Monday, September 24, 2012

An update from the girl who couldn't - on Orgasms &Oral...

A few weeks ago, there was some discussion on twitter about an old post of mine. Sam's story to be precise. Sam wrote about never having an orgasm...yet enjoying sex...

She baffled me and a lot of other women too.. It was the contrast of never having an orgasm and yet 'enjoying' the sex that threw me off... 

Anyhow, some ladies were curious about whether there had been any progress with that. So I decided to email Sam for an update. Here's what she had to say: 

...there has been one time where I think I did have one..except I can't be sure... I know this sounds bizarre but that actual moment is like a bit of a blank in my memory. What also makes me think these might have been orgasm's was because I felt really really emotionally over-whelmed and completely spent.. and that rarely happens to me during sex, i never reach a stage where I want or need it to stop,  (or maybe we'd just had too much sex, but seriously that has rarely ever happened, probably because I never orgasm)

But since I wrote to you and realised how strange my situation is I've thought abt it a lot and i've talked to ppl abt it, i am beginning to think that if anything this is more of psychological barrier rather than physical.

Fahmida's story really struck me because it made me realise that sex with someone whose trying to please you isn't just physically pleasurable but the idea that another person cares so much about how you feel and wants to make you feel good and can make you feel so much pleasure is so wonderful. It would be real strength to any relationship. and when ppl hold back because of their hang-ups or issues, they're not only depriving their partner but also themselves...

well thats an update on my life. I'm curious though, is there anyone else who you've spoken to who shares this problem? would love to know i'm not the only one of a kind :)

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I'm glad she mentions Fahmida, because it seems that her story has hit a nerve with many, many people.

Here's what my female interviewees had to say about oral sex:

Ayesha, Female, 28
Again a personal choice. I myself have gone down on my partners because in that moment I wanted to. Again, it is very hard to theorize sex and try to work within laws.

Layla, Female, 19
I love getting it, but not too fond of giving it. Its def one of the best ways to please your partner, and also a selfless one. Its dam tiring sometimes, and well I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with it. 

Ambreen, Female, 28
uhh... i like receiving it .. im not a big fan of giving it ..... i think it takes too long... my jaw hurts....  

Mariam, Female, 26

Oral sex is great…love it…sometimes it’s a perfect way to keep your man happy when you’re not really in the mood because they tend to be in the mood a lot more often than women …from what I’ve seen…and for you it’s terrific… because it does a lot more for you…for most women than intercourse itself…so go for it! 

Sumeira, Female, 25 

I’d rather give than receive oral sex because it’s an ego trip for me – that’s how it was in my past relationship. It was a method of control because I did control that person with sex. I know I could do it for that person better than anyone else – I was seeing a woman – I want her to remember… anyone that I’ve been with. 6 out of 10 times I did it to her – that’s how I made it.

Zobia, Female, 22
Oral sex is good and fun.  More than men, women often require it to reach an orgasm.  Its unfortunate though that many males in our community think its wrong to go down on a girl and are completely fine with the idea of their ‘girls’ going down on them.

Saira, Female, 22

I have no problem with oral sex.. I think its another form of showing ur partner u care about their feelings... i think its absolutely pathetic when men rfefuse to give oral sex to women... some desi men especially have issues.... its too bad.....its their insecurities....

Rabia Female, 23

Good question. I really wish I knew exactly how I felt about the inserting a man’s ‘willie’ into my mouth. Although the thought of it does disgust me – I do feel this could be the case because of the fact that I do not have a sexual partner. It’s hard to say what you would, or would not do “in the moment” especially if it is something you know could be extremely pleasurable to your partner. 

(I find it interesting that when I ask about oral sex, you automatically assume, I mean performing it on a man. And you're not the only female interviewee to think this way... )

(Im going to recycle an old drawing of mine, titled 'Everyone likes bananas' I find it to be quite appropriate... and also.. i don't have time to draw today. :P )

Farah, Female, 29

Mixed thoughts. Again, I would say that women are often pressurized to perform it. I think it can be great if it’s a give and take sort of thing. And re: swallowing. There is a HUGE pressure on women to do so and it is only recently really after have reading some feminist literature that I became more aware that it’s not necessary to fulfill a man’s fantasies, based perhaps on a lifetime of pornography videos, on swallowing. 

(Well however you came to that conclusion, I'm glad you did! Swallowing is a choice.. a preference...some women like to do it, some don't. If you don't like it... don't do it. A lot of women don't. What you see in porn is absolutely untrue.)

Sam, Female, 28

I think its a standard part of a sexually active life. Its not something that will physically turn on the person performing oral sex, but what is a turn on is your partner's reaction and knowing that you're being able to offer them pleasure.

I think both men and women have an irrational 'eww' apprehension towards performing oral sex for the their partners. Partially because they still find each other private parts very alien.When you're with someone sexually I think the least you can be, is comfortable with each others bodies.
i'm pretty generous when it comes to all kinds of sex, because I want my partner to enjoy themselves and specially in a long term monogomous reltionship, I feel I should offer my partner fulfillment, in return for their fidelity and love. I don't think its my duty, but i just treat it as part of a full sexual experience. However, I can't say partners always reciprocate, people can be pretty selfish about sex.

Maliha, Female, 21

Personally I would love to try it out on my partner.  I am under the impression that its terrifically stimulating for a guy so why not? One has doubts about hygiene but honestly, the human mouth has more germs than anywhere else in the body, and people are fine with kissing. But I think I’d have to be a very lucky girl to find a guy here who’s willing to go down on me.

(Maliha...why do you say that? why would u consider yourself 'very lucky', when you're more than willing to do the same for the person? Women need to recognize that they have every right to want the same types of pleasure in bed that they think men are entitled to. Guess what, you're entitled too! We need to change this attitude where we think we are only there to please men in bed. Anything they do for us is a bonus. Its utter BS, don't fall for it hun :) ) 

Mahreen, Female, 26
Love it. But if you’re a guy and you expect it, be prepared to spend some time down there yourself. 

(Hah. Very well said.)

Zulaikha, Female, 34
Oral sex rocks. It is natural and intimate and a loving gesture.

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  1. I can see where Maliha is coming from. Yes, it is plain hypocritical to expect oral sex from your partner and not reciprocate but hypocrisy has become a way of life for us. I look around and see it every where (sometimes,even in the mirror).
    Sadly things aren't changing any time soon, because we haven't labelled hypocrisy as a problem yet.
    So yes women will be denied cunnilingus and forced into fellatio for a long time to come, in the land of the pure.

  2. I would think that the overwhelming majority of people in this country have never even considered oral sex, male or female. Though I'm not contesting that men prefer to receive rather than give. Probably and ego thing.

    Eiynah, I sent you an email four days ago or so. Have you read it?

    1. i have received several emails in the past few days. I promise i will respond to them all as soon as i have the time. Thank u for emailing me :)

  3. Oral sex izzzawn. Camooonnhh! - Xtinkee

  4. I am a male and i think that this is bullshit criticizing men alone on not performing oral. I love giving oral to my partner but whenever I try to go down on her she stops me and says she does not want me to go down, on the other hand she love going down on me isn't it unfair to me as well, coz I would love to go down on her.