period (see link above for more information). If you aren't in a monogamous long-term relationship... you should be using condoms anyway!
Here is some of what was said;
And then I had a volunteer email me her own account of having intercourse during menstruation:
Clearly this is a subject many people have lots to say about. And I'm glad it came out, because this wasn't even on my list of topics to write about... it just kinda happened on its own.
* * *
Well my boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. Our relationship was physical before any emotional attachments. But I think it's safe to say we are quite in love now. We are both each other's first sex partners although he had fooled around with oral sex in his earlier relationships.
Sounds like she really knows her stuff :) 'Cept one thing that I pointed out to her, and would like you to take note of as well, is that the withdrawal method is never reliable, because pre-ejaculate can get a person pregnant too.
Just sayin' - You should always know what you're getting in to.....
Anyhoo, here's what the men had to say about sex & religion. Remember, dear readers - that tolerance is key - if there are views expressed here that offend you to your core, the best way to deal with that is expressing yourself in a well thought out, relevant comment.
Fahad, Male, 24
I'm not sure that sex plays much of a role in religion aside from procreation - but I do know there are some specifics mentioned in the Quran.
Sultan, Male, 19
If you look at the view of a mainstream, conventional religious person – sex is very taboo. In religion it’s a very mechanical type thing.
Khizer, Male, 26
I think sex is a part of religion, I don’t know about other religions but in Islam it’s allowed and it’s a part of it. I don’t think it goes so deeply into kinkyness and fetishes etc but its something that is discussed, and Islam does tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, and why you should or shouldn’t … I’ve heard it tells you exactly how to do it because of why you should do it that way because it gives you a higher chance of pregnancy – missionary sex with her left leg on top of your right shoulder…or the other way… so it gets the deepest penetration.
Imad, Male, 25
I think sex plays no role, absolutely no role in religion. Religion I think is all about restriction – more often than not – and giving yourself more things to do … more of a purpose, and restricting one of your most general desires is one of the biggest self-made purposes… so it has no role, technically.
Qasim, Male, 26
Ali, Male, 29
In religion sex is something for which u should not be looking at grls, or using booze or anything... u just take her pants off......do it and leave her... its wrong completely...... its for mens pleasure ... it is a very concealed act.. u should not see womens body.. it should be dark when u have sex... and i disagree with that...
NJ, 42, Male
Difficult question. Well I think except Hinduism all religions think sex is for reproduction only. In islam maybe its both repro & enjoyment. But sometimes I think why minaret is like erect penis and domes look like big boobs !
Bilal, 24, Male
Im not the religious type, specially with my sexuality, im not always thinking about sex and religion at the same time. That would seriously play havoc with my head.
S.K.A., 28, Male
In a society like ours, religion plays a part in everything. Too bad that the most distorted kind of Islam is all we get. Nowhere in Islam is it forbidden to have sex as recreation (albeit between married couples). We choose to ignore that. The curse of Selective Islamism! Muslims when it comes to sex, not when it comes to basic humanitarian principles of honesty, tolerance etc.
Hamid, 24, male
Sex for most religions is something that needs to be strongly and harshly contained and regulated. Rampant sexuality in a society has many ill consequences, and especially if we imagine the situation in the pre-scientific era when there was no such thing as ‘safe sex’ and there was practically no prevention against pregnancy and STDs, and the society was extremely misogynistic. There was some grain of wisdom in that religions tried to suppress and thwart the sexual impulse to avoid those evils, but I think these attempts were not successful and created many negative consequences of their own.
Arsalan, 20, Male
Well, Islam lays down strict injunctions about the subject, so yeah, sex does play a role in religion. I have studied about Islam a lot, and the fact that mystifies me is that while our religion lays down punsihments as extreme as stoning for adultery, it doesn’t lay down any law about rape. Also, we have accounts of the prophet Muhammad taking sex-slaves as wives. A princess whose father, husband and entire tribe has been murdered, wouldn’t consent to sex with the man who perpetrated these acts willingly, would she?
Oh - and if u aren't the easily scandalized type - do go ahead and add me on Facebook