Happy Valentine's Day from Chacha & Faheem!

I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day myself... but I sure do love seeing Chacha and Faheem being in love! I received a letter and a photo from him today, that he wanted me to pass on to all the wonderful folks who have supported the immense struggle it is to be Pakistani and not fit the very narrow mould set out for us.

Yes you can be Pakistani and different, yes you can be Muslim and not fit the 'norm'. Love who you are and don't let this nasty world get you down! xx

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Chacha and Faheem are characters from Pakistan's first anti-homophobia children's book which you can view here

You can support the project and buy a copy of the book here

All copies purchased on Valentine's day will be signed with a 'Happy Valentine's Day' note from the author! 

Sex, Religion and omg... menstruation?

So..... much more interesting conversation has been generated from the last post. I'm glad that more of you are participating and letting your thoughts be heard :) Its truly the best way to learn more about topics unknown and un-discussed.... for example one of my commenters wrote on the last post;


"Also, it [Islam] doesn't really oppress female sexual desires. If anything, it protects females by prohibiting men from sex during periods, which doctors today say would be harmful for females."


and then followed up with:


"As for proof, there are doctors you can talk to about sex during menstruation. I have asked doctors, that too female ones about it and the majority hold the view that its not safe, irrespective of how horny they might be feeling. Now to give you some "proof", "A woman's risk of sexually transmitted disease and infection is higher than normal during this time because the cervix opens to allow blood to pass through. Unfortunately, this creates the perfect pathway for bacteria to travel deep inside the pelvic cavity. A woman is also more likely to pass on blood-borne diseases like HIV and hepatitis to a partner during her period, and she's more likely to develop yeast or bacterial infections because the vagina's pH during menstruation is less acidic" as taken from http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/101/specialist/berman/sex-during-period.aspx ."


But of course, like I said to him us humans can manipulate facts to suit our needs... we can just pick and choose what to point out, if it strengthens our point... because the same website, does indeed say its perfectly normal to have sex during your period. Certain precautions should be taken, but then again... isn't that the case with all sex? 

http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sex-during-your-period.aspx (link courtesy of @themaholupper)

(its time to re-use this illustration, i think :P)

Anyhoo, I took to twitter, to ask what more people's opinions were on the matter. Because I was a bit surprised actually, to read the view that prohibiting sex during menstruation, was actually 'protecting' females. Now of course, everyone has their own opinion and preference... so I'd like to say that I appreciate everyone's input. In fact, without the above comment, I wouldn't have had half as much to say - so thank you!


But I'd also like to point out that there is nothing medically unsafe (religion is another thing entirely) with having sex during your period (see link above for more information). If you aren't in a monogamous long-term relationship... you should be using condoms anyway! 


Here is some of what was said;

 

And then I had a volunteer email me her own account of having intercourse during menstruation:


Clearly this is a subject many people have lots to say about. And I'm glad it came out, because this wasn't even on my list of topics to write about... it just kinda happened on its own.


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Well my boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. Our relationship was physical before any emotional attachments. But I think it's safe to say we are quite in love now. We are both each other's first sex partners although he had fooled around with oral sex in his earlier relationships.

When we are together it's quite impossible for us to keep our hands off each other. It's more of my fault actually since I use sex as validation for love. So the first time I was with him during my period we didn't hesitate to agree on having sex.

The issues I would like to point out are 1. Hygiene 2. Comfort 3. Birth control.

For hygiene we just needed some towels under my nether regions. We layered two towels with a plastic bag between them so as to prevent any stains on his bed sheet. We also had to keep tissues and a sanitary napkin nearby in case of any emergencies.

The comfort is totally dependent on the individual. Mentally if someone thinks it's gross, there's no point in doing it since what's the fun in doing something you won't enjoy? But fresh period blood does not smell bad at all. Smells kind of citrusy. I have to hand it to my boy though. He made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me. After some initial anxiety I was pretty happy.

Physical comfort for the girl can be an issue. During menstruation the cervix distends so the penis hits it harder and there is a lot more sensation. The guy here needs to he careful and adjust the speed and force of intercourse accordingly.

Recommended position would be missionary. I tried to ride him once while on my period and despite being extremely erotic and fun, it ended up in a mess of cum and blood on his pelvis.

Now because the girl is much more sensitive, condoms as a form of birth control might not be comfortable. My guy usually pulls out right before ejaculation but that might be risky as it requires practice and control. The female is said to be infertile during menstruation but there is a slight chance of pregnancy since sperm can live in the vaginal tract for upto 5 days. If someone's cycle is short and if ovulation occurs right after menstruation, there is a slight chance of fertilization. I would suggest if not done on the first day, keep some misoprostol handy.

The side effects include increase in blood flow after sex since the hormones released during an orgasm speed up the contractions of the womb causing faster expulsion of the uterine lining. My period lasts 5-6 days but if I have sex I'm done in 3-4 days.

Religiously, as far as I know, Islam condemns intercourse during menstruation.

Personally, I would recommend people to try it if they're curious and not grossed out. It can be a lot of fun since sensitivity is enhanced and if done on the first day you don't need to worry about birth control.

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Sounds like she really knows her stuff :) 'Cept one thing that I pointed out to her, and would like you to take note of  as well,  is that the withdrawal method is never reliable, because pre-ejaculate can get a person pregnant too.  


Just sayin' - You should always know what you're getting in to.....

Anyhoo, here's what the men had to say about sex & religion. Remember, dear readers - that tolerance is key - if there are views expressed here that offend you to your core, the best way to deal with that is expressing yourself in a well thought out, relevant comment.

Fahad, Male, 24 
I'm not sure that sex plays much of a role in religion aside from procreation - but I do know there are some specifics mentioned in the Quran.


Sultan, Male, 19
If you look at the view of a mainstream, conventional religious person – sex is very taboo. In religion it’s a very mechanical type thing.


Khizer, Male, 26
I think sex is a part of religion, I don’t know about other religions but in Islam it’s allowed and it’s a part of it. I don’t think it goes so deeply into kinkyness and fetishes etc but its something that is discussed, and Islam does tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, and why you should or shouldn’t … I’ve heard it tells you exactly how to do it because of why you should do it that way because it gives you a higher chance of pregnancy – missionary sex with her left leg on top of your right shoulder…or the other way… so it gets the deepest penetration.


Imad, Male, 25 
I think sex plays no role, absolutely no role in religion. Religion I think is all about restriction – more often than not – and giving yourself more things to do … more of a purpose, and restricting one of your most general desires is one of the biggest self-made purposes… so it has no role, technically.


Qasim, Male, 26

religiously, its purely seen as a way of procreating and thats it... ur supposed to have sex just so u can raise a family... have kids... religiously its not something for pleasure of excitement... its purely for the act of having a kid... ur not supposed to have sex for pleasure. 

Ali, Male, 29
In religion sex is something for which u should not be looking at grls, or using booze or anything... u just take her pants off......do it and leave her... its wrong completely......  its for mens pleasure ... it is a very concealed  act.. u should not see womens body.. it should be dark when u have sex... and i disagree with that...


NJ, 42, Male
Difficult question. Well I think except Hinduism all religions think sex is for reproduction only. In islam maybe its both repro & enjoyment. But sometimes I think why minaret is like erect penis and domes look like big boobs ! 


Bilal, 24, Male
Im not the religious type, specially with my sexuality, im not  always thinking about sex and religion at the same time. That would seriously play havoc with my head.


S.K.A., 28, Male
In a society like ours, religion plays a part in everything. Too bad that the most distorted kind of Islam is all we get. Nowhere in Islam is it forbidden to have sex as recreation (albeit between married couples). We choose to ignore that. The curse of Selective Islamism! Muslims when it comes to sex, not when it comes to basic humanitarian principles of honesty, tolerance etc.


Hamid, 24, male
Sex for most religions is something that needs to be strongly and harshly contained and regulated. Rampant sexuality in a society has many ill consequences, and especially if we imagine the situation in the pre-scientific era when there was no such thing as ‘safe sex’ and there was practically no prevention against pregnancy and STDs, and the society was extremely misogynistic. There was some grain of wisdom in that religions tried to suppress and thwart the sexual impulse to avoid those evils, but I think these attempts were not successful and created many negative consequences of their own.


Arsalan, 20, Male
Well, Islam lays down strict injunctions about the subject, so yeah, sex does play a role in religion. I have studied about Islam a lot, and the fact that mystifies me is that while our religion lays down punsihments as extreme as  stoning for adultery, it doesn’t lay down any law about rape. Also, we have accounts of the prophet Muhammad taking sex-slaves as wives. A princess whose father, husband and entire tribe has been murdered, wouldn’t consent to sex with the man who perpetrated these acts willingly, would she?
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Oh - and if u aren't the easily scandalized type - do go ahead and add me on Facebook

Brown girls shouldn't have brown Vaginas

So last time I finished up on a positive note, feeling warm and fuzzy about the fact that there are some great, non judgemental Pakistani men out there. Enlightened was even a word I had used. But you know, who am I kidding here…these types are not the norm. Hypocrite, and sexist dbag are words better suited to describe the average (straight) male-supremacist desi dude. The entire society is set up to create them that way, with this sense of entitlement....especially in regards to women. Culture and religion endorse it.

They can be judgemental in ways I hadn’t even fathomed possible. Just the existence of products such as this is testament to that:



What. The. Fuck. No, really... What. The. Actual. Fuck. Why on earth does the already sick desi obsession with being *fair* outdo itself yet again and transcend to a whole other disgusting level? Why? Why do we need to bleach our genitals to satisfy some ridiculous brown male fantasy of wanting a white vagina? That can't be safe.

White porn, is 'the standard' I guess....where a lot of young south Asian men learn about sex, sadly their logic can't extend to understanding that brown women will not look like the white women in porn. And ffs, most women of any race, don't look like women from porn.

Just like penises, vaginas come in all shapes, sizes and colours. If you expect a dark skinned girl to have a pale lady bits...you're out of your mind, just a little bit.

I recently had a discussion with someone who brought up how he had had a conversation about the colour of desi (south Asian) vaginas with other brown guys. He was pretty mortified by what he heard as well. He’s been nice enough to write an account of that evening for this post, pretty shocking to say the least:

A few months ago I was sitting with a bunch of men in a gathering where alcohol was in abundance and conversational restraint in dearth, so the topics naturally revolved around sex, and eventually, what was the best sex they had ever had. Descriptions of ideal sexual partners invariably involved skin tones and complexions and one such description produced a remark that would spark a curious discussion that is to be the basis of this write-up; said a middle-aged man with two wives and a legion of mistresses, ‘no matter how fair skinned a desi woman is, her vagina and nipples are always dark’.

This sweeping statement, which I can tell you from personal experience is factually incorrect, was met unanimously with agreement and approval.

From here on the conversation became exclusively about the colour of female genitalia. Many of the men sitting there were frequent visitors to brothels, and frequent visitors to foreign countries and, predictably, brothels in foreign countries. They also had wives, girlfriends and professed to engage in casual sex without monetary transaction as well.

Turn by turn they related their own stories of the darkest and fairest genitalia they’d come across. As skin colour is also deeply embedded with class and social stature, the most denigrating remarks were for the dark skinned sex workers or servant girls with whom they’d had sexual encounters.

Accusations of lack of cleanliness, hygiene and health were abundant. That they did not like performing oral on somebody with dark vaginas and nipples. The ideal colour was pink; it was repeatedly said that foreign men were ‘lucky’ to have convenient access to it, that the colour somehow made all the difference when it came to oral sex, and that generally their most pleasurable sexual encounters were associated with that colour.

‘The best sex we’ve had’ inevitably involved mentions of the pinkest labia or areolas; they were considered aesthetically more pleasing and therefore more arousing, and arousal played a key part in eventual satisfaction.

Two or three of them deemed that lighter skin around the breast and crotch areas was a sign of sexual health and that they were more suspicious of contracting diseases from darker coloured organs.

(lol if this was true, *all* light-skinned people would be STD free, and that is really really not the case. Idiots.)

One man said that, ‘darker vaginas tend to smell, and taste rotten’. This was a guy who’d never been with a ‘light’ genitalled woman, and was basing this opinion on his experience with pornography; that white men readily seemed to perform oral on fair genitalled women, whereas for him it was an ‘unpleasant’ activity.

(well clearly, you can always tell how a woman’s vagina smells by watching her in a porn video, And you almost never smell anything foul coming from the TV... so you can safely conclude that their vaginas don’t have a smell at all. Can’t argue with such airtight logic. What an intelligent fellow.)

Now I’m going to wager here that performing oral sex, on either gender, by either gender, is not everyone’s cup of tea (sorry if that ruined your evening tea) anyway. Or maybe he just wasn’t doing it right. But it’s curious that instead of exploring his own sexual interests and limitations he would blame, as seems the norm, the woman instead. In this case, the colour and constitution of her genitalia. That had it been more pink his experience would’ve been better somehow.

Another man said that darker vaginas were relatively ‘loose’. Of course the male fascination with vaginal tightness is nothing new, nor even culture specific, and requires an entirely different debate altogether. But this was just another example of attributing a perceived negativity about sexual organs to their colour. ‘Loose’ was his exact phrase, he didn’t even use an Urdu word. He said it quite confidently and when queried by me he could not qualify his statement, beyond saying that ‘they are’ and ‘ask anyone who’s been inside a fairer one’.


(by now, the level of stupidity has crossed every limit that my mind could’ve possibly imagined - However the upcoming sentence sums it up best)

At this point I considered it a small wonder that dark skinned vaginas weren’t held responsible for the rise in oil prices and power outages.

Of course, these highly sexually active men were also going around making snap judgments and generalizations partly out of necessity of habit; given their promiscuity and that they view sex as gratification only, not performance; they don’t have ‘partners’, they have outlets or victims or means to phallic relief.

(And sadly, the writer of this piece has captured the very essence of how too many desi men view sex...it’s a heartbreaking reality. Our cultures don't even recognize that marital rape is a thing, consent is not a concept stressed upon. Women suffer the most of course, but I imagine that something is taken away from the quality of such men’s lives as well. They will never truly know the joy of making love to a partner and not an object of sexual gratification. It must get lonely. But even sadder is the fact that they might be too stupid to realize it.)

So the sexual experience of the woman does not matter, and where one would rationally think that inexperience would actually lead to less pleasurable intercourse, they are firm in their belief that inexperience means tighter vaginal muscles and exponentially more pleasure.

Hence they say things like ‘a thin back means she’ll be tighter down there’. Or ‘thick arms and hands imply wider, unpleasurable vaginas’.


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Well. That was fascinating, disgusting and sad, all at the same time. A rare glimpse for us into the types of conversation that (brown) guys can have when no women are around. Thank you for that.

This conversation definitely sparked a lot of interest on twitter too, here are some interesting things people had to say;

Omair Zeeshan: illogical though. Darker skin has more evolutionary benefits. Should be hardwired to prefer

sharabi kababi‏: Let's face it (heh!!), no one's really examining vags, most of us are just happy to get it in :)

pathipen: Maybe I "knew" men who were more open minded.

Smacula: I think we are all to blame. Porn sets up unreal standards. We like unreal standards. We see real and scorn>>

Smacula: << in that way, porn is much like aunties. Who show off their unreal kids, and set unreal standards. #sorryButHadTo

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I will stress again, that our country is in desperate need of sex ed. We’ve seen what can happen when pornography is a person’s only source of ‘sexual education’ … it makes me sick to my core.

It's time to make sure we raise our sons to be decent men.

If the kinds of thoughts we’ve been discussing in this post seem at all familiar to you, or you see nothing wrong with them, you’re obviously an ignorant asshole. But I suppose it's a start you're here, reading this.

If after reading this you still think having such thoughts are ok, go lock yourself in your room...and don’t come out till you can shine your brown dick to gleaming white or a rosy pink. Just sayin’ ;)