Monday, August 18, 2014

"The pressure from the water made me orgasm...."



I've contacted you over the past few years on different occasions using different email addresses. I'm sad that sex is such a taboo to talk about but I'm also glad that whenever I've had an issue or story to share I've been able to look towards your blog for help. Thank you for that E.

Thank you for such kind words.... comments like this really make it worthwhile. I am so glad to be able to offer a place where discussion and questions are welcome. I am honoured that you think me worthy to speak to about such private matters. 

I wanted to tell you an experience that only very few people besides me know about but I feel like its something that isn't talked about much. I'm talking about masturbation. Especially female masturbation.

Like most people, I discovered it by accident and the first time I had an orgasm I thought I was having a heart attack lol. I was 14 at the time.

The issue is, I did not know how to masturbate because no one had told me and because I had no education about this. I can't stress how important it is for sex education to be implemented in Pakistan because this lack of knowledge caused me serious issues.

Couldn't agree more...sexuality trickles into so many aspects of our lives....it is super important..and I wish the country would start acknowledging this soon. Schools, parents, the fucking government.... anyone...and everyone...needs to get behind sex ed. 

Let me explain how. Since I didn't know how to use my fingers, I did it by using the Muslim shower. (This is a colloquial term for what is known as a bidet shower or bidet sprayer. It's a small shower installed right next to the toilet in many muslim homes, used to wash your behind :P  because that's how we roll, wash, then wipe....its also how a lot of girls from this part of the world discover masturbation.) Pictured below: 


The pressure from the water made me orgasm the first time and then I kept doing it.
At first, I used to feel incredibly guilty after masturbating. I used to cry about how I was going to go to hell and how God was going to punish me by making me pregnant even without having sex, because I had no idea what I was doing. (In hindsight, I was a pretty stupid kid)

Aww no :( you were not stupid - there is just such little information about sex and sexuality in our culture that it really messes with kids' minds. They have no one they can speak freely to, and no one that can answer their questions - which are a normal, healthy part of growing up. Questions are how we learn things, I really wish more parents and educators would encourage this type of dialogue. I'm always here if someone needs an ear :) email me at nicemangosDOTblogATgmailDOTcom

Anyways, I eventually got over the guilt and started enjoying myself. Over time it became harder to cum and I would take longer.

I'm glad you got over the guilt, because there is really nothing to feel guilty about. Masturbation is a perfectly normal part of life. Since there is little to no discussion about female masturbation in our culture, we are left to draw our own conclusions about it whenever we do come across it. I've heard of other people thinking they were having a heart attack too....and heard from one guy who freaked out when he consciously experienced his first erection because he thought his penis was growing a bone or something. Guys still end up discussing it, or joking about it.... but girls... almost never. Since guys in our culture do discuss it, they end up hearing the weird theories like; "It saps your energy and leaves you weak" - women don't even get to hear that. Masturbation in women is just not supposed to exist. Just goes to show how desperately we need unbiased sex ed. 

I kept at it for 6 years before I actually had sex. And that is when I realized I had lost most, if not all, sensation down there. I could feel the penetration but it just wasn't as pleasurable as the high pressure of the water that I was used to. So I would enjoy sex but I would not be able to cum. I tried fingers, oral, everything. I just couldn't feel it.

Ok, so...firstly the stats are pretty high (something like 1/3) for women not being able to climax through penetration alone... so thats not a shocker. Read through these Myths and Facts of the Female Orgasm from the Society of Gynaecologists and Obstetricians of Canada for more information...I'm pretty sure they know their stuff :P 

But yes, as you mentioned, you did try oral and manual stimulation, and even that doesn't work. I think 6 years of orgasming only with high water pressure has not necessarily physically numbed or desensitized your body, it has just gotten you used to *one* VERY specific way that requires a lot of force and pressure. And I will repeat this, I am no doctor or sex therapist. But in my humble opinion, I think deprivation is the answer here. You have to give up your vibrator and your muslim shower. Go back to the basics, so to speak. If you are not aroused by mere human touch - abstain...and abstain some more... till you're horny as fuck...and really just need to get off....then abstain some more.

I would say give yourself at least a couple of weeks off from masturbating and sex completely. Nothing like abstinence to get yourself in the mood. If two weeks doesn't work, try four weeks. And no matter how tempted you are. Do not use that shower, because you'll set the clock back to zero the second that you do. 

When the day has finally arrived that you can allow yourself to cum again...get yourself really in the mood before you allow physical contact down below. Be it with a partner or by yourself. Read some erotica, watch something, whatever floats your boat. Just get very, very aroused - and then take it slow. Focus on every touch and every sensation as opposed to one rush of pressure or vibration. Hopefully that should do the trick. And hey, please keep me posted! I hope this works for you. And if it does....stay away from your vibrator and your muslim shower, unless you're washing your bum... then by all means go for it. :P Because you're trying to reprogram your brain here... if you go back to those old habits... you'll undo the work you put into it. 

Even today, I can't cum unless I use a vibrator, even during sex.

This might just be the 'women don't always cum from penetration' thing, and many women never actually do. Its no biggie though, just requires some oral and/or manual involvement... :) 

I wish someone had told me about masturbation earlier and how to do it properly because the lost sensitivity not only causes stress for me but also for my partners who feel inadequate because they can't satisfy me.

It's probably not lost sensitivity, its just becoming used to one thing. And hopefully you can fix that. If this problem persists, even after taking the steps above...maybe consult a doctor.... if you're too shy to consult a doctor about this, come talk to me.. and maybe I can talk to a doctor on your behalf and see what they have to say...but hopefully we can rectify this with the steps above... its just a matter of retraining yourself. People who use vibrators regularly still don't have problems with orgasming through other means...but perhaps if you *only* use vibrators and high pressured methods, you begin to require more and more force. 


I'm 24 now and most of my friends still talk about masturbation as a dirty thing that only bad people do. I refuse to believe that these 20-something year old women have never masturbated in their lives and I feel sad at how conflicted they must be on the inside about this trivial issue.

Yep, you're right...it must suck to do it but feel guilty about it even at the age of 20 something...though, I wouldn't be too surprised if one or two of your friends actually haven't....thats what a lifetime of being told that your body is shameful and sexuality is dirty can do to you. Send them over to my blog... maybe reading a few posts will show them that being a sexual being is ok...even in our culture... even in the land of the pure...

I have written about masturbation in the past. Check out the posts here and here .... oh... and here too! 

3 comments:

  1. Just wanted to comment here and say I discovered masturbation through the muslim shower too (I'm a woman) and I was also terrified because it took me longer to orgasm over time and I felt as though I was becoming less sensitive. I thought it would be impossible to orgasm from anything except the shower.

    However, after about five or six years of using the shower alone, I started trying rubbing my clitoris with my fingers and penetration from different angles and I found I was able to make myself cum using my fingers as well. It was harder and took a longer time but it was possible. I still can't come from oral or penetrative sex but thats fairly normal and having learnt how to come using my fingers I am hopeful that given enough experimentation I can learn that too.

    I would suggest you do as Eiynah has suggested and also experiment a lot yourself. Don't be afraid about having lost sensation or masturbated the 'wrong' way (I'm a medical doctor - that is simply not possible). You're likely to be able to learn how to orgasm in other ways too. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you so much for leaving this comment. It is so important for people to hear that they are not alone in certain experiences. Cheers!

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  2. Sex Advice Columnist Dan Savage would completely agree with your advice.

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