Thursday, September 6, 2012

"He tried to perform oral sex on me and told me he thought it was gross" - Part 2


So yesterday, a Pakistani blogger by the name of Falahi Behoodabadi posted a detailed response to my post about Fahmida. It seems that Fahmida's story has hit a nerve with a lot of people. I'm glad that so many have so much to say...generating discussion is the first step! It's important that all the voices and opinions are heard. Only then can we begin to understand the differences amongst ourselves. Below is my response to his response. These are excerpts from his post, you can read the full version here.

Thank you Falahi Behoodabadi, yours is an important contribution to the ongoing discussion about Pakistanis and their love/hate relationship with cunnilingus. I appreciate that you took the time to do this.


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I read a blog by Nice Mangos, outlining the plight of a woman whose husband refuses to offer cunnilingus, despite the wife offering similar services in kind.

The interviewer is outraged as would be anyone confronted by someone with such a plight. However, the second phase of this blog, I’ve undertaken with her permission. The initial outrage makes it so that the general tone of the article blames Pakistani men in general. Which wasn’t the intention of the interviewer.


Well the way I see it, the Pakistani male population *in general* is pretty oppressive to women. A mega-patriarchy, if you will….A lack of education combined with the strict gender roles of the country make for a very chauvinistic society. There is no arguing that.  And from what I’ve heard, this attitude does extend into the bedroom too.

Now of course, there are always exceptions, as I mention over and over again. I’m sure there are plenty of well-educated, non-chauvinistic Pakistani men out there. But sadly, that is not the norm. Soooo I think I did intend to blame the rampant chauvinism that exists in Pakistani men in general (which doesn’t necessarily include you, or many of my male readers I’m sure…so please don’t take it personally. I myself am married to a Pakistani man who doesn’t display any of the aforementioned behaviour…so I do know that exceptions exist!)

Sixty percent of Pakistan is rural, and composed of starving women who barely have enough for themselves and their crying children to eat. These women are not worried about oral sex.

Im sure they would prefer pleasurable sex that results in magnificent orgasm(s) rather than the possibly painful or dull thrusting they must have to often endure. Sure you’re right when you say they are probably not worried about oral sex (how many actually think it's an option, even?), but the truth of the matter is…sex still happens. No matter how little people have to eat or survive on… the sex continues…perhaps more so in Pakistani rural areas because it may be one of the only forms of entertainment that’s cheaply available. So, the fact that sex still happens.. means that either its happening ‘to’ them [women] … or its happening ‘with’ them. There’s no way of really knowing what the average rural Pakistani woman’s sex life is really like, unless we go speak to a bunch of ‘em. But since that isn’t gonna happen…I will base my comments on educated guesses. More than likely, the sex happens ‘to’ them - Especially after the novelty wears off, the man in the relationship probably does his thing and rolls off, as he is taught over and over again. His wife is meant to satisfy him....there is little mention in religion or culture about female satisfaction. There's a Quran verse comparing women to farmland, ready for husband's to plough as they wish ffs. 

I’m sure if the women you mention, knew how different sex could be…they would truly appreciate a good session of mutual oral…

The blog points out that Pakistani women don’t speak up for themselves.
Pakistani women speak up a lot. You have to be in the right circle. Women talk about it. They’re not very careful speaking about these things to close friends. Perhaps they meant that they don’t speak up to their husbands about it.

Speaking to your friends about an issue is not really speaking up and having your voice heard. Speaking up happens when you raise your voice with the intention of change. Suppose someone were raped, and the only people they told were their close friends…. It wouldn’t achieve much really, so that would definitely not count as speaking up. Yes, you’re right in terms of equality in the bedroom… speaking up would imply that you communicated your dissatisfaction to your partner.

Sometimes incredible stories leak out. Some women react with a little bit of anger; this one woman I knew actively started spreading stories about her husbands tiny dick and his inability to please her when he refused to eat her out.

And later, she even shared pictures from when he was asleep. The man is still the joke of the city amongst most women.

Yes, there are always exceptions. The woman in your story was not shy - Perhaps even malicious… I wonder if she tried to address the problem with him before taking it to this level.

And at one point, when she loses the baby weight. She is surprised when she is told that he prefers her larger. Almost all men prefer larger, why does she act surprised?

Umm..really? There is a whole multinational industry based on selling the ideal ‘skinny’ body type to women everywhere. There are multitudes of eating disorders, why would this be the case if all men preferred larger? Unless you mean breasts, but even then, I don’t think it’s *all* men at all…

The issue with women being held up to unrealistic standards is that men are held up to ridiculous standards too.

You’re not seriously comparing what women have to go through in this world, especially in countries like Pakistan... to what men do....are you?…realllllly? I wouldn’t even know where to begin answering that.

If the wife wanted to do it [oral], then she did it willingly, expecting reciprocity was her mistake.
If the guy was unwilling then it might point to religious implications such that imply that he won’t because of religious reasons. In which case, religion denies oral sex too. But would also imply that he’s a hypocrite.
  
"Expecting reciprocity was her mistake" - Wow dude...speechless. 

I think in a loving relationship, one would naturally expect a little give and take. I don't think its a mistake to expect sexual satisfaction in return at all. 

Agree that that makes him a hypocrite. Im no religious scholar…but in my research I’ve found that Islam can be tolerant towards most sex stuff (within the boundaries of *hetero* marriage) except for anal really. But then again, these things are so subjective, it would depend on who u ask. Some sect, some interpretations are absolutely less tolerant. Some are definitely all about male pleasure, and find female sexuality/pleasure shameful in general. 

Also, dear women, I understand that sex for you is about the a lot of things. But trust me, saying it might as well be masturbation is incredibly insane. Trust me. Its quite different. The body reacts to the pheromones and the various chemicals. Its much much more gratifying.

Yes, yes I am well aware that selfish sex isn’t ‘exactly’ like masturbation…I didn’t mean it so literally.

One of the women I was with, her cum would actually congeal and go sour on her pussy. It would actually turn into something that tasted like rancid yoghurt. I would literally have to scoop it off before I put my tongue in and winced. That’s another thing that I never let her find out. BUT. This is in stark contrast to the one before her; who literally tasted like cinnamon honey. Her cum would never go bad. Another one was hairy. but she was never wet enough for it to drip outside. She tasted fine. Not too good. Not too bad. Fourth one dripped. But it was always so runny. Always dripped into her underwear. Never had any issues with smell or taste. Mildly pleasant. Except when she was near her periods. It would get more sour. Still. Never bad. 

Thanks for sharing your personal experiences in such great detail, because that’s insight that straight women would probably not get too often. I personally could do without knowing what all your past lovers tasted like, but hey it's possibly very useful information for someone. 

Bottom line; everyone is different. And lets face it, genitals don’t exactly taste/smell like vanilla ice cream (ur honey cinnamon girl must have used some product/lotion too) – but with good hygiene and health it should be pretty neutral…

But as for your ex with the rancid yoghurt problem…wow… that sounds pretty unpleasant. It sounds like she might have had some sort of infection, there could’ve been a lot of things causing that. But I’m no doctor…so I’ll refrain from guessing. Perhaps she needed to know so she could get it checked out? 

Regardless, even though that made you wince, you still dove in and didn’t let her know it grossed you out. I think you may have taken the politeness a little far… but still…. At least you had the decency to not gag. Whereas in Fahmida’s situation, I doubt its something as extraordinary as that….more like a mental issue. I’ve heard it before from a lot of Pakistani men. They just think going down on a woman is gross. I wrote yet another post about it here.

One of my girls always had to drink something after swallowing because otherwise she’d get a sore throat.

That’s interesting…

The woman should never lie about orgasming when they’re together.

Agreed. If you’re constantly lying, you’re not really facing the problem… and so it continues…

This just may be me, but from what I’ve seen in society and experienced in relationships, all women think they look beautiful. 

This statement is not true…there wouldn’t be all these eating disorders and cases of body dysmorphia if it were true. Sadly, women are more often than not.. insecure about some aspect of their physical appearance…the world in general is set up to perpetuate that.

Dressing up in the bedroom and lacy thongs; while good and all. They really won’t do much for your guy if he secretly isn’t attracted to you. 

This is just my opinion here, but if someone isn’t attracted to their spouse… that’s the beginning of a whole lot of other issues…

It’s opportunity cost. The most efficient way for a partner to please their mate is to focus on the things that the mate actually likes about them. So if your mate likes you because you’re a social whore, be more of that. If your mate likes you because you have incredibly smart papers published by oxford, do more of that. If your mate likes you because you earn more money, do more of that.

So just be a robot, and do more of whatever our partner likes? A very odd approach. 
And if there’s no honest communication about this kind of stuff in the first place, how would you attempt that? Also, stating the obvious....you have to be your own person. You can't just do things to please other people. 

On a side note. The woman on top thing making the man too sensitive. This is common. He is hitting her cervix. Basically a bit too long for her. Tell her to get on top. And lean back or forward. The angle will decrease him hitting her cervix and his glans getting tender). The thing about him not liking doing her from behind. The too lubricated thing, I suspect its bullshit and he doesn’t like her ass, or maybe her asshole isn’t waxed :P.

The first part of this para seems to be good practical advice, I will pass that along. Thanks. And yea I suspect bs on the too lubricated thing too...but the unwaxed asshole bit --- I won’t go into all the reasons it pisses me off. But I’ll just say this, maybe guys should try keeping a ‘perfectly waxed asshole’ esp after 2 kids and 16 years of one way oral…and little to no sexual gratification. We’ll talk about it more then :P

Also, dear women. If a guy avoids masturbation and only has sex with you, then this kinda makes me suspect that the man has an aversion to masturbation. Only religious people who don’t believe in masturbation have sex this often. If this is the case. A LOT OF THINGS need to be re-evaluated.

Agreed.

Also, a man who’s too tired to have fun with you, sounds like he’s cheating and squash game is the name of another woman. And the sweat he wants to clean up by taking a shower. That is another woman’s sweat, which is kinda why he doesn’t want you to, you know. Enjoy it. 

Now that would be a very sad reality…. But you may have a point. Something to think about Fahmida…


7 comments:

  1. Slightly off topic, but relevant nonetheless:

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/men-women/why-have-vaginas--which-were-once-worshipped--become-taboo-8092761.html

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  2. Wow! Interesting debate there..

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  3. Too many topics on cunnilingus.

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  4. And here's another link to a story about the history of the vibrator. The scene in early Victorian England appears worse than here, where sexually frustrated women were diagnosed with "hysteria" and sent to doctors to be masturbated

    No. I did not make that up. You can read it here:
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/07/how-the-vibrator-caused-buzz

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  5. What a fascinating blog -- and a lovely discussion there! I'm going to have return with some other thoughts later as well, as I'm really tired right now and can't write too much, but the whole "all men want large women" thing really got me.

    You know, it is actually true that many men across the world do prefer "large" women to "skinny" ones. Northwest Pakistan is a great example of such a concept of beauty. It seems to be changing now, but that seems to be the case only among the younger generations and particularly among those in the West! The older generations and esp those in Pakistan right now definitely still prefer bigger women. I'm trying to figure out why/how this works or how beauty is defined in that part of the world, but it can certainly be safely concluded that they generally tend to prefer bigger women to smaller ones.

    I'll comment on the rest of the discussion later :)

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  6. Hi

    As a guy i'm at a loss as to why he wouldn't want to see and hear his lover's ecstasy. In to the extent that it's a turn on, giving a woman pleasure is actually a selfish deed.

    Eiynah, I emailed you a few days back. Wondering if you saw it.

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