Saturday, December 28, 2013

"...Losing my virginity to a guy who called me fat..."

Here is part of a conversation between myself and a reader, who told me that her first time was awful, it didn't work as smoothly as the movies - as it often doesn't - and the guy blamed it on her weight. Fucking douchebag had to find something about her to blame. 

*      *      *      *      *

me: Ok so firstly I wanted to ask you about something you mentioned earlier
you had said you were 'fat' and the guy u first had sex with was skinny.

Her:  yes

me:  Now i looked at your picture and you are really not what i would call 'fat'

Her: Thank you, that's very kind of you.

me:  if you were to have any sex-related problems from being overweight I would think it'd have to be a substantial weight issue, granted i cannot see your whole body, but im guessing if you were morbidly obese to a point where it was affecting your quality of life i would be able to tell from seeing your upper half. The fact that you would refer to yourself as 'fat' is indicative of a much larger problem in the society.

 Her:  It is

 me:  a lack of acceptance or tolerance for anything outside of the ideal

Her:  You have no idea how much my parents are always on my case to lose weight

me:  i mean how far are u from your ideal weight? 20lbs? 30lbs?
if its more than that than perhaps it is affecting your 
health... but if not, I dont see why its made an issue.

Her:  Well 30lbs
I do try to lead an active lifestyle
every day after work
I go to gym to work out
or for a swim

me:  all that is excellent. But I am not here to judge you for your lifestyle or your weight. My point in bringing that up was how intolerant ppl must have been for you to perceive it as such an issue.

Her:  Oh I know that
It's difficult, to be honest

 me: and for a guy to blame difficult first time sex on your weight, I would have imagined it to be a more significant weight problem like 50 lbs or more.

Her:  well the guy was a jerk
he later tried to blackmail me

me:  that is my point. People are so intolerant.... i have felt that in Pakistan too. I have almost always looked different from the preferred norm... perhaps it was piercings, clothing, hairdye, accent, who knows... but i have never been accepted.

blackmail you? How?

Her:  You're right when I went to England in Summer for work it was the only time I realized I'm not as big. I felt comfortable in whatever I wore and nobody would stare at me. It was the first time in years that I felt comfortable with my body size.

Oh that. Do you wanna know the whole story of why I opted for this jerk
in the first place?

 me:  sure

yes and I feel a lot more accepted outside of pakistan too .... I am allowed to be who i am
without anyone staring or judging me as imperfect. I completely get it. This is why i hate going to family daawats because its a little slice of pakistan where i get judged still - especially if i'm not dressed conservatively enough.

my grandmother always told me not to stand in the sun because no one would marry me if i was too dark... do you know what that can do to a kids self esteem,,,,, first of all telling them u are no one if you are not married...


Her:  Indeed. I'm actually agnostic, the society made me realize it's full of shit. My family doesn't know that I'm one, all they see is that I'm not religious. They would be extremely unhappy if they ever found out

I know the feeling
My mother thinks my life would be complete if I marry
I'm 29
have a career
and I do wanna marry but with the person i feel comfortable with
not someone who still can't move without mommy

me:  we cannot possibly fit into the tiny mould they want us to. Its not humanly possible

Her:  Agreed!

 me:  so what was this about blackmail then?

Her:  well
it all started when I was 26 years old
I was going through a break up and I really loved my ex
and we were mostly in a long distance relationship
we would hang out when he would come to town but when he finally moved back he broke it off with me. I was still a virgin then.
So after couple of months I started talking to this guy
who knew my ex  - and I  had known this guy from school and he was always a jerk
I was mourning and he was the guy visiting town and had joints to share
so I met him twice
he gave me joints which resulted with me getting stoned and having crazy phone sex with him the same night
then I thought why am I still a virgin?
Men in Pak are already sexually active so why should I save myself for a guy who most probably won't be a virgin
Basically I was trying everything out there to help me numb my heartbreak
So I saw this guy who would bang anything that walks so I said why don't we have sex
He did asked me if I was sure and ready for it so I said 'Yeah!'
so we finally met at his house

 me:  hold up.

her:  sure

me:  From your picture, i can see you're an attractive girl, and anyone should be able to value themselves that much really. why THE FUCK would you place yourself on a rank where you'd need a guy that 'would bang anything'?

Her: Because everybody says your first time has to be special
and since I was still tormented from my break up I was afraid for falling for another guy
so I chose an asshole who would get the job done and I won't even have to develop any feeling for him plus he was working and studying in England so it seemed convenient to hook up with someone who would shortly leave the country.

So that's why I did it.

me:  seems like there was a bit of self hate in there, rooted in a lack of self worth.  Which comes from not being valued.
correct me if im wrong

Her:  All this time I tried joints, booze and tried sex to help me forget my ex. I was betrayed by him and I didn't realized it over the years until today
that I was torturing myself
Yes, you're right
I took a stand for my ex in my house
but when he left me in the middle, I was the idiot left behind to face  the music and was being told 'I told you so'

me:  they make you feel like you cannot make major life decisions for yourself... and that is so very harmful

her:  and I believe this is how I dealt with it

 me: I'm sorry you had to go through all that instead of getting love and support.

Her:  yes
but surprisingly
all the courage I did get was from my boss
she just hired me few weeks before my break up
shes a strong woman
a feminist
she somehow encouraged me to give my 100%
and then I saw myself doing great.
Within 6 months I was promoted from a coordinator to the person running a department
but losing my virginity to a guy who called me fat...


and after hardly 5 mins when he lost his erection
and couldn't get in
asked me to get dressed so he can drop me
because he had to take his sis somewhere. I was quiet during the drive
and for days
good thing I smoked up a bit before he broke my hymen
so somehow it made me numb to his hurtful words

I would actually shudder at the thought of having sex
I thought I would never do it again
this thing did not only sting me, it scarred me too

me:  Im sure .... these kinds of things stay with you
and possibly affect how u are in future relationships

Her:  They do

because when I asked skinny bastard then after that nightmarish episode
that had he not slept with a virgin before, do you know what he answered?
He said yes, but she wasn't as big as you
two blows in less than 10 mins
enough to haunt me for 6 months

Her:  I still remember the drive back home, he kept telling me how great he is in bed and what happened between us had never happened before
instead of being considerate or asking if i was in pain
it was all about him

me:  i hope you dont talk to 'skinny bastard' anymore

Her:  I don't
i chalked him out of my life as soon as he left which was 3 days after he broke my hymen
he though however sent me a text that he's in town

me:  fucking fuckwad. Did not deserve you.

Her: I was surprised during this time why would he look me up
I was bad in bed for him.

 me:  and this was the blackmail u referred to earlier? He just kind of kept wanting to meet you and u were too afraid to say no cuz he knew ur ex?

I was afraid he would do that
but he tried to do something much far low
you see
He sent me an FB message saying
that if I don't meet him till next evening
he would go to my brother and tell him his lil sis has been whoring out
now Eiynah I had never been blackmailed in my life! So I freaked out
but for some smart moment I didn't responded
which pissed him off more to send me another blackmailing message
which actually led me to think it was his word against mine

so I didn't responded, he thought i would be an idiot and come running back to him
but I didn't
i chose to ignore him
blocked him on my phone
on social media
and whatsapp

 me:  and what the fuck is wrong with this dude

Her:  this is to give you an idea how sexually frustrated some men are in our society
they are willing to blackmail for sex
with a person they didn't even fucked in the first place
or even enjoyed it
and he also knew he was full of bullshit
he never approached my bro or my family

me:  i was trying to figure out what his motive was for blackmailing you... esp when he clearly indicated he wasnt into you...
but he was doing this to have sex with you again? 
A girl he deemed not good enough in the first place?
wow what a fucker.

Her:  precisely!

 me:  holy shit.
so glad u didnt fall for his blackmailing.

hopefully you wont hate any specific body type because of your experience
but anyhoo
lets talk about your other concern
you think you have never had an orgasm before?

Her:  yes I haven't

 me:  but you masturbate, yes?
so to what end?

Her:  Of course I do

 me:  what makes you decide to stop
if you are not aiming for an orgasm?

Her:  I want to have an orgasm
but I feel I can't drive myself to having an orgasm on my own
I get extremely wet when I'm turned on
esp during foreplays
which is why Im ready to take a guy in when it's time
but no matter how I cum
it's definitely not orgasm
I didn't experienced the peak.. the height
of pleasure washing over me
I always blamed that sensation as the act of peeing
I didn't even realized all this time that I wasn't even having an orgasm
i thought I was having it
but truth be told I haven't
I get extremely wet
and I discharge
so I guess the guys did thought I had an orgasm
i thought I had it too
but according to what you say I have weak orgasms

 me:  well what were you defining as an orgasm
and what changed your perception

 Her:  if i had orgasm

i'm sure i wont be up in 5 mins aiming for round 2
I thought getting wet an discharge is an orgasm
obviously people over here don't talk about sex openly
And only 2 of my closest friends knew I was having sex
but I never had someone explain me what an orgasm is
After watching one episode of Californication
I realized what an orgasm was
and i was peeing that out after sex
not while having it
I felt like a moron

me:  ok a couple of things;
women can experience multiple orgasms! so you could be ready for another one fairly quickly
second.... don't base your understanding of an orgasm on 
a hollywood show
tv is exaggerated on purpose

and getting wet is just your body's way of lubricating itself... its not an orgasm in itself, but definitely makes achieving orgasm easier. 

Her:  You're right

but it finally made sense why i had to go pee during sex
i mean i wouldn't be drinking water or actually went to bathroom before sex

 me:  i have heard of other women having that sensation.... often in relation to the elusive g-spot, g-zone or whatever they r choosing to call it nowadays (but like i say over and over, I am not a qualified sex expert!)

Her:  hahaha
that's new to me
Yes though I'm really scared what if I actually pee
that would be so embarrassing
I'm uptight even at the thought of it

me:  you know what... try it [masturbation] when you're alone
do it in the bathroom or something....
so if u have to pee... u can pee
sit on the toilet

 Her:  hmmm
that makes sense

 me:  have u ever tried using sex toy?
vibrator? shower massage setting?

 Her:  Hahahaa no
I have no access to those toys

 me:  surely u have a shower?

 Her:  I know of a place that sells vibrators though

oh i was about to say
Yes I tried that briefly
because I read about it
it actually felt good

 me: but didnt get you to orgasm?

 Her:  Like I said I tried it briefly
i got confused and stopped.

you have been extremely helpful and suggestive in your advices
thank you so much!

 me:  thank you so much
thank you for opening up and sharing
because if people do not begin this conversation
it will continue to fester inside
and so many questions will remain unanswered
for fear of being judged

 Her:  true

 me:  its important that we speak out.

Her:  and I'm glad you have provided that forum
more power to you
thank you for listening to me
and all the best

 me:  so lets just revisit the main points before i go so we have it all clear
 a) you are a beautiful woman. dont let any asshole tell you otherwise. ppl come in all shapes and sizes. If its not a health concern, your weight/shape/size is not a big issue.

b) a lesson learned is to be wary and careful of assholes trying to blackmail you into sexual favours

c) so you definitely feel you havent had any orgasms? or that u have just had weak ones?

 Her:  weak ones for sure
but not the real deal

 me:  remember when referring to the real deal - dont compare it 
to hollywood
but do try to go past the pee sensation

 Her:  ok

me:  let me know how that goes... I think trying with the shower might be an option if u dont have access to vibrators
so work on that and let me know how it goes
then we can write a full version of ur story

 Her:  I'll let you know 

me:  also when i do write it, is there anything u dont want me to include from our conversation?
I would like to write about the 'skinny bastard' as u call him
and the blackmail if ur ok with that

 Her: please do write about him
I want girls to be careful
of such freaks out there
and their sick pleasures for having power over women
just change my name
and you can write my story word to word
no issue

Her:  sadly blackmailing culture is very common here
i was lucky i didn't got sucked in
others aren't so lucky
some poor girls get blackmailed into giving sexual pleasures to more than one man against her will
because one of the guys had filmed her or something
and then scare them into submission in the name of honour

Image from:

me:  and this is why i would stress the importance of not getting photographed or filmed in an intimate situation unless you have been in a very long term committed relationship.. that you can trust wont end bitterly- i mean u can never really know... but at least have it be a long term relationship if u want to take photos that could compromise u in the future

Her:  true
thankfully I have never been filmed or photographed

me:  good.... keep it that way... till you're ready!

 Her:  I will
thank you for today oh lovely lady
I'll let you know about my orgasm soon

 me:  ur welcome!  good luck!
see ya!


UPDATE:  So she has still not achieved full success in the orgasm department, but feels there is a mental block, sadly she has connected this to multiple accounts of childhood sexual abuse that she had repressed till she was a teenager, which I am heartbroken to hear...

Please, please educate and inform your children, younger siblings about predators... and most importantly stay vigilant. Never brush off a child who comes to you with reports that sound like sexual abuse. Kids do not make this shit up. And this is stuff they carry with them forever. Please...lets do our part to lessen the curse of child abuse that is so rampant in our society. 

There are no specific laws to even prosecute pedophiles in Pakistan. But lets try to change that. If you have a moment, please sign the petition here, the least we can do is try to spread awareness. 


  1. Unfortunately in past decade we have lost every bit of humanity and people take advantage of others. Without realizing the fact that they themselves might be facing the same. Women are always oppressed in our society. But its good to see that things are changing, they do stand for their right and raise their voice. In the past it was never heard of. Women need to build their status by contributing without creating a severe conflict among their families and whenever they opt for any thing overwhelming, they at least have a few people onboard, who can support them in their hour of need.

  2. Re childhood sexual abuse and orgasms in adulthood:

    I know that feels. I went through this hang-up / mental block for a long time; so much so that I used to think that not only could I never have orgasms, I couldn't ever have sex either: I'd get wet, but when it was time for penetration, my vagina would completely clam up. Yaani, CLAM UP, and not even let a centimetre of penis in. And then everything would suddenly dry up.

    Over time, I've learned that this isn't something to worry about. It is not my fault (and it isn't yours either.) Once you has sex with someone who respects your body and your person, and understands what's going on, you'll ‘get there’ together. :-) My partner and I got there too. We'd been together (and trying to have sex) for an year and a half before we were finally able to do it comfortably. In fact, the first time we were able to have penetrative sex was while I was having my period. Hahahah! :-D Lubrication was much easier, as was sliding in and out, and orgasms do wonders for menstrual cramps (I get horrible cramps and never has a good orgasm failed to alleviate that misery.)

    That said, I've never been able to have an orgasm through masturbation, either. And boy have I tried! It just refuses to happen. I get aroused, and things get to a point where the next logical step would be a solid orgasm, but right before then I just have to stop. I don't know why, but try as I might, I've never been able to go beyond that point on my own. Even with toys (I've never had access to a dildo, unfortunately, but we got a vibrating cock-ring last year, which works wonders with the clitoris.)

    So this is what I really wanted to tell the woman in the interview: I feel you, sister. And don't worry, it will happen. It will probably not happen during a random hookup because many men in Pakistan are, well, morons in the sex department. But it will definitely happen with someone who respects you, your body, and your person; most importantly: someone who understands your hang-ups, doesn't judge you for them, and is willing to work with you through them -- at a pace that you're comfortable with. Once you're over that hump (it took a while for me), the orgasm-struggles will all be in the past. I still have a very complicated relationship with sex -- most times, I love it, and my partner makes sure that I orgasm before him; but I also go through phases where even the thought of sex makes me want to curl up and run away in my mind. My partner has come to understand these phases, and the fact that they have nothing to do with him. I'm working on it with him and my therapist, and we know that it will only get better. *hugs* :-)

    PS: The best orgasms I've had are through oral sex -- that's something you might want to try too. Cunnilingus can be a woman's best friend! :-D

    1. Thank you for such a thorough and insightful comment! Im sure she will find it very helpful :)

    2. Dear Urooj, Sorry I couldn't respond earlier. You writing such a long detailed feedback means a lot to me. I had always admired your courage on twitter but I respect you more as a person now, Thank you so much! It means a lot! And thank you for kicking that guy's butt on twitter who suggested that I should lose weight, end of problem lol.

  3. Sounds like this lady can have ejaculations. Rare, but not unheard of. Women describe the sensation as wanting to pee.

    1. Yep definitely agree. That could be whats happening.

  4. Hi, Eiynah,

    I saw ur work for the S logo u prepared for the Sindh Event back some time, I clicked on "Follow" on ur Twitter Profile, & thn it all faded away in memory.

    Today i just saw ur Tweet about ur interview with TNM came to ur Blog to see What issues u r actually addressing, Although "My Chacha is Gay" is not an easy one for me to digest (I still have go through in detail.

    But after reading this THIS ONE Blog (ur conversation with the lady) , i m just Plain Thankful to U for writing this ...

    These are the things i believe people need to, Girls they go through such horrible things, where they are not only taken for granted but also blackmailed into submission, & may be this lady was strong & mature to not fall for a never ending trap, many are not !!!

    So Just Accept my THanx, and try to focus and spread such issues to increase awareness. I Wish U success.


    1. Thanks! Hope you will see that My Chacha is Gay is similarly speaking for rights and equality and spreading awareness about injustices. Glad that this story touched a chord with you. Appreciate the comment.

      Whatever the doorway into Nice Mangos was for you, I am glad you're here...might as well relax and stay a while...check out some of the other stories. Most importantly, try to keep an open mind. -E