Tuesday, September 30, 2014

"I have never refused my husband sex, ever. Its not an option."

image from www.huffingtonpost.com

Please note: This post contains explicit content on sexual abuse.

"When my second child was arriving, I went into labour...and knowing that, my husband went to a friends party. I was alone in the hospital for a while, and terrified, till my mother arrived.

Thankfully, he decided to show up…. eventually, about an hour before the delivery.

He’s an intimidating man, I normally don’t speak up in front of him. In fact, I was so scared of him I couldn’t even ask him to come to the hospital with me instead of going to the party. So I just went alone. 

Immediately after the birth of my child he spoke to the hospital staff, stating that our first born 
was still a toddler, and that I was needed at home because of that. I was discharged within 6 hours. I guess in Pakistan they don’t give enough importance to rest and recovery for a post-birth mother. Or at least they didn’t when I was having my children.  

I had a normal vaginal delivery, but had an episiotomy (a surgical cut to the perineum with scissors or a scalpel to make the baby's birth easier and prevent severe tears that can be difficult to repair) so I was in excruciating pain and had a lot of stitches. 

As soon as I got home, I was expected to care for all my in laws, cook and clean for them as well as look after my two children. An impossible feat when one can barely stand. The first days after child-birth, you need pampering, as any new mother will tell you. You need to be looked after and you need to recover. You need all the help you can get. And to have two children under four, is extremely exhausting. To be expected to cook and clean and wait on people as soon as you enter the house, borders on some sort of abuse. It is abuse actually, now that I look back on it. I don’t know how I managed. But somehow I did, because I had no choice. I was expected to take over the house work, because I was the ‘daughter-in-law’ and that was my role. If I refused the consequences could have been worse. I got through it somehow, but I would never wish it upon anyone. 

On the third day after my delivery my husband tried to initiate intercourse and I told him (hesitantly) that I had stitches, and that the doctor had told us to refrain for 40 days as well. Then he got mad (as he often did) and I was terrified of him going elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs so I decided to just let him do what he wanted. He said he 'needed' it, and that nothing would happen. 

He said that I shouldn’t refuse him sex because then he would have to go elsewhere for it. He could tell that I was in pain and he continued anyway, my body had tensed up, I told him that I was worried my stitches would tear, and he told me it would be ok, because he would be careful. 

After that experience I was bleeding excessively and had to continue doing the housework for the whole household including waiting on my in-laws. At my next doctors visit, I told my doctor that we had had sex on the third day and she was very shocked and upset. She told me that we had to refrain. But even after that we continued having sex every four or five days (not my choice). I have never refused my husband sex, ever. Its just not an option. I was raised to keep the peace and please my husband. 

Generally my husband has a very high sex drive – he wanted sex every day. Sometimes, but rarely, there would be a one-day gap.

Many years later, we obviously don’t have a great relationship. But I continue to do what I need to, to keep my marriage going. 

I am sharing my story, so that other women may speak up if this is happening to them." 


Honestly, I am far too shocked and disturbed after hearing your story to really know what to say. 

I'm sorry.... I'm so so so sorry....I can't believe this happened to you. 

In my opinion, what you experienced right after an episiotomy was marital rape. Extremely brutal, manipulative, selfish marital rape. The man who did this to you...I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the fact that you continue to be with him, and try to 'keep your marriage going'. This story is the stuff nightmares are made of. You survived... you are an incredible, wonderful, strong human being. My advice to you would be to get the fuck away from this man. 

But that being said, I know its not easy for anyone to get out of an abusive relationship. From the outside it seems easy enough, get away from the person sucking your soul and abusing you... but its not that simple is it? I can find resources for you if you need...I can find people for you to talk to...if anyone knows any organizations in Pakistan that specialize in these situations, please do leave a link below in the comments. 

Generally though, we have to understand that divorce is not 'acceptable', still....especially for a woman in Pakistan. She is immediately regarded as someone who has lost value. A 'used product'. It's a disgusting mentality, that further objectifies a group of people that are already objectified beyond belief. It is dehumanizing, but it is real. :(

In many cases people do not receive support from their own families. They are told to 'make it work' - which is what we see above. Who knows how many years of psychological and physical abuse this person has endured. And who knows what kinds of severe impact it's had on her life, her children's life...

Divorce is something we need to start talking about as a culture more often. Add that to the fucking mile-long list. 

Marital rape is something we need to start talking about too.... It is happening all around us, especially when there is no awareness that there can be rape within marriage too. 

There is this sense of obligation to a man. To satisfy his 'needs' - because, well.... he's a man. What else are women here for? 

This is bullshit. If you don't feel like sex EVER...don't do it. Please know that you don't owe it to anyone. And any loving partner will understand that.  If they don't understand, they are the problem. This case in particular is especially horrific, considering he didn't care that she was stitched up and in pain. He had 'needs' and he wanted to satisfy them.. didn't give a fuck that she would continue to bleed, and not heal. He could have caused all kinds of complications...its inhumane, and there is no way this kind of thing can be justified. 

Oh, turns out it can...

some hadith I came across on islam.com (NOT an anti muslim site, but one run by muslims, for muslims. ) The following was what was quoted to a husband stating that he is sexually frustrated because him and his wife are not getting along and she refuses physical intimacy:

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.460

Narrated by Abu Huraira (R.A)
The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.122

Narrated by Abu Huraira (R.A)
The Prophet (saws) said, "If a woman spends the night deserting her husband's bed (does not sleep with him), then the angels send their curses on her till she comes back (to her husband)."
(Not sure exactly...what the curse of an 'angel' involves...)
I'm assuming that most people, most muslims, and most muslim men are humane enough to realise that shoving your penis inside an already injured, sliced open and stitched up vagina is extreme cruelty. But if you were wondering where this mentality comes from, its this. This is how it's justifiable. This is the "culture" that is passed down. 
Instead of making excuses for this, lets be honest with ourselves and admit that this is beyond fucked up, medieval and barbaric. 
If you want a reformed Islam we have to rid ourselves of things like this. That justify and endorse marital rape. 
I know, I know, some of you are thinking 'this is out of context' or conveniently cherry-picking the hadith that you wish to believe in and ones that you don't. But face the facts, it's there... its free to interpret however one wishes... whatever the context... this is fucked up. 
To be fair, on the website, the guy who quoted these verses, did try to tell the guy that he needs to reflect on why his sex life isn't great, and what fault of his might have resulted in a lack of intimacy. So that was good to see....nevertheless, he did provide him with ammunition of the religious kind, to coerce his wife into bed, whilst also telling him he shouldn't coerce his wife into bed. 
"Brother, Sorry to say but you looked me biased. Are you really sure that there was not a single fault of yours own? However I am quoting you couple of Hadith (S.A.W) that you can tell your wife, But remember if you tried to force your wife or taunt her regularly or used the sayings of Holy Prophet (S.A.W) or quotations from Holy Qur'an for your advantage and you denied all her rights and you only talk about your rights then INSHALLAH you will be destroyed."

(And yes, I am aware that this happens outside of Islam, in other cultures as well...it is not solely the fault of this religion, any religion. But the religion does provide divine justification, a great excuse to continue to behave in this way. That is not ok by me.)
I am really defeated by this story. It hurts so much to hear a first-hand account of things like this. 
Please know that this is never ok, and that I am here to talk and help if you need it. 
Much love, 

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  1. My mother was mentally and physically abused by my father every day of her marriage to him. I never knew the details about her sex life with him, but I can relate a lot with the rest. South Asian male ego and the incessant need to treat women like objects, runs rampant in our part of the world. Reading your story made me simultaneously angry, depressed, sad both for you and for the women of this country. To be honest, most guys my age (I'm 22) seem to push women's rights under the rug (and they shouldn't.. this is the age where you're supposed to become sensitive to such issues) because they think it doesn't matter, but I've seen what my mother has gone through and I can understand the context of this post completely... It's tough being married to someone who thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants to you, with your own parents seemingly unable or unwilling to help.

    We really need to address the root of this problem. Islam has a big part to play in it, but you find these things creeping up even in non-muslim societies. Basically if someone is a misogynist piece of shit to begin with, they'll always use whatever religion there is in the society to justify what they do. Like Nicemangoes said, men are brought up with a certain privilege here in Pakistan and that's the fundamental reason why men think they can physically/mentally abuse a woman at will. I talk about this with my sister almost every day after she comes back from school (she's 13) and she tells me how the boys are always treated much better than the girls, how girls aren't allowed sports and good seats in the classroom.... it enrages me.

    You're a brave woman and I hope you can get out of this poisonous relationship. You deserve far, far better. Everyone does.

  2. I really hate to be that guy but she could have just blown him, there are other ways to satisfy a man's desire than to submit yourself to such misery

    1. What sort of monster are you? You have any real idea? Yes she could have, she could also have killed him and I would kill you for your totally crass comment. A woman needs to be cared after child birth - you and this monster can go to the bathroom and shag your self to witless death you Moron.

    2. My interpretation of this kind of abuse is that the abuser will often want to cause as much physical and emotional pain as he can. He didn't want to be blown, he wanted to sexually assault his recovering wife through PIV sex because he feels entitled to it and wants to reassert that no matter what happens, no matter how much pain she's in and whether she's just brought another human being into this world who she has to take care of, none of that matters as much as his needs and emotions.

    3. She could have just blown him?... What if she wasn't aroused? What if she didn't want to? You're a fucking troglodyte.

  3. My wife had a episiotomy. I felt so sorry for her. It was difficult for her to walk or even sit down. Going to the bathroom was a painful ordeal. Sex was not an option. Expecting any sex from someone in that suffering state is very selfish and insensitive. He showed complete disregard for his wife's well being. She should not expect a reasonably happy life with this guy.

    1. I'm sure she knows that than anyone else. Ostensibly, she is living a life of fear and obligation due to her abuse.

  4. plzzz let me know some thing about this story where in pakistan it happened??? i request the narrator of the story (sorry)........... please do write me. i will try my best to do some thing for my this victim sister.
    Anmol Niat Jan

  5. This makes me weep and rage at the brutality of this man. I cannot understand how one human being can do this to another. It physically sickens me.
    I'm so sorry anyone has had to endure such horrors.

  6. I can't believe what I'm reading. I feel like killing that man. And I have lost so much respect for this religion, for the one verse that I have read about it. Clearly, women are not humans for Muslims.

    1. Women aren't humans for most organised religions.

    2. You do realise that the hadiths you quoted are used on practicing Muslim men who practice islam the correct way. (Genuiniely good muslims). There would be no form of force or nothing.

      Not the abusive 'Islam' that humans have created. Nowadays people who dont even pray or read quran throw those hadiths around, expecting their wives to listen. Basically they only use religion to justify their needs. so it doesn't work like that.

      If you properly read upon Islam without any bias, you would know it doesn't advocate abuse. And is nothing what disgusting pakistani culture has made it to be.

  7. first of all, he is no man, but an abusive controlling coward. he should be in jail, not for rape, but for aggravated rape (with intent to do bodily harm) he is an insult to the male population of the world.

  8. I'm completely enraged by the savagery of that man. I feel extremely sorry for the mother, it's a shame for a human to descent to a level below that of animals to satisfy his needs. Let alone involving a whole religion with him.
    But I bear some of the blame on the author of the article for protraying that verse as the source of it. Or even as a contributing factor. You should address the root of this problem instead of winging it blindly towards religion.

    I'm willing to write down verse after verse, of hadith and quran on how this situation is unacceptable in islam. If there's a source for this work of savagery it would be primarily cultural and educational.

    It's the lack of islam that leads to this, and you don't even need to be a distinguished scholar in islam to uphold the inhumane nature of such acts.

    There's also a hadith that remarks something about heaven being at the feet of mothers (to show how islam cherishes mothers for going through the feats of pregnancy and labor).
    If there was even a remnant of religion in that man he wouldn't have done that.

    I don't want to go into details regarding the hadith in this comment, although I'm more than happy to discuss it on another matter for two reasons:
    1-It's only unfair for the lady in the story to have her suffering justified by a hadith, regardless of it entailing a completely different scenario.
    2- It's preposterous to tell her that islam ((as a religion)) is the source of your misery, or this hadith or that hadith are the reason why you should be oppressed and damaged both physically and mentally.

    This poor lady's suffering, and her husband's savage act...is not even remotely related to islam. (If such a man should even be called a "husband")

    "و عاشروهن بالمعروف..."
    "Live with them honorably"
    -Al-Nesa'a (19)

    "إن الله يأمر بالعدل والإحسان وإيتاء ذي القربى وينهى عن الفحشاء والمنكر والبغي يعظكم لعلكم تذكرون"
    "Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded."
    -An Nahl (90)

    All of these are quotes from quran which is stronger and more accountable than hadith can be. That's what islam asks of a husband to do for his wife.

    Because there is no religion on earth that requires "a mother" to go through such hardship for any reason whatsoever.

    It should also be noted that verses in quran encourage the safety of a person over his own duties toward god, such as:

    "لا يكلف الله نفسًا إلا وسعها"
    -Surah Al-Baqara (286)

    "Man's answerability to God is limited by the extent of his ability. If a man does not have the ability to do a certain thing, God will not take him to task for not having performed it."

    Which means that god does not lay a responsibility (be it religious or not) on anyone beyond his capacity.
    And by default, a person's health is an essential part of his "capacity".

    And I quoted from the very Verse most muslims recite every night before sleep.

    I'm not here to defend islam as a religion, there are people who are more educated than I am who can explain what needs to be explained within the context of religion.
    But I, with my humble knowledge about islam, can't stand still while seeing such misfortune and abuse be linked to a religion that practices the exact contrary of what's written in this article.

    1. The thing is... the author of the article didn't quote those verses to back up THEIR point that THEY were making. No... other Islamic men on an Islamic site were telling these verses to a man whose wife refused to sleep with him. That's why these quotes are here.

      It really should come as NO SURPRISE TO YOU, or to anyone in the history of mankind, to know that people cherrypick their religions. They always do and they always have... they always will.


  9. As a man all I could do was cry for the lady. As some one else has commented I would love to teach the husband a few things but see that too is pointless. Why? Because if the parents of the man were in the house, especially the mother in law, then she would know what suffering her daughter in law is undergoing. And this then brings Elynah's blog theme into play. It is the Muslim mother who must first educate her children. It is the Muslim mother who must move away from the lies that exist in Islam. How can there be a God who tells his followers to kill and rape and pillage, and promise them as reward Virgins in Heaven. This is so sexist that the followers, surely the 100 who went with the Prophet initially must have been a band of simple mercenaries bent on making good with a faith that justified the entire exercise and the Prophet was probably no Prophet, just a man wanting success at any cost. He himself set an example by marrying Aysha all of 6 years of age and had sex with her when she was 9.Maybe it was OK in those days as someone will promptly justify it, but it is not today. So do not quote Shariah. In India they even have a separate Muslim Person Law which needs to be repealed. There are plenty of current analysis of the Prophet himself that even question the veracity of the claim that the Quran was the word of God. IF God himself is a racist - when he divides the world into Believers and Dis-beleivers then how can any good come out of it. There is plenty on the Internet for humanitarian Muslims to read and learn from, but these would be termed Bad Muslims by the holders of the faith. I pray that Elynah and other ex Muslims find some peace eventually because what they are doing is something at the very highest level - to risk their lives for what they believe in. Kudos!

  10. You do realise that the hadiths you quoted are used on practicing Muslim men who practice islam the correct way. (Genuiniely good muslims). There would be no form of force or nothing.

    Not the abusive 'Islam' that humans have created. Nowadays people who dont even pray or read quran throw those hadiths around, expecting their wives to listen. Basically they only use religion to justify their needs. so it doesn't work like that.