|image from www.huffingtonpost.com|
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
"I have never refused my husband sex, ever. Its not an option."
Please note: This post contains explicit content on sexual abuse.
"When my second child was arriving, I went into labour...and knowing that, my husband went to a friends party. I was alone in the hospital for a while, and terrified, till my mother arrived.
Thankfully, he decided to show up…. eventually, about an hour before the delivery.
He’s an intimidating man, I normally don’t speak up in front of him. In fact, I was so scared of him I couldn’t even ask him to come to the hospital with me instead of going to the party. So I just went alone.
Immediately after the birth of my child he spoke to the hospital staff, stating that our first born
was still a toddler, and that I was needed at home because of that. I was discharged within 6 hours. I guess in Pakistan they don’t give enough importance to rest and recovery for a post-birth mother. Or at least they didn’t when I was having my children.
I had a normal vaginal delivery, but had an episiotomy (a surgical cut to the perineum with scissors or a scalpel to make the baby's birth easier and prevent severe tears that can be difficult to repair) so I was in excruciating pain and had a lot of stitches.
As soon as I got home, I was expected to care for all my in laws, cook and clean for them as well as look after my two children. An impossible feat when one can barely stand. The first days after child-birth, you need pampering, as any new mother will tell you. You need to be looked after and you need to recover. You need all the help you can get. And to have two children under four, is extremely exhausting. To be expected to cook and clean and wait on people as soon as you enter the house, borders on some sort of abuse. It is abuse actually, now that I look back on it. I don’t know how I managed. But somehow I did, because I had no choice. I was expected to take over the house work, because I was the ‘daughter-in-law’ and that was my role. If I refused the consequences could have been worse. I got through it somehow, but I would never wish it upon anyone.
On the third day after my delivery my husband tried to initiate intercourse and I told him (hesitantly) that I had stitches, and that the doctor had told us to refrain for 40 days as well. Then he got mad (as he often did) and I was terrified of him going elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs so I decided to just let him do what he wanted. He said he 'needed' it, and that nothing would happen.
He said that I shouldn’t refuse him sex because then he would have to go elsewhere for it. He could tell that I was in pain and he continued anyway, my body had tensed up, I told him that I was worried my stitches would tear, and he told me it would be ok, because he would be careful.
After that experience I was bleeding excessively and had to continue doing the housework for the whole household including waiting on my in-laws. At my next doctors visit, I told my doctor that we had had sex on the third day and she was very shocked and upset. She told me that we had to refrain. But even after that we continued having sex every four or five days (not my choice). I have never refused my husband sex, ever. Its just not an option. I was raised to keep the peace and please my husband.
Generally my husband has a very high sex drive – he wanted sex every day. Sometimes, but rarely, there would be a one-day gap.
Many years later, we obviously don’t have a great relationship. But I continue to do what I need to, to keep my marriage going.
I am sharing my story, so that other women may speak up if this is happening to them."
Honestly, I am far too shocked and disturbed after hearing your story to really know what to say.
I'm sorry.... I'm so so so sorry....I can't believe this happened to you.
In my opinion, what you experienced right after an episiotomy was marital rape. Extremely brutal, manipulative, selfish marital rape. The man who did this to you...I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the fact that you continue to be with him, and try to 'keep your marriage going'. This story is the stuff nightmares are made of. You survived... you are an incredible, wonderful, strong human being. My advice to you would be to get the fuck away from this man.
But that being said, I know its not easy for anyone to get out of an abusive relationship. From the outside it seems easy enough, get away from the person sucking your soul and abusing you... but its not that simple is it? I can find resources for you if you need...I can find people for you to talk to...if anyone knows any organizations in Pakistan that specialize in these situations, please do leave a link below in the comments.
Generally though, we have to understand that divorce is not 'acceptable', still....especially for a woman in Pakistan. She is immediately regarded as someone who has lost value. A 'used product'. It's a disgusting mentality, that further objectifies a group of people that are already objectified beyond belief. It is dehumanizing, but it is real. :(
In many cases people do not receive support from their own families. They are told to 'make it work' - which is what we see above. Who knows how many years of psychological and physical abuse this person has endured. And who knows what kinds of severe impact it's had on her life, her children's life...
Divorce is something we need to start talking about as a culture more often. Add that to the fucking mile-long list.
Marital rape is something we need to start talking about too.... It is happening all around us, especially when there is no awareness that there can be rape within marriage too.
There is this sense of obligation to a man. To satisfy his 'needs' - because, well.... he's a man. What else are women here for?
This is bullshit. If you don't feel like sex EVER...don't do it. Please know that you don't owe it to anyone. And any loving partner will understand that. If they don't understand, they are the problem. This case in particular is especially horrific, considering he didn't care that she was stitched up and in pain. He had 'needs' and he wanted to satisfy them.. didn't give a fuck that she would continue to bleed, and not heal. He could have caused all kinds of complications...its inhumane, and there is no way this kind of thing can be justified.
Oh, turns out it can...
some hadith I came across on islam.com (NOT an anti muslim site, but one run by muslims, for muslims. ) The following was what was quoted to a husband stating that he is sexually frustrated because him and his wife are not getting along and she refuses physical intimacy: