"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross"

So the other day I received an email from Fahmida who wanted to share her story. I think its a very important one too.... because I'm sure a lot of women (especially Pakistani), can relate - but they may not have the courage to speak up....So thanks Fahmida for voicing this...you are a brave, strong and wonderful woman. 

Fahmida, 34, Female

I always make the most of what I have been given. I married very young because I fell in love and was so happy he chose me too.

My husband is my first and only sexual partner. I was young and eager to have a physical relationship with him. Just a little uninformed about how much time and patience it would take for me to appreciate my needs and have an honest relationship.

I raised 2 beautiful kids and even though it was tough to work, I tried to give them and our family everything. It did put a strain on our sex life as we had kids so fast. Despite the demands of parenthood we still connected regularly. My body was re-adjusting after giving birth and our experiences were more to satisfy him than me.

He was good to caress me, hold me after and make sure my emotional side was taken care of. Being postpartum, that was essential. Tenderness and gentility are paramount. We spooned a lot in those days as a gentler way to make love.

I breastfed both girls and although it was uncomfortable and awkward to be dripping milk at times, I would expose my breasts and offer them to my husband who expressed that he liked “big boobs”. He also would routinely caress them at night while I slept. Never realizing that the contact would cause me to lactate.

Now that I have lost all the baby weight and my breasts have dramatically reduced in size, I have been told that he prefers me larger. I needed to find other ways to make him happy. Forgetting about myself.

(That right there is where the issues begin I think, whether you're too big or too small, too tall, too short....women are very often held up to unrealistic standards. Yes, we're not all the same size, and telling us that we are 'preferred' one way or another can be incredibly damaging and hurtful. Especially in a 'loving' relationship....)

I started to perform oral sex on him because while I was pregnant I needed an alternative to intercourse. Hand jobs were for teenagers in cars or for desperate times.

(So you didn't have oral sex before you got pregnant? Also, I don't know what your specific pregnancies were like, but for most healthy pregnancies intercourse is ok right till the very end [unless your doctor has specified otherwise]... but yes, I'm sure manoeuvring a giant belly isn't easy, so I totally get how you wouldn't be into penetrative sex during those days) 

He was able to tell me what he wanted and how he liked me to suck his balls. I didn’t like it at first but he was so into it and really enjoyed it. I learned to please him more and actually read an article by a porn star on how your tongue can be your best friend. I almost got a sense of power and thrill at how I could look up at him and see him so in the moment, being intoxicated with pleasure, by me.

(And that's how it should be for both parties involved, there is a sense of pleasure and achievement in satisfying your partner - especially if there is love. Sex that is solely for one's own pleasure, might as well be masturbation...what is the point of connecting with another person in that way if you don't care to see them through to the other side?)

He was so keen for me to go down on him that after the births of our kids, I actually gave him blow jobs in the hospital late at night after the babies were asleep and family was gone.

(Wow, What? How on earth did you have the energy/stamina/desire to do that after doing something fucking excruciating and life-changing like giving birth?! Even physical stamina aside, I imagine one is so emotionally drained that to get yourself in that mindset is a task and a half. The only thing that bothers me about this is if you didn't choose to do this yourself.... if you were in any way pressured into performing oral sex after childbirth...that is not ok. Sure its fine, and incredibly amazing if that's how you yourself were feeling, and chose to express your love in that way, but I'm just having a hard time believing that you or any woman would want to exert herself further, especially in a sexual way *right after childbirth* 

So once again, If you were in any way pressured/coaxed into it - that's a red flag for me.)

He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross and he actually gagged.

(This breaks my heart. It truly, truly does. No one deserves to have that happen to them. If he doesn't think that you going down on him is gross, then he should be fine with reciprocating. The double standard infuriates me and boggles my mind. I don't think you should put up with it. Honestly, he deserves a taste of his own medicine, if he thinks its gross - then its gross both ways. 

Don't do it any more. You are not his personal sex slave, that lives to please and satisfy him. You are a human being, who deserves to be appreciated too. I don't know how many countless (Pakistani/Desi/Muslim) women suffer through this same issue, my advice to all of them would be to stand up for themselves in the bedroom too. Sex is a very important part of your relationship and if you're not getting respect there, then you will probably not get it in other situations too. That cannot be a very happy way to live. You do not deserve that. If you're a desi man reading this, and you too refuse to 'travel south', then you should have the same standards when it comes to your own pleasure.  No cunnilingus (should) = No Fellatio. You got that? None of this double standard bullshit.)

I decided to take matters into my own hands- literally. After he finished and was washing up in the bathroom or showering, I would (and still) masturbate. I did not orgasm after our sex sessions but moaned and pretending to finish as to not hurt his ego.

(I hate to say this, because you do sound like you really love him - but maybe its time to stop caring about hurting his feelings, he certainly doesn't have any issue hurting yours)

I have a nice figure and have enjoyed dressing up in the privacy of our room for him: mini skirts, strapless dresses, lacy bras, beaded thongs, garter belts and leather boots. I had been advised that good wives dress up for their husbands. So I did.

(You sound like an amazing person who is willing to try anything to please the person she loves, but these things have to be reciprocated... there isn't much point if one person tries and tries... and eventually burns out)

Only after a huge fight did I address that he looked sloppy and disgusting in shorts and a ripped t-shirt while I looked like I was going to a club, so could HE make an effort? Just his penis wasn’t doing enough for me.

It was the first time I had vocalized any preference in the bedroom.

I have continued to enjoy dressing up and even discussed the possibility of role playing. He decided that it was beyond his mental bandwidth. Translated: “Too much work. Far easier to have wife in a tight, white blouse, black miniskirt, no underwear with patent-leather 4 inch heels, sucking on my dick”.

(If you enjoy it, that's great...dressing up and feeling good about it can do wonders for your self-esteem. But let me get this straight, so you vocalized the issue and he just brushed it off... and yet you continued to do everything in your power to please him? My dear, sweet Fahmida, thats not going to work for too long, because you are a mere mortal. You can't just keep going endlessly, at some point you will break...don't let that happen to yourself.)

I decided to empower myself and dress up for me. I have worked hard on my body and am often told I appear to be 10 years younger than I am. I will get dolled up and appreciate my ass in lacy, black, brazilian-cut panties.

After being married for a decade, I turned 30 and felt my body start to yearn for physical completion. My body was urging touch, taste, feel and sound in a sometimes aggressive manner. I didn’t feel so gentle and tender anymore. I wanted to grab him, suck, be held, struggle and claw, tie him up and let him watch. I wanted him to hold me up against a wall, use his tongue unabashedly and maybe even turn me over and go at me from the back, side, legs up, sideways, straddle on a chair, on the stairs... I really am open to trying new things out.

(Any man would be lucky to have you, and I'm sure some of the ones reading are wishing they did, for realz.)

We don’t live in a joint family so we have privacy to have sex anywhere. Just as long as the girls are not around or awake to witness.

I told him that I enjoyed him coming home after working out and having perspired. For some reason I enjoyed tasting the salty-ness of his sweat. He replied that it was “gross” and he needed to shower before having sex.

I realized my preferences may not be honoured but I kept pressing the issue.

For my voice and needs to be recognized was/is so important.

I am open to trying new positions to escape the boring, missionary-style sex. I really couldn’t enjoy being on top until after the girls were born. I was too tight and although confident in my personality- still very shy in my sexuality.

My first *enjoyable* experience being on top was an epiphany. It was the first time I had an orgasm after 5 years of marriage. We had tried before it was never comfortable for me and I was too stiff to relax.

(So the first time you ever had an orgasm was after 5 years of being married? Or an orgasm through penetrative sex you mean?)

Now, my favourite position is being on top but it poses a difficulty for my husband. He is “too aroused” by me on top and cums too quickly.

(Tell him to try 'relieving' himself earlier in the day, beforehand..that might help him last longer)

So, I am laid on my back and pounded for less than a minute and have to make sounds pretending that I am in the throws of ecstasy.

(You don't have to just lie there and fake it you know, you should address this issue. If he can't be hard for longer than a minute, there are doctors and things for that. If he's not comfortable with that... then he has to be open to pleasing you in other ways... I think its time you let him know that one minute of pounding ain't doing shit. That's why he has a tongue and 10 fingers, and all the toys in the world available to please his partner.)

Even him being behind me is not possible because he says I am too lubricated and he gets soft.

(You being *too* lubricated makes him soft? Thats the first time I've heard that...?)

After 16 years and I am still devoted... but I have to draw the line.

I have been sexually starved for far too long. In the last 2 years I have orgasmed maybe a dozen times.

That is even after having sex at least 4-5 times a week. Frustrating is an understatement.

(After 2 kids and 16 years of marriage, you have sex 4-5 times a week?! On the surface that sounds amazing...but if each time its sex without orgasm, I can understand your frustration. The term 'blue balls' exists for men... I wonder if they even have an equivalent term for women)

I love my husband. He loves me. Neither of us has ever strayed even though opportunity has

arisen.

I have started demanding longer, better sex where I feel I need it. I want penetration to last more than 40 seconds if and when he is able to stay hard.

I want mutually fulfilling foreplay - not always me giving him a blow job so he can get hard.

I also want to create equality in our bed. Where I can talk dirty and he not be offended by my forwardness. His manhood is thrusting in me so I think it’s OK for me to say “fuck me longer- harder” in a gentle and pleading whisper.

(Wait, he's offended by your dirty talk? Wtf! If he's a particularly religious man (and I'm getting the sense he is), maybe you could look up stuff from the more 'progressive' Islamic schools of thought. Where lots of regular sex stuff is ok as long as you are in a *hetero-marriage* No anal, but hey...at least there will be some supporting religio-stuff to quote and study together? Have you tried speaking to him about this? That its something you like to do? Seems to me like he cuts you off every step of the way...your needs and desires don't seem to be of *any* importance to him... and that indicates a deeper problem...one that goes beyond the sexual realm. Huge red flag.)

I want to be able to climb on top of him and grind with clothes on just to excite myself without him looking embarrassed and awkward.

(He sounds like he's super oldschool... is he 98?)

I want to be told “YES!” when I want to get laid as opposed to “I have a squash game early tomorrow and need to rest”; just like when I was exhausted and still made efforts to please out of love.

I want him to go to a doctor like I have requested umpteen times and get himself checked out so he can retain an erection and not just get soft as blood is pumping through my body and I am about to explode. .

I want him to try harder to please me even if it makes him gag. Or think about getting toys that may do the trick in a non-intimidating and sensual manner.

I can bring a magazine article or book and not be seen as “besharam” (shameless).

(I'm so sorry that he has an issue with almost everything sexual, unless its *his* needs being taken care of. I'm sure that there are thousands of women out there in similar situations. It makes me wonder about your husband though.... what makes him so uncomfortable about sex, with his own wife? Do you think its possible he had some kind of awful experience earlier in his life that is affecting him this way? Do you think it's the values he's learned from traditional religious control on sexuality?)

Acquiring a lover is too much work and morally wrong to me. It is also too many logistics and uncertainty.

Getting an escort to meet my needs is not something I would consider. Ever.

Perhaps my options are limited. I love my partner, our family and what we have built. But my body is  screaming and urging me to address this issue and get myself taken care of.

There is love in marriage. There is compassion. There is sharing. There is compromise. There is generosity. All under the umbrella of sexual fulfillment. And I am entitled to it. I deserve it.

*       *       *

You articulate it so well, you definitely deserve it - and I think it's getting to a point where you need to address it or something will snap... it seems like things are at a tipping point right now. My advice to you would be an open, honest conversation. Sure, feelings will be hurt, he may be shocked...appalled even, at your 'shamelessness' and forwardness about female sexuality. But you need to address this pronto. I don't feel like you guys are on the same page about this at all. That misalignment of values could lead to something much bigger in the future.

I have received several emails about Oral sex and how it plays out in our culture, so I will be posting those soon too. But for now, my heart goes out to you Fahmida - you sound like the most caring and amazing wife, please don't continue to put yourself through this.

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Update: It seems Fahmida's husband somehow figured out this story was about him (crap), despite details being changed. :/  Please remember folks, to clear 'paper trails' (e-trails) to my blog if your computer/phone is not private.

He left this comment below:

Oh Enemies of yourselves. Be mindful of Allah and be mindful of the day you have to stand before Allah and recount the time you've wasted, for it is time you will not get back.

This is "Fahmida's" husband. Your comments are sad reflection of privileged first world problems, as is her one-sided and highly inaccurate account. "Selective Memory" is a terrible problem, but in no matter do I care for a rebuttal.

What I do care for is to remind myself first and then you that these are matters to be decided upon. 

Decide if you want to bear with patience and work through, or decide for divorce, which "Fahmida" knows full well she's been offered many times.

But decide, then move on. You have been given permission by your Lord to decide and move on.

You have not been given permission to indulge and write, and gossip and plot and plan and complain publicly.

Learn about your Deen. And learn one of the biggest responsibilities of our time here on earth is to spread the message of Islam and help those who TRULY are in need.

Not to endulge online in first world problems. Yes, many Muslim Women are sexually unsatisfied. Guess what, many Men are too. Fantastic. Now decide what you want to do and MOVE ON.

Take advantage of whatever you can of this temporary existence so you can actually get somewhere great (Jannah).

But if you can't move on from these online drugs (blogs, twitter, facebook, porn sites). Then at least do yourself a favour and spend time on-line finding out what the Prophet (pbuh) and his beloved Companions (ra) did in regards to sex, relationships, etc.Umm...seriously? Like marry six year olds? Consider puberty to be the age of consent? 

At least that way you may be able to say you "spent" your time wisely. For they were the ones we know for sure to have been successful.

We can't say the same for those around us. It may be that Fahmida is a woman of Paradise married to a man of Hell. Why does she want sexual satisfaction from a man of Hell?

What does any of this article matter then?

Or vice versa.

Don't be enemies of yourself. You have an ETERNITY to worry about. Move on, and worry about it, rather then the temporary goods of your time here.

I pray to Allah for Guidance and Forgiveness for us all.

Assalamu alaikum, Anon.

I kinda assumed he was a fundie, sigh. It disturbs me when people put greater value on an unproven afterlife than the life they are currently *actually* living in.  I am also amused by how he equates twitter and blogs with porn. 

Poor Fahmida. My heart goes out to you. 

Nice Mangos Art Giveaway!

Here are some pics from last time!, I don't think the previous winners were disappointed :) And I'm always thrilled when my art goes to a loving home! 

(England)

(Pakistan)

As promised - I'm doing another art giveaway! Yup, you heard right - I said 'give' away - I send you a print....a piece of original, signed Nice Mangos art, and all you have to do is answer some Nice Mangos Trivia.

And that's just to ensure that the artwork goes to the home of a regular reader, or at least someone who's taken the time to look for the answers :P

So here are 10 questions - the first person to answer 5 of them correctly (pick any 5 you like) and send me  the answers will get the print! (You can tweet, facebook or email me the answers)

1) Is the writer of this blog a male or female?

2) What is this blog about?

3) I recently started a petition, what about?

4) Here's the title of a popular post, fill in the blank:
     Brown Girls Shouldn't have _____ Vaginas

5) What was the post  in Q4) about?

6) True or False: This was the Tag I used on Twitter for the petition : #SignThisPlease

7) Name one of the guest bloggers I've had on here (I've not had many)

8) Only once, I blogged about a celebrity (Bollywood), who was it?

9) I have drawn a couple of 'mock -ads' for fictional products / services - can you name one?

10) I have a hilarious/disturbing and recurring commenter. I've done an interview with him AND a post about all the pervy comments he leaves on the blog. I will be truly impressed if you can recall his 'name' (he goes by initials)

Please remember to write the question number along with the answer, and remember you only have to do 5!

So if you win you can pick one from these:

(The Original)

 (Birds & The Bees)

(Speak)

('Virgin' Bride - this one is a special eidition print, because later I added a nipple ring. This is the version before the ring, which I wont ever print again.)

Cheers!
______________________________________

Thank You all so much for your interest, but the contest is now closed. It was such a close call.. the first 3 were literally seconds behind each other. Congrats to @Snootyshark for winning! 

Sex, Religion and omg... menstruation?

So..... much more interesting conversation has been generated from the last post. I'm glad that more of you are participating and letting your thoughts be heard :) Its truly the best way to learn more about topics unknown and un-discussed.... for example one of my commenters wrote on the last post;


"Also, it [Islam] doesn't really oppress female sexual desires. If anything, it protects females by prohibiting men from sex during periods, which doctors today say would be harmful for females."


and then followed up with:


"As for proof, there are doctors you can talk to about sex during menstruation. I have asked doctors, that too female ones about it and the majority hold the view that its not safe, irrespective of how horny they might be feeling. Now to give you some "proof", "A woman's risk of sexually transmitted disease and infection is higher than normal during this time because the cervix opens to allow blood to pass through. Unfortunately, this creates the perfect pathway for bacteria to travel deep inside the pelvic cavity. A woman is also more likely to pass on blood-borne diseases like HIV and hepatitis to a partner during her period, and she's more likely to develop yeast or bacterial infections because the vagina's pH during menstruation is less acidic" as taken from http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/101/specialist/berman/sex-during-period.aspx ."


But of course, like I said to him us humans can manipulate facts to suit our needs... we can just pick and choose what to point out, if it strengthens our point... because the same website, does indeed say its perfectly normal to have sex during your period. Certain precautions should be taken, but then again... isn't that the case with all sex? 

http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sex-during-your-period.aspx (link courtesy of @themaholupper)

(its time to re-use this illustration, i think :P)

Anyhoo, I took to twitter, to ask what more people's opinions were on the matter. Because I was a bit surprised actually, to read the view that prohibiting sex during menstruation, was actually 'protecting' females. Now of course, everyone has their own opinion and preference... so I'd like to say that I appreciate everyone's input. In fact, without the above comment, I wouldn't have had half as much to say - so thank you!


But I'd also like to point out that there is nothing medically unsafe (religion is another thing entirely) with having sex during your period (see link above for more information). If you aren't in a monogamous long-term relationship... you should be using condoms anyway! 


Here is some of what was said;

 

And then I had a volunteer email me her own account of having intercourse during menstruation:


Clearly this is a subject many people have lots to say about. And I'm glad it came out, because this wasn't even on my list of topics to write about... it just kinda happened on its own.


*     *      *
Well my boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. Our relationship was physical before any emotional attachments. But I think it's safe to say we are quite in love now. We are both each other's first sex partners although he had fooled around with oral sex in his earlier relationships.

When we are together it's quite impossible for us to keep our hands off each other. It's more of my fault actually since I use sex as validation for love. So the first time I was with him during my period we didn't hesitate to agree on having sex.

The issues I would like to point out are 1. Hygiene 2. Comfort 3. Birth control.

For hygiene we just needed some towels under my nether regions. We layered two towels with a plastic bag between them so as to prevent any stains on his bed sheet. We also had to keep tissues and a sanitary napkin nearby in case of any emergencies.

The comfort is totally dependent on the individual. Mentally if someone thinks it's gross, there's no point in doing it since what's the fun in doing something you won't enjoy? But fresh period blood does not smell bad at all. Smells kind of citrusy. I have to hand it to my boy though. He made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me. After some initial anxiety I was pretty happy.

Physical comfort for the girl can be an issue. During menstruation the cervix distends so the penis hits it harder and there is a lot more sensation. The guy here needs to he careful and adjust the speed and force of intercourse accordingly.

Recommended position would be missionary. I tried to ride him once while on my period and despite being extremely erotic and fun, it ended up in a mess of cum and blood on his pelvis.

Now because the girl is much more sensitive, condoms as a form of birth control might not be comfortable. My guy usually pulls out right before ejaculation but that might be risky as it requires practice and control. The female is said to be infertile during menstruation but there is a slight chance of pregnancy since sperm can live in the vaginal tract for upto 5 days. If someone's cycle is short and if ovulation occurs right after menstruation, there is a slight chance of fertilization. I would suggest if not done on the first day, keep some misoprostol handy.

The side effects include increase in blood flow after sex since the hormones released during an orgasm speed up the contractions of the womb causing faster expulsion of the uterine lining. My period lasts 5-6 days but if I have sex I'm done in 3-4 days.

Religiously, as far as I know, Islam condemns intercourse during menstruation.

Personally, I would recommend people to try it if they're curious and not grossed out. It can be a lot of fun since sensitivity is enhanced and if done on the first day you don't need to worry about birth control.

*     *      *
Sounds like she really knows her stuff :) 'Cept one thing that I pointed out to her, and would like you to take note of  as well,  is that the withdrawal method is never reliable, because pre-ejaculate can get a person pregnant too.  


Just sayin' - You should always know what you're getting in to.....

Anyhoo, here's what the men had to say about sex & religion. Remember, dear readers - that tolerance is key - if there are views expressed here that offend you to your core, the best way to deal with that is expressing yourself in a well thought out, relevant comment.

Fahad, Male, 24 
I'm not sure that sex plays much of a role in religion aside from procreation - but I do know there are some specifics mentioned in the Quran.


Sultan, Male, 19
If you look at the view of a mainstream, conventional religious person – sex is very taboo. In religion it’s a very mechanical type thing.


Khizer, Male, 26
I think sex is a part of religion, I don’t know about other religions but in Islam it’s allowed and it’s a part of it. I don’t think it goes so deeply into kinkyness and fetishes etc but its something that is discussed, and Islam does tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, and why you should or shouldn’t … I’ve heard it tells you exactly how to do it because of why you should do it that way because it gives you a higher chance of pregnancy – missionary sex with her left leg on top of your right shoulder…or the other way… so it gets the deepest penetration.


Imad, Male, 25 
I think sex plays no role, absolutely no role in religion. Religion I think is all about restriction – more often than not – and giving yourself more things to do … more of a purpose, and restricting one of your most general desires is one of the biggest self-made purposes… so it has no role, technically.


Qasim, Male, 26

religiously, its purely seen as a way of procreating and thats it... ur supposed to have sex just so u can raise a family... have kids... religiously its not something for pleasure of excitement... its purely for the act of having a kid... ur not supposed to have sex for pleasure. 

Ali, Male, 29
In religion sex is something for which u should not be looking at grls, or using booze or anything... u just take her pants off......do it and leave her... its wrong completely......  its for mens pleasure ... it is a very concealed  act.. u should not see womens body.. it should be dark when u have sex... and i disagree with that...


NJ, 42, Male
Difficult question. Well I think except Hinduism all religions think sex is for reproduction only. In islam maybe its both repro & enjoyment. But sometimes I think why minaret is like erect penis and domes look like big boobs ! 


Bilal, 24, Male
Im not the religious type, specially with my sexuality, im not  always thinking about sex and religion at the same time. That would seriously play havoc with my head.


S.K.A., 28, Male
In a society like ours, religion plays a part in everything. Too bad that the most distorted kind of Islam is all we get. Nowhere in Islam is it forbidden to have sex as recreation (albeit between married couples). We choose to ignore that. The curse of Selective Islamism! Muslims when it comes to sex, not when it comes to basic humanitarian principles of honesty, tolerance etc.


Hamid, 24, male
Sex for most religions is something that needs to be strongly and harshly contained and regulated. Rampant sexuality in a society has many ill consequences, and especially if we imagine the situation in the pre-scientific era when there was no such thing as ‘safe sex’ and there was practically no prevention against pregnancy and STDs, and the society was extremely misogynistic. There was some grain of wisdom in that religions tried to suppress and thwart the sexual impulse to avoid those evils, but I think these attempts were not successful and created many negative consequences of their own.


Arsalan, 20, Male
Well, Islam lays down strict injunctions about the subject, so yeah, sex does play a role in religion. I have studied about Islam a lot, and the fact that mystifies me is that while our religion lays down punsihments as extreme as  stoning for adultery, it doesn’t lay down any law about rape. Also, we have accounts of the prophet Muhammad taking sex-slaves as wives. A princess whose father, husband and entire tribe has been murdered, wouldn’t consent to sex with the man who perpetrated these acts willingly, would she?
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Oh - and if u aren't the easily scandalized type - do go ahead and add me on Facebook

Brown Girls shouldn’t have brown Vaginas part 2

Since I had a lot to say, and always do… I had to cut the writer short last time… & since he says it so well, here’s the rest of what he had to say regarding colour & genitals (in case you missed part one of this post, you can read it here)

The modern recourse is to blame everything on colonization and cultural imperialism, but equating feminine beauty with fairness is not a post-colonial phenomenon, not even if we look at imperialism before the industrial/capital driven one in the last few centuries; it seems pervasive in many eras and cultures, even within predominantly ‘white’ cultures themselves. Not all white women have pink genitalia, but that seems to be the standard for them as well, if the internet and pornography and feminist critiques are anything to go by.

Moreover, there wasnt just an internalized racism at play here. These men did watch pornography but did not hold the same colour standards for themselves (after all pornography involves both sets of genitalia). In fact, when it came to the penis, colour paled in comparison to the importance of size; where both pornography and popular perception (and perhaps even empirical evidence, I am no expert) suggests that ‘black’ people have the biggest penises.

Penises become a source of great envy and personal complexes for men, and despite the similarly prejudiced notion that the colour black is not aesthetically appealing, it still becomes the ideal because of the sheer power and prestige associated with magnitude.

In a weird way, one which resists reductions to racism or cultural colonization, the black penis and the pink vagina seemed to be the genital ideals.
* * *

The fact that we have ‘genital ideals’ is pretty surprising for me really… its not an issue I had given much thought to prior to this brown vagina conversation. Of course I am familiar with mens’ obsession with penis size, but anything other than that had not crossed my mind. I wondered if black people had the same colour prejudices when it came to genitals as brown people did… did black guys expect black girls to have pink vaginas like brown guys supposedly expect brown girls to have? I decided to ask an African-Canadian friend.

Of course by now, none of my friends are surprised by the bizarre questions I ask or types of conversations I have with them. I am lovingly called a perv… but clearly they aren’t familiar with the true definition of that word :P

After much beating around the bush and uncomfortable answers that were going nowhere, my friend ‘B’ finally decided to open up:

B: ok, the first time i saw a dark vagina, i have to admit i didn't know what to think, i had thought they were all light coloured. so i can see where they (he’s referring to the group of men mentioned in my previous post about this topic) get that idea from, and just urban myths take it from there, if that’s what everyone is telling you what else are you supposed to think? I had the benefit of not knowing anything, so i was a clean slate

me: well why did u think they were all supposed to be light? porn? did u think a black girl would have a pink vagina?

B: partly porn yes, and also because i had never thought of it till i actually saw one that wasn't, once i realized, it made sense

B: it was an unconscious assumption

me: yeah but if u hadn’t thought about it… why had the picture of a light one popped into ur virgin brain as the standard?

B: because thats all that i had seen

me: where? porn?

B: from the very little porn that i had seen

me: but that was ur only source?

B: at the time, yea

me: and as a black guy it didn’t occur to u that black girls may not have vaginas that looked like that?

B: lol, u overestimate a man's ability to think clearly in a sexual situation

me: cummon now

B: seriously, do you think that’s what we're thinking, that we rationally try to analyze things? we're trying to not cum in our pants and hoping the girl doesn't laugh at how little we know

B: the only time a man's able to have any type of rational thought at that point is if he’s having sex with a girl that he has no feelings for whatsoever, like a prostitute, like i said, afterwards you are able to realize, but at the time? not so much

B: and following this post, you may want to do another about girl’s reactions to un/circumcised penises

me: I’d do one, but it wouldn’t really apply to my readers since most of them are Muslims, I assume all the men are circumcised. So there wouldn’t be much variance in opinion.

***

So, obviously he doesn’t represent ‘all black guys’ or anything, but just in the context of this conversation with him.. its interesting to see that he too fell victim to the expectations set up by the average Caucasian porn vagina.

Of course, he’s not a dickwad, so he doesn’t have idiotic thoughts like ‘dark vaginas are loose’ or ‘dark vaginas give you STDs’ – for him it was a simple case of not thinking it through (apparently they can’t rationalize when aroused..heh… who’d a thunk), and expecting to see what he had always seen on screen. For the Pakistani’s previously mentioned, there was value placed on the lightness of the vagina. There was prejudice and disgust….

I conclude that a lack of exposure and (sexual) education/awareness are the reasons for difference in perception between the Pakistani men and my friend B. Despite the fact that B was taken aback because his expectations had been set up by pornography, once his logic kicked in… a variety in colours made sense to him. And that’s really all it is. People come in different colours, so do penises… then why not vaginas?

As I’ve mentioned time and time again. Pakistanis need more Sex Ed.
One basic tenet of sexual health I’d like to emphasize is: use a rubber people! I know of waaay too many Pakistani men that cheat on their wives with random women/men, and don’t even have the decency to wrap it up. Not only do they risk unwanted pregnancy…. But they bring home diseases to their wives. Sad part is, a lot of these women know what’s going on but are afraid to question their spouses about it.

So one step at a time towards sexual health. If we can’t teach these kinds of men to respect women yet. At least we can make them aware about the risks of unprotected sex.

Qondoms all the way! :)

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

Ayesha, Female, 28
Immensely. It is a far more important aspect of our identities and perceptions of self than are religion or nationality or ethnicity. Under no circumstance should we internalize hatred or derision based on our sexuality, and that can only come through understanding and accepting yourself for what you are.

Layla, Female, 19
It is yes, but I’m still deciding on the right age to be educated. It all depends on the individual and how and what they do with the knowledge.

Ambreen, Female, 28
i think its extremely important.... its ur body u should know what u like and what u dont like

Mariam, Female, 26
Absolutely…its absolutely important…being educated about something makes it a little more real and less perverse…our country needs to do that desperately… because right now sex is seen as something sooooo dirty at the grassroot level…awareness on the topic is so flawed… its leads to a lot of frustration in our population…. Not just the men...the women too….this frustration leads to a level of sickness in the men especially in our country, that actually makes me want to kill myself…from time to time…. – I have been at the receiving end of some of these frustrations…and it really makes you want to … even if not kill yourself… kill them! It makes you want to completely remove yourself from it. I do not consider myself a part of this country for this reason essentially! Fine we have other problems… but this is not something that can ever be a part of my reality…and I think that its going to drag our country down…as it has. It can change… but its probably gonna take close to a hundred years…and I don’t have that kinda time. And this book… will have some effect… but generally the people who will end up reading this book will probably already be on the right track or some form of the right track….i think the people im probably talking about …which make up the majority of the sickness of this country…will probably not come across this book… or if they do…will probably not pick it up and read it. They’ll regard it as either rubbish or trash or promiscuous or whatever…so I don’t think it will change anything at the grassroot level.

Fatima, Female, 25
I think its something that lacks greatly in our country and it needs to be done because we are sexual beings…I grew up with confused sexuality… I didn’t even know what side of the sexual spectrum I was on – now I’ve figured it out... and my theory is that the whole world is bisexual…just to different degrees.

Sumeira, Female, 25
Of course it’s important. You should know yourself; you should know your body first. So yea – there should be that awareness, you should know what you’re doing. We don’t talk about it … and people don’t know – in this society most people are segregated…

Zobia, Female, 22
Absolutely! I think it’s really ridiculous how they don’t teach sex ed in Pakistan. It is extremely important in my opinion and can prevent disease, unwanted pregnancy and eliminate the completely unaware and unknowing attitude our people have towards something that is a part of everyone’s lives.

Saira, Female, 22
absolutely! yes! I think so.

Rabia Female, 23
Yes definitely. A lack of education on sexuality is what has caused it to become an increasingly ‘unmentionable’ topic. Raise the issue, address it in the right manner according to religious/moral guidelines if you’d like, but discuss it – spread awareness!

Farah, Female, 29
Yes – I think so . I’d love to help write a curriculum for sex-ed in Pakistan.

Sam, Female, 28
O yes. and its not like sex-ed is sexy, its actually anything but, its very scientific medical stuff. but it clarifies your basics and it really instills in you the kind of caution you should exercise. Like i said most info is pretty unreliable kids receive is through other kids or sources like porn.

Maliha, Female, 21
I do. I don’t know what the deal is with people who think sexual knowledge is all inborn. Anyone who thinks that should meet the couple one of my friends encountered in her clinic – they’d been doing anal sex for years and actually came to the clinic for infertility issues – when they examined the woman it turned out she was still a virgin. They’d simply been doing it wrong. Methods aside, its absolutely necessary to teach safe sex practices. That can be done easily in a normal school background. But something else that needs to be taught and needs a gentler setting such as the home is simply about how to respect one’s own body and be aware of it – as well as how to respect other people’s bodies and privacy…too little of that is done, which is why so many people end up confused and weird and may even be molested without understanding what’s happening.

Mahreen, Female, 26
To some extent, yes. Having a broader, more liberal worldview may make you far more open to different experiences, but then again I’ve seen lots of uneducated people having uninhibited, kinky sex.

Next time, what my male interviewees have to say about education & sexual awareness.

Brown girls shouldn't have brown Vaginas

So last time I finished up on a positive note, feeling warm and fuzzy about the fact that there are some great, non judgemental Pakistani men out there. Enlightened was even a word I had used. But you know, who am I kidding here…these types are not the norm. Hypocrite, and sexist dbag are words better suited to describe the average (straight) male-supremacist desi dude. The entire society is set up to create them that way, with this sense of entitlement....especially in regards to women. Culture and religion endorse it.

They can be judgemental in ways I hadn’t even fathomed possible. Just the existence of products such as this is testament to that:



What. The. Fuck. No, really... What. The. Actual. Fuck. Why on earth does the already sick desi obsession with being *fair* outdo itself yet again and transcend to a whole other disgusting level? Why? Why do we need to bleach our genitals to satisfy some ridiculous brown male fantasy of wanting a white vagina? That can't be safe.

White porn, is 'the standard' I guess....where a lot of young south Asian men learn about sex, sadly their logic can't extend to understanding that brown women will not look like the white women in porn. And ffs, most women of any race, don't look like women from porn.

Just like penises, vaginas come in all shapes, sizes and colours. If you expect a dark skinned girl to have a pale lady bits...you're out of your mind, just a little bit.

I recently had a discussion with someone who brought up how he had had a conversation about the colour of desi (south Asian) vaginas with other brown guys. He was pretty mortified by what he heard as well. He’s been nice enough to write an account of that evening for this post, pretty shocking to say the least:

A few months ago I was sitting with a bunch of men in a gathering where alcohol was in abundance and conversational restraint in dearth, so the topics naturally revolved around sex, and eventually, what was the best sex they had ever had. Descriptions of ideal sexual partners invariably involved skin tones and complexions and one such description produced a remark that would spark a curious discussion that is to be the basis of this write-up; said a middle-aged man with two wives and a legion of mistresses, ‘no matter how fair skinned a desi woman is, her vagina and nipples are always dark’.

This sweeping statement, which I can tell you from personal experience is factually incorrect, was met unanimously with agreement and approval.

From here on the conversation became exclusively about the colour of female genitalia. Many of the men sitting there were frequent visitors to brothels, and frequent visitors to foreign countries and, predictably, brothels in foreign countries. They also had wives, girlfriends and professed to engage in casual sex without monetary transaction as well.

Turn by turn they related their own stories of the darkest and fairest genitalia they’d come across. As skin colour is also deeply embedded with class and social stature, the most denigrating remarks were for the dark skinned sex workers or servant girls with whom they’d had sexual encounters.

Accusations of lack of cleanliness, hygiene and health were abundant. That they did not like performing oral on somebody with dark vaginas and nipples. The ideal colour was pink; it was repeatedly said that foreign men were ‘lucky’ to have convenient access to it, that the colour somehow made all the difference when it came to oral sex, and that generally their most pleasurable sexual encounters were associated with that colour.

‘The best sex we’ve had’ inevitably involved mentions of the pinkest labia or areolas; they were considered aesthetically more pleasing and therefore more arousing, and arousal played a key part in eventual satisfaction.

Two or three of them deemed that lighter skin around the breast and crotch areas was a sign of sexual health and that they were more suspicious of contracting diseases from darker coloured organs.

(lol if this was true, *all* light-skinned people would be STD free, and that is really really not the case. Idiots.)

One man said that, ‘darker vaginas tend to smell, and taste rotten’. This was a guy who’d never been with a ‘light’ genitalled woman, and was basing this opinion on his experience with pornography; that white men readily seemed to perform oral on fair genitalled women, whereas for him it was an ‘unpleasant’ activity.

(well clearly, you can always tell how a woman’s vagina smells by watching her in a porn video, And you almost never smell anything foul coming from the TV... so you can safely conclude that their vaginas don’t have a smell at all. Can’t argue with such airtight logic. What an intelligent fellow.)

Now I’m going to wager here that performing oral sex, on either gender, by either gender, is not everyone’s cup of tea (sorry if that ruined your evening tea) anyway. Or maybe he just wasn’t doing it right. But it’s curious that instead of exploring his own sexual interests and limitations he would blame, as seems the norm, the woman instead. In this case, the colour and constitution of her genitalia. That had it been more pink his experience would’ve been better somehow.

Another man said that darker vaginas were relatively ‘loose’. Of course the male fascination with vaginal tightness is nothing new, nor even culture specific, and requires an entirely different debate altogether. But this was just another example of attributing a perceived negativity about sexual organs to their colour. ‘Loose’ was his exact phrase, he didn’t even use an Urdu word. He said it quite confidently and when queried by me he could not qualify his statement, beyond saying that ‘they are’ and ‘ask anyone who’s been inside a fairer one’.


(by now, the level of stupidity has crossed every limit that my mind could’ve possibly imagined - However the upcoming sentence sums it up best)

At this point I considered it a small wonder that dark skinned vaginas weren’t held responsible for the rise in oil prices and power outages.

Of course, these highly sexually active men were also going around making snap judgments and generalizations partly out of necessity of habit; given their promiscuity and that they view sex as gratification only, not performance; they don’t have ‘partners’, they have outlets or victims or means to phallic relief.

(And sadly, the writer of this piece has captured the very essence of how too many desi men view sex...it’s a heartbreaking reality. Our cultures don't even recognize that marital rape is a thing, consent is not a concept stressed upon. Women suffer the most of course, but I imagine that something is taken away from the quality of such men’s lives as well. They will never truly know the joy of making love to a partner and not an object of sexual gratification. It must get lonely. But even sadder is the fact that they might be too stupid to realize it.)

So the sexual experience of the woman does not matter, and where one would rationally think that inexperience would actually lead to less pleasurable intercourse, they are firm in their belief that inexperience means tighter vaginal muscles and exponentially more pleasure.

Hence they say things like ‘a thin back means she’ll be tighter down there’. Or ‘thick arms and hands imply wider, unpleasurable vaginas’.


* * *

Well. That was fascinating, disgusting and sad, all at the same time. A rare glimpse for us into the types of conversation that (brown) guys can have when no women are around. Thank you for that.

This conversation definitely sparked a lot of interest on twitter too, here are some interesting things people had to say;

Omair Zeeshan: illogical though. Darker skin has more evolutionary benefits. Should be hardwired to prefer

sharabi kababi‏: Let's face it (heh!!), no one's really examining vags, most of us are just happy to get it in :)

pathipen: Maybe I "knew" men who were more open minded.

Smacula: I think we are all to blame. Porn sets up unreal standards. We like unreal standards. We see real and scorn>>

Smacula: << in that way, porn is much like aunties. Who show off their unreal kids, and set unreal standards. #sorryButHadTo

* * *

I will stress again, that our country is in desperate need of sex ed. We’ve seen what can happen when pornography is a person’s only source of ‘sexual education’ … it makes me sick to my core.

It's time to make sure we raise our sons to be decent men.

If the kinds of thoughts we’ve been discussing in this post seem at all familiar to you, or you see nothing wrong with them, you’re obviously an ignorant asshole. But I suppose it's a start you're here, reading this.

If after reading this you still think having such thoughts are ok, go lock yourself in your room...and don’t come out till you can shine your brown dick to gleaming white or a rosy pink. Just sayin’ ;)