Wednesday, May 16, 2012

"There was no penetration, just foreplay, that’s all..."

Arsalan, 20, Male

At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?
I do not remember the precise age, I think it came to me all of a sudden, nor do I remember my precise thoughts. All I remember is, I started masturbating some time in 8th grade.

Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?
Yes, Pakistan is seriously repressed as a nation. I remember, in my 8th grade, when buying my course books, I bought the second-hand edition of my science book. It contained a chapter on human reproduction. Needless to say, I was fascinated, and showed it to my classmates. (They had the new edition of the book, which did not have those chapters. Someone must have told the teacher, because our teacher summoned me to the classroom, and personally tore the pages out of my book, murmuring “You are too young for this,blah blah blah…”.

I studied my sister’s biology books too, and the photos showing childbirth had a white paper pasted on them. Even now, as I reply to your interview in out university’s computer lab, I have to minimize the word window again and again, just in case anyone notices and I am branded a perv for life :p

Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?
The closest I came to having sex was a homosexual one, in my O levels I believe (I am strictly heterosexual, plz, not gay :p). There was no penetration, just foreplay, that’s all.

On premarital sex:
No, I have never engaged in pre-marital sex, but I am completely ok with it, as long as the people engaging in it are sincerely committed to each other (no one-night stands for me).  But a  friend of mine said “Jo chappal aap kai pair mai fit agaya, phir who har paoun mein fit ajaey ga” (If a shoe fits your foot, it would fit every foot) :p

Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?

On Arranged Marriage:
I am unmarried, I don’t believe the mode of marriage would affect sexuality, but maybe I am not too mature to answer the question yet. I was committed to a girl once, and I couldn’t entertain the notion of having sex with anyone else

On Sex & Equality:
I have read your blogs, and noticed many women complaining they don’t get orgasms. As I have not engaged in the experience yet, so the question ejaculates. A couple of years back, I read “11 minutes” by Paulo Coelho, about a woman who does not orgasm, and the question of how to make a woman orgasm, has always mystified and intrigued me. But a friend of mine has the opinion, formulated on some hadith he quote, that the intensity of a female orgasm is 70 times compared to a man(being an agnostic, I have trouble believing this). For men, pleasure is easy, whether masturbating or having sex, that’s why we ejaculate. But I do want my wife/gf, to enjoy the act as I would do, in equal (if not more) measure.

What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?
Yeah of course. You ever seen a woman on a construction site, labouring?

Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?

Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?
No. LOL.

Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?

I don’t know

Do you think about sex every day?
Yeah. 10-11 times a day I suppose.

Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?
Well, I think so. I got committed to a girl at my university, she ditched me later L.I don’t know, whether it is lust, or love, but my heart plummets and my stomach flutters whenever I see her, and I do stupid things (apologising, pleading, etc), so I think my life is affected by sex that way/

On Masturbation:
It is good, helps you release pent-up feelings. It also helps me with my break-up (or so, I would like to think)

Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you?
As long as I love the girl I am marrying, I don’t think it matters

On Pornography:
I have watched, and masturbated to porn, but some videos on the Internet are frankly disgusting (childs porno, 70 year old women, etc)

To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?
Never seen or heard about bestiality in Pakistan, although, with this country gaining notoriety in everything, I think we will get some news. Keep tuned in to GeoNews 

What are your thoughts on homosexuality?
Though  they disgust me, I am ok with it, as long as they keep themselves to themselves.I have heard about gay rapes in Pakistan, and it disturbs me. If God had wanted us to be gays, he would have created Adam and Bruce, not Adam and Eve.

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

*    *    *

In the beginning of this interview, Arsalan claims that the closest he came to having sex was a homosexual experience, and yet when asked his thoughts on homosexuality he plainly states that it disgusts him. But then, continues to say that despite that he is 'ok' with it.

If i'm left feeling more than a little confused, I can only imagine the confusion in Arsalan's young 20 year old mind.  And I just want to say to him that these mixed feelings are not uncommon. Plenty of young men in segregated societies like Pakistan have homosexual experiences as their first. All over the world, young men, young people in fact, are horny. Really, really horny... this is perfectly natural and nothing to feel guilty about.

What happens in places like Pakistan is, that there is little to no access to the opposite sex. Homosexual experiences are just a vehicle for release. All that pent up sexuality, it's bound to boil over somehow. It's kind of like prison, where men only have access to other men. Eventually a lot of them give in to their desires and welcome any kind of sex...even if its from a same sex partner.

This doesn't necessarily make anyone gay. Just... umm......'resourceful' i suppose. What I find difficult to understand is the 'disgust' he feels towards homosexuality despite having had a homosexual experience himself. You'd think that he would be able to relate to same-sex attraction in some way at least.

Could it be that because like he says, there was no penetration involved; he feels it wasn't truly a gay experience? Or is it because there is a lurking fear that due to this experience he could be considered gay? Put simply, I just want to know how you can do gay things and hate gay people for doing them?

Well whatever the case is, i'm sure its not easy to deal with such internal conflict.  For your sake Arsalan, I would just like to point out that having a 'gay' experience doesn't make you 'gay'. I'm pretty sure you know that, since you were so quick to say so yourself. But y'know incase you were wondering.. :)

A lot of kids experiment with sexuality, in both the West and the East. The context is different though, obviously.

I do thank you so much for your time and your honesty Arsalan, it takes balls to admit to having such an experience, especially if you have a problem with homosexuality. I hope that you will reconsider your disgust, because as you yourself experienced .... sexual attraction is not something you can control.

 I sincerely hope that you have made peace with your experience, and that it doesn't continue to bother you. If it does, please feel free to contact me (nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom) and we can talk some more about it. :)

Once again, I'll sign off by saying that Sex Ed. is incredibly important, so that our young people can understand themselves, their desires, and act safely on those desires...

and so they can learn to be more tolerant and accepting of difference...


(such adorable dolls eh? they should make brown versions of em and ship em to Pakistan!)

Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?

 Fahad, Male, 24
Its obviously very important, because at no point do desi parents have the 'birds & the bees' talk w/their children. This leads to misconceptions about sex and promotes many negative aspects of our society. It leads to rampant sexual experimentation with masi's, drivers, cousins, siblings, aunts and uncles. Sex ed. is also needed to promote contraception as an important part of life. Whether you're married or not.

Sultan, Male, 19
Yea, I think a person should be educated – but then again, one person’s theories do not have to make sense to another person. I think a person should form their own opinions before looking at other people’s opinions and theories. If we are talking about facts then, yes. But if someone’s theories don’t make sense to you - then it’s not like you should be expected to conform. You should be aware of what’s out there, of course. If you truly believe in the philosophy of having sex with just one person, then you should really educate yourself – it’s just another way of exploring yourself.

As far as the poorer people in this country go, i'm not sure if 'sex education' would be beneficial since they wouldn’t even be open to it. There are a lot of religious and cultural differences that act as a barrier for this knowledge to be passed onto them. I don’t think they would be very receptive at all if you were to give them such information. They would basically be very judgmental and would consider it a sin almost to be open about their sexuality. I think general education plays a big role; if we manage to educate the masses then we could get any kind of information across to them. But generally it is important to be aware and educated about sexuality.

Khizer, Male, 26
I wouldn’t take a class for it. I think every single person knows what they are and what they want. 
(After thinking about it his views change) 
Actually, I think that would help everything, it would help the poverty line, it would help the economy, that would help a lot of things… that’s how poverty starts…

Imad, Male, 25
It’s very important because - it all boils down to man restricting himself to give himself more things to do daily, that’s what we do as a species. But don’t contradict nature – there are certain things that are just happening – they are part of the living process, we should know about them and you know … not tamper with nature.

Qasim, Male, 26
Yes...again, its one of those things that like anything else ... u need to experience whats out there.. I'm  not saying u should go cheat on ur spouses.... but one should at least know about what else is out there.... im quite open minded when it comes to a lot of things... i was a very big fan of queer as folk.... it was almost a porn show... but its good to know whats out there... what gets other people off.... for the sake of spicing things up... if ur reaching a rut in a relationship..

Ali, Male, 29
yes...because one should know what sex is ... if one knows... then he can enjoy more...

NJ, 42, Male
Yes it is. I think its different if you ask some1 to suck lick then she/he initiate him/herself.
(as always NJ's comment is irrelevant, but hillarious)

Bilal, 24, Male
Definitely - it would make coming out for me so much easier. Most of the the Pakistani community are stuck with images of old stereotypes when it comes to sexuality - the effeminate gay man, the butch lesbians, the in-denial bisexuals - and even though these stereotype are alive an well in the global gay community, that's not the all there is! I use to deny being gay for the  same reason - i couldn't be gay - i wasn't effeminate in the least bit, so i how could i be gay?

S.K.A., 28, Male
Of course! But doing it in a desi way is not only impossible, it will raise a lot of ire from a lot of people. Judging by how clueless our population is, I think it would not be a bad idea to start it at the University level. 


  1. If only sex education could be named something else which doesn't lead people to think of it as something it isn't. Sex education - at least what you're meant to be taught in school - is more about contraception and STD (STI) prevention than learning about novel sex positions.

    Don't think that is very clear to many people, maybe even to a majority in Pakistan.

    I think some of the interviewees, even though agreeing with sex ed, don't have a clear grasp of what it entails.

    1. I agree Mackers,many in Pakistan have no clue what sex ed entails. It is far from sexy and scandalous...mostly just informative - as you said about STDs and contraception. But context is very important here, because to some even the mere acknowledgement of 'sex' existing is scandalous. Talking about STD's and contraception would mean that one has to openly acknowledge that they are a sexual being. For many, that is too much to handle.

      Also, as far as the interviewees are concerned, you're right - some of them may not be clear on what sex ed involves, but then again, the question they were asked was

      'Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?'

      That could be taken as meaning more than just sex ed... since 'sexuality' is a broader term.

      Thanks for ur comment :) interesting and relevant observations, as always.