Wednesday, January 21, 2015

"My first time was with a prostitute...we were supposed to copulate with her, turn by turn..."


A gentleman who is a regular reader, contacted me recently and wanted to speak about his 'first time'. He described an experience that I’ve heard quite often; Young Pakistani men losing their virginity to sex workers….

why does this happen so frequently? 

Probably because of the gender segregation and lack of access to the opposite sex, that’d be my best guess. Also, because you can't have sex with the 'pure' virgin you plan to marry, that would be tainting her...

Sex workers, ‘prostitutes’ - are often demonized and dehumanized in the way we think and talk about them. Their reality is so far removed from the average person's, we cannot possibly fathom what its like to sell sex or sex-services for a living.

But I assume that the experience really varies depending on where in the world you’re doing it, how you got into it, why you got into it, etc. Many people see sex-workers as one-dimensional ‘victims', but I’ve spoken to several on the interwebs, done my research, seen videos (have yet to have an in-person interview, but would love to do one some day) about how *some* people truly do it because they enjoy it, some make a lot of money and they find it empowering. 

That’s not to say that exploitation doesn’t occur, thats probably the majority of what occurs. But we must also consider that some people do it simply because they want to. This is also part of the reason why I refuse to treat the word ‘prostitute’ like a dirty word, there might be some power in reclaiming it. When people only want to use the sanitized term ‘sex worker’, myself included, I wonder…is it right to?  

In Pakistan, however, I doubt there are many people selling sex because they want to. The society is set up to exploit the poor and the powerless so badly... The people who visit sex workers in Pakistan, like anywhere else, come from all walks of life. And it is important to hear their stories to understand the dynamics of these interactions...

Aslam, 24

So tell me about your first time....what your expectations were...and if it lived up to your expectations:

My first time was with a prostitute. My co-workers (and buddies) arranged her for me, and we were supposed to copulate with her, turn by turn. Once the finances were sorted out, we booked an appointment (forgive me for the euphemism), got high on weed first, and waited. The girl has the perfect figure of a teen porn star (with the exception that she was brown, and hence the vagina black. I refer to the colour of her vagina because that’s a topic which pops up on your blog often. I want to take this opportunity to clarify that I have nothing against black vaginas, nor do I subscribe to the idiotic view that pink vags are superior. On the contrary, being a brown man, I like brown women more).

There is so much that bothers me about the paragraph above. But the reference to a teen-like body as perfection is perhaps on top of that list. This is not a view that is restricted to Pakistanis by any means. 

I find the language er...interesting, ‘arranged her’ … ‘copulate with her’ - seems very business-like, less like an experience with a human, more like a transaction. And wait ..you were ALL supposed to have sex with her, one after another? The poor girl. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling with one guy after another. Physically, emotionally...

And also pardon me while I cringe a little, the germophobe in me can barely share a glass of water with my friends, let alone a sex partner. But you are definitely not the first person to tell me this 'group' story Aslam...

Also the reference to brown vaginas as 'black'… not that there is anything wrong with any colour of vagina, but I hear this amongst Pakistanis a lot. Any part of your body that is not light or white, or any person that is not of a fair complexion, is not just dark… or dark brown… they are ‘black’ - there is nothing wrong with the term, but there is with the way it is used in our culture... It reminds me of how brown people hate dark skin more than anything. A side-effect of colonialism, but also something deeper.

Aslam’s view is not this, as he points out, he doesn’t have an issue with genital colour, as so many Pakistani men do (it’s true they make vagina bleach for brown women to turn their genitals into white-people genitals…that cannot be good for you)

came across this on google and was kind of blown away...
WHAT - they are trying to lighten your vagina from the inside now?

lol @ 'white' 'secret' - some great copywriting here. 


She insisted on having sex in the dark (she might have been suspecting hidden cameras, we live in Pakistan, after all) but I insisted that it was my first time, after which we agreed that I was to light up my mobile flashlight, and get down to business. I commenced as I have seen in porn, I kissed her, stroked her nipples, fingered her, the works. The foreplay was leisurely, unhurried, and gentlemanly (mild). 

Its so odd to me that ‘mild’ is described as gentlemanly… 

I was able to exercise remarkable self-control on myself, but that was maybe because I was high.
But from the very beginning, it felt as if something wasn’t right. Although I had an erection, I wasn’t turned on, which was because the scenario seemed very off to me, somehow, I don’t know why. The smells and sounds were slightly awkward as well, but they were a very small part of the problem. I commenced the act of penetration, which was pretty intense (I told you about my workouts, the squats, deadlifts and running made my thighs quite powerful) so stamina or strength wasn’t an issue.

"I commenced the act of penetration” - lol you are a formal guy aren’t you.

I must have fucked her for what seemed like an infinite time, until the point of exhaustion, where I had to retract and rest. During that particular time, I got her to go down on me, but that was also to no avail. Long story short, I fucked her in every position I’ve seen in porn, and I have seen more than my fair share of porn. The most adventurous position was when I held her entire body weight in my arms, and penetrated her while standing up.

That seems like quite a feat for a first time, damn. I guess it wasn’t her first time though…so there is that. 

All my efforts, however, were to no avail, since I could not ejaculate, since the ‘weird’ feeling remained persistent throughout the entire act. In the end, I was fed up, and she was exhausted. So I promptly got out of the room. My co-workers were like ‘You had been inside for 25 minutes dude, what were you doing?’ I looked at the wall-clock. Since I was quite interested in knowing the time duration in which I last during sex, I had noted my time of entry. They were absolutely right. I had fucked a woman non-stop for 25 minutes, and no fucking ejaculation. I checked the tip of my penis to be sure. It was dry as a stone. Needless to say, I was disappointed, frustrated, etc., etc. While the foreplay was alrite, the act of penetration was, I repeat, mildly disgusting and slightly disturbing to me. I have no idea why.

Is it possible that maybe you weren’t into it because ...you know... you paid her? I wouldn't be into it in that situation at all... is it because you didn’t know her? Maybe you weren’t aroused by her? Maybe you felt disgusted and disturbed because you felt like you were exploiting her? Did she look like she enjoyed it at all? I mean those are strong words…so I’m not sure whats going on here. Are you sure you’re into women? Have you ever been sexually abused? There could be so many factors to this.

Did you have certain expectations because of porn? How do you think that affected your encounter?

I had no expectations, because of porn, to be honest. I applied all the foreplay and fucking techniques from porn though, with great success (the physical flexibility and fitness, etc.) but no result.

How did cultural and religious inhibitions affect it?

Cultural, none. Religious, also none. I have been an agnostic for a very long time now, which means the effects of the religious programming (engaging religious fervour in children since the day they’re born, that’s how it happens in Muslim countries like Pakistan, I like to term it ‘programming) have worn off, and it's practically close to zero these days.

How did this come to be...losing your virginity with a sex worker and not someone you know?

I never gave it much thought, no regrets. Maybe that’s because I lead a very busy lifestyle. I discussed my feelings about having ‘no regrets’ with another friend, who told me promptly, that I did not feel any regrets because I have no self-respect. Needless to say, I’m confused. 

What made you decide this was the way to go in terms of a first time sex encounter

1- Lack of opportunity for consensual sex. I’ve been in relationships, but Pakistani girls are conservative when it comes to getting physical. Generally speaking, physical encounters are granted in the hope of ensnaring the guy in wedlock. I do not want to marry, I do not want to settle down (I’m 24). So I went for the no-strings attached fling. Additionally, I thought it would be a great learning experience, would come in handy if I ever get infatuated with someone. I do not use the term love, since that in my opinion, is cheesy, a thing of the movies, plus, its non-existent.

Yikes, I don’t like the way you use the term ‘ensnaring the guy in wedlock’ - look no one wants to trap anyone, its just that women have worse consequences for sex outside of marriage in a country like Pakistan, especially considering 'nature' and 'intelligent design' fucked us right over, by making us be the ones who have to bear children by ripping our bodies open. They just tend to be more careful because of that. As you know the consequences can be quite grave. Its not about trapping your amazing maleness into marriage, its about security and self-preservation. So don’t be a dick and quit thinking like that. Its a tough situation being a woman in Pakistan and not everyone is bold enough to break the oh-so-wonderful tradition of no sex before marriage.

2- Sexual deprivation, my only outlet before was masturbation, but you get tired of it when you’re 24 you know.  I had a newly acquired college degree, a newly acquired job, and a quarter life crisis on my hands. Since I solemnly intend to preferably not marry (or marry very late), I went for this mode of encounter. And as time had proved, I made the right decision. No regrets.

There is always dating you know. Much harder in Pakistan, yes, I know…. but some people do manage. There aren’t just the two extremes: marriage vs. paid for sex. You said so yourself that you’ve been in relationships… yeah girls are not going to drop their pants for you, especially if you go around with this pompous attitude of how everyone is trying to trap you into marriage. Just please remember that sex workers in Pakistan are almost always mistreated. They have probably gotten into this profession because they have no other choice, and they probably get abused and raped a lot too, considering consent from a woman is not such an important concept in our culture. 

I once heard a Pakistani “liberal” guy, very progressive who went to university abroad talk about a case where these sex workers got raped on their way back from a party they were entertaining at. And he said… "How can you rape a prostitute? I mean .. isn’t that what she does for a living any way?"

Absolutely vile. 

This is the disgusting mentality those women are surrounded by, even with educated men. Consent to sex is a basic human right (yes, its not a concept often ever mentioned in our lovely scriptures, so yeah). It is unrelated to what you do for a living. So please think about that, before you make visits a regular thing. These particular women are not empowered and doing it for themselves. They probably make very little money…

Anyway, onwards to the next question...

Where did you go to do this... can u describe your surroundings a bit?

Office room. Sofas, chairs, and desks, it had them all. And I made good use of the furniture. The surroundings were safe, private, and securely locked. I don’t take stupid risks.

Since you are a regular reader, did u refer to any Nice Mangos sex advice?

Yes. To the letter. I abstained from masturbation as well. But as you already know, I couldn’t ejaculate. Hardly complaining, though :-p

Were you nervous?

Slightly, I was afraid that due to my nervousness, I wouldn’t get an erection. Also, the general concept about having sex for the first time with a prostitute (in Pakistan) can be summarized in the main points:

(a)   You’ll have regrets later.
(b)   You won’t be able to get it up, because it’s not easy fucking a prostitute.
As per my experience, the aforementioned points are hence proven invalid.

But once the foreplay started, everything was going the way I planned, which meant that my nervousness diminished instantly.

How is it different having sex with a prostitute than any other woman? Same bits, same process…she probably has more experience with virgins if anything, so there’s that. 

What regrets do they refer to in the common Pakistani experience of losing your virginity like this? It doesn’t strike me as a place where people have regrets about exploiting a poor woman, or taking advantage of a patriarchal power dynamic… what regrets then? Religious regrets about extra marital sex? Which would explain why your agnostic ass didn’t have those….

——

So there it is, Aslam’s first experience. 

I do appreciate you sharing it with us. It’s not many people that are brutally honest about stuff like this. Thank you. 

If anyone has any questions for Aslam, do tweet them to me @nicemangos or email them to me nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom  - I have a few, and plan on doing a follow up post. So send them in.

Till next time.

And please, remember to fuck responsibly. Condoms all the way, no matter how much your desi family doctor is prescribing prayer and scripture as a cure for sexual desire.  Condoms are probably the more practical choice. 

9 comments:

  1. Somehow I find this concept of group orgy with a sex worker very disturbing..
    - Zara

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  2. It was not an orgy-just a line-up. Ah, the wonders of the WWW. Pornography in Pakistan!

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  3. Dear Aslam, first times are usually disappointing and nothing like what you expect. I know my first time was so horrible because the guy I was with me was just so mean and rude to me that I thought I would never want to have sex ever again. But six months later I met someone who was very kind to me and let me assure you it took him a while to make me comfortable enough to even entertain the idea of me having a sexual intercourse with him. And this time when I did it was so much better. Do you know why? Because there was trust and respect. We never realize it, but these things are important when you start having sex. Honestly just think about it how can you enjoy the whole experience when you don't know anything about them? Obviously over the time we all sexually mature to have the what you like to label as 'no strings attached' arrangement. Also rest assure in our part of the world it happens, you just don't know it yet and please don't generalize all women as the type who entrap men for marriage. I'm 30 years old and like my other friends more focused on having a career then hunting for a husband ;) In the end I wish you luck and hope that you do enjoy sex, take care!

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comment!

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  4. I find it offensive that you continuously second guess the guy by finding hypothetical explanations for his behavior. Case in point: Oh! so you find the young pornstar bodies sexy? Aren't you a mean cookie. I know better about what type of body you should find sexy or at least I am going to shame you for your sexual appeal preferences. Or, oh so you didn't orgasm the first time you had sex with a woman? Maybe its because you are gay. You see how assbackwards that is? Imagine if someone said the same thing about some girl who didn't orgasm her first time. There's nothing wrong in being homosexual or having homosexual tendencies but generally speaking people find it offensive if you attribute something to them that they are not. For example: I would be incensed if someone said "Oh maybe your nonbelief in god is because you had a horribly repressive upbringing and you are just rebelling" AFTER i have explicitly stated that the reason I dont believe is because I find the idea of an all seeing, constantly intervening god, illogical. (not absolute quotes but you catch the drift)

    Just thought you ought to know you are doing the same thing you are trying to fight. Pushng your ideas of right and wrong about sex, at the expense of other peoples freedom to like what they like.

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    1. My readers are always content with my responses to them. I haven't had any complaints, which is why they come to me. If you don't like the way I respond, I suggest you stop visiting my blog, and perhaps don't approach me for advice either. Since you know, you find it so unhelpful... or er.. 'offensive'.

      I do speak with a little more background information on my participants than you might have. So I wouldn't be so quick to question what I'm saying and why I'm saying it.

      "I find it offensive that you continuously second guess the guy by finding hypothetical explanations for his behavior."

      Er ...you do realise he came to me to find 'hypothetical reasons for his behaviour'. ...it's called asking for 'advice'?

      You don't sound like you have much of a point I'm afraid. There is a clear reason I pointed out the issues with liking 'young' looking bodies in particular, as is the case too often in Pakistan.

      "Just thought you ought to know you are doing the same thing you are trying to fight. Pushng your ideas of right and wrong about sex, at the expense of other peoples freedom to like what they like."

      wow you must be a real fucking idiot. Are you the same idiot from twitter the other day who thought I was too harsh, but couldn't provide any concrete examples? What did you go trawling through my blogposts to find something? And still came up short eh?

      You do realize this is my blog, and people come to me for *my* advice right ? My ideas of right and wrong are based on consent, science, and secularism. These are the values I do promote. Freedom and diversity. Sorry if they are not to your taste, or if calling out problematic references to underage was upsetting to you. But you're just going to have to fuck right off... because again, my blog. My advice. Like it or not, there are laws and ethics. I will push certain ideas of right and wrong, because I think they are either right or wrong.

      I hope that was simplified enough for you.

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  5. This guy has obviously PIED (Porn induced erectile dysfunction). And I also find the whole idea of copulating in turn with a prostitute (who knows what horrible past experiences have led her to this career choice) absolutely disgusting. It must have been traumatizing for her.

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  6. "It must have been traumatizing for her."

    Maybe, maybe not. I think it's slightly patronizing to assume.

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    1. Not necessarily that patronizing imo, our classist misogynistic culture in Pakistan is not exactly a place for 'empowered' sex workers who are doing this because they enjoy it or how good the money is. There are distinct class differences, and women, especially sex workers are oft not treated as equals, they are dehumanized. So the fact that she had to have sex with a group of friends, for the small amount of money they were probably giving her in an office room ...one after another, where the guy himself says she was hesitant to do it with the lights on because filming sex workers without consent is so common...its not *such* a stretch to think she felt not thrilled about the situation. But its possible she has been desensitized to it or numb to it, So i guess a different word, less strong than traumatized could also be used. But just to reiterate, sex work in Pakistan is usually in exploitative situations, poverty, etc. Very different from the west.

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