"I am Not my Orientation. I am Me."

As promised, here are my follow up questions with Bilal from the last post. Theres so much to be said about his second set of answers. Through his words you feel elated that he has found himself, found a place of acceptance.... but you also feel the sadness... in the fact that he can't truly be himself around everyone he loves... You can sense that there might still be scars from the fear he felt when he was younger.. the fear of being singled out...

The scars may still be there, but they make him who he is....

His words are honest..and they peel back layers of culture and religion...of society and acceptance...to leave behind just a person.

Where did you grow up? I notice you say ‘moved to London’ … so did u live in Pakistan before that? And if so, how old were you when you moved to the west? Did that make a difference in you accepting your own sexual identity?

In short - I was born in Lahore, and moved to London at a very young age, but moved back to Lahore when i was about 7/8, and lived there till i was 19, which a majority of my formative years were in Pakistan.

I cannot tell you how much i wanted to move back to London when i was 19 (it had always been agreed i would study at University in England), just to get away from everything. I had avoided feelings till then, too scared to like anyone, to show too much of a particular emotion, in case i got singled out (the thought of which scared the shit out of me).

Saying that moving to London was the catalyst in making me comfortable with myself would be the most accurate way to describe it really - of course i didnt feel comfortable with my sexuality once i landed at Heathrow, but having a culture which was so much more accepting, helped an immense amount. I could finally breathe, be more of myself.

Why wasn’t sex good the first time? When you say you were thinking too much about it, what do you mean… did you feel guilty? Did you feel it was wrong to have homosexual sex? Or was it just the regular jitters that anyone might get the first time around?

Haha..Truthfully: Sex was painful the first time because the bastard (still a dear, dear friend mind you) DIDNT USE ENOUGH LUBE - I was bottoming you see, and oh dear god, sweet Jesus in heaven above it hurt, but it got better.

During sex there wasnt much right and wrong about it really, i wasnt really thinking "Shit, im so going to hell for doing it with a man" it was more anxiety about 'doing it right' (as you so rightly pointed out - first time jitters)

Afterwards was when it sunk in when i went home the next day - I felt like i was keeping a secret from my family (not that id tell them in the first place - I HAD SEXXXXXX) but ya know, i felt like I'd have to tell them ONE day, an they would think i was..'dirty' for lack of a better word, for engaging in such apparently sinful activities!!

When you say you have no intention of marrying a woman just to please your family, how do you think you will tackle the issue when your Parents start expecting it of you?

You know what, im not entirely sure how i will tell my parents, or how i will tackle this issue, just that ill cross the bridge when i come to it. Right now ive told them im not getting married because marriage in my family is cursed haha...

I mean i have 6 sisters (No, im not gay because i have six sisters...haha), One is happily married, two are divorced, one is on a trial separation, another in the process of a divorce, while the third is content to play the 'other woman' in a relationship. My parents are divorced, i havent seen my father in about 4 years, not that i care to either - that man is a complete prick.

There are multiple divorces and remarriages on my fathers side of the family. In fact ive lost count.

Do you think you will ever actually ‘come out’to your family? Or will you just avoid discussing topics like marriage?

Eventually. I hope to. I dont like lying to them. I love them immensely, and it hurts so very much that i cant be myself with them, even more so, the thought that they would disown me if they knew.

Does anyone in your family know? Siblings,Cousins? Is there any family member that you are particularly close to and wish to tell but haven’t? How do you think they would react?

Oh a lot has happened since we last emailed each other...haha

Ive come out to:

2 Sisters,

3 Friends

1 nephew

Sisters 1 is..in disbelief, but i supposed i have to give her time...I didnt exactly take a night to believe it myself.

Sister 2 was a disappointment, because I was closer to her.

In short, she wants me to stay IN the closet, never tell the parents, and lead a double life, never hear about how my love life is going, whilst fully prepared to discuss the quandaries of her love live. She disclosed this in a 40 minute conversation over the phone as if reading me the menu for a lunch she was planning. Sort of pissed me off, needless to say.

My friends were GREAT specially seeing how they were Pakistani, and female. NOTHING has changed between me and them, (they do live in London though,). Their reaction was a surprise because ive known them since i was about 8 and grew up with them in pakistan, and i had no idea they would react so well. Shocker, really. We even check out guys together! hahah

My nephew im really close to - at 19 im quite close to him, nearly had me in tears, and was the first person i told. I dont know why, but i just blurted it out...sort of like "KAIS....IM GAY"

We were in my bedroom smoking a joint, and he was like Shit...Really? and i was like "Yep".... he was like "I still love you man...You're still my Uncle...Now, take a toke."

I very, nearly burst into tears.

How do you think your parents would deal with it if you were to come out?



Not well. I remember one time, i was laying on the bed on my mums room, as she watched TV, i was reading a book. I was about 12, out of the blue, she suddenly said "Bilal, you're not a 'poof' are you?" My blood ran cold, oh so very, very cold, i blurted out no, and went back to reading my book, my heart racing, and my palms all sweaty.

Im the only son. I have to take care of my mother (she is my parent). Believe it or not, my main fear is who is going to look after her if i dont. I mean sure, my sisters will be more than happy to do it, but its my responsibility - not theirs - they have their children to raise, their families to take care of - it would be unfair to my nephews and nieces to put such a strain on their mother.

I dont know. Really I dont.


You mention that you used to deny being gay,what was the turning point that actually made you accept you for who you are?


I started meeting gay people in London..they were normal. They were fun, they lived, they laughed, they breathed, they loved. Just not who other people expected them too.

We arent that different you and I..I realised, so i convinced myself to stop fighting myself, and just spend time just being myself!
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Such a brilliant way to end the interview...makes me feez fuzzy inside...and hopeful for the rest of the desi universe

"...I convinced myself to stop fighting myself, and just spend time being myself!"

* * *

Speaking of the desi universe...I've recently been exchanging emails with another delightfully interesting and eloquent desi gentleman...he goes by the name 'chatkhara' and he's actually written something about his own personal experience as a desi gay man for the blog:

Nowadays, my life is a walking hash tag. I walk around clunky problems by trapping them in a nifty hash tag that can be easily classified, shared, tossed, and duplicated. I'm referring to twitter, of course.

I think that the hash tag allows me to classify my problems, neatly and succinctly, as the elephant in the room that I can carefully avoid. A theoretical tweet of #gaymanproblems allows me to joke about the burdens of heteronormativity while not really talking about the issue. I package my unwieldy woes in a portmanteau of problems that might elicit a laugh. Everything becomes "that awkward moment when" X happened. Pause. Laugh. Scratch your ass. Tweet about something else. That's as far as it has gone for me. I'm just so disconnected from the moment.

Part of the fun of #gaymanproblems is that it also assumes that you can click on the twitter hyperlink and see other queer individuals categorizing their queer blunders in a homosexual rolodex.



What have fags tweeted about today? Let's click in and have a peek. To the victor(s), the successful writers of #gaymanproblems, go the spoils: RTs and follows. "Heartbreaking" they cry. Supporters rally to the sad tweets, chuckle to the outlandish ones. In a global age, where we are all affected by a hyperactive inability to limit private experiences qua private ONLY experiences, marketing strategies reign supreme. I hate the tweet, but boy do I love sharing the misery with others. I think "schadenfreude" directed at the self might be masochism. Whatever. Gotta love the melodrama.

Why am I writing this all? Enough with the wallowing. I love the support, but I'm just commenting on the frustration of publicizing the ephemera of my life into a block text that can easily be closed and abandoned by all those who have read it. Except me. That's my existence, and I just sidestep it with hash tags. Here is one such hash tag hammered out for today:

#Gaymanproblems: That moment when your insides burst on your best friend's birthday and you present her the present of your failed heterosexuality.

About two and an half years ago, I came out to my friend Zainab on her 23 birthday. We were new to the area and started a friendship after a strong acquaintance period launched two summers before in India. The shared experience of living abroad forges strong friendships and I was ecstatic when I learned that she was moving to the midwest for graduate school. I wouldn't be alone. Our friendship exploded into a sibling like closeness that the world should envy. The chemistry was incredible. She became my auto-predict text. To this day, she is my siamese twin. Half way across the world, I know she feels phantom pangs of pain when I'm keeling over in diarrhea due to a poorly received kebab, or embarrassment as I bob my head (the faux-gangster that I am) to Mosdef. I'm such a poseur(!), but that's another entry.

We go out for a celebratory birthday dinner, on me. We begin to gossip about an annoying girl in my cohort, Preet. Preet had been calling me frequently and hovering around me to the point that I started to dislike her. My passive aggression and avoidance didn't send her the indirect signal I had intended. Zainab casually suggested that she might like me.

And then they erupt, the fireworks inside. My stomach begins to convulse. Play it cool, self. Play it straight.

I don't really remember my vocal response to Zainab. I think I all but died, my last remaining words eaten in an uncomfortable chuckle. I was consumed by my own sheepish silence.

And so here we are enjoying middle eastern food in a restaurant. I've now gotten to know her for about a week and am excited to celebrate a monumental day together. But all the while, I'm consumed with the fear that I'm lying to her about my existence. I've performing straightness. I fidget uncomfortably in my seat wondering if she read the "FAG" bulliten written on my forehead.

I begin to feel selfish that I can't give her all of my attention, that I'm just so consumed with myself. My self-centeredness eats away at my core, as I watch my mind volley back and forth in its uncertainty. "Tell her! Don't tell her! Tell her, but not today! It's her birthday! Don't ruin today!" Moments like these are so intense for me, I often translate everything in my brain into the umpteen languages I know and focus on the structural irregularities of grammatical declensions rather than worry about the actual content I want to convey. And then I grow crazy. I imagine myself vomiting pee soup in the horror movie adaption of My So-Called Life. My head spins slowly, my eyes bulge, and Zainab slurps her diet coke, oblivious to what's transpiring in front of her. That's what anxiety does to me. Anxiety of myself. Anxiety of my unchosen, unrequited sexuality. I spin out of control, jumping from subject to subject, rationalizing, raging, imagining myself with 5 heads and a Samantha Steven's twitchable nose. I recreate myself with a swagger like Hrithik Roshan, hair like Mondo from Project Runway, and then before I know it class is over, the dinner check has come, and I haven't even savored the juicy story that my friend laughed out loud at for the last hour. I want to be anyone but myself.

Still, Zainab and I have a great dinner, from what I remember. And then in the parking lot, I lose it again. I start hyperventilating. It's interesting that in that very moment, two weeks shy of my 24th birthday, I did not associate my queerness with embarrassment. I wasn't embarrassed to be gay. I was happy in the closet and was able to joke out loud and be my salacious self with close friends who knew. But I still carried shame as an invisible, vestigial appendage of my upbringing, and shame has a mind of its own. It stops you from speaking. It makes your legs too heavy to lift. It takes your heart, cuts it off from the aorta, and tosses it the right side of your chest. My chest implodes on itself, my lungs collapse, and I have an outer-body experience as I see myself in fragments. Shame is what caused me to think that Zainab wouldn't like me anymore. That she'd be disgusted with me. The politics of high school make a cameo, it seems!

I walk anxiously to the car. The "me" I knew shrunk into a miniature version. He was now a walking, shame driven being.

But how did she not know? How couldn't she know? I depended on the fact that this was the foundation of the unspoken agreement of my friendship. I am gay and let's not talk about it. Could she be that oblivious?

The easiest way for me to out myself, I'm convinced, is to tell the world about my Ricky Martin obsession from the 7th grade. But somehow I never remember that one at the moment of Truth.

I can never, ever manage to actually get the words "I am gay" out by themselves. The words are too jagged on my tongue and I can't extract them from my insides without producing enough tears to irrigate a small desert. So I cheat. "I have something to tell you" is an incredibly easy statement to say, for some reason. "I have to talk to you about something" is too, and when I say these, I am setting myself up very well for the revelation. I almost feel like the other person can predict my topic of conversation. "Zainab, I'm gay," I blurted out. We were almost to the car, and I did the impossible. No going back now. Reality returned. Little Me resumed the wheel.

I now believe that the best response to the revelation of sexual orientation is nothing. Say nothing. Don't encourage the person to understand his/her secret as a magical revelation, a deal changer of sorts. Don't let their performance of trauma goad you into making orientation into something more than it is. It's nothing, a non issue. I am not my orientation. I am me.

Zainab's reaction was exactly that, and it might have been the best reaction I have ever received (queer individuals excluded). She responded with a perfunctory "oh." She may have even said "that's nice" or "thank you for telling me." I disremember these specifics, as I was more concerned with my miscalculation, my huge faux pas. I must have ruined her birthday.

I must have! What kind of a friend trumps the birthday girl with the fag card? Now her birthday will also be the day I came out to her. Forever. WTF. This is not cool, and I think I spent the next 20 minutes apologizing out loud and the next month in a perpetual face palm.

Zainab is persistent in convincing me that I did nothing of the sort, that she could care less if I was gay or not. Most importantly, I wasn't met with the sly but condescending "I knew it all along" remark that I anticipated. I wish I could have savored the moment, the surprise. Seen the reaction on my face as I realized I was naive to think my orientation could destroy my friendship and banish her 23rd birthday to some hellish corner.

Two and a half years later, this has all become a very funny joke. I'll call Zainab up every so often and come out to her on the phone, parodying my trepidation from that night. Now I'm finally laughing with myself at the joke instead of making myself the butt of the joke.

I'm not sure if I am ready for this next step, but the fact that I have taken to the quill to document my anxieties and unpack my own emotional history leads me to wonder if I need to out myself on my personal blog. To blog about everything in my life in one forum but restrict sexual and sexualized content that reveals my affinity to men (and questionable, problematic pull to women) is to perform a violent partition on my mental life. How Mountbatten of me. I already lead a bifurcated existence in so many ways and the odds that my family will discover this blog is next to nil. And if they do, what happens? So what, my moments of torture have an audience with several members that have had roles in my one act play. Maybe they'll remember when they called my "fag" as a five year old. Oh, wait, this isn't the place for that.

I'll just write and see what comes to my fingers. Please stay along for the road, reader. We can think together.

Ham saath saath sochen gay. Even my thoughts are gay.

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Oh my...after reading that, I'm left feeling that my friend 'Chatkhara' has unfortunately led quite a tormented existence...in both Bilal and him there has been shame. Shame about something they didnt have any control over, something that is perfectly natural. Lets hope that because of people like these two, younger people will have things to read that mirror their experiences...homosexuality may not gain acceptance in desi-land overnight, but there is comfort in seeing that you're not alone and that there are others out there who face the same struggles. I won't say much more cuz there's already a lot to think about in this post.

You can read more of Chatkhara's musings here........or if u prefer, read that post here.

A shout out to Gaysi - Thanks for publishing my post!

Later Skaters!

I don't Know how I'll tell my Family.....

Being desi is hard enough..don't even get me started on that....but as we've been discussing...its pretty damn complicated, gut-wrenching, confusing... etc... to be gay and desi.

Our people are so judgemental as it is, and so afraid of anything that's different from 'the norm'...that its almost impossible to be accepted as a respectable member of Pakistani society unless you fit their mould to a tee. And despite being straight myself I've had a hard time being accepted by Pakistanis all my life. A couple of tattoos, a few piercings.... and in my younger days, hair that was every colour of the rainbow...excessive black eyeshadow, corsets...boots... bah these superficial things were what kept me kind of..uh 'separate' from the desi crowd...especially in university... where i was most 'expressive'...



.... i remember the desis would hang out in this one corner of the food court at our uni.... and every time i'd walk past there'd be whispers....and they'd say things like 'astaghfirullah', 'tobah tobah' ... assuming i didnt understand what they were saying....and if they didn't have that wtf, omg you're a devil-worshipping freak attitude, then they often treated me like i was an 'interesting specimen' ...asked me questions about my beliefs etc. I felt like I always had to defend my existence around other desis, or watch what I was saying, lest it be misinterpreted and held against me, simply because I chose to look different. For example, a desi aunty, who's own daughter was sleeping around town... told my mom to keep an eye on me because my interest in animals was unnatural... and she offered that perhaps I was sexually attracted to cats as an explanation for why I dressed so strangely.

Yeah.... you heard right.

This crazy bitch had the audacity to say that to my mom... and my mother promptly told her to shut the fuck up, in politer terms I'm sure - but, thats the kind of incident that punctuates my life from time to time... especially with desis.

And if people are not offering weird theories about why I'm so into dressing in black...they have often been interested in my 'quirkiness' for all the wrong reasons. Now unlike the other brownfolk at my school there was one character in my dorm who did want to befriend me, a seemingly sweet enough guy, from Islamabad.... He was always very interested in what I had to say, or what I was doing... a little too interested it seemed, but he was engaged and his fiance was also in our dorm... so I thought nothing of it. Till one day, on a routine visit to my room... this guy just outright said, "Hey if you ever have a guy spend the night in your room... do you mind if I come watch? That would really turn me on." And he wasn't joking, he was all seriousness. 'Course, people just say that kinda shit sometimes, or if you're really into watching people be intimate, then I assume you wouldn't bring it up so nonchalantly, with someone you don't know that well. But I was so weirded out - that I passed it off as a joke at the time...and quickly got him out of my room. He got weirder and creepier as time went on, the more I avoided him, the more he'd follow me around. When I started going out of my way to not talk to this guy, I started receiving weird pictures of myself in envelopes under my door. Pictures that were taken from far far away, from a height too...me leaving our dorm building, me bringing back food to the building with friends, etc. It just really creeped me the fuck out. Then finally after a long stretch of not seeing this guy for a while I saw him in the hall...ugh my skin crawled, something about the way he looked at me...he said..."so have you been getting my pictures?"

WHAT - THE - FUCK.....it was him all along, and I kinda knew it in the back of my mind too...but thought I was being paranoid. So he was telling me how he had got this crazy zoom lens and proceeded to describe how from his 12th floor dorm room he'd photograph me.... *shudder*

At that point, honestly, I was afraid...I just went cold. I ended the conversation...walked away... and didn't see him again, because it was the end of semester and I think he graduated then. Went back home to get married. I often thought of that poor girl he married...and how she prolly knew nothing about this stalker side of him.

But i got majorly sidetracked there.... My point is this, because for a lot of my life i've looked very different from the norm, I tend to bring out the crazy in people. Especially desi people...I have a wealth of stories I could bore you with, but I'll spare you for the time being. Right now I just want to say that I can seriously relate to feeling like an outsider, to feeling different from others...to being treated differently...to being cast out...Of course, how I feel is nothing in comparison to how a gay desi person feels. Sure I look different, people may whisper and say I'm a devil worshipper, blah blah...but they get over it. Though they are disgusted, they aren't completely and utterly scandalized like they are with homosexuality.

Plus, with age one outgrows these appearance based rebellions. The more mainstream my appearance becomes the more accepted i become. But you can never outgrow your sexual orientation...so what then? Its definitely a lifetime of struggling. Knowing that the second you show your true self, everyone you love could walk away from you.

Its slow, but people in the desi world are starting to speak up. There are websites, online forums, blog posts, etc. There are places for gay (desi) people to be heard. It can't be long till it trickles into the mainstream. This is how acceptance starts. We have to stop being afraid of things, beliefs, people - anything that's different from what we're used to. And the more people that are willing to talk about it, share their personal experiences, their stories - the more avenues it'll open up for those who live in fear.

No one should ever have to live in fear, or hate themselves.

I've gotta hand it to my next interviewee, It really takes a lot to open up when you're Gay and Pakistani. I hope this inspires other gay Pakistanis to be proud of who they are.

Bilal, 24, Male

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

I think i was about 10/11, when my interest was piqued by a sex scene in a movie with Bruce Willis...my mother shouted out “FORWARD THE SEX SCENE”, so the next day when no one was home, i played the sex scene over again in slow motion. Then i looked it up in the Encyclopedia Britannica..this was pre-internet days mind you, so that was my only source of information, and boy, did they have some detailed diagrams of human anatomy.

At first i was sightly shocked, then disgusted, after a little while it began to interest me so much so that if any film had a good “scene” in it, i would hunt out an opportunity to watch it by myself.


Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

God yes! It was a taboo subject when i was a teenager, and amongst the teens of Pakistan today, it still seems to be. Let me tell you this, guys conversations in Pakistan have ALOT more homosexual overtones than Ive ever seen in my life. I suppose when you cant act as openly with the opposite gender, it leads to a such circumstances.

A girl who had sex with a guy was instantly labelled a slut, whilst the guy a hero, that i never understood quite frankly, and still don't, and this view i think, sort of stems from the above dilemma. If they didn't make such a big deal about sex it would hardly be an event of any particular noteworthiness

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?

Yes, wasn't so great the first time though - I was thinking way to much about it. After that it become much more enjoyable, it was more about about responding to my partner, then being expected to do something - Without getting too graphic it all about counter acts rather than thinking about what would be enjoyable.

On premarital sex:

I'm a live and let live kind of guy - i see no particular harm in it at all, as long as you know what you are getting into, and you know its right. Sure, i frown upon one night stands, but that's only when it comes to me. People are different, if you can handle it, then i say go for it!

On Arranged Marriage:

Doubt this really applies to me, for obvious reasons - but here is my 2 cents on arranged marriages - They have just as much of chance of success and failure as do love marriage - it depends entirely on the people getting married and what they make of it.

As for its effect on sexuality, there is no doubt that in places like Pakistan, many a gay man has probably married a woman instead of coming out to their family.

I however, have no such intention (of getting married that is - to a woman at least anyway), i don't know how I’ll tell my family, but God help me when the time comes.


Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?

No more than two

On Sex & Equality:

Difficult one to answer .You can try and make it pleasurable for your partner, and you will succeed most of the time, which results (in my limited opinion) in great sex. Id like to think of it as a sort of natural selection - If you have good sex, you stick around, if not you move on and find someone you enjoy having sex with and vice versa.

But then again, good sexual compatibility isn't always the basis for a good relationship.

And i think Ive somehow missed the point of this question completely! But there you go!


What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?

I was born in a very matriarchal family, so my perceptions on gender are rather skewed - In my opinion there are no reasons why women cant do stuff men can - the obvious things that pop into mind are “Oh But men are generally stronger” ( the standard Pakistani response). The only limitation that exist are the ones that society put on you,

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

Is that even possible for men? Im not the One and done kinda guy, but id imagine for men, its more the intensity of the orgasm than the number.


Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?

Apparently its my prostrate. I'm not entirely convinced. Ill definitely let you know when i find out.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

Although i don't know anyone like this personally, i have heard of it happening, and to be honest I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

Do you think about sex everyday?

Initially id like to say not really, but its always lurking there, in my subconscious

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?

No, its not central to it. For some reason id think i was a very shallow person if it did.

On Masturbation:

I quite enjoy it - there seems to be a unfortunate amount of negativity associated with it, even though it has somewhat decreased somewhat recently. Unless its getting in the way of your sex life, there shouldn't be a problem

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you?

Nope. Everyone has a past. It might be difficult to deal with it, but you got to.

On Pornography:

Healthy in small doses, Can be quite addictive, and set up false expectations. As long as you remember there is whole lot more to sex than “Wham Bam, thank you ma’am” , enjoy it!

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?

Oh god. Really? No.. I wasn’t really aware of any such practices.

As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing and what do u think they are doing?

I have rarely wondered how other peoples sex live are going – the married friends I know, however, seem to have no problem sharing this information with me for some reason…(Maybe I just have one of those trusting faces).
In general however, id say there is definitely more to it than meets the eye – especially because its such a hugely taboo topic!

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?

Its natural as heterosexuality. I honestly don’t believe you can be turned gay, nor do I believe it’s a product of nurture. I just honestly wished my family saw it the same way. Id like to think they would want me to be happy, but it’s not likely that they will accept me

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

Definitely - it would make coming out for me so much easier. Most of the the Pakistani community are stuck with images of old stereotypes when it comes to sexuality - the effeminate gay man, the butch lesbians, the in-denial bisexuals - and even though these stereotype are alive an well in the global gay community, that's not the all there is! I use to deny being gay for the same reason - i couldn't be gay - i wasn't effeminate in the least bit, so i how could i be gay?

It wasnt till i moved to London that i realised you don't have to be girly to be gay, and slowly started accepting myself.

Long story short - if the community were educated and stopped all the stereotyping, LGBT folk would have a much easier time.

* * *

On a side note: you all must think I look like a serious freak now eh? hahah no no.... not really... but believe me just having blue hair is enough to scare off the aunties and uncles. But most of that was in the past, I have definitely toned it down... but every now and then I still like to rock a corset ;)

* * *

As for the interview, *sigh* Bilal is someone that I personally found very inspiring. He truly captured my imagination. I certainly wasn't done with him yet. A man comfortable with his sexuality...better yet, a Pakistani man..comfortable with his 'alternative' sexuality. Do you know how hard that is to come across? Of course I wanted to pick his brain a bit more...

So tune in next time for my follow up questions :)

"There is No Other Way...Than the Straight Way..."

Ayesha, Female, 28

I identify as a homosexual. I very recently finally accepted this to myself, and have only told 3-4 other people so far. Till my late teens I knew I only liked women and felt incredibly dirty and degenerate because of it. Then by an incredible stroke of luck I landed up in a radically feminist all-womens college in the US, which did wonders for me. In four years it transformed me from a cringing freak into a confident, self-loving woman. And I now believe in all people embracing their sexuality, because to deny it is pointless, and that is biology for you.

Layla, Female, 19

I feel we all have tendencies, but it depends on how much we nurture them. I don’t have a problem with homosexuals and am friends with many, but I like to make it clear to them that I don’t go that way. But lesbians def hotter than 2 men, gay guys just don’t do it for me, kinda make me sick.

Ambreen, Female, 28

im not really for it or against it ... i know a lot of people are homosexual ...i don't think they are any different from you or I ... i dont think i know the topic well enough... the people i know are not close friends or anything mostly associates...

Mariam, Female, 26

I’ve had varying degrees of closeness with different people who identify as homosexual….but I know them well enough.. they’re all men… I don’t know any gay women personally… but generally I think.. if it was a choice… why would anyone choose to subject themselves to the kind of crap that homosexuals go through leading the life that they lead…especially in a place like Pakistan….. doesn’t that tell you its not a choice? I don’t see anyone making such stupid choices…subjecting themselves to a lifelong sentence of being a pariah… laughed at and scorned at and saying you’ll be sent to hell and god knows what else….so just there…that’s a fundamental logical flaw for me in the whole argument of … "there is no other way…. than the straight way"…I think that’s crap and its everyones personal preference…..i’ve never had any experiences myself…. One of my friends almost kissed me once.. that’s probably the closest I’ve come to having a homosexual experience…I was definitely taken aback….but not freaked out…and this is another straight girl im talking about…. But it never happened… we never talked about it …we just let it go….

Fatima, Female, 25

I was very gay – I thought I would be disowned. I know so many people right now who can’t deal with their sexuality…it’s because they have never had the freedom of mind to go there. But yeah we need to educate our kids – especially if you’re going to leave your kids to servants…make sure your child is comfortable enough to point out what they need to... when they need to. We’re a nation of depressed young individuals…. The amount of denial we live in. And sexual denial is a big problem.

I always fancied girls…. When my boy cousins were looking up skirts I was more interested in looking up skirts. It was normal because no one noticed it – no one said anything…the moment it became noticeable I freaked out on myself – I told myself that I have to be straight…and I tried bringing it up with a couple of people – I was little when that happened. I remember watching tennis with everyone else, the only reason I was watching tennis was because the chick was jumping around. (Laughs) I think it’s a very natural thing – yea, perhaps I was more sexually aware at 11 than most 11 year olds – but that was because of my upbringing (I grew up watching porn with my cousins… and in a household where all my cousins – all of us were grabbed …molested….by the servants) – and we made fun of sex, I was well aware that sex is a part of life. I didn’t even know there were different forms of contraception till quite late… I just knew about one form… Yeah that’s how interested I was in dick, that I didn’t even know what a condom was (laughs).

Sumeira, Female, 25

It’s there – these are all things that are a part of life – accept it.

(Earlier she had mentioned that she was bisexual… so I asked here if it was something that was always there or if she felt it was something that developed. She said she felt it was something that developed.)

It depends from person to person, I suppose people who are homosexual or lesbian (this is not bisexual people) – they probably feel that way and have it in them, of course they have tried with a person of the opposite sex and it hasn’t really happened… you figure it out… people who are bisexual I suppose its first curiosity…whether you like it or not. That’s how it happened with me…it was curiosity. And if you like it – you like it. I’ve been with more than one person of the same sex. I don’t think I sway more towards one side – not really …because I was thinking about it a couple of days ago – I’ve slept with 7-8 people max… and it’s about even …either way. 4 on one side and 4 on the other. I’ve had two very long relationships, one with a guy and one with a woman.

Zobia, Female, 22

I think its ok to be homosexual or bisexual; in fact I think everyone has a certain degree of such tendencies in them. It’s a pity that they’re hated and looked down upon simply because of their sexuality. On the other hand I don’t respect gay people who fall into their stereotypes of being overly promiscuous. Another reason why sex education is important is to teach homosexual individuals how to have safe sex and why it’s important to have safe sex.

Saira, Female, 22

I think it’s perfectly natural.... and in fact when you trace back human history we were all bisexual.... I know it’s looked down up in Islam and whatever.... but with religion came all of this taboo... I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with it..... I think we all have a little bit of homosexuality in us.

Rabia Female, 23

This is too broad a question. In what context? Generally I cannot say I have anything against them, nor am I a ‘homophobe’ (and I am not jumping to that assumption in a defensive manner but simply making an educated guess on the relevance of the question). The religious perspective on this is too long of a discussion so I will refrain from attempting to summarize it here. And yes, for this particular question that is the perspective through which I’d like to share my opinion.


Farah, Female, 29

It’s a subject close to my heart because one of my gay friends back in Karachi recently committed suicide. I think there needs to be acceptance. Many people just don’t come out of the closet and have farcical marriages and lives.

Sam, Female, 28

Who a person is attracted to cannot be controlled. If a person feels naturally attracted to ppl of the same sex, you can't change that. So all these people who go on about how its 'unnatural' and wrong..i wanna ask them why their god made these people like this if it was so wrong.
I am curious about homosexual relationships and their dynamics because i don't know many ppl who are openly gay (i know some but not well enough to talk abt it).
If i had kids i would prefer if they were straight, maybe coz thats what i'm used to, but if they weren't i'd be ok with it.
Anyone who passes judgment on how wrong homosexuality is and how gay marriages shouldn't be allowed, should just learn to mind their own business. Your orientation has no impact on how good or bad a person you are.

Maliha, Female, 21

I’m okay with it. (I’m okay with most things). I’m a bit bothered by MSMs but honestly, its none of my business and so long as they’re happy I don’t think anyone has the right to prevent them from doing it any way they want. The same goes for lesbians - the only thing I am unsure about there is whether I’m bisexual enough to try it out with one :D

Mahreen, Female, 26

I’m bi myself, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s an individual choice. Whatever turns you on.

* * *

You know, reading these bits from my interviews, I gotta say, I'm surprised at how many bi/gay women volunteered to speak to me. I think it's fantastic that so many wanted to be heard. There's no denying that even in the most 'open minded' circles of the Pakistani elite, homosexuality is still a taboo subject. Sure, everyone knows it exists but many choose to live in denial. And often people that are seemingly liberal about everything are just not accepting of homosexuality. Take Layla for example,

"But lesbians def hotter than 2 men, gay guys just don’t do it for me, kinda make me sick."

I'm sure that particular point of view,as hypocritical as it may seem, resonates with a lot of the 'liberal' desi crowd. And not just desi either, I see that point of view here in the West all the time. Of course, lesbians are far more acceptable,

a)because guys like it, and a lot of girls just like whatever makes them seem sexier. Sometimes its not even a conscious decision, that's how deeply embedded our need to please men is - on a global scale. Lets be honest... the mainstream woman is all about trying to fit into the mould of what a man would want. But that's another story, for another time....

b) because the media tells us its 'hot'... now I'm the worst person to give pop culture references because I try to keep my poor brain sheltered from most of that drivel. And YET even i can list you several examples...The 'Lesbians' from American Pie, Katy (ugh) Perry's ridiculous song about kissing girls that bastardized, cheapened and watered down the real act of a lesbian kiss, Madonna and Britney fucking Spears. I shan't go on. But the point of my tirade is; this oversexualized, processed and prepackaged version of two women being together, that we're being force-fed through the media is really just another way to cater to the male fantasy. Its not 'two women being together' at all. Its two women trying to please men. (Sorry male readers, its nothing personal)

And often when our society takes a 'real' look at homosexuality, when it isn't about Katy Perry kissing a girl and liking it, they are disgusted by the raw 'same-sex attraction' that they see. Its not airbrushed or made prettier by popular culture, its a real way of life - and that real way of life is unacceptable....deemed 'unnatural'. We are so afraid of difference and things not within our comfort zone. We teach our kids the very same same thing. So if they do grow up feeling 'different' they are left in the same position as Ayesha,

"I identify as a homosexual. I very recently finally accepted this to myself, and have only told 3-4 other people so far. Till my late teens I knew I only liked women and felt incredibly dirty and degenerate because of it."

Lucky for her she ended up at that feminist college in the States, otherwise she'd be sentenced to a whole life of self hatred. And what kind of way to live is that? No one deserves to go through life in such a miserable state. Especially for something they can't control. Its a basic human need to want to feel included and accepted. For those of us that are holier-than-thou, who are we to deny any human, such a basic necessity of life?

As a result of this mentality, people have trouble coming to terms with their own sexuality, as Fatima so rightly puts it,

"We’re a nation of depressed young individuals…. The amount of denial we live in. And sexual denial is a big problem."

Sounds like she went through that herself too for a brief period;

"It was normal because no one noticed it – no one said anything…the moment it became noticeable I freaked out on myself – I told myself that I have to be straight…"

Imagine constantly battling yourself on such a profound level, telling yourself that your very existence is wrong...unacceptable, unnatural...Imagine what that does to a person's soul...sure those who come out the other end alive are stronger for it. But unfortunately, not everyone can take that kind of self-battery...

That's a sad reality in every part of the world, but I imagine that being gay in a conservative society like Pakistan is a little more difficult than in the West where at least you can find people and places to accept you for who you are. During my stay in Karachi (where I began interviewing people for this project), I came across a really nice guy at a party. Some other obnoxious guy was making fun of gay people, and I was in the midst of giving him a piece of my mind...and this guy (the nice one) walked up to our argument and introduced himself, shook hands with both me and the obnoxious one, and proceeded to say "I'm gay...whats wrong with gay people?" The asshole I was talking to at the time had his jaw drop to the floor because of the sheer awkwardness of the situation....a real live gay guy..oh my! Meanwhile I was nearly on the floor cuz I was laughing so hard...

So that shut him up for the rest of the party. And I had made a great contact to interview...we talked the rest of the night, I had never come across such an openly gay individual in Pakistan. That takes balls. I was really impressed at how he'd managed to be so liberated and proud of his sexual identity. What I was most thrilled about was how keen he was to do the interview with me. But then life happened and I was moving back to Toronto. By the time I got in touch with my friend who I knew him through ... it was too late....I heard the worst imaginable news...He had hung himself. Just like that. This liberated guy, who lived openly with his partner...in a judgemental city like Karachi... could take life no more. Clearly, the constant scrutiny and lack of acceptance had finally taken its toll.

Living like that can really destroy you from the inside out...that's why we cannot let this continue to happen. If our society could just hate a little less, and accept a little more...what a wonderful place 'twould be...

One of my interviewees had to live through this sad situation with a close friend. I can't imagine what that must feel like, hearing that about someone I had just met once really shook me up.

Farah:"It’s a subject close to my heart because one of my gay friends back in Karachi recently committed suicide."

Learn to live and let live I say. Why are so many people even bothered about who other consenting adults sleep with?

From now on, I Swing Both Ways....

...I mean I'm accepting interviews from both Indians AND Pakistanis.... what did u think I meant? Tut tut....I'm sure my husband's heart skipped a beat when he read the title - sorry honey, thats not happening :P

I've been hearing from some wonderful Indians...and lets face it, our cultures are so similar (especially Muslim Indians)... that I think its time to spread the mango branches a bit further. So from now on, whether you're Indian or Pakistani - if you're frustrated with the way your country deals with sexuality... and you're lookin' for an outlet...come pour your little desi heart out at Nice Mangos :)



My next interviewee is a Muslim Indian, and since we've been talking about homosexuality lately, I thought this'd be a good time to introduce her. She's bi, bold, brave and honest. Gotta love a woman like that.

Mahreen, 26, Female

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

Probably when I was about 12. After I had my first orgasm, I became very curious and started to read all the dodgy material in my uncle’s library. Intercourse entered the lexicon soon after.

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

I can’t say. I know India is, but probably less than it was 20 years ago. But even now, while sexual titillation is common in movies and the like, virginity is still prized among most sections of society. You see a lot of prudishness as well, people willing to talk about things but never doing it.

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?

I love sex, in all its varied forms. Ever since I first got a taste of it as a teenager and overcame the guilt, I’ve embraced it.

On premarital sex:

I think premarital sex is fine. I can’t imagine marrying someone without being sure if there was sexual compatibility. I first had sex with a girl when I was 16, and with a guy at 18.

On Arranged Marriage:

Whatever works for you. I doubt I’d ever have an arranged marriage. The friends I know who have are a mixed bag – some are sexually fulfilled, others are deeply frustrated.

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?

Yes, I have. Certainly more than one.

Do you think sex is something that should be explored and experimented with or should one always stick with what they know?

I think sex should be explored with whatever boundaries work for each person. Personally, I don’t like piercings, but I’m very much open to sex toys, S&M (mild) and most other roleplay.

On Sex & Equality:

It depends so much on your partners. Some guys are just selfish and lose interest once they come. Others make sure they see you over the crest as well. But even in a lesbian relationship, you can have skewed equations, with one partner very dominant.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?

They do have a big role, but I’d look at upbringing too. Especially in the case of desi women, who are often over-protected or made to feel subservient.

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

Yes, I have. Several times, both by myself and with partners. Usually from a combination of oral sex and fingering that stimulates the G-spot.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?

Yes, I have. And having it rubbed and teased certainly works for me. I found it myself first and now try and make sure my partners can locate it too.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

I know of several women, yes. In most cases, it has to do with severe inhibitions rooted in childhood, or partners who just can’t be bothered.

Do you think about sex everyday? How often?

I’d say I think about it several times a day.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?

Of course it does. Both thinking about it, and trying to do something about those thoughts.

On Masturbation:

Love it. Every woman should indulge, as often as they can. Best way to figure out your body.

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you?

Not at all. Experience is a virtue in my book. Better that than an inept beginner.

On Pornography:

I’m a fan. I don’t watch too much of it, but I certainly am not one of the porn-haters.

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?

In India, especially in rural areas, I’d say it’s fairly common. Have also heard of a couple of people (girls) who tried things with their dogs.

As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing and what do u think they are doing?

Judging by the population, people are having a lot of sex. Another matter whether they enjoy it freely.

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?

I’m bi myself, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s an individual choice. Whatever turns you on.

What are your thoughts on sex change operations and the people that feel they need one?

Again, it’s an individual choice. If someone feels they need that to feel better about themselves, why not?

* * *

I think Mahreen brings up an important point when she mentions that even in a lesbian relationship the power balance can be skewed. I've read enough biased ultrafeminist texts in gender classes (at Uni) that imply only homosexual relationships can achieve equality in the bedroom. I really don't think that's the case. In my opinion, sex isn't something that you can have absolute equality in - whether you're gay or straight. Its a kind of dance, the way I see it. Because of the dynamics and whats involved, one partner has to 'lead'...sure you can switch up the roles and keep balance that way, but to have complete equality during the act...I think its impossible...theres always someone doing the fucking, and someone getting fucked. And you don't have to take that statement literally...there are a lot of ways to interpret it ;)

Next time - more on what the other interviewees had to say about Homosexuality.

* * *

Oh and for those of you on Twitter who participated in my art giveaway contest, thank you! you're all awesome. Congrats to the two lovely ladies who won @Mahnoorie and @Bhaichod.... <3 I shall mail those prints out soon!

Follow me on Twitter if you'd like to participate in future Art giveaways - @nicemangos -- mangos... not mangoes.

Toodles!

How to spot a Homophobe

Just like regular decent people, homophobes come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they're hard to spot, because they're masquerading as tolerant...but fear not dear readers...because my homophobe-spotter is just as sharp as my 'gaydar'...You will soon be able to see these types from a mile away, and avoid the frustration of ignorant conversation.

I was inspired to write today because I came across some old pictures I took at Pride a couple of years ago.

Our annual Pride Parade is really something...we have people coming from all over the world to witness this wonderfully inclusive part of Toronto culture <3... and its a freakin' blast, whether you're gay or straight or bi or trans.... as long as you're open minded, you're guaranteed to have a good time. What i don't recommend however, is going with your mom...or dad...(especially if you're brown)

Not that I did, but every year my mom wants to tag along with us. I have to politely refuse, because as close as we are and as liberal as she is....it'd be a bit strange to watch so much nudity and sexuality shimmy down the street while she's there. Plus we wouldn't be able to get totally shmammered and idiotic....so each year I have to remind her, "I love you mom... but this is one thing we can't do together" and she's always like, "whats the big deal... its just a parade"... one year though, my poor younger sister got suckered into going with my mom...AND dad. My dad was less than enthusiastic, but he happened to be downtown for other reasons, and couldn't avoid it.

Now, my dad's a fantastic guy... liberal in many many ways... but something like homosexuality bothers him to a degree I just don't get. But then again, just sexuality in general is a bit much for him to handle. He can't even stand a simple discussion... or even the mention of the word sex...so I guess expecting him to be ok with sex that's not even 'mainstream' is a bit of a stretch. Its hard for me to say that he's a homophobe...because that's such an ugly word for someone I love so much..but lets face it..a lot of our dads probably are, to some degree. You can't entirely fault them for it either - its a generational thing, they're a product of their upbringing and the world that surrounded them back in the day. Once they've gone through more than half a century set in their ways, you can't get through to them.... so you've gotta forgive that particular strain of homophobia, they can't help it. In the same way, a lot of old people say so many racist things too....its just the way the world was when they were forming their identities. *shrug*

But where was I....oh yea - so......my sister and the parents.. out on the street for pride parade .... holy shit! I was a few blocks away thoroughly enjoying my time, but my poor sibling was busy diffusing tension. My dad had been dragged into this by my overly adventurous mom... and soon they had both had enough...the nudist part of the parade wasn't especially enjoyable for them, its a bunch of saggy, naked old men usually, not the best sight at pride, but lets not get discriminatory here. If ya don't wanna see it, stay at home.

As much as I didn't want to hang out with my parents that day, curiosity got the better of me...I was dying to hear what they had to say...especially after I saw this multi-cultural group in the parade...and one of the guys was holding a Pakistani flag (had his face mostly covered with a black hoodie though, poor guy)...so we gave 'em a call and found them in a food court near by. My dad was sitting there looking particularly shocked, and my mom was all bubbly and full of stories. Typical. My dad was pissed, especially at the Pakistani guy. I couldn't really reason with him. He doesn't explain why this angers him so much...it just does. But like I said before, so does sexuality in general...he is a product of migration and partition between India and Pakistan, he has witnessed countless horrific things since childhood. He has seen things like death, burning, disease....to him these are real problems....and such flamboyant displays of sexuality are just not serious enough to be treated as issues.

Back in his time people didn't have the courage to demand such rights, they were just happy they survived the migration. There was no place for things like orientation amidst things like hunger, poverty, losing loved ones, watching people be hacked to death....

But I digress, this isn't a post about my dad, in fact its a post about stuff he's not very fond of at all...like I said, I can forgive and almost understand his reluctance to accept anything that's different from what he's used to. But what I don't get is how and why many young, educated people are so intolerant of homosexuality.

There's a couple of types that specifically piss me off;

(*Jahil = Illiterate)

1) The complete 'Jahil'*: this kind of person is the worst by far, doesn't know jack about anything...and will usually quote something like religion, with no logic or reason to back their hatred of homosexuality. Don't bother arguing, or trying to explain anything to them, because they usually have the intellect of a squirrel, with really thick skulls that are virtually impenetrable. Sadly some of them are totally and hypocritically gay themselves.

When writing about these freaks I'm reminded of a news report I saw in Karachi approximately 5 yrs ago; it was about a (bearded)Muslim man who confessed to the imam of his mosque that he was acting out on his homosexual desires, the imam told him that that was a sin and to absolve himself he should sacrifice something that was dear to him....what this scrotumface translated that into was ghastly beyond words. He thought the only way his gayness would be 'cured' and forgiven was if he chopped the heads off all 3 of his sleeping children. And so that's what this asshole did. I don't know what became of him.....but for fucks sake....its idiots like that that give Islam a bad name. And what a dickwad imam too.... ugh.... none of this would happen if our people were more educated.

2)The 'Educated' Jahil: A living, breathing oxymoron. They're hard to figure out really, they live amongst us, they're doctors, teachers, lawyers...etc. And you won't be able to tell at first, because they're seemingly learned...well-traveled...but then one day you're having a conversation with them and they'll say something like, "omg, there's a gay guy at my work...its so disgusting, its just not natural" And be warned, that'll completely catch you off guard..but remain calm - because getting ur panties in a bunch and trying to argue with these types is pretty pointless too. Their educated side has usually been glazed over with a wash of blind faith. And I have no problem with people of religion, as long as their critical thinking skills and logic remain intact.

3)The Pseudo-liberal Ignoramus: this kind of person likes to pretend they're ok with everything when they're really not. They'll usually say things that'll clue you in to their particular condition. Something like, "Oh I'm fine with gay people as long as they don't try to hit on me." Wtf does that mean? really...you think you're that attractive that you'll tempt every single gay person of the same sex that you cross paths with...? Its just as ludicrous as a straight person assuming that everyone of the opposite sex wants to sleep with them (ugh and those exist too)...or they might say something like, "I'm fine with gay people as long as they don't touch each other in front of me..." So its ok for you to suck your ugly partners face in front of everyone but gay people need to keep it in the bedroom? That's bullshit.

4) The Double-Standard Douche: Sadly, this type is almost always male. Will make it clear that he's not ok with male homosexuality, but will make it a point to specify that he's fine with lesbians....will usually follow this up with a comment on how he'd like to 'do it' with a lesbian. Sorry dumbass....a lesbian's not likely to do it with you....especially you! And I'm not trying to say that any guy with a lesbian fantasy is a dick....just the ones that are homophobes at the same time. Cuz yeah, lets face it... most guys love the idea of two ladies gettin' it on...and if you aren't a homo-hater, there ain't nothing wrong with visualizing two lovely ladies. But if you hate homosexuality.. then stick with it asshole... be consistent, don't drop the hate when its convenient.

---

There ya have it folks, those are the main types I've been able to identify...feel free to let me know if you've spotted any other varieties. If you really want to be sure you aren't catching homophobe cooties...then print out the following picture (i took it at the Parade, you're welcome :P)...keep it in your wallet...if ever in doubt...pull it out, and all possible homophobes will clear the room!



I kid, I kid.....seriously, that picture could send a lot of perfectly nice people screaming if they aren't expecting it...sooo don't subject unsuspecting passersby to it. However, if you really want to, you can link em to the blog.

And for those of you whose eyes are burning from the previous visual, I'll post a picture that turned up on my camera after my husband was holding it for a while.



Ah Pride....something for everyone... really. :)

---
On a more serious note however, sometimes I get comments like this from readers,

On Homosexuality:

I don’t believe its natural, most homosexuals I know of turned gay after some incident,esp. something in their childhood…for me the thought of having feelings for a person of the same gender is just way out there for me to be able to comprehend it…

On Gender Reassignment:

Against it, we are who we are born and we need to respect that…changing genders is
disgusting for me, each gender is special and we should all value what we have and
embrace and enjoy it, not go looking for something else…the grass isn’t always greener
on the other side…

If that's how you're feeling, then I'd love to talk...maybe a little more information could sway you...and maybe not - but either way discussion is always healthy.

Don't fuck the Dead....

It might be Halloween, but this shit is creepy to a whole other level. I honestly never thought I'd come across a story about a necrophiliac in Karachi...

Apparently a 28 year old caretaker at a Paposh Nagar graveyard has been charged with Necrophilia...and with possession of Hashish too....theres a joke in there somewhere, but I'll spare you..it'd be in bad taste anyhow :P

I mean, desi guys don't fuck dead people....sure they may eat dead people, as we all heard about that jaw-dropping cannibal story recently. They may fuck donkeys, siblings, children.... but dead people? I wouldn't 'a thought in a million years. I always assumed necrophilia was a western phenomenon, where people fucked themselves to boredom, or had taken experimentation to a sick new level. As great as sex is, it can definitely be a doorway to some seriously dark stuff - if you're twistedly inclined that is. And by dark stuff, i don't mean whips and chains... i mean crap like this - violating dead bodies...

*shudder*

How does one get into that anyhow? I mean...something has to have broken inside you, somewhere along the way...

In university, I wore a lot of black, like A LOT. and I hung out with a bunch of people that wore black too. When we walked around it was like a giant black cloud of lace and boots, and fishnet, spikes....black eye shadow...and neon hair. Of course, we often frightened the mainstreamers....and it was fun. Sometimes we'd sit at the campus pub being stared at by a group of jocks, and we'd toast to something ridiculous like 'necrophilia' - and then we'd just sit back... watch them whisper, and freak the fuck out. Seriously...people actually believed we were into necrophilia. We only toasted to it because that's how ludicrous and far removed from our lives it was. But I'm assuming all the dark clothing, make up, piercings, skull paraphernalia made 'em assume that we were some really messed up individuals.

The reason I bring this story up is to illustrate the point that you can't really judge someone by the way they look. Obviously necrophilia is as disturbing to me as it is to the average person, doesn't matter how many skulls I used to wear in college. And in the same way, if you put any Pakistani male in front of me... I'd never ever....ever....imagine that he liked to screw corpses. It's mind-boggling really.

I wouldn't even have heard of this story if i wasn't at my parents house this past weekend....my dad always rebelliously turns the Geo on, no matter how many people in the room are begging him not to. But this time it was actually interesting(and I'm not saying that news about Pakistan is usually of no interest to me, but its sadly always the same. Between that and the difficult Urdu they use in the news, I quickly lose interest)... my mom gasped and said "What is our country coming to...there is a man raping dead women in Karachi!!"

I nodded blankly, as I normally do, and then did a double take "WHaa-AAt!? Sex with dead bodies in our holy motherland?"

My dad quickly changed the channel and pretended it didn't happen, in true Pakistani form....denial..denial...denial....la la la la....

This is no joking matter, of course.... but pretending it never happened won't go away. I wonder how many cases like this have remained unreported in our country, just because its too disturbing an issue to dive into.

Open up and speak people, share your thoughts...talk to your friends and family. See what they have to say about this story. Pakistani sexuality obviously has layers and aspects that have previously been unheard of. We at least need to be aware of such things. Don't be my dad, and don't just change the channel. (He's an awesome guy...just can't deal with disturbing things...its the way he was raised...so don't be raisin' ur baby pakis like that :) )

Zarina Aunty ke sath Aik he Bed per Sleeping...

Now in the past I've said that interview-wise, the men have been less than exciting, and its always women who have a lot to say... but I take that back. My next interviewee is none other than NJ from my last post. And boy he's got plenty to say...not only are his stories...umm interesting, to say the least, but his choice of words is rather unique as well. He is certainly not shy about sharing details.

Instead of writing a few points at the end, I'm going to tackle this question by question...i just have too much to say.

(Also please note, that this is not NJ's entire interview, only the topics I've covered so far have been included...the rest will follow soon)

NJ, 42, Male

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

well I think nature played its role. Very young age while playing with my m(ale) friend & neighbor we tried to experiment smelling & sucking licking each others penis & butts.

Well, thanks for that very clear visual NJ, I do appreciate your honesty, but you forgot to mention around what age this experience occurred. Also, I'm sure you're not the only one who discovered sex like this, a lot of kids especially in countries like ours where there is little emphasis on sex education, often come across it through experimentation. It's the only resource kids have in such situations, and often it's same sex experimentation at that, not because of orientation, but because that's whats accessible. Believe me this is not the first story I've heard of its kind. I've heard of at least one or two coming from several different family friends...

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

Yes sure it is. Since we don’t have sex education system so we learn very early age by experimenting. In my case; I belong to northern somehow conservative village background.

And that's often the case, the more conservative your upbringing, the more 'hands on' people will get to experiment with sexuality. It's just too strong a drive to be repressed by the rules conservative society imposes. There's really no point in hushing talk about it or looking down upon it, since it finds a way to express itself. The tighter the reins, the crazier the outcome. And I'm sure no parents want their kids experimenting with sexual acts at a young age....so we might as well acknowledge its existence and educate our kids properly from the start (and by 'start' i don't mean newborns, so don't get your panties in a bunch, i mean at an appropriate young age).

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?

Yeah I think I had many adventures in my youth both male & female.

Even though this is an anonymous space NJ, Its impressive that you're comfortable enough with your own sexuality to acknowledge that you enjoy experiences with both sexes. Many people from conservative backgrounds would often even deny it to themselves, let alone put it in writing. So...good on you!

On premarital sex:

Well real sex I had was with a prostitute.

Not sure I understand what you mean here, I thought u had lots of experiences? Or are you only counting penetrative sex as 'real sex' ? A prostitute eh? well, another one of my interviewees said he lost his virginity that way...I'm guessing its a pretty common way for young Pakistani men (who don't have access to willing partners)to experience sex before marriage. That can't be a good thing. Horny teenagers that are uneducated about sex + prostitutes.... not only is the risk of disease or impregnation high, but the way our society is set up, the opportunity for exploiting women is immense in these situations.

On Arranged Marriage:

Yes I am. In my opinion arranged marriages within relatives don’t have that sex appeal. You know I am more into smells and hormones things. And since most paki girls don’t know about sex, so its just put off the lights, undress yourself then open her shilwar nala while shes agitating... then put some lotion or spit on your penis head and thrust holding her legs on your shoulders.

Not much foreplay or sucking licking. Its just husband wife sex you know to get her prego not for enjoyment or orgasms. In my case I did lick her pussy & ass many times but 1st asked her to wash ofcourse. But she hate sucking saying that "is men se ganda pani nikalta hai" just holding my cock and looking at it and kissing on the shaft only. I encouraged her by showing x movies but once she did take its head in mouth but quickly spat out saying "nahi ganda hai". i tried to teach her 69 position she on top now which she likes but still not sucking my penis or balls just holding it with hand and I think smelling & cheek kissing only while I exploring her cunt clits and asshole. Yeah and I think she likes ass licking and fingering which I can feel from her gasps.

Btw I was told by many f that I am very good in bed wild versatile sex player plus attractive gud looking guy. The only negative part is I envy guys with huge penis like in porno and mine cock is bit bent on right side maybe coz of too much musterbating since I was in 7th or 8 grade.

Wow. Your descriptive writing skills and use of sensory detail is quite unlike anything I've come across before. I had to dig through the er 'fluff' but you did bring up some things that are definitely worth mentioning; The way I see it, you're saying that arranged marriage involves too much of an arrangement for the sex to be passionate. It's more of a chore, something you must do to procreate (have children). From what you say, I gather that you feel like there is a lot lacking in bed, because of the 'arranged' element of your marriage. Well, that is certainly one way of looking at it. A very valid point too. I'm sure there are many people in the same situation as you, where they have been married off to some relative and sex just becomes a task, like any other. I myself struggle to understand how you can find passion and desire for someone you didn't choose to sleep with, but I do know it happens.

What I find interesting though, is despite your arranged marriage, and your lack of excitement about the sex you have with your spouse, you still try to experiment and introduce her to new things, positions, etc. That's not something I'd expect from someone coming from a conservative background. You learn something new everyday eh? And you also seem to care about pleasing her, which is excellent. I know a lot of guys find the idea of performing oral sex disgusting, but are completely fine with being on the receiving end. Seems like you don't have double standards such as those...As for her not liking certain activities, my advice to you would be...never force her to do something she's not comfortable with, and secondly, be gentle, romantic... show her you love her and maybe that will make her want to do something special for you. Good luck with that NJ.

The last thing i wanted to point out is, as far as I know, no you cannot get a bent penis from masturbation. However sometimes if you're rough during intercourse or while masturbating, you can create small cuts on your penis, and when those heal, the scar tissue can be a bit tight, causing the penis to pull in one direction, giving it the appearance of being slightly bent.

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?

Yes countless. Both male & female.

Do you think sex is something that should be explored and experimented with or should one always stick with what they know?

Well I think nature plays its role always. When I go back to my childhood I once saw a village girl my age bend on her 4 in corn field and her dogy trying to fuck her riding on her back. Later when grown up and I watch animal sex movie where a dogy fucking a female and licking her pussy I understood what that was in childhood corn field.

You have seen and experienced quite a lot of disturbing things, haven't you? No child should have to see that, ever.

On Sex & Equality:

Yes a female should also open up and talk abt enjoying orgasms. She should not be over shy. Just like us male talk fuck whatever in our mind she should also enjoy her sexual fantasies.

That's pretty open minded. I'm glad you think that men and women alike should be free to express their sexuality without being judged.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?

Well I am not that high educated I cant get this question but one thing I agree when a husband can screw around and enjoy his fantasies and all women desi or badesi know it then why don’t they fuck around also and enjoy different smells and sized and fantasies. You know if you eat same food everyday it makes you boring

So what you're saying is that the double standards surrounding men and women's sexual desires are bullshit? Why yes, I completely agree.

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

In younger age yes 5 to 6 in a single night. But some female had multiple orgasms I know while l lick their pussy & clit and same time finger her ass.

Its great that you're so into 'technique' as opposed to just thrusting in and out.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?

No never. Do you think men also have G spot. For female yes I know I have tried to please many when I hold my erect cock in hand then rub its hard mushroom head just above opening of vagina under clitories. Some time with tongue & finger upper inside of pussy. But one thing makes me rock hard she sucking my balls one by one in her/his mouth and holding erect cock in hand or mutual licking of ass.

Well, the prostate is basically what's known as the male g-spot.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

Yes many prostituetes don’t have orgasm maybe fake yes. And also uneducated desi wifes don’t enjoy orgasms its just lying down legs on shoulder and finishing off within few minutes. But many non desi female & boys do love sex and know how to enjoy and have orgasms.

I'm sure it would be draining as well as a waste of time and effort for a prostitute to attempt to have an orgasm every time. it just wouldn't make business sense. Its a shame though, that that's your impression of uneducated desi wives in general. And I'm not saying that you're wrong (you're probably right, unfortunately - for multiple reasons). But why is it that you think this group of women doesn't have orgasms often?


Do you think about sex everyday? How often?

Oh yeah all the times since I was 11/12. even now while I am typing this in my office I have a stripper Filipina girl musterbating on her webcam I can even see some white creamy gel dripping out her pussy. And also d******g.com & s*****d.com both windows open. It makes me very hot horny to watch Pakistani hidden cam clips where she is not aware of hidden cam and fucks with her neighbor boy or a uncle.

Incest turns you on? why the uncle? I'm not judging, but honestly...why?

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NJ seems to have a thing for aunties and uncles I guess, I'm reminded of his comment from a previous post:

"Lady your blogs great reading stuff for curious men like me..
Aaaaah Bachpan.... relative ki shadi per raat ko Zarina aunty ke sath aik he bed per sleeping aur slowly pulling her shilwar down from behind and inserting willy in her butt crack (heavy heartbeats) and cuming quickly then pulling up her shilwar to its place.
Funny thing in the morning having b/fast together Ammi Razia aunty me and others... Razia aunty teasing me pinching my cheek and saying oooh T.... sahb bhi is shadi mein aye hain... Wah"

Now as disturbing as that sounds, having sexual relations with an aunt or cousin or some other female relative seems to be a common fantasy in our country (and of course, doing your cousin isn't considered incest either, but pardon me if i still find it icky)...not too long ago I got an email from a local Pakistani artist who writes and illustrates 'adult comics' of course, they can't be published or distributed in our country, so they're not available at your local news stand unfortunately. But hey here's a peek. I saw this and thought of NJ.

I normally don't post drawings this graphic for the fear of giving some sleazeball a hard on, and a reason to jerk off to the blog. But hey, as I've been informed by a couple of readers... they're jerking off to the blog already. Not much I can do...just a pity that they're missing the point..anyhoo, this great artist is known as J, enjoy....:

















it makes your skin crawl, doesn't it? But thats why its excellent.... its the pure rawness and crudeness of it that makes it so real. Its so very disgusting, that its right on point.

And hey, if anyone else has something relevant to the blog and super interesting to share, don't hesitate to email me, nicemangosDOTblogATgmail :)

* * * * *

So back to NJ's interview:


Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?

You know jeddah ksa well since you lived here. You can find much stuff here if you can afford and if you go around malls if no f(emale) you can find plenty of gay boys. Most men I know look around daily for a girl and they end up with a Filipino smooth boy just thinking his butts and body is smooth like a girl. lol

So you're an expat, living in Jeddah then? Yes, i do know that men make do with whatever they have available there.

On Masturbation:

Yes it a fact that all men do musterbate I don’t know about female but I am sure 100%did musterbate in lifetime. And its good to release your tensions. To not become crazy and raping some female like once we saw a pathan labourer taking a young girl coming home from school to a empty plot and raping her by force in day light.

What the fuck?! You saw someone being raped? and you didnt do anything about it? This is where I become judgemental. What the fuck.... seriously. How can anyone watch that happen. I am truly beyond words. This is precisely the kind of shit that needs to stop going unnoticed in our country. I'm appalled that this could be brought up casually in a conversation....with no mention of what you did to help this girl....


Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you?

It depends if I liked her and found attraction. But I think its not fair a male can go fuck around and if a girl talks with a stranger male shes beaten to death. It is not fair.

At least you acknowledge how wrong that is.

On Pornography:

Yeah its good for breaking some taboos. And also learning new technics but it makes most men inferior seeing Holmes donkey like penis compare to their average sizes.

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?

I think I told you about that village girl in corn field.

N.B. if you wanna know about my encounters, adventures its too long needs a book to be written.

* * * *

Honestly, my head is still reeling from the story about the girl and the labourers. Where do I go from that.... nothing else to say for now. Such a shame.