Thursday, August 23, 2012

"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross"

So the other day I received an email from Fahmida who wanted to share her story. I think its a very important one too.... because I'm sure a lot of women (especially Pakistani), can relate - but they may not have the courage to speak up....So thanks Fahmida for voicing are a brave, strong and wonderful woman. 

Fahmida, 34, Female

I always make the most of what I have been given. I married very young because I fell in love and was so happy he chose me too.

My husband is my first and only sexual partner. I was young and eager to have a physical relationship with him. Just a little uninformed about how much time and patience it would take for me to appreciate my needs and have an honest relationship.

I raised 2 beautiful kids and even though it was tough to work, I tried to give them and our family everything. It did put a strain on our sex life as we had kids so fast. Despite the demands of parenthood we still connected regularly. My body was re-adjusting after giving birth and our experiences were more to satisfy him than me.

He was good to caress me, hold me after and make sure my emotional side was taken care of. Being postpartum, that was essential. Tenderness and gentility are paramount. We spooned a lot in those days as a gentler way to make love.

I breastfed both girls and although it was uncomfortable and awkward to be dripping milk at times, I would expose my breasts and offer them to my husband who expressed that he liked “big boobs”. He also would routinely caress them at night while I slept. Never realizing that the contact would cause me to lactate.

Now that I have lost all the baby weight and my breasts have dramatically reduced in size, I have been told that he prefers me larger. I needed to find other ways to make him happy. Forgetting about myself.

(That right there is where the issues begin I think, whether you're too big or too small, too tall, too short....women are very often held up to unrealistic standards. Yes, we're not all the same size, and telling us that we are 'preferred' one way or another can be incredibly damaging and hurtful. Especially in a 'loving' relationship....)

I started to perform oral sex on him because while I was pregnant I needed an alternative to intercourse. Hand jobs were for teenagers in cars or for desperate times.

(So you didn't have oral sex before you got pregnant? Also, I don't know what your specific pregnancies were like, but for most healthy pregnancies intercourse is ok right till the very end [unless your doctor has specified otherwise]... but yes, I'm sure manoeuvring a giant belly isn't easy, so I totally get how you wouldn't be into penetrative sex during those days) 

He was able to tell me what he wanted and how he liked me to suck his balls. I didn’t like it at first but he was so into it and really enjoyed it. I learned to please him more and actually read an article by a porn star on how your tongue can be your best friend. I almost got a sense of power and thrill at how I could look up at him and see him so in the moment, being intoxicated with pleasure, by me.

(And that's how it should be for both parties involved, there is a sense of pleasure and achievement in satisfying your partner - especially if there is love. Sex that is solely for one's own pleasure, might as well be masturbation...what is the point of connecting with another person in that way if you don't care to see them through to the other side?)

He was so keen for me to go down on him that after the births of our kids, I actually gave him blow jobs in the hospital late at night after the babies were asleep and family was gone.

(Wow, What? How on earth did you have the energy/stamina/desire to do that after doing something fucking excruciating and life-changing like giving birth?! Even physical stamina aside, I imagine one is so emotionally drained that to get yourself in that mindset is a task and a half. The only thing that bothers me about this is if you didn't choose to do this yourself.... if you were in any way pressured into performing oral sex after childbirth...that is not ok. Sure its fine, and incredibly amazing if that's how you yourself were feeling, and chose to express your love in that way, but I'm just having a hard time believing that you or any woman would want to exert herself further, especially in a sexual way *right after childbirth* 

So once again, If you were in any way pressured/coaxed into it - that's a red flag for me.)

He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross and he actually gagged.

(This breaks my heart. It truly, truly does. No one deserves to have that happen to them. If he doesn't think that you going down on him is gross, then he should be fine with reciprocating. The double standard infuriates me and boggles my mind. I don't think you should put up with it. Honestly, he deserves a taste of his own medicine, if he thinks its gross - then its gross both ways. 

Don't do it any more. You are not his personal sex slave, that lives to please and satisfy him. You are a human being, who deserves to be appreciated too. I don't know how many countless (Pakistani/Desi/Muslim) women suffer through this same issue, my advice to all of them would be to stand up for themselves in the bedroom too. Sex is a very important part of your relationship and if you're not getting respect there, then you will probably not get it in other situations too. That cannot be a very happy way to live. You do not deserve that. If you're a desi man reading this, and you too refuse to 'travel south', then you should have the same standards when it comes to your own pleasure.  No cunnilingus (should) = No Fellatio. You got that? None of this double standard bullshit.)

I decided to take matters into my own hands- literally. After he finished and was washing up in the bathroom or showering, I would (and still) masturbate. I did not orgasm after our sex sessions but moaned and pretending to finish as to not hurt his ego.

(I hate to say this, because you do sound like you really love him - but maybe its time to stop caring about hurting his feelings, he certainly doesn't have any issue hurting yours)

I have a nice figure and have enjoyed dressing up in the privacy of our room for him: mini skirts, strapless dresses, lacy bras, beaded thongs, garter belts and leather boots. I had been advised that good wives dress up for their husbands. So I did.

(You sound like an amazing person who is willing to try anything to please the person she loves, but these things have to be reciprocated... there isn't much point if one person tries and tries... and eventually burns out)

Only after a huge fight did I address that he looked sloppy and disgusting in shorts and a ripped t-shirt while I looked like I was going to a club, so could HE make an effort? Just his penis wasn’t doing enough for me.

It was the first time I had vocalized any preference in the bedroom.
I have continued to enjoy dressing up and even discussed the possibility of role playing. He decided that it was beyond his mental bandwidth. Translated: “Too much work. Far easier to have wife in a tight, white blouse, black miniskirt, no underwear with patent-leather 4 inch heels, sucking on my dick”.

(If you enjoy it, that's great...dressing up and feeling good about it can do wonders for your self-esteem. But let me get this straight, so you vocalized the issue and he just brushed it off... and yet you continued to do everything in your power to please him? My dear, sweet Fahmida, thats not going to work for too long, because you are a mere mortal. You can't just keep going endlessly, at some point you will break...don't let that happen to yourself.)

I decided to empower myself and dress up for me. I have worked hard on my body and am often told I appear to be 10 years younger than I am. I will get dolled up and appreciate my ass in lacy, black, brazilian-cut panties.

After being married for a decade, I turned 30 and felt my body start to yearn for physical completion. My body was urging touch, taste, feel and sound in a sometimes aggressive manner. I didn’t feel so gentle and tender anymore. I wanted to grab him, suck, be held, struggle and claw, tie him up and let him watch. I wanted him to hold me up against a wall, use his tongue unabashedly and maybe even turn me over and go at me from the back, side, legs up, sideways, straddle on a chair, on the stairs... I really am open to trying new things out.

(Any man would be lucky to have you, and I'm sure some of the ones reading are wishing they did, for realz.)

We don’t live in a joint family so we have privacy to have sex anywhere. Just as long as the girls are not around or awake to witness.

I told him that I enjoyed him coming home after working out and having perspired. For some reason I enjoyed tasting the salty-ness of his sweat. He replied that it was “gross” and he needed to shower before having sex.

I realized my preferences may not be honoured but I kept pressing the issue.
For my voice and needs to be recognized was/is so important.

I am open to trying new positions to escape the boring, missionary-style sex. I really couldn’t enjoy being on top until after the girls were born. I was too tight and although confident in my personality- still very shy in my sexuality.

My first *enjoyable* experience being on top was an epiphany. It was the first time I had an orgasm after 5 years of marriage. We had tried before it was never comfortable for me and I was too stiff to relax.

(So the first time you ever had an orgasm was after 5 years of being married? Or an orgasm through penetrative sex you mean?)

Now, my favourite position is being on top but it poses a difficulty for my husband. He is “too aroused” by me on top and cums too quickly.

(Tell him to try 'relieving' himself earlier in the day, beforehand..that might help him last longer)

So, I am laid on my back and pounded for less than a minute and have to make sounds pretending that I am in the throws of ecstasy.

(You don't have to just lie there and fake it you know, you should address this issue. If he can't be hard for longer than a minute, there are doctors and things for that. If he's not comfortable with that... then he has to be open to pleasing you in other ways... I think its time you let him know that one minute of pounding ain't doing shit. That's why he has a tongue and 10 fingers, and all the toys in the world available to please his partner.)

Even him being behind me is not possible because he says I am too lubricated and he gets soft.

(You being *too* lubricated makes him soft? Thats the first time I've heard that...?)

After 16 years and I am still devoted... but I have to draw the line.

I have been sexually starved for far too long. In the last 2 years I have orgasmed maybe a dozen times.

That is even after having sex at least 4-5 times a week. Frustrating is an understatement.

(After 2 kids and 16 years of marriage, you have sex 4-5 times a week?! On the surface that sounds amazing...but if each time its sex without orgasm, I can understand your frustration. The term 'blue balls' exists for men... I wonder if they even have an equivalent term for women)

I love my husband. He loves me. Neither of us has ever strayed even though opportunity has

I have started demanding longer, better sex where I feel I need it. I want penetration to last more than 40 seconds if and when he is able to stay hard.

I want mutually fulfilling foreplay - not always me giving him a blow job so he can get hard.

I also want to create equality in our bed. Where I can talk dirty and he not be offended by my forwardness. His manhood is thrusting in me so I think it’s OK for me to say “fuck me longer- harder” in a gentle and pleading whisper.

(Wait, he's offended by your dirty talk? Wtf! If he's a particularly religious man (and I'm getting the sense he is), maybe you could look up stuff from the more 'progressive' Islamic schools of thought. Where lots of regular sex stuff is ok as long as you are in a *hetero-marriage* No anal, but least there will be some supporting religio-stuff to quote and study together? Have you tried speaking to him about this? That its something you like to do? Seems to me like he cuts you off every step of the way...your needs and desires don't seem to be of *any* importance to him... and that indicates a deeper that goes beyond the sexual realm. Huge red flag.)

I want to be able to climb on top of him and grind with clothes on just to excite myself without him looking embarrassed and awkward.

(He sounds like he's super oldschool... is he 98?)

I want to be told “YES!” when I want to get laid as opposed to “I have a squash game early tomorrow and need to rest”; just like when I was exhausted and still made efforts to please out of love.

I want him to go to a doctor like I have requested umpteen times and get himself checked out so he can retain an erection and not just get soft as blood is pumping through my body and I am about to explode. .

I want him to try harder to please me even if it makes him gag. Or think about getting toys that may do the trick in a non-intimidating and sensual manner.

I can bring a magazine article or book and not be seen as “besharam” (shameless).

(I'm so sorry that he has an issue with almost everything sexual, unless its *his* needs being taken care of. I'm sure that there are thousands of women out there in similar situations. It makes me wonder about your husband though.... what makes him so uncomfortable about sex, with his own wife? Do you think its possible he had some kind of awful experience earlier in his life that is affecting him this way? Do you think it's the values he's learned from traditional religious control on sexuality?)

Acquiring a lover is too much work and morally wrong to me. It is also too many logistics and uncertainty.

Getting an escort to meet my needs is not something I would consider. Ever.

Perhaps my options are limited. I love my partner, our family and what we have built. But my body is  screaming and urging me to address this issue and get myself taken care of.

There is love in marriage. There is compassion. There is sharing. There is compromise. There is generosity. All under the umbrella of sexual fulfillment. And I am entitled to it. I deserve it.

*       *       *

You articulate it so well, you definitely deserve it - and I think it's getting to a point where you need to address it or something will snap... it seems like things are at a tipping point right now. My advice to you would be an open, honest conversation. Sure, feelings will be hurt, he may be shocked...appalled even, at your 'shamelessness' and forwardness about female sexuality. But you need to address this pronto. I don't feel like you guys are on the same page about this at all. That misalignment of values could lead to something much bigger in the future.

I have received several emails about Oral sex and how it plays out in our culture, so I will be posting those soon too. But for now, my heart goes out to you Fahmida - you sound like the most caring and amazing wife, please don't continue to put yourself through this.

*       *       *

Update: It seems Fahmida's husband somehow figured out this story was about him (crap), despite details being changed. :/  Please remember folks, to clear 'paper trails' (e-trails) to my blog if your computer/phone is not private.

He left this comment below:

Oh Enemies of yourselves. Be mindful of Allah and be mindful of the day you have to stand before Allah and recount the time you've wasted, for it is time you will not get back.

This is "Fahmida's" husband. Your comments are sad reflection of privileged first world problems, as is her one-sided and highly inaccurate account. "Selective Memory" is a terrible problem, but in no matter do I care for a rebuttal.

What I do care for is to remind myself first and then you that these are matters to be decided upon. 

Decide if you want to bear with patience and work through, or decide for divorce, which "Fahmida" knows full well she's been offered many times.

But decide, then move on. You have been given permission by your Lord to decide and move on.

You have not been given permission to indulge and write, and gossip and plot and plan and complain publicly.

Learn about your Deen. And learn one of the biggest responsibilities of our time here on earth is to spread the message of Islam and help those who TRULY are in need.

Not to endulge online in first world problems. Yes, many Muslim Women are sexually unsatisfied. Guess what, many Men are too. Fantastic. Now decide what you want to do and MOVE ON.

Take advantage of whatever you can of this temporary existence so you can actually get somewhere great (Jannah).

But if you can't move on from these online drugs (blogs, twitter, facebook, porn sites). Then at least do yourself a favour and spend time on-line finding out what the Prophet (pbuh) and his beloved Companions (ra) did in regards to sex, relationships, etc.
Umm...seriously? Like marry six year olds? Consider puberty to be the age of consent? 

At least that way you may be able to say you "spent" your time wisely. For they were the ones we know for sure to have been successful.

We can't say the same for those around us. It may be that Fahmida is a woman of Paradise married to a man of Hell. Why does she want sexual satisfaction from a man of Hell?

What does any of this article matter then?

Or vice versa.

Don't be enemies of yourself. You have an ETERNITY to worry about. Move on, and worry about it, rather then the temporary goods of your time here.

I pray to Allah for Guidance and Forgiveness for us all.

Assalamu alaikum, Anon.

I kinda assumed he was a fundie, sigh. It disturbs me when people put greater value on an unproven afterlife than the life they are currently *actually* living in.  I am also amused by how he equates twitter and blogs with porn. 

Poor Fahmida. My heart goes out to you. 

Friday, August 17, 2012

Usman's Story - It doesn't just happen to girls.

So I've been writing about swingers and orgies the last couple of times. It's been interesting...I personally don't have any experience with either - 'cept that I've been invited to some group 'activities' which I have politely declined. Yeah yeah, call me a prude. I just don't have it in me. I'm not a sharer, in that sense. 

Another related incident was when my husband and I went to the 'Everything About Sex Show' in Toronto... (Its really not as exciting as you'd think... a bunch of fancy sex toys for sale... some porn stars on display... and some saggy old nudists on stage..the only thing i bought that day was nailpolish, lol)

So we were just passing by this swinger's club booth...stopped for the sake of curiousity - the guy mistook it for genuine interest. He started chatting with me about how its safe and clean and they have rules.. etc etc... they only let couples in.. and even then they have the right to refuse anyone based just on their appearance...

He looks me and my husband up and down... and says "you two would get in, easy" .... hahah wtf.... I wondered what made him say that.... do we look like swingers? What do swingers look like? Maybe my skirt was too short...maybe its cuz of my piercings and tattoos - those are often the reason for people to jump to conclusions about me. But whatever... it made me laugh. 

We drive past that club sometimes and joke about going in. But its only jokes...seriously, I don't have it in me. 

Definitely not as sexually liberated as Aleena

*       *       *

But now we've talked about the light-hearted stuff, I'd like to get serious again and bring up the un-talked about topic of Child Sex Abuse in Pakistan...It doesn't just happen to girls, here is another story. This time from a male perspective:

Usman, 39, Male

My comments focus on situations where children are left alone with servants or other strangers/maulvis/family members but I think the crux of the problem lies in a lack of sex education in our society and the fact that parents never talk to their children about sex or sexual abuse. There is no equivalent term for "the birds and the bees" in our society and it's sad that they would rather risk their children's safety and future well being in return for living with their comfort zones and taboos. The only sex-ed that takes place is between a mother and her daughter about periods and puberty and some mothers even delay that until their daughters go through a traumatic and unexpected onset of puberty. 

Since boys don't need sanitary pads at age 13, there is no equivalent conversation between fathers and sons about erections, wet dreams, masturbation etc so they learn from the most weirdest and vile sources and go on to have twisted porn based notions of sexuality for the rest of their lives. Even if they are not abused, their mindset about sex and sexual health is pretty skewed.

I've been wanting to share my experience since some time now, since a lot of Pakistani parents leave their children with "trusted" servants or maids or think that their children are playing alone in the afternoon while they sleep. I feel children should not be left alone with anyone for an extended period of time, either inside the house or while being picked up by drivers from school etc. as this is the ideal setup for random or sustained sexual abuse. It just takes a few minutes for something to happen and children don't need to be away for hours in order to be raped. That's something that we all need to realize and be a bit paranoid about.

Parents need to establish an environment where their children are always around them or make sure that they are safely alone inside the home and not accessible by domestic staff or other neighbors, relatives etc. I feel this happens a lot in our society and I know of several people who have gone through similar or worse experiences.

My first "sexual" experience was around the age of 6-7,  where it was a game of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" with a couple of kids from the neighborhood. They were a year or so younger to me so I felt in control but their servant came once and wanted us to take off our shorts and that felt wrong, so I told them not to do anything in front of the "dirty" servant. We would be sitting in a corner in the summer afternoon and just take down our shorts a couple of inches and feel as if we had done something really naughty and it was our secret, not to be told to any elder. These things always start as harmless "games" and then spiral into something much worse.

The first attempted abuse I encountered was at the hands of my own servant, who was in his mid teens while I must have been 7-8. He told me to come inside his servant quarter so that he could show me his things and once I was inside, he asked me to sit in his lap. He slowly took off my shorts and told me that we will play a special game which I will really enjoy. He then exposed himself and made me sit on his lap without trying anything, since I was getting a bit uncomfortable. I told him that this game was physically impossible, since he was too big to enter me but he said that it will be okay once he is inside. Luckily, he did not try to rape me or force himself too much and tried to enter me "gently", which obviously felt weird and I jumped off and told him I was not interested in this stupid game and ran off. 
I don't remember the exact discussion that we had about keeping the game to ourselves but I did not feel the need to report him to my parents because he had stopped short of entering me. In my mind, he had done something wrong and crossed some line but since I had no physical pain or discomfort after the event, I did not feel as if I had been violated or that I needed to tell any elder in the family, specially since the servant was someone I used to play with on a daily basis.

A few years later when I was 12-13,  another servant who was just a couple of years older to me used to tell me his concepts of "sex-ed" and how babies are born and people have sex in their village etc. The takeaway of these sessions was that a man and a woman could have as much sex as they wanted and never have a baby as long as the woman peed after the act, because the "egg" was flushed out (I'm glad I didn't live my teens based on that assumption). We had also done a "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" a few times and used to lie down next to each other with our pants/shalwar off and just talk "adult stuff", without any physical contact. 

He had gone for a long vacation and came back much healthier than before. When I asked him about it, he said that he had had sex with his cousin in the village and that had given him the "power". The logic was that if you let someone enter you, the magical energy and fluid would enter you and transfer the power to you and make you strong, while the person entering would lose power and become weak. He said that friends took turns doing it but he was doing me a favor by giving all his power to me and not asking for anything in return. I was a bit older and luckily saw through the bullshit and told him that I was not interested. 

I also remembered the discomfort of my first experience and that was not something I was willing to repeat, even though this guy was my age and not so threatening. We ended up lying on top of each other and goofing off and he tried to force himself on me jokingly but I pushed him off and said that this was not on. I think the only thing that saved me was that he was roughly the same age and my "friend" and I could control the situation, otherwise it might have been worse. Had he raped me, I would definitely have told my parents at that age (or so I like to think in hindsight).

Another non-incident that I remember is the most slimy one in terms of childhood memories. I was playing in the lawn and the servant quarter had some guests of a Pathan servant of ours. They were talking in Pushto and just staring at me in a very slimy way, sort of stripping me with their eyes. They asked me to come inside the room and say hello but the vibe I got from them was really creepy. I just went back inside our home but I remember that incident as something that could definitely have ended up in some abuse, since they were outsiders and would not have been as scared as our servant in raping me. I must have been 7-8 years old at that time but the first incident had already occurred so I could relate with someone trying to enter me from the back. I guess once I grew up and got to know the prevalence of child abuse in the NWFP, I must have added some more "intent" to their gaze that day and understood why they were insisting on me coming in instead of them coming out to say hi.

I know my experiences are very minor compared to children who get raped or abused repeatedly but they just show the physical circumstances and situations that lead to larger patterns of abuse. I'm really lucky to escape without any physical or emotional harm and I have no psychological damage due to these incidents. In fact, they've just made me more careful about my own children and I'll hopefully be able to educate them to take better care of themselves in such situations.

My son is 4 so we haven't really discussed anything except for the fact that no one is supposed to touch his private parts or take his clothes off. We don't have a maid yet so it's mostly other female family members taking him to the toilet if both of us are busy.

We take care not to leave him alone with anyone and just stay alert ourselves, instead of scaring him too much. I think we'll be talking to him in a month or so when he starts school.

*         *         *

I think its great that you are teaching your son to be aware of inappropriate behaviour. I think every parent in Pakistan needs to have that talk with their kids. 

And such experiences are never minor in my opinion. Yes, you are truly lucky that you escaped rape almost three times! How horrific is it that so many similar instances can occur in one person's life... always with a different abuser?  I'm sure its not uncommon in Pakistan - multiple cases of abuse, with multiple abusers...happening to the same person. A real-life nightmare.

Its very fortunate indeed, that you feel you weren't psychologically harmed by feeling violated...most people carry it with them forever. As in my case, it was just the brush of a hand and no more but it affects me till today. 

On a more positive note however, we have had celebrities sign the petition, and people from the media show interest...we are also getting some interest from people in 'high places'. Let's hope it goes somewhere in terms of actually getting a Public Service Announcement on the air in Pakistan. (You can sign here) We still have a pathetic number of signatures considering the support we've received. I can only chalk it up to the fact that most of our people are lazy and indifferent about something that isn't affecting them directly. 

We never know how to come together to make a difference, that much is obvious just by the state our country's in. We recently celebrated another year of 'independence', another year of letting pedophiles roam free...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Happy Independence Day. Lets try to be a better country.

Happy Independence Day..... I have to say, that my strongest desire for the next year of Pakistan's existence is to make a difference with awareness regarding Child Sex Abuse. You can help. Sign the petition  and like the Facebook page .... spread the word... lets try to be a more sexually educated & aware nation in the coming years. 

Continuing in the spirit of Independence Day, here is the rest of Aleena's interview. I thought it'd be a good day to profile your average (not) Pakistani ;) 

 (Those of you who don't know who Aleena is...I suggest you read the last post, because well... she's quite an interesting person.)

The point to take home here is that despite the fact that she enjoys group sex, or enjoys swapping partners... has had incestuous thoughts about her mother... :O ...... The rest of her experiences/thoughts/opinions seem a lot like everyone else. 

Aleena, 20, Female

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

I was in 7th grade along with my sister and  we were really intrigued about the whole how babies came thing, so we bugged our mom and she ended up giving the exact 'angel dropped you off' reply, we weren’t convinced so I asked my elder cousin who lived with us, he didn’t give an actual reply but gave me his O Levels biology book and we read it, and even that didn’t have an actual passage on what actually created kids. 

Being girls we were allowed horrible dialup Internet under supervision only, so that was ruled out. Wasn’t till a year till some girls in school discovered about sex and told us two. Even when we had our first periods we weren’t told whats going on, we were just given pads and told to stuff them.

(Ummm wow.... the fact that you weren't told about what happens when you get your period ever.... and rather just told to deal with it yourself... is pretty awful... I remember when it happened to me... -and I had had Sex Ed. class, learned about it in detail-  I was still shocked/mortified/embarassed beyond belief, the first time is just so alien. I can't imagine how you would've processed that on your own :(  -- Future & present Pakistani mothers, if you're reading this...please do not leave your child to deal with this life changing experience on her own.)

My initial reaction was of surprise, why weren’t we told of this? why was this hushed? Do people actually do this? My sister found the whole sex ordeal pretty disgusting and refused to believe it.

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?

Pakistan being sexually repressed is an understatement, repressed doesn’t even come close to defining what we are in terms of sex. I switched over to O Levels after 8th grade so I was taught about sex etc, with special emphasis on bringing a female teacher to teach us that one particular chapter, our regular male teacher taught the boys, but my cousins who didn’t switch over weren’t even taught about it. Teachers outright refused, that’s how big of an issue it is. I don’t know if it’s in all schools or just the one my cousin studied in. I recall there was this school that wanted to bring sex ed in curriculum and it brewed such a big shitstorm that the school was forced to close down. Wtf honestly. When kids aren’t taught about these things in school, they experiment on their own and then it results in other things and the mullas start whining about modesty.

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?

I do have sex on a regular basis, and yes I enjoy it.

On premarital sex:

Premarital sex is fine as long as its consensual. I have engaged in it and have no regrets or guilt related to it. Sex is beautiful and everyone that wants to should engage in it, married or no

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?

Yes, and I don’t regret it one bit, I’m allowed to choose what’s best for me.

On Arranged Marriage: 

I’m not married and I don’t intend to be arranged married. Arrange marriages would be outlawed if I had power, every girl should be allowed to decide who she wants to marry, its her spending the rest of her life not her parents, why should they have a say about her choice in men? A couple of old school friends were married this year some of them to guys TWICE their age. 

Arranged Marriages do result in understandings of partner’s sexual needs/criteria but it takes a lot of time and most of the time its because they have no other choice, i.e they [women] are not allowed to have sex with anyone else and usually are stuck with the guy her parents picked, who cares if their daughter is gonna be satisfied by a guy that’s old enough to be her father, right?

On Sex & Equality:

I’ve read your blog a bit and most people said that the male honestly doesn’t care about the female’s pleasure. Well, sex like a relationship is about communication and if you don’t convey that you’re not satisfied, the male won’t find out since males are careless like that (hehe sorry) I wasn’t satisfied when I started out at first, it kinda felt incomplete, I’d still feel horny while my boyfriend would be exhausted. I was scared of telling him at first but then I finally did it and we came(pun intended) to an understanding, he started holding back till I actually reached orgasm and we tried to elongate our sexual encounters. 

Like I said you must tell him till he find out, my boyfriend didn’t... maybe other women’s don’t either, female orgasm is a complex thing and males most of the time don’t understand them/mistake them for something else. I suppose with the conservative population of ours that’s not entirely the case but then again I doubt that our conservatives actually have sex for pleasure rather just baby-making.

(You're right, communication is essential for a healthy sex life. I wish more Pakistani women wouldn't be afraid to voice their needs, desires, etc. But how could they when they'd be viewed as perverts, sluts, whores for even having a sex drive? ) 

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?

Well I’m gonna answer according to what I understood of this. 

Our society holds the feminine gender as the natural housekeeper, not allowed to pursue jobs/dreams etc, I know most people don’t agree but look around, ever seen a male 'maasi' (maid)? I certainly didn’t. Our society has relegated women to inferiority, Many of my friends wanted to go to Med School etc, realize their dreams, none of them except me made it. Why is that? Was a guy ever stopped from going to Engineering School or  whatnot? I know I’m generalizing and there will be exceptions but they are fewww. Way too less. 

I agree that men and women are physically different but our differences should be judged just physically. Men are not smarter or superior just because of what they have in their pants.

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

Just once. When I came before my partner and he ended up continuing so I kinda had two orgasms, one after another.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?

I actually think its a myth. There is no g-spot, I’m sure other women could clarify whether it exists or no, but I’ve never found mine.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

Most conservative housewives would be like that, and I doubt that they’d want to open up about it.

Do you think about sex every day?

Haha, yeah I probably do. I’d say 3-4 times in a day but that depends on my mood and the time of the month :(

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?

It certainly does, sex is a very relieving act for me . Helps relieve me of the usual normal stress fatigue.

On Masturbation:

For me masturbation is something I do when I have had a busy week and could haven’t sex and I’m pretty stressed, its a good way of relieving yourself, nothing compared to the real thing

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you? 

Thing is, If I’m gonna marry someone I’ll know him inside out first. If I’m marrying him then I’m darn sure that the guy has a personality to die for and I won’t care about minor inconveniences such as his cherry :p

On Pornography:

Porn is awesome :D Its unfortunately the only media in our country that lets us explore sex, that too was blocked recently. PTA pfft. I watch porn and so does my partner and other people I know. It should be free and available.

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country? 

I suppose it happens more in rural areas where women aren’t so open about sex to men so they go do a donkey or something. Personally I find it disgusting. No offense to anyone who commits in it.

(Aleena; I think its fine if u offend these sickos who take advantage of innocent animals.)

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?

Some people are homosexual, I don’t mind it. Not a big deal, I’m pretty tolerant. I’ve had feelings about other women too so its not a big deal.

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

Like I have said earlier if you want to move into the new century as a country and not be plagued with the rural areas ending up in amazingly high poverty because of 8+ kids of one woman, you NEED to go and educate people about sex. Mother’s need to educate girls about it, if they don’t want their daughters to go out and ‘explore’ and get knocked up at 18.

What kind of role do you think sex plays in religion?

The role that makes you feel guilty and/or regretful after doing it. I personally don’t like to associate the two.

Do you think we have a problem in this country with sexual predators and Paedophiles, and to what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world? 

Basically, Houston we have a problem. Ever since we were kids and we would go markets etc there would be that one shopkeeper who would be like, "beta idher aao yeh wala *insert random good here* dekho" and he would touch her and stuff, I still see that to this day in open markets and it makes me rage. How can parents be this dumb to not realize that the motherfucker is fondling your kid?

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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Incest, Orgies & Pakistan?!

On a lighter note from the last post; Congrats on making it past half of Ramadan to my open-minded Muslim readers, and uhh... happy Wednesday to all the others!

I was debating whether to do this post during Ramadan or not....because I know some of you refrain from reading the blog while fasting....and this post is just far too interesting to miss out on....

but then I thought, what the heck, If you're reading words penned by a sinner like me anyway, then you'll find a way to read the post - Whether you wait till after you've broken your fast or till after Ramadan....(OR you're just a hell bound heathen)....

I will point out one thing though, if you have issues with the sinful nature of this post - wtf are you doing here in the first place?

*        *         *

So, a couple of months ago I got the most interesting email in my inbox:

Hi, Eiynah.
I found out about your blog a couple of days before through a friend and was really hooked to it. Maybe its just me but you haven't done a post on swinging culture/groupies/incest, I have participated multiple times in those three types of sex so if you ever decide you wanted to know more about the pakistani culture of it, me and my partner will be more than happy to answer your questions anonymously. 
Thanks for running the blog, I'll keep reading it! Keep running it! Haters gonna hate :) 


Hi A.... I'd love to do a post on all of those things you've mentioned.. but havent come across any people that are willing to talk about it openly.... i'm thrilled that u are, especially because i have received several emails from people that want to read more about incest. But none that r willing to open up about it...

*        *         *

So naturally, I did what I do best; I interviewed her and her boyfriend. Apart from my standard interview, I wrote out some specific questions for the couple considering their unique situation... so lets start with those.

(I begin with questions about incest because as surprising as it may seem, I've received several emails asking me to write something about it. And honestly, thats a concept so unfamiliar and so unimaginable to me- that I can't really write much about it on my own, at least Aleena was willing to open up. I appreciate the courage that may have taken....and though I'm not here to judge at all.... just typing out the word has made me cringe. I'm not wired to be able to understand it - no matter how many cool shows like Game of Thrones feature still triggers a feeling of repulsion in me, as I'm sure it does with most people.. It does however, make me to what makes someone's mind wander in that direction....)

Aleena, Female, 20

Have you ever had any thoughts about or experiences with incest? 

Yes to both. I’ve had sex with my cousin. Growing up I started to get more and more fussy about it. What’s this all bout, what does it feel like, why was no one telling me about this? So I propositioned (seduced in a manner) one of my nicer cousins about exploring it out, and hence it happened. I was hooked and we did it a couple of times whenever his family went out and I went to his place to get ‘tutored’ 

At first I used to think a lot about my mom, being a single mom how’d she relieve herself. I have fantasized about her. Not ashamed to admit, if my mom was as liberal as I was I would have no issues making out or indulging in lesbian sex with her. She’s a beautiful woman and she needs to be appreciated. I don’t care what others think about it.

How do you feel about ‘incest’ in general?

I feel about it the same as other types of sex, All types of sex are fine as long as its consensual. I guess I’m fine with indulging in incest if given the chance, I’d indulge with almost every female member, no issues. With males, not so much. I  would never do it with a family member way older than me. I don’t mind cousins.

Do you think it occurs in Pakistan more than other countries? Why?

Its more to do with us being resourceful, take what you can. That’s what happened with me, I wanted to explore and had no one that I trusted to explore with hence I resorted to members in my own family. I’m pretty sure if I could have had the option of doing it with someone else back then (ie a boyfriend) I wouldn’t have done with it my cousin.

Have you ever had any experience with group sex?

I’m a regular participant in group sex. Me and my boyfriend are regular participants in group sex. We do it every week and its an amazing thrill, everyone should try it at least once.

Would you say there is an underground scene for those interested in group sex, in Pakistan?

There is, but group sex is about more than availability, its about trusting the other couples and privacy. There’s definitely a group sex scene in Pakistan but its hard to find trusting couples and a location to do it in.

There have been instances where the couples were filmed secretly and blackmailed, sometimes they were drugged and looted and raped. You have to have understanding with other couples, us for instance have a understanding of always using condoms, no matter what. So its all about trust. We were lucky to find these couples in our University so we don’t have any trust issues, our locations are usually owned by some of our couples’s contacts and are mostly secluded with no human element nearby.

(You're so young Aleena, but wise to sress the safety and trust element. Especially in a country like Pakistan where sex is so taboo, people could really exploit someone using a situation such as the one you describe. I would still say be VERY very as much background research on the people involved as you can....especially if you're letting a new couple into the group, i don't know what other precautions to tell you to take in terms of safety really...since I have no experience, but its a good idea to not let your guard down. Also, I'm glad you always use condoms. Its not worth it to risk disease and pregnancy. So keep doing what you're doing, and then some).

How did you become involved in group sex?

Me and him go to the same university, at first we were kinda loners and sticking with each other and not talking to other people. So it all started with one girl who started being friendly with me and him, she started using sexual innuendos in everyday conversations to test the waters about our sexuality and how open-minded we were. A couple of weeks later she actually told me in private about the group sex scene going on, even though I was immensely turned on by group sex I was shocked at first that yeh Scarf wali participates in group sex? Woah. She told me to talk to my bf about it and discuss it and that we didn’t have to participate and could just watch. Me and him spoke about it and agreed to go watch at first, that’s when we realized that it was such a huge turn-on being watched/watching. I was fine with interaction with other guys as long as it didn’t result in penetration, didn’t mind my boyfriend doing it with others so we told that to the other couples and they were okay with it. So it happened and it was amazing. Best sex we’ve had.

(Ummm what?! Are you saying the girl who first propositioned you wore a scarf on her head? I always have trouble relating to that kind of inconsistency)

Was it difficult to do, the first time around? What were you feeling?

Our first time we just let them start amongst themselves, we watched for a bit and opened up a little while later, just orally though. After a few minutes we opened up a bit more and had it in front of them, it was so amazing. I guess it was a bit difficult when the first time the other girl came over to him and did it with him but I went over to the other guys and soon the jealousy was gone.

Have you had any experiences with swapping/swinging?

I once tried it during one of our arrangements and allowed him to take another girl to a room while I went with the other guy, I tried but I could let him actually fuck me so I told him and gladly our friends are understanding so he didn’t force and we just ended it with Oral Sex. My boyfriend didn’t mind and he had fun with her (Men *sigh* :p)

If so, have you experienced any jealousy and how do you cope with such feelings?

It happened the first time after I kinda calmed down and realized that even though he was doing her he still loved me and cared for me. I did tell him that it was bugging me that he took the girls in private, but he’s such a sweetheart that he said we’d stop right away but I didn’t want that so we decided not to do it privately. Like I’ve said, its all about trust, and we trust each other a lot.

Was it you or your partner who brought it up the first time…and what was your/their response?

I brought the news to him and he just said that it did turn him on and if he wanted we could try it. I was pretty suspicious so I said we’d watch first and he agreed, thankfully I opened up and we did it.

Is there an actual ‘swinging’ scene in Pakistan?And how would one go about finding it? 

There is, you just need to know right people. Swinging differs on quality if you want a civilized couple you’ll need to look really hard, there are some cafes etc that you can find people in. I don’t know which because we’ve never needed them because of the couples we already know. 

If you are looking for cheap sex with two other people, you can just google search and there are lots of couples online, but I’d take my caution first. Some of them do exploit others, drugging/looting/raping etc. 

Only advice I’d give is insist on meeting the couple first in a cafe or something and get to know them before you trust them with your partner.

(Yes, stressing safety is key here.. I don't think it would be a wise idea to just meet people from a google search.... the drugging/looting/raping sounds horrific - but not surprising unfortunately, so it's probably best that you go through references for this kind of activity, and actually 'know' the people beforehand)

What are your thoughts on group sex/swinging in general?

Group sex and swinging are fun as long as the people associated with it are trustworthy and honest people. If you do find a consenting trustworthy couple, don’t give up the chance to try it out. Its amazing. Add a little spice to your life you won’t regret it :)

Do you ever have any feelings of guilt associated with partaking in the activities mentioned above? 

Guilt? Never. I had some difficulty coping with sharing my boyfriend with someone else but I got over it because me and him have a really strong trust-bond and that’s all its about, Trust. Never felt guilty of myself and never will.

(a google search did bring up some ads! whaddayaknow)

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Now for the male perspective. Here are Aleena's boyfriend's answers:

Faraz, Male, 20

Have you ever had any thoughts about or experiences with incest? 

I have touched, shown, seen my cousins, that’s about it.

How do you feel about ‘incest’ in general?

People like doing it. Most of friends have a thing for their sisters etc, I don’t mind incest as long it doesn’t happen in your own family.

(wow, did u say 'most' of your friends have a thing for their sisters? and they openly admit this? You know, that's actually quite unexpected [and disturbing] ... I was starting to get the feeling that incest is more common than I think in Pakistan, but I didn't expect anyone to say that 'most' of any group had a thing for it. Also, when u say u don't mind it as long as it doesn't happen in your own family -- i think thats the very definition of incest... so obviously... you perhaps have a bit of an issue with it as well.... I get that you're probably referring to it being ok as long as its with cousins etc. But in the context of Pakistani society, we can't really call sex amongst cousins 'incest' since its common practice for cousins to get married....but of course if you look at it from a Western perspective it most definitely is. I was raised to think of my cousins as siblings, but I don't think most people in Pakistan are....whatever the genetic disadvantages may be...but that's another post on its own.) 

Do you think it occurs in Pakistan more than other countries? Why?

Has to be the fact that your average joe is scared of doing a girl he doesn’t know and get beaten up by her family. So he resorts to people he already knows. Most people here can’t have sex w/o being crucified for it. So they rely on people they already trust I guess.

Have you ever had any experience with group sex?

I do participate in group sex. Me and my girlfriend are part of a group that has sex together. They all are from our university.

Would you say there is an underground scene for those interested in group sex, in Pakistan?

Defo, just gotta know the right people who are trustworthy and willing. Just google it up and you’ll see ad’s etc.

('Trustworthy' being the operative word, you can never be too safe in these situations... especially in Pakistan)

How did you become involved in group sex?

We got offered to join by the group in our University. So we just went and liked it. Being watched while having sex was such a thrill that we got hooked.

Was it difficult to do, the first time around? What were you feeling?

Was it difficult for me? Nope. The couples we were with were really friendly and didn’t try to force so that helped. We let them start first and got comfortable watching them so we decided to try having sex on subsequent weeks. Gotta say, loved it.

Have you had any experiences with swapping/swinging?

Well swapping per se. Not so much. Aleena, doesn’t like having other men inside her so she just offers oral to the guy we’re swapping with. So that’s that. Of course time to time she does let me do one of the other girls, so its like a partial swing. Still fun though.

If so, have you experienced any jealousy and how do you cope with such feelings?

Jealousy, first time only, after that it subsided and we got over it. I understand that she’s mine and its just sex. She understands too. When we first swapped she did have issues with me taking the other girl private, so we don’t swap private anymore. We’re both very understanding and if something she doesn’t like she just tells me.

Was it you or your partner who brought it up the first time…and what was your/their response?

Well, the girl from Uni asked Aleena first and she told me so she was pretty thrilled about it, ‘could be just like porn, but with real people’ so we talked about it, that would she mind if I had someone else, would I mind etc. Turns out we didnt and actually liked the idea a lot. I still wanted to see the couples if they were trustworthy, if we’d have privacy etc.

Is there an actual ‘swinging’ scene in Pakistan?And how would one go about finding it?

Kind of is. Should be I guess. You can just google for potential suitors or place  ad’s on adult pakistani sites. But that won’t tell you about the people you’ll be with you its sort of a huge gamble. Best bet is to get people you know, proposition them, who knows, they might be into it too.

What are your thoughts on group sex/swinging in general?

Well for me I love group sex more than any other kind, I don’t know why. Maybe its being watched, maybe its because of experimentation, maybe its the feel or seeing other people have sex while you are. Group sex and swinging are usually considerd the ‘wrong’ types of sex because of certain scandals etc. But if done with the trustworthy people you’ll have a lot of fun.

Do you ever have any feelings of guilt associated with partaking in the activities mentioned above?

Guilt? Never. The people we are with are extremely nice and friendly. Only way I’ll feel guilt if we get forced to do something.


Well, there ya have it folks....that was quite a loaded interview. Thank you to both Aleena and Faraz for being so open and sharing their experiences so that others may learn. Here are some key points to take away from this post (feel free to add more key points in the comments section below):

1) A seemingly large number of our population is interested in or at least intrigued by the idea of incest. :o

2) Group sex and swinging with strangers is almost always a risk... especially in Pakistan, so try to get to know the people beforehand. Do your research. Make sure you have a safe location, and make sure you go with a trusted partner. Googling for random partners is not the answer here. 

3) Condoms!! Safe sex is always important, but more so than ever in group situations. 

4) Have a pre-arranged set of rules with your partner, so there is no confusion once you're actually in the situation. 

Oh- and if you have any more questions for Aleena/Faraz you can post them in the comments section, and I'll try to get them to respond. 

The rest of Aleena's interview, next time!