Saturday, March 31, 2012

"I can only demand that my wife be a ‘pure’ virgin, if I myself am one."

So I might be beating a dead horse here... because everyone bitches about this subject. But if everyone has issues with it, then why isn't it changing?

I googled 'Pakistan + Virginity', and I came across a Pakistani forum, with some, *ahem* interesting advice for 'unmarried females' there was no such advice for unmarried males on this particualr post. The person posting this calls himself dr_qasimsaif, god i hope this idiot isn't a real doctor. Wouldn't be surprised if he is though:

For unmarried females
Un married females ko cha yeh wo essi games essi activites say avoid kurin jisy hymen repture hony ka chance ho, virgin hona ek female kay leyeh bhe ezzut or wuqaar or ek honor hota hay es leyeh apni virginity ki care kurin or illegal activites like masturbation or illegal sexual relation say ijtinaab kurin ek tu Gonah kubeera hay or in future wedding life meah problem aa sukty hen, personal hygiene ka khiyaal kurin, essy literature, films say avoid kurin jin say sexual desire increase hoti ho or esi tura apny mungatur ya kisi na mehram say kisi turaa kay sexual relation rukhny say apny ap ko buchayin en chezo kay ussuraat achy nahi hoty gonaah tu hota he hay, apni virginity ki hifazat kurin,

I've got four things to say;

1. How about you live your life avoiding sexual arousal douchebag.
2. Since when has masturbation become 'illegal'?
3. If you are indeed a Dr. you should have your license revoked.
4. If you are handing out medical advice using English language terminology, you should at least learn how to spell the words you use. Its Rupture, not Repture.

That is all.


We all know of the double standards surrounding virginity in Pakistan. A girl, should naturally be a virgin at the time of marriage...that much is set in stone. If she isn't, she's a whore.

In fact you get labelled a whore for a lot less depending on who you're talking to. When I was 15, my grandmother used to tell me not to talk to girls who smoke because supposedly they are of 'bad character'. My aunts who smoked couldnt smoke in front of her, but my uncles smoked openly in front of their mom. Of course even at that age her comment offended me to the core. At 15 I wasn't a smoker, but I recognized that it was incredibly unfair to judge someone's character and morality if they smoked and happened to have a vagina also. Posessing one myself, I took it quite personally. Not to mention it encouraged me to try smoking (which I have since given up, thank asshole of a habit to kick...not worth taking on just to piss your grandma off... cuz then it sticks...sometimes for a decade :o)

And don't tell me that my nani is more judgemental than most desi aunties... because thats just untrue. Go and hang out with more desi aunties. It wont be fun, but do it for science.

As for men, its nice if they're virgins... but even if they've had a bit of premarital fun, its ok. Boys will be boys, sometimes dicks like to go a wanderin' thats just how they're made... At least thats the attitude our Pakistani(or even Indian) society has towards it. Of course there will always be exceptions, I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about the dominant attitude. How many Pakistani men that are sexually active themselves before marriage would actually be ok if their wife-to-be was getting a bit of premarital experience herself? Let's be honest here. Not a whole lot.

Admittedly, however, my group of male interviewees has been very open minded about the idea of marrying non-virgins. But I've got a pretty skewed demographic. They're all of a certain age, from a certain socioeconomic background and definitely very westernized...because as I've said before - these are the only people that are willing to talk to me about sex. If you're interested in my previous posts about premarital sex, you can see them here and here.

I interviewed another open minded Pakistani gentleman recently. And can we please make this openmindedness the norm? Or if not openmindedness, can we at least be less hypocritical? If you're going to forbid something, do it consistently. For fuck's sake. :)

S.K.A., 28, Male

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

Around eighth grade, when some of my classmates with older brothers started talking about it. Initial reaction: disbelief! I thought everyone was making stuff up! I don’t think I had ever come up with the “where babies come from?” question.

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

During my last trip to Pakistan in 2008, I came across a few people who were enjoying premarital sex. Shocking to me, to say the least. What surprised me even more was that it was OK for them to do it, yet somehow taboo to talk about it. So even the folks who were doing it had problems discussing it, except for the guys who had a sense of achievement about it.

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?

Yes and yes! And there are times when you enjoy the lust-iness of it… other times it’s the intimacy that you enjoy. Depends on who your partner is, and the nature of your relationship.

On premarital sex:

Yes I have [had premarital sex]. I do not see anything wrong with it, socially. Two consenting adults doing what they want, without bothering anyone else should be of no consequence to the said anyone else.
Religiously I have been brought up to think it is wrong, which I have no problems with

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?

Yes. Not at once though! Oh, how I would love that :-P

On Sex & Equality:
No it’s not [equal]. It’s a little bit of give and take every time you do it. I let my partner control the flow of things every other time.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?

I think more than the physical differences, it is what the media, culture and our education system has made it out to be that define gender roles in society. It is human psychology to be curious about things that they are not supposed to know about/feel. You tell a kid not to touch something, and he will, as soon as you turn your back on him. That psychology carries way into adulthood, and the more taboo you make something, the more fascinating it gets for people. We need to change our thought process, and accept the changes that the web and open media have brought in Pakistan.

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

Yes I have. Immediately after having one, me and my partner started going at it again. I would say the second one was more intense, maybe just because I’d never had two in such quick succession.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?

I have found multiple g-spots :-p. Using the trusted hit and trial method, with some help from the g-spot carrier!

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

No. For someone like that I think all it will take is some practice, and an orgasm will surely come.

Do you think about sex everyday?

Yes. I would say at least about twice a day.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?

It might not play a major role in my life, as in my decisions and day-to-day life are not affected by it, but it is a major part of my life.

On Masturbation:

Just like oral sex, masturbation is only natural. The desi urban myths about going blind, getting impotent etc. are just that: myths.

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you?

If it’s ok for me to do it, it should be ok for her to have done it as well. I can only demand that my wife be a ‘pure’ virgin, if I myself am one.

On Pornography:

While I do not consider it art, I certainly do not consider it to be obscene or taboo either. There are limits to what kind of access certain people should have, depending on their age, behavior etc, but you cannot deny the people who enjoy it access to it, just because some people object to it.

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?

I think more than is reported. The repressed mentality of a lot of males makes them do desperate things. Most rapists commit the act because of the sense of empowerment they get from it… In Pakistan, I think rape occurs because of the lack of a sexual outlet. This lack of sexual outlet is what leads many into bestiality.

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?

Like I said earlier, personal choice… Do not force me to adhere to your preferences, and I will not bother you about yours. Homosexuality in a lot of the rural parts of Pakistan is not due to preferences, but more because of the lack of availability of the opposite sex.

As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing and what do u think they are doing?

I think that most other people lead bored, mundane sex lives, with their married partners, always wondering what it would be like to be free of the constraints of social norms and pressures. I would say that 10 per cent of the Pakistani population leads a happy sexual life.

* * *

Yikes...! Ten per cent :( thats pretty bleak. any thoughts on that, anyone? Surely the number of sexually satisfied pakistanis can't be as low as that..... or can it?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Bhai Chod: "Because why should only behens get fucked?"

So if you’re a desi on twitter, chances are you’ve probably already heard of Bhaichod :) An incredible woman, who is not afraid of speaking her mind and calling it like she sees it, check out more of her musings here. I’ve asked her to do a guest post on Nice Mangos….cummon…. with a name like Bhai Chod…. How could I not? *drum roll* :

* * *

What would you do if someone asked you this question?

Admittedly, a name like Bhaichod is a surefire way to attract the dregs of the internet, which in itself comprise of the dregs of a global society joined by magical cables and screens. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you

But how should 'one' react?

How about humour?

Why does someone wonder whether I wear undies or not? Is there some sort of taboo associated with underpants that I am not aware of? Are panties the new frontier for local mailas or maulvis or both? Is there a Panties Please Pehen-na (PPP) team operating that has sought to focus on my blog? Questions such as these have me awake and bathed in cold sweat in the middle of the night...questions for which I may never have an answer.

(Much like how this guy feels.)

But of course, not every question is purely hilarious

The above makes you question what constitutes "normal" (if there is any such thing) in terms of sexuality. But the reason it sometimes doesn't feel funny is because you are the object which someone else's power is being forced upon.

You wonder whether it is the culture of repressing mention of sexuality - along with defecation and urination - in the public sphere that creates these desires by exoticizing them.

Are the dukaan uncles who blankly wrap sanitary pads in unmarked brown paper bags symptomatic of the brazen desires of men in our society? So deprived by the lack of knowledge about the wondrous contents of what sanitary pads might touch that their fantasies have gone into hyperdrive, manifesting as a need to sexualize any act a female performs.

Every question sent to my blog is almost definitely written by a man.

* * *

(Aside from having a guest blogger, I've also asked the wonderful @Pathipen to be a guest artist for this post. This brilliant and fitting piece is entitled 'Girlstick'. I for one adore the creep factor here, and the girl factor, don't cringe boys, its ok... its a natural part of life. Do check out her blog!)

* * *

Men who are eager to explore the limits of their sexual selves - a fact that all women regardless of era, geography, culture and religion have been subject to as long as mothers have spoken to their daughters.

And in response to these unwarranted explorations, I can choose to mock them, or start pondering over it with some half-baked theory.

Let's explore these two roles a little deeper, shall we?

Being a woman who chooses to ridicule these conventions doesn't win you everyone's approval. Time and again, I am singled out for choosing a name like Bhaichod. The disapproval is not reserved for those who regularly use the desecration of female relatives as an acceptable colloquialism, nor does pointing out the hypocrisy of such behaviour find you any friends...well, unless you have the privilege to know the women I do on twitter :) *shout out to all you lovely ladies for being "you"*

So anyway, being funny is only half acceptable, which leaves being academic about such concerns. The advantage an academic argument has is that you can be taken seriously. In fact, the more you pepper your words with wikipedia-copy-pasted theories and drop the names of odd-sounding academics, the more respect you accrue.

But the further you dig up these references, the further you travel from the mainstream, the more you alienate most people and end up with a thin slice of the people pie.

What if I decide to get angry about this?

Unfortunately, our society reserves the same fate for angry women that it does for friend-zoned guys - once you cross over, there is no turning back.

An angry feminist, or feminazi - to use a more delightfully popular term - is one who doesn't pluck her eyebrows or shave her armpits simply to spite men (as if) and even if she does, she is one whose anger at men is obviously the cause of some deep-rooted and irrational hatred towards the Y-chromosome which is little more than a storm-in-a-teacup.

All these lazy and crude stereotypes have managed to achieve is drive said angry women further up the wall, to the point that they lose their own sense of femininity and are reduced to simply becoming anti-men, their only identity being defined by opposition to the Other, rather than any sense of self.

So how does one react?

The answer might lie not in a multiple choice approach, but a multiple layered one. A woman is not, and can not, be restricted to one pigeon-hole. Men might prefer their goals to be clear and their approaches to be linear, but women often find themselves occupying several roles and emotions at the same time, and even revel in such situations when possible.

But perhaps the biggest deterrent to this multiple-approach is that for all the feelings we may feel, we are given very little clue, or space, to articulate them.

If we return to the tumblr questions I was asked, we see that they are the products of men exercising their curiosity and crudity towards sexual matter. Much of this world is structured to allow an unashamed freedom for men to do so.

Male, and mainstream, humour is repeatedly sexual, but that's just ‘shits-and-giggles.’ Mainstream curses - in every language that I have heard of - are also primarily around the act of sex, and these are words that are almost inevitably regular when uttered by men, but can get risque or even rebellious when spoken by women, showcasing their relative exclusion from such spheres. Male achievements and ambitions are also often brazenly sexual, with everyone from idiots to intellectuals holding an orgasm as their purpose of existence.

Nature seems to give this advantage to men. When they have the first stirrings of sexual impulses, they manifest in a visibly erect appendage and a visually verifiable orgasm, which they spew in a sticky mess (yikes, doesn’t sound too enviable now does it!?)

Women on the other hand deal with the development of appendages that are visible to all. The girls who revel in the new found attention two sacks of fat endow them with, or those who hunch their backs in vain attempts to try and cover the sirens of sin that have suddenly sprouted on them.

And then they also have to deal with the trauma and wonder of mensuration, which immediately saddles responsibilities and disasters on a monthly basis. There are those who have to call home to ask for a new uniform-wali shalwar and a pair of panties while they try and come to grips with how much their life has suddenly changed, and those that sharply turn every time they get up a chair to see if there are any traffic-signal-red stains left behind.

And when we get to our desires - oh, our layered, murky, impossible to isolate desires. Desires which are caught between the dance of curses and stares, guitar solos and chocolate eyes, glimpses and grazes, shame and submission.

But of course, these advantages are not as natural as they seem.

Instead, because our culture and our selves privilege one set of expression over another, it is a given norm that male sexuality is obvious and undeniable. The journey towards sexual freedom has not done as much for the liberation of women as it has allowed for the proliferation of shockingly disgusting behaviour, such as the growing success of the Axe deodorant commercials.

But not all hope is lost amidst a nerdy man selling odor-repellent on the corpse of female dignity.

This very blog is testament to the possibility of having multiple approaches to these conversations. About the possibility of exploring these feelings in a sense that does not intimidate. But the only way to appreciate this space, instead of admiring it as only some socio-political gesture, is to embrace these ideas. To start seeing that the silence and shame and shock that we are forced to associate with sex are all superficial to what our truer emotions are. That they are facets which only display the most limited and limiting approaches. That exploring further doesn’t mean shedding these thoughts, but surpassing them.

We can’t keep pretending we don’t feel too. Nor do we need to. Embrace the female octopus...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Watch this Video While I work on my Next Post :)

I've met some very interesting people through my blog, one of those people is @Snootyshark He's always got the best links to share. One of those links in particular really struck a chord with me. Yet another way society is pressuring women to conform to a certain set of ideals. Its nothing new for us to feel like we have to try to look a certain way, but this is a whole other level.

If you're a woman, and you've got about an hour to spare, I highly recommend you watch this documentary called 'The Perfect Vagina' (there is a black screen in a few parts but hang in there)

If you're a perv lookin to get off, go to a porn site. I dont think this doc will really serve that purpose.

* * *

Ok seriously, I had no idea women had so many issues surrounding the appearance of their genitalia. And also, i had no idea there was so much variety in appearance. So i've definitely learned a couple of things here.

Its appalling that some young women feel so conscious about the appearance of their vaginas that they're willing to go through such extreme measures to 'beautify' them. Aren't you cutting off nerve endings in a labiaplasty? *shudder*

Also, the hippy stuff towards the end, where they sit in a circle and talk about how they feel about their bits and then invite others to look with them. Err... call me a prude... but wtf... haha that is definitely not something i'd be interested in. But whatever works for them I guess.

The hymen reconstruction surgery isn't as shocking....being from the part of the world that i'm from and growing up in the Middle East, you did hear of such things. unfortunate.... but they do exist. However, i've never met anyone who knows of anyone who's done it.... have you?

Ladies(and men), I'd love to hear your thoughts on this brilliant documentary.
And thanks again @Snootyshark! keep em comin' :)

Sunday, March 11, 2012

"These Things about me are Very Unnerving to Straight Guys"

Ok, so I'd like to talk a bit about my last post.

Where I received an email from Aminah, who was confused about the fact that she's aroused by the thought of being with another woman, but not actually interested in having a same-sex encounter. *GASP*

Sounds like a contradiction, but is actually a pretty common occurrence. From the comments I got on twitter, and email, and the few i received on the blog. Seems like a lot of women can relate to this. So relax Aminah, there is nothing out of the ordinary here.

Women are often looking for relatability...especially as far as arousal is concerned. We need to relate to whatever visual stimulation we are exposed to. It just goes to show that we're not wired like men at all in that department. A plain ol' picture of a penis just doesn't do it for us in most cases. And the fact that we need to mentally put ourselves in the picture...probably explains why a lot of women are turned on by watching lesbian porn. Watching another girl's genitals get touched, you can relate it to yourself, and hence the arousal.

Whereas a girl getting pounded by a 12 inch dick... is usually not our idea of the sexiest situation, contrary to what porn may make a guy believe. The same goes for a girl getting cum splattered all over her face, or having a giant cock shoved really far down her throat (and yes that is different from loving and desirable oral sex)....I did a post a while ago about finding pornography catered to women. So you might want to take a look at that, Aminah - what you're experiencing is nothing to be concerned about. You're just a regular girl... that probably needs a lot more cerebral action to get you going.

And like i said earlier, sexuality cannot be pigeonholed sometimes. Its just too fluid. I forget what movie it was, but I remember watching a movie last year about a lesbian couple, where the more 'butch' partner used to get turned on by watching gay (male) porn... So very many things could be said about that. Thoughts, anyone?

* * *

Also, here's what my male interviewees had to say about homosexuality:

Fahad, Male, 24

I definitely don’t think it’s a disease as some people perceive. And this is a reason why more and more people feel ok about ‘coming out’ in the world - because they know that it’s not a disease and there is nothing wrong with them. They realize that it’s simply a preference.

If people just look at it as a preference, there wont be half the problems..
I think that each homosexual person has different reasons for being so – part of it is societal and some part is biological – it is different for each person with each component existing to varying degrees.

…this may sound silly but everyone to a certain degree has some homosexuality in them, the difference lies in how open you are to putting yourself in a homosexual situation…. And similarly every homosexual has a bit of heterosexuality in them...

I think it’s mostly societal, and barely has anything to do with biology or genetics. But I'm still open to the idea that a homosexual parent can raise a child as well as anyone else. If my own child turns out to be gay, ideally, I would hope that it doesn’t bother me, and the way I see it now, I don’t think it will but – you never know how you react once you're actually in a situation. I know that its not easy, you have to go through so many things when you tell people you’re gay – they look at you a certain way, they act a certain way….you know I’d rather not have my child go through so many uncomfortable situations.

I do have gay friends in other parts of the world and I also have one friend that is openly gay in Pakistan. Here, that person is most definitely a rare find.

In society today,lesbians are seen as chicks who like to experiment….people don’t take them seriously, they always see them as someone who is experimenting, and because of this reason … I would say that society is more accepting of lesbians than gay men.

They are just like anyone else; they aren’t going to put on a show for any guy that comes along – it’s not like American pie!

Sultan, Male, 19

I don’t think homosexuality is wrong. As long as two individuals like it – no one has the right to interfere in their life. If 2 people want to do it - go ahead – its none of my business. But I really don’t know much about it, I haven’t even had the privilege of chilling with a homosexual person. How would I know how someone becomes a homosexual. This is not something I think about because it’s so different from who I am that I don’t think I could even conclude a reasonably accurate answer –Because I don’t have enough facts or scientific evidence to truly understand homosexuality.

If one of my friends was gay I wouldn’t have a problem with it – as long as he’s a good person and as long as he isn’t trying to hit on me.

Uhhh….. I wouldn’t want my child to go through the pain that a homosexual has to go through in this society. That would be one reason that would make me want my child never to be a homosexual because they are extremely tormented people in this day and age and I wouldn't want my child to go through that.

Khizer, Male, 26

I don’t get it, why would you be interested in men, when you have something like women around?

It’s something maybe I’m closed about it or I haven’t learned enough about it, but there is no way in hell I could get attracted to a guy. Honestly I know that guys like to watch two girls together, but you can tell the girls are just doing it…. Are you talking about real lesbians or the shit they show on TV?

Guys are gay and women are gay – but you know how lesbians are considered to be -oh wow 2 girls together- it’s an act to attract guys, that’s it. I can agree with women who are really gay, because I think they can maybe see the beauty that women have but obviously I don’t see why guys go together. In the end it’s the same thing why go to something that’s not meant for you in a way…

Imad, Male, 25

I think if it’s (homosexuality) been existing since forever – then its natural and its fine. And that’s what most homosexuals say. I believe them – I have some close homosexual friends. A male homosexual friend was like ‘I can’t be attracted to a woman, it just doesn’t happen’ which makes sense, the way I cannot be attracted to a man. That’s how he was naturally made. The only contradiction is – if it is unnatural, it is more of a sociological thing as opposed to a genetic thing then maybe it’s odd and people should look into it.

Qasim, Male, 26

i don't see anything wrong with it.. i have enough people in my life that are gay.. i have enough friends that are gay.... I'm quite out there in the gay scene even .. to me its a part of who the other person is.... if ur happy with it .. i don't see why anyone should care... or why u should care what anyone else thinks.

But these are my views now, not what they used to be. (laughs) But if it was up to me... i would bring this forth to my niece... to educate her about it ... but its not my call ... i've never talked to my brother about it.. to be honest... i don't see it as being a big issue for him ... cuz he's very comfortable around my gay friends.... he's comfortable even going to the gay village with me .......I would hope that when i have my kids i can be this open minded about it then as well ... but i don't know if im going to have kids... i've had countless discussions.... with family members... cousins... and im very... pro... well not 'pro' homosexuality... but not against it.... im actually planning to have a float next year at gay pride parade.. im changing quite a bit.... last yr i was asked to be on the ASAAP (Alliance for South Asian Aids Prevention) float but i turned it down... cuz i thought it would just be very very frowned upon by the community in general...although .. having said that i did perform on stage... for the indian act for last year's Pride...i was offered a position as ASAAPs male to male outreach co ordinator .. but i turned it down .. but being actively involved for personal reasons is different, but professionally i didn't see it as going over too well with everyone.. its a little confusing... on one hand i don't hide the fact that i'm 'out there'.... going around with my gay friends.... i would never hide it.... its something that I'm changing about continuously... cuz I'm becoming more confident as a person on whole.. the more confident i become the less i really care what other people think... the people that matter to me .. they are ok with everything....the more i grow as a person... i see that (without sounding too cocky and full of myself) there are a lot of girls out there that go there... they're not bothered by that. The more that i see this side of women... the more confident i am that its not something i need to hide. In the past I've been on more dates... and I've had more relationships with girls that i met through my gay friends....As a whole... i find gay guys to be a lot more pleasant.. and i find them to be a lot less judging of you ... whereas straight guys.. I'm not and never have been the one of the most macho-est guys ever.. I'm not one of those guys that can sit in a group of men that comments on womens boobs.. and knocking them up... i don't do strip clubs.. or pornography... i don't get turned on by seeing 2 women getting it on .. so it was always a little odd being around straight guys.... i wasn't comfortable.. but i know gay guys aren't gonna judge me... I'm very comfortable with who i am as a person ... when i go clubbing ... i'll dance with a girl without having any sexual feelings there... i can grind with a girl... almost as easily as i can with another guy.. and i can do both just as easily... these things about me are very unnerving to straight guys.. and that's why I'm very comfortable with gay guys.

My past view: (laughs) Gay = wrong.. gay = sin ... my views were very negative.. VERY negative.. i remember that i used to say that if my kid ever turned out to be gay...i would disown him ... there were lots of times we'd get into the car... and drive through church st. just for looking at the gay guys... now when i tell my gay friends... they think I'm a jerk... but back then my identity was a mixture of what my religion said who i should be... what my parents wanted me to be... and what a good older sibling should be... i remember there was a point where i used to say where they shouldn't have the same rights as a regular married straight couple. That's why i also say that sexuality is something that should be explored it changes u as a person ... it changed me as a person. I laugh my old views off... i sit there and talk about how these Americans are so ignorant about Muslims... but i think about it ... and i was equally as ignorant .. just on a different topic.. I'm ashamed at who i was.

Ali, Male, 29

i think its good i guess.... whoever is homosexual ... its good for him .. i think he should.. everybody has a right to live life their way, and i have no problems with it..

NJ, 42, Male

That’s something I still can't find a answer until now. Maybe its natural or hereditary. But in our society (northern areas in pak) its lack of mixing with opposite sex. Many of my friends we did enjoy each other in skools college days and I don’t think we all were homos. But I think since there was no interaction with girls so we explored each other and it was not real intercourse. It was just doing between thighs or butts with some lotion or spit. Or rubbing penis with each other. In some cases when u like aroma and looks... sucking also. We all are tall handsome good looking men married having kids now.

Bilal, 24, Male

[Homosexuality]Its as natural as heterosexuality. I honestly don’t believe you can be turned gay, nor do I believe it’s a product of nurture. I just honestly wished my family saw it the same way. Id like to think they would want me to be happy, but it’s not likely that they will accept me

* * *

So a whole range of views there, some less accepting than others. But i liked that there was such diversity in the Pakistani male opinion among my interviewees. I'm actually surprised that so many of them had so much to say about the topic. I expected the stereotypical homophobic response from most of them, where they find it so intolerable that they would even refuse to talk about the subject. Sure, some are more uncomfortable than others and that comes across in their words... but no one was outright bigoted. Perhaps because they know my views on the subject... or perhaps I'm not giving the average Pakistani guy enough credit at all.

NJ represents a pretty common situation from what I've heard; without access to the opposite sex, a lot of guys in closed societies often adapt and experiment amongst themselves. And when they're married, their spouses haven't got a clue about their past. Which is a bit unfair I think. If you're spending your life sleeping with the same person, I think full disclosure should be a prerequisite. But that's my opinion.

Qasim is definitely not your typical straight guy, and he's had quite the turnaround in opinion. Its all very interesting, as always silent readers, I would love to hear your thoughts... NOT on twitter or email... I'd like to hear them here. Thank you :)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Sexuality is never just Black & White

Its mornings like this one, when I wake up to emails like this... that i love writing my blog. I am honoured that people feel comfortable enough to trust me with the most intimate details about their life. Below is a perfect example of what I always say; that something as complex as sexuality is never just black and white. In fact, it is a fluid, ever-changing and constantly evolving entity of its own...(with tentacles :P )

Sometimes it is a reflection of our upbringing...sometimes its a result of our just is.

Whatever the reasons for its current shape or state, its definitely important to try and learn more about the subtle layers that make up human sexuality...for that is a window into our own psyche.

Thank you Aminah for your honesty!

Hi Eiynah,
I came across your blog and I have to say it was a breath of fresh air! A truly open minded place for desis to share stories about sex and sexuality. I’m loving all the topics you’ve covered so far, and will most definitely keep checking in. I wanted to say thanks for doing a great job, don’t stop.

I notice that you have been covering the topic of homosexuality quite a bit lately. And I just wanted to share my story with you. You often have great advice for your contributors and I was hoping you could clarify some things for me too.

First I will give you some background about myself, I am born and raised in Karachi. My upbringing has been very liberal so you can’t say that I represent the average Pakistani. The people I socialize with are all ferociously liberal as well. Probably as a result of this upbringing, and social circle I do not consider myself sexually repressed. In fact I think I am quite comfortable and aware of my sexuality. I am engaged to the love of my life, and I enjoy a very healthy sex life with my fiancĂ©. Except there is one thing that bothers me slightly:

As far as visual stimulation goes, I am only aroused by looking at other women. I am most definitely not a lesbian. Or even bisexual, I don’t think I could ever actually go through with a same sex encounter. Not that I think there is anything wrong with it, but its just not for me. Except when I am looking for visual stimulation or I am fantasizing. I almost never fantasize about being with a man, always with a woman, it is the only way I get aroused. And if I watch pornography, I like to watch lesbian porn. The visual image of a naked guy doesn’t do much for me. This is very hard for me to explain, I hope I am making some sense here. If I masturbate I have to picture being touched by another woman, yet.. I have no interest in actually being with a woman. Its very confusing to me. I feel nothing for women, or about women. I could never be emotionally attached to a woman in that way. I could only ever have a relationship with a man. And I have found myself a perfect man, whom I love very much.

Of course I haven’t discussed this with my fiancĂ©, because I don’t want to hurt him. Plus I don’t think he would understand, I barely understand myself. To put it briefly, I love having sex with him, I love being touched by him, I even love giving him pleasure. I am just not turned on by the male naked body the same way I am by the ‘image’ of a female naked body. (I say ‘image’, because I think if I was faced with an actual naked female, I probably wouldn’t be aroused, just uncomfortable.)
So what I’m trying to say is that my ideal sexual situation is, to be with a man, have sex with a man whilst thinking about having sex with a woman. Does that make any sense at all?


-ps. Of course this goes without saying, but feel free to post this email on your blog. I would love to hear what other people/women have to say.

Now, myself and Aminah would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. And in an attempt to keep this post brief, I will not say much more right now, I will talk more about this email in my next post.

Happy Monday folks! Friday is one day closer now.