Thursday, August 23, 2012

"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross"

So the other day I received an email from Fahmida who wanted to share her story. I think its a very important one too.... because I'm sure a lot of women (especially Pakistani), can relate - but they may not have the courage to speak up....So thanks Fahmida for voicing are a brave, strong and wonderful woman. 

Fahmida, 34, Female

I always make the most of what I have been given. I married very young because I fell in love and was so happy he chose me too.

My husband is my first and only sexual partner. I was young and eager to have a physical relationship with him. Just a little uninformed about how much time and patience it would take for me to appreciate my needs and have an honest relationship.

I raised 2 beautiful kids and even though it was tough to work, I tried to give them and our family everything. It did put a strain on our sex life as we had kids so fast. Despite the demands of parenthood we still connected regularly. My body was re-adjusting after giving birth and our experiences were more to satisfy him than me.

He was good to caress me, hold me after and make sure my emotional side was taken care of. Being postpartum, that was essential. Tenderness and gentility are paramount. We spooned a lot in those days as a gentler way to make love.

I breastfed both girls and although it was uncomfortable and awkward to be dripping milk at times, I would expose my breasts and offer them to my husband who expressed that he liked “big boobs”. He also would routinely caress them at night while I slept. Never realizing that the contact would cause me to lactate.

Now that I have lost all the baby weight and my breasts have dramatically reduced in size, I have been told that he prefers me larger. I needed to find other ways to make him happy. Forgetting about myself.

(That right there is where the issues begin I think, whether you're too big or too small, too tall, too short....women are very often held up to unrealistic standards. Yes, we're not all the same size, and telling us that we are 'preferred' one way or another can be incredibly damaging and hurtful. Especially in a 'loving' relationship....)

I started to perform oral sex on him because while I was pregnant I needed an alternative to intercourse. Hand jobs were for teenagers in cars or for desperate times.

(So you didn't have oral sex before you got pregnant? Also, I don't know what your specific pregnancies were like, but for most healthy pregnancies intercourse is ok right till the very end [unless your doctor has specified otherwise]... but yes, I'm sure manoeuvring a giant belly isn't easy, so I totally get how you wouldn't be into penetrative sex during those days) 

He was able to tell me what he wanted and how he liked me to suck his balls. I didn’t like it at first but he was so into it and really enjoyed it. I learned to please him more and actually read an article by a porn star on how your tongue can be your best friend. I almost got a sense of power and thrill at how I could look up at him and see him so in the moment, being intoxicated with pleasure, by me.

(And that's how it should be for both parties involved, there is a sense of pleasure and achievement in satisfying your partner - especially if there is love. Sex that is solely for one's own pleasure, might as well be masturbation...what is the point of connecting with another person in that way if you don't care to see them through to the other side?)

He was so keen for me to go down on him that after the births of our kids, I actually gave him blow jobs in the hospital late at night after the babies were asleep and family was gone.

(Wow, What? How on earth did you have the energy/stamina/desire to do that after doing something fucking excruciating and life-changing like giving birth?! Even physical stamina aside, I imagine one is so emotionally drained that to get yourself in that mindset is a task and a half. The only thing that bothers me about this is if you didn't choose to do this yourself.... if you were in any way pressured into performing oral sex after childbirth...that is not ok. Sure its fine, and incredibly amazing if that's how you yourself were feeling, and chose to express your love in that way, but I'm just having a hard time believing that you or any woman would want to exert herself further, especially in a sexual way *right after childbirth* 

So once again, If you were in any way pressured/coaxed into it - that's a red flag for me.)

He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross and he actually gagged.

(This breaks my heart. It truly, truly does. No one deserves to have that happen to them. If he doesn't think that you going down on him is gross, then he should be fine with reciprocating. The double standard infuriates me and boggles my mind. I don't think you should put up with it. Honestly, he deserves a taste of his own medicine, if he thinks its gross - then its gross both ways. 

Don't do it any more. You are not his personal sex slave, that lives to please and satisfy him. You are a human being, who deserves to be appreciated too. I don't know how many countless (Pakistani/Desi/Muslim) women suffer through this same issue, my advice to all of them would be to stand up for themselves in the bedroom too. Sex is a very important part of your relationship and if you're not getting respect there, then you will probably not get it in other situations too. That cannot be a very happy way to live. You do not deserve that. If you're a desi man reading this, and you too refuse to 'travel south', then you should have the same standards when it comes to your own pleasure.  No cunnilingus (should) = No Fellatio. You got that? None of this double standard bullshit.)

I decided to take matters into my own hands- literally. After he finished and was washing up in the bathroom or showering, I would (and still) masturbate. I did not orgasm after our sex sessions but moaned and pretending to finish as to not hurt his ego.

(I hate to say this, because you do sound like you really love him - but maybe its time to stop caring about hurting his feelings, he certainly doesn't have any issue hurting yours)

I have a nice figure and have enjoyed dressing up in the privacy of our room for him: mini skirts, strapless dresses, lacy bras, beaded thongs, garter belts and leather boots. I had been advised that good wives dress up for their husbands. So I did.

(You sound like an amazing person who is willing to try anything to please the person she loves, but these things have to be reciprocated... there isn't much point if one person tries and tries... and eventually burns out)

Only after a huge fight did I address that he looked sloppy and disgusting in shorts and a ripped t-shirt while I looked like I was going to a club, so could HE make an effort? Just his penis wasn’t doing enough for me.

It was the first time I had vocalized any preference in the bedroom.
I have continued to enjoy dressing up and even discussed the possibility of role playing. He decided that it was beyond his mental bandwidth. Translated: “Too much work. Far easier to have wife in a tight, white blouse, black miniskirt, no underwear with patent-leather 4 inch heels, sucking on my dick”.

(If you enjoy it, that's great...dressing up and feeling good about it can do wonders for your self-esteem. But let me get this straight, so you vocalized the issue and he just brushed it off... and yet you continued to do everything in your power to please him? My dear, sweet Fahmida, thats not going to work for too long, because you are a mere mortal. You can't just keep going endlessly, at some point you will break...don't let that happen to yourself.)

I decided to empower myself and dress up for me. I have worked hard on my body and am often told I appear to be 10 years younger than I am. I will get dolled up and appreciate my ass in lacy, black, brazilian-cut panties.

After being married for a decade, I turned 30 and felt my body start to yearn for physical completion. My body was urging touch, taste, feel and sound in a sometimes aggressive manner. I didn’t feel so gentle and tender anymore. I wanted to grab him, suck, be held, struggle and claw, tie him up and let him watch. I wanted him to hold me up against a wall, use his tongue unabashedly and maybe even turn me over and go at me from the back, side, legs up, sideways, straddle on a chair, on the stairs... I really am open to trying new things out.

(Any man would be lucky to have you, and I'm sure some of the ones reading are wishing they did, for realz.)

We don’t live in a joint family so we have privacy to have sex anywhere. Just as long as the girls are not around or awake to witness.

I told him that I enjoyed him coming home after working out and having perspired. For some reason I enjoyed tasting the salty-ness of his sweat. He replied that it was “gross” and he needed to shower before having sex.

I realized my preferences may not be honoured but I kept pressing the issue.
For my voice and needs to be recognized was/is so important.

I am open to trying new positions to escape the boring, missionary-style sex. I really couldn’t enjoy being on top until after the girls were born. I was too tight and although confident in my personality- still very shy in my sexuality.

My first *enjoyable* experience being on top was an epiphany. It was the first time I had an orgasm after 5 years of marriage. We had tried before it was never comfortable for me and I was too stiff to relax.

(So the first time you ever had an orgasm was after 5 years of being married? Or an orgasm through penetrative sex you mean?)

Now, my favourite position is being on top but it poses a difficulty for my husband. He is “too aroused” by me on top and cums too quickly.

(Tell him to try 'relieving' himself earlier in the day, beforehand..that might help him last longer)

So, I am laid on my back and pounded for less than a minute and have to make sounds pretending that I am in the throws of ecstasy.

(You don't have to just lie there and fake it you know, you should address this issue. If he can't be hard for longer than a minute, there are doctors and things for that. If he's not comfortable with that... then he has to be open to pleasing you in other ways... I think its time you let him know that one minute of pounding ain't doing shit. That's why he has a tongue and 10 fingers, and all the toys in the world available to please his partner.)

Even him being behind me is not possible because he says I am too lubricated and he gets soft.

(You being *too* lubricated makes him soft? Thats the first time I've heard that...?)

After 16 years and I am still devoted... but I have to draw the line.

I have been sexually starved for far too long. In the last 2 years I have orgasmed maybe a dozen times.

That is even after having sex at least 4-5 times a week. Frustrating is an understatement.

(After 2 kids and 16 years of marriage, you have sex 4-5 times a week?! On the surface that sounds amazing...but if each time its sex without orgasm, I can understand your frustration. The term 'blue balls' exists for men... I wonder if they even have an equivalent term for women)

I love my husband. He loves me. Neither of us has ever strayed even though opportunity has

I have started demanding longer, better sex where I feel I need it. I want penetration to last more than 40 seconds if and when he is able to stay hard.

I want mutually fulfilling foreplay - not always me giving him a blow job so he can get hard.

I also want to create equality in our bed. Where I can talk dirty and he not be offended by my forwardness. His manhood is thrusting in me so I think it’s OK for me to say “fuck me longer- harder” in a gentle and pleading whisper.

(Wait, he's offended by your dirty talk? Wtf! If he's a particularly religious man (and I'm getting the sense he is), maybe you could look up stuff from the more 'progressive' Islamic schools of thought. Where lots of regular sex stuff is ok as long as you are in a *hetero-marriage* No anal, but least there will be some supporting religio-stuff to quote and study together? Have you tried speaking to him about this? That its something you like to do? Seems to me like he cuts you off every step of the way...your needs and desires don't seem to be of *any* importance to him... and that indicates a deeper that goes beyond the sexual realm. Huge red flag.)

I want to be able to climb on top of him and grind with clothes on just to excite myself without him looking embarrassed and awkward.

(He sounds like he's super oldschool... is he 98?)

I want to be told “YES!” when I want to get laid as opposed to “I have a squash game early tomorrow and need to rest”; just like when I was exhausted and still made efforts to please out of love.

I want him to go to a doctor like I have requested umpteen times and get himself checked out so he can retain an erection and not just get soft as blood is pumping through my body and I am about to explode. .

I want him to try harder to please me even if it makes him gag. Or think about getting toys that may do the trick in a non-intimidating and sensual manner.

I can bring a magazine article or book and not be seen as “besharam” (shameless).

(I'm so sorry that he has an issue with almost everything sexual, unless its *his* needs being taken care of. I'm sure that there are thousands of women out there in similar situations. It makes me wonder about your husband though.... what makes him so uncomfortable about sex, with his own wife? Do you think its possible he had some kind of awful experience earlier in his life that is affecting him this way? Do you think it's the values he's learned from traditional religious control on sexuality?)

Acquiring a lover is too much work and morally wrong to me. It is also too many logistics and uncertainty.

Getting an escort to meet my needs is not something I would consider. Ever.

Perhaps my options are limited. I love my partner, our family and what we have built. But my body is  screaming and urging me to address this issue and get myself taken care of.

There is love in marriage. There is compassion. There is sharing. There is compromise. There is generosity. All under the umbrella of sexual fulfillment. And I am entitled to it. I deserve it.

*       *       *

You articulate it so well, you definitely deserve it - and I think it's getting to a point where you need to address it or something will snap... it seems like things are at a tipping point right now. My advice to you would be an open, honest conversation. Sure, feelings will be hurt, he may be shocked...appalled even, at your 'shamelessness' and forwardness about female sexuality. But you need to address this pronto. I don't feel like you guys are on the same page about this at all. That misalignment of values could lead to something much bigger in the future.

I have received several emails about Oral sex and how it plays out in our culture, so I will be posting those soon too. But for now, my heart goes out to you Fahmida - you sound like the most caring and amazing wife, please don't continue to put yourself through this.

*       *       *

Update: It seems Fahmida's husband somehow figured out this story was about him (crap), despite details being changed. :/  Please remember folks, to clear 'paper trails' (e-trails) to my blog if your computer/phone is not private.

He left this comment below:

Oh Enemies of yourselves. Be mindful of Allah and be mindful of the day you have to stand before Allah and recount the time you've wasted, for it is time you will not get back.

This is "Fahmida's" husband. Your comments are sad reflection of privileged first world problems, as is her one-sided and highly inaccurate account. "Selective Memory" is a terrible problem, but in no matter do I care for a rebuttal.

What I do care for is to remind myself first and then you that these are matters to be decided upon. 

Decide if you want to bear with patience and work through, or decide for divorce, which "Fahmida" knows full well she's been offered many times.

But decide, then move on. You have been given permission by your Lord to decide and move on.

You have not been given permission to indulge and write, and gossip and plot and plan and complain publicly.

Learn about your Deen. And learn one of the biggest responsibilities of our time here on earth is to spread the message of Islam and help those who TRULY are in need.

Not to endulge online in first world problems. Yes, many Muslim Women are sexually unsatisfied. Guess what, many Men are too. Fantastic. Now decide what you want to do and MOVE ON.

Take advantage of whatever you can of this temporary existence so you can actually get somewhere great (Jannah).

But if you can't move on from these online drugs (blogs, twitter, facebook, porn sites). Then at least do yourself a favour and spend time on-line finding out what the Prophet (pbuh) and his beloved Companions (ra) did in regards to sex, relationships, etc.
Umm...seriously? Like marry six year olds? Consider puberty to be the age of consent? 

At least that way you may be able to say you "spent" your time wisely. For they were the ones we know for sure to have been successful.

We can't say the same for those around us. It may be that Fahmida is a woman of Paradise married to a man of Hell. Why does she want sexual satisfaction from a man of Hell?

What does any of this article matter then?

Or vice versa.

Don't be enemies of yourself. You have an ETERNITY to worry about. Move on, and worry about it, rather then the temporary goods of your time here.

I pray to Allah for Guidance and Forgiveness for us all.

Assalamu alaikum, Anon.

I kinda assumed he was a fundie, sigh. It disturbs me when people put greater value on an unproven afterlife than the life they are currently *actually* living in.  I am also amused by how he equates twitter and blogs with porn. 

Poor Fahmida. My heart goes out to you.