Monday, December 30, 2013

Fan Mail - A Glimpse

Hearing nonsensical shit from the people of my motherland is nothing new to me, comes with the territory of being a Pakistani WOMAN writing a sex blog. Please see the gems I have compiled below to get a glimpse of why I think its so important to change this mentality:

This 'lady mango' is only writing about the stuff I come across... I am not actively trying to destroy the reputation of the country. The country does that without my help quite well :) 


Hmm, I'm not the one humiliating/insulting pakistan (or Pakistanese) with the constant stories of rape, misogyny, child abuse, bomb blasts, etc...Sadly many prefer we remain silent about these issues rather than draw attention to them. They would rather keep their 'honour' intact than make any real change. FUCK HONOUR I say. 

And really how could I understand why Pakistanis kill, rape and abduct their own people... because... I mean you could only understand that if you lived there. Because if you live there.. its totally understandable. However I feel I should mention I have lived there for a few years, and did not kill, rape or abduct a single person. But thats prolly cuz I'm so influenced by immoral Western values. 

Ah yes, the glorious attention that you all shower me with. I mean you've seen the fan mail... who wouldn't want some of that? 

I especially love it when we can't take responsibility for whats wrong with we highlight the wrongs elsewhere in world. In pakistani math, you see.... two wrongs DO make a right. 

Haha heres a note from someone who found me 'worthy' enough to share some shit they wrote, despite all my handicaps that they were so kind to point out. 

Ah just another lovely message telling me to die...and then shut the fuck up. Rather redundant I know. Im also extremely curious about wtf they think I've copied or plagiarized. They failed to have mentioned that - convenient ;) 

Here's another bit of fan mail, implying that I have pinpointed the whereabouts of the majority of pakistani population. Funnily, this has never been a subject I've discussed.                               

Sometimes I'm an Indian (or Western) spy :) 

OMFG some Pakistani man thinks I'm "Smart enough" to lie about the bizarre shit I write about. Me?!! But... I'm just a ...woman... 


And there are those who just say sweet things for no reason at all, or perhaps to give me a religious cautioning, because lets face it there will come a day where my breast will not 'look so much fun' and then maybe someday the other one will also not look so much fun... 


And those who understand women so well.....

Oh.. no offence taken at all... who'd take offence to something like that? 


Those who try to censor my work and fail.... those are the best. Especially the guy who was going to start a parallel blog called Nice MangoEs...still waiting. 

There are also those who give better advice than I could ever give, regarding some of the filthy things I write about.... like ... cunnilingus and women's pleasure generally. Gross. 

Here is a very excellent comparison of bestiality and premarital sex, because lets face it folks - they're pretty much the same thing. 

However, nothing gives me as much joy as the pure nonsense... stuff that can barely be deciphered. 

And for every 10 horrid comments... I get one that truly makes this abuse kind of worth it :) 

Some times I feel jaded, and wonder if I should quit tho.... especially when I see the number of hits certain posts are getting vs. the silence around them, i can see hundreds and even thousands of you are looking - but If you don't share, comment or help spread the word.. we can never change this bleak reality.

I was recently speaking to a male reader who was telling me that my tone has become a little angry and bitter lately. Perhaps the above glimpse into my interactions with Pakistani men might give you a insight into why I may get a tad angry at the slightest hint of sexism or misogyny.

Have a wonderful New Years Eve...and drive safe. Lets hope for a less ludicrous Pakistan next year.


Saturday, December 28, 2013

"...Losing my virginity to a guy who called me fat..."

Here is part of a conversation between myself and a reader, who told me that her first time was awful, it didn't work as smoothly as the movies - as it often doesn't - and the guy blamed it on her weight. Fucking douchebag had to find something about her to blame. 

*      *      *      *      *

me: Ok so firstly I wanted to ask you about something you mentioned earlier
you had said you were 'fat' and the guy u first had sex with was skinny.

Her:  yes

me:  Now i looked at your picture and you are really not what i would call 'fat'

Her: Thank you, that's very kind of you.

me:  if you were to have any sex-related problems from being overweight I would think it'd have to be a substantial weight issue, granted i cannot see your whole body, but im guessing if you were morbidly obese to a point where it was affecting your quality of life i would be able to tell from seeing your upper half. The fact that you would refer to yourself as 'fat' is indicative of a much larger problem in the society.

 Her:  It is

 me:  a lack of acceptance or tolerance for anything outside of the ideal

Her:  You have no idea how much my parents are always on my case to lose weight

me:  i mean how far are u from your ideal weight? 20lbs? 30lbs?
if its more than that than perhaps it is affecting your 
health... but if not, I dont see why its made an issue.

Her:  Well 30lbs
I do try to lead an active lifestyle
every day after work
I go to gym to work out
or for a swim

me:  all that is excellent. But I am not here to judge you for your lifestyle or your weight. My point in bringing that up was how intolerant ppl must have been for you to perceive it as such an issue.

Her:  Oh I know that
It's difficult, to be honest

 me: and for a guy to blame difficult first time sex on your weight, I would have imagined it to be a more significant weight problem like 50 lbs or more.

Her:  well the guy was a jerk
he later tried to blackmail me

me:  that is my point. People are so intolerant.... i have felt that in Pakistan too. I have almost always looked different from the preferred norm... perhaps it was piercings, clothing, hairdye, accent, who knows... but i have never been accepted.

blackmail you? How?

Her:  You're right when I went to England in Summer for work it was the only time I realized I'm not as big. I felt comfortable in whatever I wore and nobody would stare at me. It was the first time in years that I felt comfortable with my body size.

Oh that. Do you wanna know the whole story of why I opted for this jerk
in the first place?

 me:  sure

yes and I feel a lot more accepted outside of pakistan too .... I am allowed to be who i am
without anyone staring or judging me as imperfect. I completely get it. This is why i hate going to family daawats because its a little slice of pakistan where i get judged still - especially if i'm not dressed conservatively enough.

my grandmother always told me not to stand in the sun because no one would marry me if i was too dark... do you know what that can do to a kids self esteem,,,,, first of all telling them u are no one if you are not married...


Her:  Indeed. I'm actually agnostic, the society made me realize it's full of shit. My family doesn't know that I'm one, all they see is that I'm not religious. They would be extremely unhappy if they ever found out

I know the feeling
My mother thinks my life would be complete if I marry
I'm 29
have a career
and I do wanna marry but with the person i feel comfortable with
not someone who still can't move without mommy

me:  we cannot possibly fit into the tiny mould they want us to. Its not humanly possible

Her:  Agreed!

 me:  so what was this about blackmail then?

Her:  well
it all started when I was 26 years old
I was going through a break up and I really loved my ex
and we were mostly in a long distance relationship
we would hang out when he would come to town but when he finally moved back he broke it off with me. I was still a virgin then.
So after couple of months I started talking to this guy
who knew my ex  - and I  had known this guy from school and he was always a jerk
I was mourning and he was the guy visiting town and had joints to share
so I met him twice
he gave me joints which resulted with me getting stoned and having crazy phone sex with him the same night
then I thought why am I still a virgin?
Men in Pak are already sexually active so why should I save myself for a guy who most probably won't be a virgin
Basically I was trying everything out there to help me numb my heartbreak
So I saw this guy who would bang anything that walks so I said why don't we have sex
He did asked me if I was sure and ready for it so I said 'Yeah!'
so we finally met at his house

 me:  hold up.

her:  sure

me:  From your picture, i can see you're an attractive girl, and anyone should be able to value themselves that much really. why THE FUCK would you place yourself on a rank where you'd need a guy that 'would bang anything'?

Her: Because everybody says your first time has to be special
and since I was still tormented from my break up I was afraid for falling for another guy
so I chose an asshole who would get the job done and I won't even have to develop any feeling for him plus he was working and studying in England so it seemed convenient to hook up with someone who would shortly leave the country.

So that's why I did it.

me:  seems like there was a bit of self hate in there, rooted in a lack of self worth.  Which comes from not being valued.
correct me if im wrong

Her:  All this time I tried joints, booze and tried sex to help me forget my ex. I was betrayed by him and I didn't realized it over the years until today
that I was torturing myself
Yes, you're right
I took a stand for my ex in my house
but when he left me in the middle, I was the idiot left behind to face  the music and was being told 'I told you so'

me:  they make you feel like you cannot make major life decisions for yourself... and that is so very harmful

her:  and I believe this is how I dealt with it

 me: I'm sorry you had to go through all that instead of getting love and support.

Her:  yes
but surprisingly
all the courage I did get was from my boss
she just hired me few weeks before my break up
shes a strong woman
a feminist
she somehow encouraged me to give my 100%
and then I saw myself doing great.
Within 6 months I was promoted from a coordinator to the person running a department
but losing my virginity to a guy who called me fat...


and after hardly 5 mins when he lost his erection
and couldn't get in
asked me to get dressed so he can drop me
because he had to take his sis somewhere. I was quiet during the drive
and for days
good thing I smoked up a bit before he broke my hymen
so somehow it made me numb to his hurtful words

I would actually shudder at the thought of having sex
I thought I would never do it again
this thing did not only sting me, it scarred me too

me:  Im sure .... these kinds of things stay with you
and possibly affect how u are in future relationships

Her:  They do

because when I asked skinny bastard then after that nightmarish episode
that had he not slept with a virgin before, do you know what he answered?
He said yes, but she wasn't as big as you
two blows in less than 10 mins
enough to haunt me for 6 months

Her:  I still remember the drive back home, he kept telling me how great he is in bed and what happened between us had never happened before
instead of being considerate or asking if i was in pain
it was all about him

me:  i hope you dont talk to 'skinny bastard' anymore

Her:  I don't
i chalked him out of my life as soon as he left which was 3 days after he broke my hymen
he though however sent me a text that he's in town

me:  fucking fuckwad. Did not deserve you.

Her: I was surprised during this time why would he look me up
I was bad in bed for him.

 me:  and this was the blackmail u referred to earlier? He just kind of kept wanting to meet you and u were too afraid to say no cuz he knew ur ex?

I was afraid he would do that
but he tried to do something much far low
you see
He sent me an FB message saying
that if I don't meet him till next evening
he would go to my brother and tell him his lil sis has been whoring out
now Eiynah I had never been blackmailed in my life! So I freaked out
but for some smart moment I didn't responded
which pissed him off more to send me another blackmailing message
which actually led me to think it was his word against mine

so I didn't responded, he thought i would be an idiot and come running back to him
but I didn't
i chose to ignore him
blocked him on my phone
on social media
and whatsapp

 me:  and what the fuck is wrong with this dude

Her:  this is to give you an idea how sexually frustrated some men are in our society
they are willing to blackmail for sex
with a person they didn't even fucked in the first place
or even enjoyed it
and he also knew he was full of bullshit
he never approached my bro or my family

me:  i was trying to figure out what his motive was for blackmailing you... esp when he clearly indicated he wasnt into you...
but he was doing this to have sex with you again? 
A girl he deemed not good enough in the first place?
wow what a fucker.

Her:  precisely!

 me:  holy shit.
so glad u didnt fall for his blackmailing.

hopefully you wont hate any specific body type because of your experience
but anyhoo
lets talk about your other concern
you think you have never had an orgasm before?

Her:  yes I haven't

 me:  but you masturbate, yes?
so to what end?

Her:  Of course I do

 me:  what makes you decide to stop
if you are not aiming for an orgasm?

Her:  I want to have an orgasm
but I feel I can't drive myself to having an orgasm on my own
I get extremely wet when I'm turned on
esp during foreplays
which is why Im ready to take a guy in when it's time
but no matter how I cum
it's definitely not orgasm
I didn't experienced the peak.. the height
of pleasure washing over me
I always blamed that sensation as the act of peeing
I didn't even realized all this time that I wasn't even having an orgasm
i thought I was having it
but truth be told I haven't
I get extremely wet
and I discharge
so I guess the guys did thought I had an orgasm
i thought I had it too
but according to what you say I have weak orgasms

 me:  well what were you defining as an orgasm
and what changed your perception

 Her:  if i had orgasm

i'm sure i wont be up in 5 mins aiming for round 2
I thought getting wet an discharge is an orgasm
obviously people over here don't talk about sex openly
And only 2 of my closest friends knew I was having sex
but I never had someone explain me what an orgasm is
After watching one episode of Californication
I realized what an orgasm was
and i was peeing that out after sex
not while having it
I felt like a moron

me:  ok a couple of things;
women can experience multiple orgasms! so you could be ready for another one fairly quickly
second.... don't base your understanding of an orgasm on 
a hollywood show
tv is exaggerated on purpose

and getting wet is just your body's way of lubricating itself... its not an orgasm in itself, but definitely makes achieving orgasm easier. 

Her:  You're right

but it finally made sense why i had to go pee during sex
i mean i wouldn't be drinking water or actually went to bathroom before sex

 me:  i have heard of other women having that sensation.... often in relation to the elusive g-spot, g-zone or whatever they r choosing to call it nowadays (but like i say over and over, I am not a qualified sex expert!)

Her:  hahaha
that's new to me
Yes though I'm really scared what if I actually pee
that would be so embarrassing
I'm uptight even at the thought of it

me:  you know what... try it [masturbation] when you're alone
do it in the bathroom or something....
so if u have to pee... u can pee
sit on the toilet

 Her:  hmmm
that makes sense

 me:  have u ever tried using sex toy?
vibrator? shower massage setting?

 Her:  Hahahaa no
I have no access to those toys

 me:  surely u have a shower?

 Her:  I know of a place that sells vibrators though

oh i was about to say
Yes I tried that briefly
because I read about it
it actually felt good

 me: but didnt get you to orgasm?

 Her:  Like I said I tried it briefly
i got confused and stopped.

you have been extremely helpful and suggestive in your advices
thank you so much!

 me:  thank you so much
thank you for opening up and sharing
because if people do not begin this conversation
it will continue to fester inside
and so many questions will remain unanswered
for fear of being judged

 Her:  true

 me:  its important that we speak out.

Her:  and I'm glad you have provided that forum
more power to you
thank you for listening to me
and all the best

 me:  so lets just revisit the main points before i go so we have it all clear
 a) you are a beautiful woman. dont let any asshole tell you otherwise. ppl come in all shapes and sizes. If its not a health concern, your weight/shape/size is not a big issue.

b) a lesson learned is to be wary and careful of assholes trying to blackmail you into sexual favours

c) so you definitely feel you havent had any orgasms? or that u have just had weak ones?

 Her:  weak ones for sure
but not the real deal

 me:  remember when referring to the real deal - dont compare it 
to hollywood
but do try to go past the pee sensation

 Her:  ok

me:  let me know how that goes... I think trying with the shower might be an option if u dont have access to vibrators
so work on that and let me know how it goes
then we can write a full version of ur story

 Her:  I'll let you know 

me:  also when i do write it, is there anything u dont want me to include from our conversation?
I would like to write about the 'skinny bastard' as u call him
and the blackmail if ur ok with that

 Her: please do write about him
I want girls to be careful
of such freaks out there
and their sick pleasures for having power over women
just change my name
and you can write my story word to word
no issue

Her:  sadly blackmailing culture is very common here
i was lucky i didn't got sucked in
others aren't so lucky
some poor girls get blackmailed into giving sexual pleasures to more than one man against her will
because one of the guys had filmed her or something
and then scare them into submission in the name of honour

Image from:

me:  and this is why i would stress the importance of not getting photographed or filmed in an intimate situation unless you have been in a very long term committed relationship.. that you can trust wont end bitterly- i mean u can never really know... but at least have it be a long term relationship if u want to take photos that could compromise u in the future

Her:  true
thankfully I have never been filmed or photographed

me:  good.... keep it that way... till you're ready!

 Her:  I will
thank you for today oh lovely lady
I'll let you know about my orgasm soon

 me:  ur welcome!  good luck!
see ya!


UPDATE:  So she has still not achieved full success in the orgasm department, but feels there is a mental block, sadly she has connected this to multiple accounts of childhood sexual abuse that she had repressed till she was a teenager, which I am heartbroken to hear...

Please, please educate and inform your children, younger siblings about predators... and most importantly stay vigilant. Never brush off a child who comes to you with reports that sound like sexual abuse. Kids do not make this shit up. And this is stuff they carry with them forever. Please...lets do our part to lessen the curse of child abuse that is so rampant in our society. 

There are no specific laws to even prosecute pedophiles in Pakistan. But lets try to change that. If you have a moment, please sign the petition here, the least we can do is try to spread awareness. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


I so often hear comments on my topless boobful drawings from brown guys.... things like,

"Her breasts don't look accurate because brown women's breasts are never that perky"

"Brown women never have nipples like that"

or I've even once heard

"Brown women never have nice breasts"

I mean WHAT. THE. FUCK. Breasts come in all kinds, regardless of geographical fucking location.

I don't ever hear judgements on how brown penises are worse than other international penises. Why do some men have to be such assholes? Because they were fucking raised to be. Misogyny is part of the package that comes with our colourful culture. The problem is, we refuse to acknowledge it and change. Its not always men either. Some of the worst misogynists I have come across are other Pakistani women... who have told me how women should sit, how they should behave... and where their place in the world is. They have told me what I can and cannot wear, obviously I have disregarded it all (for those who aren't regular readers, I assure you I am a woman myself (happily married) and not just trying to get boob pics for stroke material).

Now I ask you Pakistani women, and other women and men who wish to assist me in my goals of increased equality in Pakistan to support me in my upcoming art project. I know, its a stretch....I don't know how many will want to participate...and I don't blame you, we live in a culture of fear. Especially as women, we barely have the freedom to walk down the street by ourselves in a country like ours, let alone show ownership over our own body parts. If you feel you cannot participate, at least support by sharing the FUCK out of it, all over your social media.

I will let the pictures speak for themselves (please click to enlarge and read text) :

1) No faces at all. I don't want you identified.

2) Remember to include a sentence or two about discrimination you have faced.

3) SHARE on your social media

4) All participants must be 18 years of age or older

5) Submissions from trans women are welcome!

6) send all emails to nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom  

7) Do not worry about your anonymity, I have never in the history of my blog compromised anyones identity... please take a look around to see what kinds of things people have shared with me. I will put pics up in a random order after I have received a fair amount.

8) the above are just samples - made from googled images.


yes there might be pervs excited by the idea of this. But i refuse to live in fear of sex hungry pervs desperate to catch a glimpse of bare skin.

obviously there will be some people pissed off by the very idea. How boring would it be if there weren't?

Now lets get some diverse breasts out there ladies!


UPDATE: some awesome submissions have started coming in. I am truly truly grateful for you participation. Lets pick up the pace ladies, this is going to be infuckingcredible.... and I cannot do it without you. 


SECOND UPDATE: You can view the launched project here!!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Pakistan: The Heterosexual Nation

Inspired by other flag mashups I saw on the interwebs. 

Hey Eiynah,

This is Jawaad - A 21 years old university student. I've been following your blog for about a month or so and I found it really interesting. Firstly, I would like to tell you straight away that I'm a heterosexual male and by saying this I don't mean to disrespect homo/bisexuals. I just said it so you wouldn't make any presumptions on my sexual orientation. LOL.

Any ways, I've read a lot on the internet and heard this from a lot of people that from every 100 men, 5-10 are usually gays. I usually see a lot of western TV shows, Movies and in them you can see from a group of 10 friends usually 1 turns out to be a gay.

So right to the topic, I personally have a very large friends circle (male/female both) but i've never come across any one who claimed *not* to be a hetero. Usually in Pakistan, whenever a male starts to earn, everyone in his family considers for him to marry. I mean like its all natural, no one could just change their sexual orientation. Its just the way we are created. And if the above statistics are somewhat legit, we see that EVERY man in our society marries a WOMAN once he is capable of supporting his life partner. I mean, what if the guy turns out to be a gay? Does he suppresses his feelings and is too shy/afraid to admit even to himself that he is a gay? I have a friend, who was my school mate and when we were in our teens and discovered about this SEX thing and PORN we used to talk about it a lot in school like every other person. We were really good friends back then, and we used to visit each other's houses alot. Once i went to his house and just checked his porn collection on his computer and i was really surprised to see that he also had a collection of men fucking men videos other than the normal pornography. I was literally shocked to see this and when i confronted him he just kind of admitted that he is actually bisexual and turned the subject. You might be considering what actually is the point of all this fuss i just wrote but honestly, it just keeps bugging me sometimes. I mean, why people are too afraid here, what's causing them to not admit it or maybe every male in Pakistan is heterosexual which is not true obviously. Any thoughts?

Oh....well.....I have a lot of thoughts on this matter, Firstly; there is no such thing as 'normal pornography' - there isn't much normal/average sex in straight porn either. Porn is a big show, gay or straight....And secondly; the demographics of sexuality have always been difficult to pinpoint exactly. Sexuality is fluid, and labels can be too vague or not entirely accurate for people to identify with. That is, just because someone is attracted to the same sex on occasion, doesn't necessarily mean they identify as gay. The usual 10% estimate might actually be higher depending on whats included in your definition of 'gay' - does it mean someone who has had a gay experience? (If thats the case, believe me Pakistan's percentages would soar!) 

Does your definition include only those who 'openly' identify as gay? And in that case, how does one account for the reasons they might have to remain in the closet - such as; homophobia, religious intolerance, persecution, family pressure, no resources or system of support, etc. 

Jawaad, Pakistan is simply not a very gay-friendly country. People that don't fit the mould are often punished, severely. Why would they come out of the closet in such an environment? Where they can be harassed and abused, both mentally, physically - where they could potentially be killed... So I hope this answers your question of, 

"I mean, why people are too afraid here, what's causing them to not admit it"

Such factors should always be considered when you wonder why there just aren't that many gay people in Pakistan. 

They are there, but just not open about it. In our culture, young people are sadly still not given much independence regarding major decisions in their lives. Others decide who they will marry, when they will marry, when they will lose their virginity, etc. This is why, gay men in Pakistan often marry women, because that is simply what is expected of them, and there is no feasible alternative....without the fear of discovery. I assume this addresses the part in your email where you ask,

"we see that EVERY man in our society marries a WOMAN once he is capable of supporting his life partner."

"I mean, what if the guy turns out to be a gay? Does he suppresses his feelings and is to shy/afraid to admit even to himself that he is a gay?"

Its very sad for both parties in this situation, but especially the one who has no knowledge about their partner's orientation. I find that to be one of the saddest deceptions ever. Often in these situations, a gay husband is free to sleep around with whoever he pleases, because he still does have the male privilege that comes with owning a penis in our culture. No denying that. "Men will be men, they have high sex drives, and shouldn't really be held accountable if they have extramarital sex. Must be something the wife is not doing right, perhaps she is unable to satisfy him..." < ------ these, fawaad, are often things said when such a situation becomes public. I have heard them being said more than once about wives who's husbands just happened to be gay, through no fault of their own. 

I have not heard many stories of gay women marrying and having same-sex affairs with women. Though I'm sure it does happen. Equally sad, and equally deceptive, but sometimes in our intolerant culture there truly is no option. If there is an option to stay unmarried, I would recommend that for sure. 

But to answer your question, yes, they must have to suppress their feelings, and go through with a life changing decision they have no control over. I would say the word 'afraid' is more accurate than 'shy' - there is fear of losing loved ones; friends, family.... there is fear of persecution, harassment, shaming the family etc....all these fears, that should not be a part of our world in this day and age of science. Where we know variety in sexual orientation is a perfectly natural occurrence and not some symbol of a curse or whatever other ridiculous shit people say. 

I was in fact recently speaking with a desi gay man I know, who is 'out' to his family, and is very confident in who he is.... but even his family is 'praying' for his conversion to hetero-ness. Clinging to the hope that he might marry a woman some day. I just don't get it. Pakistanis often have trouble accepting things different from 'the norm'. 

We really must evolve past our witch-hunting phase. We witch-hunt all types of people.... in the 21st century. We have to sign a bloody declaration of idiocy on our passports, that should tell you something about our levels of tolerance.

1. I am a Muslim and believe in the absolute and unqualified finality of the Prophethood of Muhammad the last of the Prophets.
2. I do not recognize any one who claims to be a prophet in any sense of the word or any description whatsoever, after Prophet Muhammad or recognize such a claimant as a prophet or a religious reformer as Muslim.
3. I consider Mirza Ghulam Ahmad Qadiani to be an impostor prophet and an infidel and also consider his followers whether belonging to the Lahori, Qadiani or Mirzai groups, to be non-Muslims.

----For any non-Pakistanis reading this, yes...this is a real thing we have to sign before we can get a Pakistani passport. We have to denounce Ahmadi Muslims and call them 'imposters'. Just a little glimpse into our state sanctioned discrimination of minorities. Imagine what Pakistani Ahmadi Muslims feel, when signing this...just to get a passport. :( -----

Now, back to your story Jawaad, you were shocked by the discovery of gay porn on your friends computer. Ok.

I can understand the shock if you have never been exposed to different sexual orientations before. But really, its not that shocking.... people should be allowed to be attracted to and jerk off to whoever they like - as long as both parties involved are consenting adults, and no one is being forced to do something they are not comfortable with, then what does it matter what kind of porn he watches? Hopefully it will not change your friendship. I'm sure he felt uncomfortable too, acknowledging something that is so frowned upon in Pakistani society. Kudos to your friend for having the balls to admit it. 

I hope this clarifies some things for you. And thank you so much for addressing this topic. I'm sure so many people wonder the same things... but don't want to ask. 


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

White People Objectify Me....

and so do brown people, black people, mediterranean people, men, women...

Its what humans do unfortunately. 

In my life experience, I've had more than my fair share of objectification. For several reasons;

a) I'm a woman
b) I'm a person of colour
c) for much of my young adult life I had very visible subcultural affiliations. 

And it really pisses me off when people use their race or even gender to constantly point out differences, to highlight the 'Us VS. Them'. If you are experiencing discrimination based on these things, never hold back. Call people on their prejudices. But if you are not experiencing discrimination based on something, there is no need to incessantly, irrelevantly bring it up in every situation.

I had the pleasure of conversing with someone recently who was advocating 'precautionary measures' against being objectified and exoticized. Basically, you're a person of colour-- you can never be in a genuine relationship with a 'white person', because they are the oppressor, they are out to culturally appropriate and exoticize you. You must question the intention of every white person that wants to have a friendship/relationship with you (sounds a lot like the strain of radical feminism that thinks you can't consent to sex with a man if you're a woman...because he's automatically the oppressor).

When I protested this idiotic paranoid assumption for what it is, I got whacked with a 'well you clearly know nothing about your culture or your identity, and you must be one of those people who are thankful/grateful living under the service of their white overlords'.

Though I was thankful for this valuable insight into my own ignorance, I had to come to terms with the fact that I did not have any "white overlords". 

Listen, we were once oppressed and often still are (in a less colonizy way) by 'white countries' - I get it. And I demand that sensitivity from the people around me. No you cannot make fun of the poverty in my motherland, no you cannot make jokes about colonization or how all brown people are cab drivers, no, brownface/blackface is NEVER ok, there are some things that are obviously racist, and there are somethings that are less obviously racist...sure...But beyond that, I am not going to live in hatred and fear the fact that any white person talking to me might be out to oppress me. Because let's face it, that's ludicrous.

(And neither am I that easily oppressed.) 

Sure there are racists out there, plenty of 'em. But you'll probably know one when you meet one. And sure there are people who will fetishize and exoticize other people based on difference. 

I used to believe there was no 'reverse racism', because racism had to be systemic, rooted in power dynamics to be considered 'racism'. Oh how wrong I was...The more of this toxic brand of anti-racist activism I see, the more convinced I am that racism isn't just rooted in power at all. Of course systemic racism is a much larger issue...but I see prejudice and discrimination based on race coming from minorities all the time. What else would you call that, if not racism?

Being prejudiced against someone for something they have no control over... like 'race', is pretty shitty, even without the historical context of colonization/mass oppression. 

Someone on Twitter pointed me to a related article called 'Why I don't Sleep with White Men' -- I'm going to be honest. It annoyed me...a lot. This woman describes Toronto as a predominantly white and male place (Which is really not so true in my observation, but people do have different realities just from one street to the next - and the douchey crack-a-lackin' image of our mayor may lead you to believe Toronto is a crappy place, but really, it is multicultural in all the right ways, diverse and quite lovely - at least I think so). She talks about her experiences of constantly being exoticized by white men, so they could experience what it was like to sleep with a black woman. Now I'm not saying this never happens, but to have a rule like, you will not sleep with white men because they will only want you for your skin colour is pretty offensive.  No, I'm not just saying that to please my white overlords. Sigh. Its your body, do what you want with it, sleep with who you want (everybody has physical preferences), but just try not to make sweeping generalizations based on skin colour/race. If you're consciously making a decision that you'll avoid men of a certain colour...because you assume they will posses a certain characteristic, you're racist.


When I was at the peak of my piss-off-my-parents era, I got pigeonholed by all sorts. When you take away the obvious physical markers of your ethnicity, it leaves everyone confused. Even people of your own ethnicity. You couldn't tell my race by my hair colour thats for sure, because it was every colour of the rainbow during that period of my life. Sometimes it'd be pink, purple and threw people off... that as well as the loads of black eye shadow, the spikes, black lipstick.... what I found was, that people were always asking me what my background was. And I look pretty averagely desi (south asian) in my features I'd say.  But I was so often asked that question that I got sick of answering it. I asked people to guess... they guessed all sorts of things, Iranian, Greek, Italian were most common. I was most bothered by the constant need that everyone had to know.... and it dawned on me, that it was because I had gotten rid of the common physical traits people can box other people with. I used to walk past the group of desis that hung out by the wall in the foodcourt and they would whisper things about me in my own fucking language. Obviously not knowing I'd understand. This 'not knowing who' or where I was from got so extreme, that once in the darkness of the predominantly white goth club I used to frequent - I was being hit on by a neo-nazi. I didn't know he was one, till some of my friends came to me and quietly asked if i was aware he was a white supremacist.  :O 

he probably (obviously) didn't realise I wasn't white. I had a little fun, made him buy me drinks...then told him to fuck off. But generally my experience in that predominantly white subculture was very warm and welcoming. I wasn't treated like some freakshow novelty coloured goth person at all. 

I was young and overly angsty and had a ridiculous need to wear my expression on my body. When I got sick of being probed about my background I evolved my look to have elements of my culture in it. Alongside my bondage collars, spikes and corsets I wore some hardcore Pakistani jewellery. And a bindi. Always, a black, evil looking one (yes I know its not Pakistani, but we were all Indian once upon a time, and I grew up looking at pretty pictures of my mother wearing bindis in the 70's). Was I trying to exoticize/objectify and orientalize myself? I think not. I was trying to find a way to express cultural diversity within my chosen subculture.

Of course there were always the random men who saw me as a conquest because I was different. Both brown men and white men. Interestingly enough, never black men.  When I was gothed out in my youth... black men* never even glanced at me. Brown men glanced at me with fear or disapproval, or with a gross pervy look as if i was something unique yet familiar. Something they would never want to take home to mommy, but something they wanted to explore. 

*oddly though when I started dressing less extreme and less 'goth' I was often checked out by black guys. Such a noticeable difference. Were they now objectifying me? Perhaps. Based on my colour? probably not. Were they objectifying me before? Perhaps. As someone not appealing to the values/aesthetic they grew up with.  But I cannot make sweeping statements about the preferences of black men, or warn myself against them just because the ones I came across disapproved of my appearance. 

My long commutes to uni were becoming a problem, because of the amount of times I was harassed, I was like a weirdo magnet. I piled on the spikes and became 'more intimidating' - or I learned to take my dog collar off and casually wrap it around my knuckles. The harassment lessened. But I remember speaking to an older relative about it...and she just said, "Well maybe so many men want to talk to you because they think you are a prostitute" -- Was this brown woman trying to exoticize me based on my 'alternative appearance' - perhaps. 

Anyway, that sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. "WTF? why?" I asked. 

"Well because of all that dark make up you have on, and black lipstick, only women of 'bad character' wear so much makeup. And look at the leather accessories/cut off gloves...what else would they think?"

Ummm....clearly, this woman was not familiar with the goth scene. Black trenchcoats and combat boots, are really not what comes to mind if someone was effectively trying to sell mainstream sex services. Anyway, like I said. I've been objectified by all types. 

An arab friend of mine in uni was taking a marketing class with an Indian female professor. And she had an assignment on stereotypes/ misconceptions etc. She asked me to be a 'prop' in her presentation. Was she objectifying me? Perhaps, but for good reason. And I enjoyed it. So she started her presentation off talking about her friend who was of a Pakistani background, grew up in conservative Saudi Arabia, raised muslim, wore a lot of black, etc etc. She asked people to picture what kind of person I'd be... what I would look like (at this point they are all picturing a woman with a head scarf or in a burqa).

No one including the professor had seen me. That was my cue to stroll in and watch peoples JAWS DROP TO THE FLOOR. 

One of my favourite memories, to this day... like.... the reaction was insane!! there was an audible gasp and then pindrop silence. Then a barrage of questions. 

The teacher came to me after class just to tell me repeatedly 'how beautiful' I was. It was sweet of her, but this was another kind of objectification I faced on a regular basis. The need for people to tell me I was beautiful (despite my weird appearance). I could hear it in their voice usually. Hear the fact that they thought i could actually be conventionally beautiful if i didn't choose to dress the way I did. A sort of pity in their tone...

Before that time I was briefly sent to do my A-levels in a fancy pants school in Karachi. I lived with relatives - ones who constantly told me how a 'girl' should/shouldn't behave and who aggressively disapproved of the way my parents raised me to be outspoken, etc. I was actually told that a girl shouldn't eat a banana or a cucumber whole in public, and that I was being inappropriate when I did so. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I was a bloody teenager, eating a banana...way to sexualize everything. Fuck.

It wasn't a great time in my life. I was terribly homesick, and used to multicultural expat surroundings. In Pakistan I was always judged and exoticized for having a foreign accent (when i spoke english). I remember kids in school asking me to say certain words over and over. I mean, it wasn't hurtful, but got annoying to be a 'fascinating object'. 

Anyway I could go on with stories of my objectification by people of different races/ages and genders. But I shan't bore you with more. My point is, its what humans do. Not all of them, but a lot of them. If you come across an offensive version of it, call people on it - by all means. But to have a precautionary rule against one race incase of objectification or exoticization is foolish. It's like me saying, "all men are sexist assholes", and "I'd rather think of their intentions in general as questionable in every interaction, than take each person at face value". 

Yes, racism and sexism exist. But to think everyone is out to oppress you is not only delusional, it devalues the harm done by actual racism/actual sexism. 

In my life experience, the people who have not objectified me are the people who want to get to know me. The people who find me interesting, and see me as a person.  You can usually gauge if someone sees you as a potential notch in their bedpost or if they are genuinely interested in having conversations with you - If they want to know more about the differences between yours and their life, because ... well... diversity. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Malala, please stop ruining Pakistan's reputation. We can do that ourselves!

What can I possibly say that hasn't been said already?

(click to enlarge pic) 

I know....everyone's writing about Malala these days........and I might have to repeat some things u may have already read.... In my usual, less eloquent manner of course...

Because I am shocked. Pakistan and Pakistanis never fail to surprise me. Yes, yes, I know.... who am I to have an opinion? Only a half-assed Pakistani that isn't Pakistani enough...because I live elsewhere and was raised elsewhere. Couldn't give a fuck Apologies, if my having an opinion on the motherland makes you uncomfortable.

The Pakistani mentality thats behind much of the turmoil in our country, couldn't have come forth in a more glaring manner. Malala brought it out in us. Thats, right.....A little girl of 15, shot in the head for wanting an education - brings out the callousness, spitefulness, hatred, jealousy, and maniacal conspiracy theorist in more Pakistanis than I'd care to acknowledge.
I can't seem to access this page on fb anymore, but last time i could it had received over 800 likes. I have no words. 

I can't read what that says, but its horrific someone would take the time to make this. Hasn't she been through enough already? This is the height of insensitivity.

Disgusting really. Just another event indicative of how we'd rather live in denial than acknowledge the reality --that things are fucking SHIT in our country--. We cling to our false beliefs, can't possibly let that frail security blanket of comforting untruths unravel around us. Whatever would we do then? We'd have to readjust our understanding of the world *gasp*

Its so much easier to snuggle up with the misogyny and self-hate than to face it.

Now, I usually write about sexuality. And people of Malala's age shouldn't even be reading the filth I put up here. But today, I write about one specific part of the sex puzzle. Gender. Specifically, gender based hate, gender based discriminiation and gender based violence. Something we are pretty familiar with in Pakistan. Most days we don't even bat an eyelid. The day Malala got shot (because she was a female who dared to want an education), she happened to get noticed. It was a heart-wrenching tale....everybody noticed.

Some of us created alternate realities in our minds... to avoid having to acknowledge exactly how fucked up Pakistan has become. She was a CIA agent, and the shooting was a ploy. Just enough violence to get hurt, but not she could get the right amount of attention to drag Pakistan's name in the mud.  Genius. Imagine how much they must have paid her to take a shot to the head? What a sell out.

There are the less extreme haters, that acknowledge she's a sweet girl, but are angered by the fact that she has become such a media whore. Obviously manipulated, scripted by the west, to portray a biased view of the 'land of the pure'. The media are vultures everywhere. And she is SIXTEEN. Cut her some slack. She was SHOT in the fucking face. She's trying to deal with it as best as she can. All she wants is for girls to have a right to education. Is that too much to ask?

Then there are those who say, if she really cared.... she wouldn't have left the country. What good is she to Pakistan while sitting in the West. Ummm... i might repeat myself here;

She was SHOT in the fucking face. I don't blame her for wanting to get away for a while. Self-preservation and all...perhaps if someone put a gun to your head you might feel acquainted with that concept.

And there are those who say, she's only fighting for education. We still have other problems in our country, and education won't make them go away. Yes, everyone can't fight everything simultaneously. But, can you be happy that for once we got put on the map for something/someone good? Or do we prefer being in the news for bomb blasts, sectarian violence, etc?

Of course there are other people worthy of the fame and Nobel nomination. Why does it have to be that if someone says something nice about someone - you take it as negating everything nice said about other people? Not everyone becomes famous. Thats just the way it is. Can't you be happy for those who have struck a chord with the world?

The very intolerant, bitter, spiteful nature of Pakistanis has been on display through social media. Its embarrassing how little empathy we have. We cannot be happy for a little girl who has captured hearts around the globe. Shame on us.

Move over Malala, and stop embarassing Pakistan - We can do that ourselves, thank you. :)

Its not about anyone's agenda. Everyone always has an agenda. Don't let that take away from the fact that what she is fighting for is huge. She 16, and she's doing way better than you or I could under the microscope.

She's a girl....from a country that displays misogyny on a daily basis. Her incident has just reminded the world...and we are not happy because we'd like them to forget.