Wednesday, January 21, 2015

"My first time was with a prostitute...we were supposed to copulate with her, turn by turn..."

A gentleman who is a regular reader, contacted me recently and wanted to speak about his 'first time'. He described an experience that I’ve heard quite often; Young Pakistani men losing their virginity to sex workers….

why does this happen so frequently? 

Probably because of the gender segregation and lack of access to the opposite sex, that’d be my best guess. Also, because you can't have sex with the 'pure' virgin you plan to marry, that would be tainting her...

Sex workers, ‘prostitutes’ - are often demonized and dehumanized in the way we think and talk about them. Their reality is so far removed from the average person's, we cannot possibly fathom what its like to sell sex or sex-services for a living.

But I assume that the experience really varies depending on where in the world you’re doing it, how you got into it, why you got into it, etc. Many people see sex-workers as one-dimensional ‘victims', but I’ve spoken to several on the interwebs, done my research, seen videos (have yet to have an in-person interview, but would love to do one some day) about how *some* people truly do it because they enjoy it, some make a lot of money and they find it empowering. 

That’s not to say that exploitation doesn’t occur, thats probably the majority of what occurs. But we must also consider that some people do it simply because they want to. This is also part of the reason why I refuse to treat the word ‘prostitute’ like a dirty word, there might be some power in reclaiming it. When people only want to use the sanitized term ‘sex worker’, myself included, I wonder…is it right to?  

In Pakistan, however, I doubt there are many people selling sex because they want to. The society is set up to exploit the poor and the powerless so badly... The people who visit sex workers in Pakistan, like anywhere else, come from all walks of life. And it is important to hear their stories to understand the dynamics of these interactions...

Aslam, 24

So tell me about your first time....what your expectations were...and if it lived up to your expectations:

My first time was with a prostitute. My co-workers (and buddies) arranged her for me, and we were supposed to copulate with her, turn by turn. Once the finances were sorted out, we booked an appointment (forgive me for the euphemism), got high on weed first, and waited. The girl has the perfect figure of a teen porn star (with the exception that she was brown, and hence the vagina black. I refer to the colour of her vagina because that’s a topic which pops up on your blog often. I want to take this opportunity to clarify that I have nothing against black vaginas, nor do I subscribe to the idiotic view that pink vags are superior. On the contrary, being a brown man, I like brown women more).

There is so much that bothers me about the paragraph above. But the reference to a teen-like body as perfection is perhaps on top of that list. This is not a view that is restricted to Pakistanis by any means. 

I find the language er...interesting, ‘arranged her’ … ‘copulate with her’ - seems very business-like, less like an experience with a human, more like a transaction. And wait were ALL supposed to have sex with her, one after another? The poor girl. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling with one guy after another. Physically, emotionally...

And also pardon me while I cringe a little, the germophobe in me can barely share a glass of water with my friends, let alone a sex partner. But you are definitely not the first person to tell me this 'group' story Aslam...

Also the reference to brown vaginas as 'black'… not that there is anything wrong with any colour of vagina, but I hear this amongst Pakistanis a lot. Any part of your body that is not light or white, or any person that is not of a fair complexion, is not just dark… or dark brown… they are ‘black’ - there is nothing wrong with the term, but there is with the way it is used in our culture... It reminds me of how brown people hate dark skin more than anything. A side-effect of colonialism, but also something deeper.

Aslam’s view is not this, as he points out, he doesn’t have an issue with genital colour, as so many Pakistani men do (it’s true they make vagina bleach for brown women to turn their genitals into white-people genitals…that cannot be good for you)

came across this on google and was kind of blown away...
WHAT - they are trying to lighten your vagina from the inside now?

lol @ 'white' 'secret' - some great copywriting here. 

She insisted on having sex in the dark (she might have been suspecting hidden cameras, we live in Pakistan, after all) but I insisted that it was my first time, after which we agreed that I was to light up my mobile flashlight, and get down to business. I commenced as I have seen in porn, I kissed her, stroked her nipples, fingered her, the works. The foreplay was leisurely, unhurried, and gentlemanly (mild). 

Its so odd to me that ‘mild’ is described as gentlemanly… 

I was able to exercise remarkable self-control on myself, but that was maybe because I was high.
But from the very beginning, it felt as if something wasn’t right. Although I had an erection, I wasn’t turned on, which was because the scenario seemed very off to me, somehow, I don’t know why. The smells and sounds were slightly awkward as well, but they were a very small part of the problem. I commenced the act of penetration, which was pretty intense (I told you about my workouts, the squats, deadlifts and running made my thighs quite powerful) so stamina or strength wasn’t an issue.

"I commenced the act of penetration” - lol you are a formal guy aren’t you.

I must have fucked her for what seemed like an infinite time, until the point of exhaustion, where I had to retract and rest. During that particular time, I got her to go down on me, but that was also to no avail. Long story short, I fucked her in every position I’ve seen in porn, and I have seen more than my fair share of porn. The most adventurous position was when I held her entire body weight in my arms, and penetrated her while standing up.

That seems like quite a feat for a first time, damn. I guess it wasn’t her first time though…so there is that. 

All my efforts, however, were to no avail, since I could not ejaculate, since the ‘weird’ feeling remained persistent throughout the entire act. In the end, I was fed up, and she was exhausted. So I promptly got out of the room. My co-workers were like ‘You had been inside for 25 minutes dude, what were you doing?’ I looked at the wall-clock. Since I was quite interested in knowing the time duration in which I last during sex, I had noted my time of entry. They were absolutely right. I had fucked a woman non-stop for 25 minutes, and no fucking ejaculation. I checked the tip of my penis to be sure. It was dry as a stone. Needless to say, I was disappointed, frustrated, etc., etc. While the foreplay was alrite, the act of penetration was, I repeat, mildly disgusting and slightly disturbing to me. I have no idea why.

Is it possible that maybe you weren’t into it because know... you paid her? I wouldn't be into it in that situation at all... is it because you didn’t know her? Maybe you weren’t aroused by her? Maybe you felt disgusted and disturbed because you felt like you were exploiting her? Did she look like she enjoyed it at all? I mean those are strong words…so I’m not sure whats going on here. Are you sure you’re into women? Have you ever been sexually abused? There could be so many factors to this.

Did you have certain expectations because of porn? How do you think that affected your encounter?

I had no expectations, because of porn, to be honest. I applied all the foreplay and fucking techniques from porn though, with great success (the physical flexibility and fitness, etc.) but no result.

How did cultural and religious inhibitions affect it?

Cultural, none. Religious, also none. I have been an agnostic for a very long time now, which means the effects of the religious programming (engaging religious fervour in children since the day they’re born, that’s how it happens in Muslim countries like Pakistan, I like to term it ‘programming) have worn off, and it's practically close to zero these days.

How did this come to be...losing your virginity with a sex worker and not someone you know?

I never gave it much thought, no regrets. Maybe that’s because I lead a very busy lifestyle. I discussed my feelings about having ‘no regrets’ with another friend, who told me promptly, that I did not feel any regrets because I have no self-respect. Needless to say, I’m confused. 

What made you decide this was the way to go in terms of a first time sex encounter

1- Lack of opportunity for consensual sex. I’ve been in relationships, but Pakistani girls are conservative when it comes to getting physical. Generally speaking, physical encounters are granted in the hope of ensnaring the guy in wedlock. I do not want to marry, I do not want to settle down (I’m 24). So I went for the no-strings attached fling. Additionally, I thought it would be a great learning experience, would come in handy if I ever get infatuated with someone. I do not use the term love, since that in my opinion, is cheesy, a thing of the movies, plus, its non-existent.

Yikes, I don’t like the way you use the term ‘ensnaring the guy in wedlock’ - look no one wants to trap anyone, its just that women have worse consequences for sex outside of marriage in a country like Pakistan, especially considering 'nature' and 'intelligent design' fucked us right over, by making us be the ones who have to bear children by ripping our bodies open. They just tend to be more careful because of that. As you know the consequences can be quite grave. Its not about trapping your amazing maleness into marriage, its about security and self-preservation. So don’t be a dick and quit thinking like that. Its a tough situation being a woman in Pakistan and not everyone is bold enough to break the oh-so-wonderful tradition of no sex before marriage.

2- Sexual deprivation, my only outlet before was masturbation, but you get tired of it when you’re 24 you know.  I had a newly acquired college degree, a newly acquired job, and a quarter life crisis on my hands. Since I solemnly intend to preferably not marry (or marry very late), I went for this mode of encounter. And as time had proved, I made the right decision. No regrets.

There is always dating you know. Much harder in Pakistan, yes, I know…. but some people do manage. There aren’t just the two extremes: marriage vs. paid for sex. You said so yourself that you’ve been in relationships… yeah girls are not going to drop their pants for you, especially if you go around with this pompous attitude of how everyone is trying to trap you into marriage. Just please remember that sex workers in Pakistan are almost always mistreated. They have probably gotten into this profession because they have no other choice, and they probably get abused and raped a lot too, considering consent from a woman is not such an important concept in our culture. 

I once heard a Pakistani “liberal” guy, very progressive who went to university abroad talk about a case where these sex workers got raped on their way back from a party they were entertaining at. And he said… "How can you rape a prostitute? I mean .. isn’t that what she does for a living any way?"

Absolutely vile. 

This is the disgusting mentality those women are surrounded by, even with educated men. Consent to sex is a basic human right (yes, its not a concept often ever mentioned in our lovely scriptures, so yeah). It is unrelated to what you do for a living. So please think about that, before you make visits a regular thing. These particular women are not empowered and doing it for themselves. They probably make very little money…

Anyway, onwards to the next question...

Where did you go to do this... can u describe your surroundings a bit?

Office room. Sofas, chairs, and desks, it had them all. And I made good use of the furniture. The surroundings were safe, private, and securely locked. I don’t take stupid risks.

Since you are a regular reader, did u refer to any Nice Mangos sex advice?

Yes. To the letter. I abstained from masturbation as well. But as you already know, I couldn’t ejaculate. Hardly complaining, though :-p

Were you nervous?

Slightly, I was afraid that due to my nervousness, I wouldn’t get an erection. Also, the general concept about having sex for the first time with a prostitute (in Pakistan) can be summarized in the main points:

(a)   You’ll have regrets later.
(b)   You won’t be able to get it up, because it’s not easy fucking a prostitute.
As per my experience, the aforementioned points are hence proven invalid.

But once the foreplay started, everything was going the way I planned, which meant that my nervousness diminished instantly.

How is it different having sex with a prostitute than any other woman? Same bits, same process…she probably has more experience with virgins if anything, so there’s that. 

What regrets do they refer to in the common Pakistani experience of losing your virginity like this? It doesn’t strike me as a place where people have regrets about exploiting a poor woman, or taking advantage of a patriarchal power dynamic… what regrets then? Religious regrets about extra marital sex? Which would explain why your agnostic ass didn’t have those….


So there it is, Aslam’s first experience. 

I do appreciate you sharing it with us. It’s not many people that are brutally honest about stuff like this. Thank you. 

If anyone has any questions for Aslam, do tweet them to me @nicemangos or email them to me nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom  - I have a few, and plan on doing a follow up post. So send them in.

Till next time.

And please, remember to fuck responsibly. Condoms all the way, no matter how much your desi family doctor is prescribing prayer and scripture as a cure for sexual desire.  Condoms are probably the more practical choice. 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Yesterday a Pakistani Mailed me Ammunition

Not literally of course! But 'ammunition' to defend my right to free speech and expression through art.

I did a piece for a Pakistani newspaper about #CharlieHebdo and received threats for it, naturally. All from adherents of the religion of peace of course.

Its been an emotional few days... stained with mass murder and lashings (which have nothing to do with Islam, obviously). Speaking, drawing, questioning...things I do on a regular basis are not tolerated by some, to the point they have to extinguish life.

My last two days have been punctuated with panicky calls from my mom, telling me to just stop speaking about 'controversial things' (Yeah right mom, what else is there to talk about?). Saying she likes my work, but it terrifies her too...because of what could happen.

As support for my work increases with a western audience, I notice a shrinking of support from fellow Pakistanis. Its an odd correlation, not sure why it works this way.

But generally, the call for silencing grows louder. From both people who love me and those who hate me.

From my birth country, Pakistan, it's mostly insults and threats that come my way. But yesterday...the most incredible thing happened. A supporter of the blog sent me a token of appreciation. Not a small one either. Holy fucking fuck.

He sent me a goddamn Wacom tablet. :O So I could make art more efficiently. He sent this before the incident in Paris happened, but it arrived yesterday.

Utterly stunned I was.... I messaged him to tell him I received his incredible gesture, and he said:

"Go make the world a better place. Make art. #JeSuisCharlie ."

Thats right. A Pakistani said this. A Pakistani from Pakistan!

I just wanted to blog about it to show that there are indeed some very wonderful, free speech loving, sex blog supporting, open minded as fuck Pakistanis out there. And those are the people that keep my hopes up for the rest of the country.

So touched by this gesture, so especially touched that it's a gift from Pakistan. I will draw and question shit at twice the pace now. Much much love, you know who you are!

Sunday, January 4, 2015

A letter for Leelah Alcorn from a Pakistani Mother

On December 28th of last year we lost yet another innocent life because people imposed their beliefs on someone else.

Photo from Wikipedia

Leelah Alcorn took her life, by walking into a truck. And left behind a devastating suicide note on her Tumblr, which has now been deleted.

Leelah Alcorn was pressurized, isolated, drugged on anti-depressants (far above the recommended dosage), and treated poorly by her own parents. Their Christian beliefs are cited as the only reason for this treatment, and this 'conditional' love. They apparently sent her to see only 'Christian therapists' - who unhelpfully told her to look to 'god' for help... who told her she needed to be fixed.  :(

For physical health, for mental health....for anything medical... I ask that you always look to science.

We see it over and over again, parents unable to accept children for who they are and what they believe, in this case she was a transgender girl, born Josh Alcorn. She ended her life, because she wasn't allowed the basic freedom of being who she was, of being loved for who she was. Even after her death and after reading her painful suicide note, her mother refused to refer to her in the media by the name she chose for herself. And coldly stood her ground, reinforcing her utter disrespect for her beautiful transgender child....her mother spoke to the media referring to her as 'Josh'. This was the name Leelah crossed out in her suicide note, she made it a point to emphasize the name she wanted to be known by. Her mom could not honour such a request, not even in memory of her child.

With the facts that are coming to light about her mistreatment at home, I feel the authorities should look into this. But I don't think that harassing her parents online is helpful at all. So please, please refrain from contacting them, sending them hateful messages/emails. I hope the appropriate people will do their job and ask them the right questions. Instead lets channel our energy into supporting her, the cause - and getting rid of what is as horrific and unnatural as it sounds 'conversion therapy'.

Join the facebook page here

Whether you are not accepted at home for the way you look, who you love, who you are, what you believe- please know there are people you can talk to. Here is a link to Trans Lifeline 's page. If you are in North America and need to speak to someone, you can call the numbers provided there. There are also many international suicide lines, via chat or phone. If you are feeling alone, please, please speak to someone. You are not alone.

I received a grief-stricken letter for Leelah, from a Pakistani mother. We don't know how many lives are made miserable because of a lack of acceptance in our country, because frankly not enough people care about humanity. People are not accepted for a large variety of reasons, and sometimes even killed for being different. But there are a few people who keep my hopes up for my birth country. And such mothers are amongst those people:

Dear Leelah,

I read about your painful journey. Sweety, As a mother of a gay son, I felt helpless, your silenced cries hit me hard.
I accepted my son being different and an atheist a long time back. He too suffered in many ways but when he told me... I cried. Not because he wasn't straight but for the suffering he endured alone. For days I cried and got angry at him for not telling me earlier. He was scared of what my reaction would be, you must've felt that fear too. My reaction was positive as a mother because I love him unconditionally. I just wish you were my daughter. All you wanted was acceptance and respect... That, everyone deserves.

You deserved so much love and support, baby, that I can't tell you. The depressive state that made you take this decision was tough one and I feel you.

Have been thinking... Did you smile as you were going to be finally free from this barbaric and Inhumane world, from it's people.. For whom the hell is here and so is the fire? Were your eyes closed? Did fear grip you? Did you have flashbacks of your misery that weren't noticed? Tears flowed down your cheeks, thinking about your loved ones? Were you breathing with your heart pounding or did numbness took over? These questions Mothers like me cry and ask. I'm sitting right now in a food court but yet I am imagining you in my mind... Your face clearly apparent and beautiful.
My heart is bleeding for you as a mother. Darling, all these questions I'm asking will remain unanswered.

My angel... These are my sentiments... As tear drops down while my heart aches of losing you.

I don't want to lose others... Who aren't accepted by the one who keeps them in her womb and nurtures.. and just one day... She has to choose between ' Her God, her child, facing people, sins and bloody hell fire'
As a mother of my beloved son and all the LGBT plus. I hope they don't ever feel they have to take this path. I want to tell them, not to let go... . Your letter that you wrote will hopefully not go in vain. But I wonder, will it be remembered for a week, month or a year? I hope we all make your wish come true and fight for it. Fight for a better, more accepting society

Leelah, be proud of who you are and you broke the silence with that letter.
I will miss you and accept you my darling and will remember you for as long as I live.

-Tears from a mother in Pakistan