Thursday, December 13, 2012

"...She gave me a speech about the size of my breasts..."

Natasha, 23, Female

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?

I vaguely remember a girl I went to school with [who my Mom didn’t approve of for being classless] whispering to me what ‘sex’ was at lunch time when I was about 6 years old.  I went home later that day, and decided to inform my Mom all about this ‘sex’ I’d heard of.  She sat me down, gave me a basic scientific speech, and told me that sex was an expression of love between an adult man and woman, and that was that.  I must admit, when the girl told me about sex, it sounded totally gross to me – probably normal for a six year old…

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?
Definitely.  The amount of attention women get on the streets is filthy, as a woman, you feel almost embarrassed to possess breasts when people look at you that way.  

Oh I totally agree, I remember going to the Sunday bazaars and other markets... not only being felt up in the crowds but fuck i have never had anyone look at me in such a 'molest-ey' way before... it was hella disturbing. They are practically salivating....sometimes my husband got stared at in that way too....There is just so much repressed sexuality, in my opinion, that there is no gay or straight in a lot of cases.... its just sexuality out of necessity....and its oozing out of them... the people... the men in the streets...they can hardly control themselves... my grandmother had her butt pinched at a market once... I mean, COME ON!!! *shudder* Sorry to interrupt, do continue;

This does not happen in the same manner or to the same extent in England, where there is less repression.

I honestly don't think that level of gawking and salivating happened in Saudi either... but the 'religious police' might've had a hand in that. I was in the Dominican Republic last week and I noticed that the male staff at the resort were really the least pervy men I've ever been around... they were surrounded 24/7 by women in thongs and bikinis... there were nip slips galore... and it didn't phase 'em. Like not in the least... they would never even glance at a girls behind...Everything was so open and free.. women were dressed so skimpily that the men had kind of become de-sensitized. I admit, I enjoyed the freedom to dress however I wanted and not be stared at, as a woman, it made me feel more human and less like an object. 

Whether that level of desensitization is a good thing or not is a whole other discussion...but put simply, yes I agree with u. The amount of exposure to women correlates with how much or how less they are perceived as an object. 

Our issues with sex are definitely multifactorial; Pakistanis are obsessed with gossiping and commenting on/having an opinion about EVERYTHING, no matter how unrelated to them it can be, and I see a lot of this in interactions with people.  Once, when I was about thirteen/fourteen, my father and I went to his village to give our condolences to the widow of his childhood friend.  I was meeting the unknown, unrelated woman for the first time in order to express my sadness at her husband’s [my father’s childhood friend] passing, and she gave me a speech about the size of my breasts, informing me that girls with big breasts were considered to be girls of bad character, and I should try to ‘do something’ about them.  Naturally, she didn’t specify WHAT I could do with the breasts that this stranger deemed too big, but nevertheless, she still had her opinions about my sexual organs.  The amount of wrong there is with a situation like this cannot be explained, but all of these issues with the female gender and sexuality feed in to each other, causing issues within Pakistan.

Wow there is all kinds of wrong happening in the situation you just described. And sadly, I'm not that surprised that a complete stranger felt it was her place to tell you how inappropriate your breasts were....when you were there to offer your condolences nonetheless. 

I have been in situations where my body parts have been scrutinized by strangers (in Pakistan)... In fact, I was at a wedding once....innocently dancing away... when one woman jumped up and asked that i be seated. She claimed that i looked too 'provocative' and was dancing in too attractive a manner to be seen in public. Now let me put this into context here; I was seventeen, a fucking kid. I was not stripping or grinding up against anyone... and to this day I have no clue what that woman found inappropriate about my dancing...All I know is that at some point she had wanted to approach my parents for rishta (marriage) purposes and thus felt that she had a right to my body. Anyhow, I prolly ruined my chances of getting a proposal from her son that night... and good for them, cuz I can't imagine them enjoying me laughing in their face. 

Anyhow.. back to the situation u described... I mean how sick is this woman that she puts aside grieving for her husband to tell you your breasts are too big. Not-so-subtly implying that you are a girl of bad character, for some physical characteristic you had no control over....what does she expect  you to do with them anyway? I would love to hear her'd prolly be something like put a dupatta over them, or wear loose fitting clothing...

I can't get over how inappropriate this woman is. her husband has died.... and that is why you are there...could she not control her urge to put you down for the time you were there so that she seemed more genuinely upset about her recent loss...? For fuck's sake, thats just manners...

Anyhow, hope u didn't take it personally... that woman was clearly nuts.  

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex? 
Yes, I’m sexually active, and immensely enjoy my sex life.  Sex can be loving and beautiful, it can be hot, therapeutic, comforting, cathartic, happiness inducing and great exercise, it has many different ‘faces’ and ‘effects’ and never monotonous.  In short, I think sex is the bees knees.

On premarital sex:
I do engage in premarital sex.  My current sexual partner is my boyfriend of almost two years, and we are in a loving happy relationship, which I find sex to be a very natural part of.  I feel that people’s sexual choices, as long as they are not physically or mentally abusive and between two consenting, competent adults, are their own to be made, and should not be dictated by anything else.  Living in England, I have an exposure to people who are virgins until marriage with limited contact with the opposite sex, as well as those who live on the other end of the sexual spectrum, and choose behavior characterized as more ‘promiscuous.’  I have seen pros and cons of both existences, and I definitely try to avoid judging either people’s choices.  I think living my own life, I have no right [or need] to judge others and their choices, and definitely should not have a ‘say’ in their bedroom activities.

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life? 

On Arranged Marriage: 
I am not married, and I do not know anyone in an arranged marriage, therefore have no perspective on its effects on sexuality.

On Sex & Equality:
It definitely can be equal. For instance, many acts, practices and positions can be enjoyed equally by both partners.  However, there are some that feel obliged to engage in things that do not give them pleasure solely for their partner’s pleasure, or because they think it is expected of them.  For instance, a man may not enjoy sex as much with a woman on top, however he may oblige her as it is a position that works better for her. Conversely, I have spoken with many girls who do not enjoy giving oral sex, but feel [due to media, film, magazine, porn etc] that it is expected of them or that they should do it solely because their partner enjoys it.  Healthy relationships can include compromise, as long as neither partner is compromising their health, comfort, safety and values.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?
I think that men and women were created equal, but different.  I would be blind to ignore the physical differences between men and women, as obviously, physically, a man can easily overpower my small physique. However, I do not think that men and women should have different rights or expectations in society, and unfortunately, this is the case in Pakistani society.  There are different rules for men and women by and large, and this, to me, is unacceptable.  

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?
Yes, I find multiple orgasms to be a frequent occurrence in my sex life.  I originally believed the phenomena of female ejaculation to be a phenomenon seen only in porn, but with my partner have frequently experienced this, thanks to his love and exploration of my body.  They are awesome.

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?
Yes.  I have never found this alone, and I find that it is easier with a partner.  My partner often engages my G-Spot, which I believe to be linked with the experiencing of multiple orgasms.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?
I think that this phenomenon is seen more frequently in women, and I know a couple of girls who have experienced this.  I think there are rare cases where orgasms are very difficult to achieve for women, but I think that inexperience, on their own part and their partner’s part, are the more common reasons for this.  I think that with understanding of your body and your partners, there comes a better understanding on how to make them come.  Women’s bodies are very different to men’s, so it can be difficult for some men to understand what to do.  However, I think women can help this situation by better understanding their own bodies, and conveying it to their partners to aid mutual sexual satisfaction.

Do you think about sex every day? 
Yes, depending on the day, it can range anywhere from 5 times a day to a hundred.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life? 
I think sex plays a major role in the human experience in general.  Our natures and the nutured aspects of our personalities, as well as extrinsic factors upon our lives such as faith, society and defining experiences come together to define the specific ‘face’ and ‘role’ that sex has for everyone personally.  Some people are given negative sexual experiences, where others are luckier.  In order for a healthy, functioning society, it is our duty to sexually educate our young adults.  This ranges from warning them about sexual predators so that they may be aware of the dangers one can face in the world, to education about sex in a scientific manner, even to the dangers and implications of rape etc.  I believe that if a person has a good sex education at a definitive age, then it arms them with a better chance of having positive sexual experiences.  I think that this is a VERY difficult job, but a worthwhile one, nonetheless.  To me, sex is an integral part of my relationship, as well as an expression of my sexuality, and I feel I have been lucky in my parenting, education and experiences, which have better armed me to find sex as being ‘positive.’

On Masturbation:
I think masturbation is a natural exploration that adolescents engage in, and can be healthy or obsessive.  Masturbation can be a healthy part of adult sexual experiences also.

I find it interesting that adolescents were the first thing that came to your mind when thinking about masturbation. :) Of course u do mention that its a healthy part of adult experience too... but I wonder why that came as a second thought..

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you? 
Absolutely not.  I can see why people have this religious preference, but it should work both ways.  If a man wants a wife who is a virgin for religious reasons, he should be adhering to the same standard that he expects from his partner. 

On Pornography:
The term pornography is a wide net to cast.  There are many types and subtypes of pornography.  First of all, the pornography that I speak of is not in reference to anything involving children, animals, or depicting snuff scenes or rape scenes.  Excluding these, I think that certain types of pornography can be healthy and enjoyable.  I have enjoyed watching porn both alone, and with my boyfriend in certain moods.  As a woman, I have oft heard the complaint from other women saying that they find very little porn to be erotic.  Apparently, female-oriented porn is a largely growing market in a world of breaking taboos where women have also become consumers in the adult market.  This can be seen with the huge popularity of the erotic novel series, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’  Although I attempted to read this novel from an Academic viewpoint, I was not able to associate with it, or understand why it  has become one of the fastest-selling novels of all time, but I understand that women worldwide have enjoyed the book immensely – perhaps the future alternative to pornography for women?

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country? 
I have never heard of this practice from anyone I know, in fact, the first time I was exposed to this idea was through this blog.  However, in England, we joke that the Welsh engage in sexual practices with sheep, and this is a common joke world-wide.  I just want to point out that bestiality is a sickness, and although I believe in exploration of one’s self sexually, if you do this with animals, you need serious psychiatric help.  I do not think that the excuse ‘there are no other outlets’ are acceptable.

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?
Although I think that homosexuality is not in congruence with the laws of nature [if it were, it would result in reproduction as with all mating in nature], I do not believe it to be wrong.  I think that homosexuality is inherent, and a part of a person.  They can no more chose being straight, than they can choose their ethnicity.  I think that homosexual couples are no different to straight couples.  I believe them to have the same inherent rights of marriage and having children.  I do not think that being gay makes you a better or worse parent, nor a better or worse man/woman.  Personally, if I had the choice between my parents being an unhappy, unloving straight couple, and a gay couple who love each other, I would chose the latter.  I think a loving household is better than a straight household.

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality? 
Immensely so.  I actually spoke about the importance of sex education in an earlier question.  As I attended a Catholic school for my Primary education, the sex education there was limited to the Menstrual Cycle and information about sex leading to pregnancy.  However, at my High School, we had a much wider sexual education covering all bases; scientific, health and disease, social contexts and counseling.  We even learned how to correctly use condoms, and had an anonymous Q & A session for people’s embarrassing questions.  I think that this is VERY important in schools.  I understand that more Conservative societies may not wish to do things quite the same, but none the less a scientific and health and disease portion is unavoidable from basic knowledge.

What kind of role do you think sex plays in religion?
Absolutely none.  I can understand the benefits of religion for society, and I am a large advocate of everyone’s right to religious affiliation, but that same right of freedom applies to people’s sexuality.  I understand that religiously, sex is seen as an act of consummation of a marriage, and that is why it is sacred.  I also think that times have moved on, and since we no longer get married at the age people did 1500-2000 years ago, then our natural sexual needs remain largely unfulfilled until marriage, and therefore it is less realistic a concept to remain virginal until marriage.  I do expect that sex with a partner in marriage can have layers to it that more ‘promiscuous’ sex does not. Despite this, I do not see why there would be certain acts, or times of the month that should be off limits since clerics/religion say so.

Do you think we have a problem in this country with sexual predators and Paedophiles, and to what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world?
I think that sexual predators and pedophilia are a human condition.  I believe them to exist in the same percentages in Pakistan as they do worldwide.  However, I feel that we are less aware of this issue than the rest of the world.  We trust our children alone with MANY people that we believe to warrant our trust, when truly, one should always be vigilant with their children.  Family members abuse children worldwide, as do people in authoritative positions such as doctors and teachers and priests.  However, our society doesn’t accept this happens, we are blinded to it, and do not raise awareness/educate ourselves and our children, and this is our crime, not ‘more perversion’ than the rest of the world.

As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing? 
I do not really worry about other people’s practices, or try to define my own through the lens of others.  There have been times where I have spoken to my female friends for advice concerning sexual matters, and they may have related their own lives as advice, but other than this, no.

What are your thoughts on oral sex: 
I think oral sex can be highly pleasurable for both men and women, and can be used actively and frequently within a healthy sex life, as long as both partners enjoy both giving and receiving oral sex.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Natasha. You made some very good points and shared some interesting personal stories. I'd just like to refer back to the aunty who thought ur breasts were too big for a second, and point out that her and women like her are indicative of a much deeper problem in our society... one where patriarchy is ingrained in every fibre of (almost) every woman's being. So much so that women are policing other women, its fuckin' 1984 up in here... they automatically think that a woman's body is an object...  a thing of shame.. something to hide...something to be controlled...

Till next time :) I'd love to hear more from anyone who has an interesting story to share. Send me an email NicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom, a tweet or even a facebook msg.