Saturday, July 19, 2014

Muslim Guys for fun *after* Ramadan

So someone forwarded me a link to an Ad on a classifieds forum, the text reads:

*twenty-something* male in toronto, student looking to connect with guys on-campus or nearby after ramadan. i'm not gay, just looking to jerk, suck, and fuck. 

hoping to hear back from guys of colour and other muslim guys. 
i prefer middle eastern, south asian, and any muslim. i only suck clean cut cocks.


I have blocked out all identifying information, as well as any parts of the photo that might have identified the person.

But there isn't much to say, as the text really speaks for itself.

Just a very straight dude, looking for post-ramadan gay sex.

 "i'm not gay, just looking to jerk, suck, and fuck."

Of course, yes, a quick suck and fuck never made anyone gay. And so glad you're keepin' it holy by only soliciting for such activities post Ramadan.

"hoping to hear back from guys of colour and other muslim guys."

Ah yes, the religious beliefs of your one-night stands/casual encounters are so important.

"i only suck clean cut cocks." 

Such specific preferences for someone who's NOT gay.

This is funny, but its also sad. Reflective of a lot of our desi/Muslim attitudes towards homosexuality. Sheds some new light on the term 'holy hypocrisy'.

But poor guy, it must be tough living in a world where you want to have gay sex bad enough that you have to solicit it on a forum, but also have to justify that you're *not* gay simultaneously. Not accepting yourself is painful. And my heart goes out to him. Its hard to want to do something that is obviously a grave sin in your religion *and* adhere to the find some compromise and do it outside of the holy month of Ramadan...but surely the internal conflict goes beyond that.

I once interviewed a 20 year old, who thought somewhat similarly. Having engaged in a same sex encounter himself, but when asked about his thoughts on homosexuality referred to it as 'disgusting' :/

Today as I was about to post this ad, it just so happened I heard from him again. Below is our conversation:

A: u judged me kinda inaccurately in your last post about me, in the concluding paragraphs.
    lol i remember i filled this out in my university's pc lab

Me: so what did u find inaccurate

A: the gay thing. you said my young mind was confused about the gay thing. I was never confused on the gay thing

Me: you still find it disgusting?

A: if i think closely about it, then yes, i find it disgusting

Me: why would you do it yourself then?

A: but at the same time, i support gay marriages an equal rights for gays and the lgbt community

Me: thats can you support something u find disgusting?

A: i will try to elaborate.
     in absolute honesty, if truth be told.
     I wasn't horny at that time, i had just gone thru a break up, so i was exploring other, erm avenues.

     to this day, i kinda feel some degree of carnal affection for my male friend
     but i cannot stand the idea of doing it with other man or boy.
     that would disgust me.

Me: yeah but if you find it disgusting, why would you...
       ....but yet you feel carnal affection?

A: towards that one male friend only, yes.

Me: but you do see how that could classify as having 'homosexual' feelings

A: yes, those feelings are homosexual.
     i know that

Me: so then how can you find homosexuality disgusting?

A: but i would never feel the same feelings, nor think the same way, about any other man or boy, that would be disgusting

Me: does this internal conflict not tear you up?

A: no it does not.

Me: why is it ok about this one boy?

A: we got comfy together, thats my guess. we no longer meet up though.

Me: so would it not be possible in the right circumstances that you could get comfortable with another guy?

A: no, it would never be possible, the idea of it would disgust me.

Me: you see, that is really confusing to me
how did it not disgust you with this one person?

A: with this one person, the process was gradual.
we started slowly, then became gradually bolder. 
he started it

Me: But in order to 'start', there have to be some feelings involved, no?
or was it just out of convenience?

A: it was just out of convenience, and strictly carnal.

Me: but still...the fact that you say you find homosexuality disgusting .. is baffling to me
finding it disgusting is different from finding it just 'not for you'

A:  i dnt find homosexuality in general to be disgusting
if i find 2 people kissing in front of me, with both being men, i would be okay with it.
its just that the idea of getting involved with those men sexually myself would disgust me
is it clearer now?

Me: 'disgust' is a strong word .... especially for someone who has been in a same sex encounter before...

A: i know its strong, but it is the one word
which describes my feelings completely

Me: but yeah, from what u told me in the interview i don't think i judged you inaccurately

A: for the most part, you didn't, i agree with you.
its just when you referred to me as 'confused'
i was never confused, i never felt conflicted
there was no emotional ordeal involved, except the one of having lost my girl friend

Me: i mean if someone were to tell me to picture a same sex encounter, and I am straight....i wouldn't say i feel 'disgusted' by the thought, i'd just say .. nah .. thats not going to work for me... it'd get awkward really fast ...

A: i understand what you mean

Me: so to the naked eye, you do appear confused
with the information i was given, it was the kind of conclusion anyone would draw..

A: if some were to tell me to picture a same sex encounter, i would feel disgust
as in, the pukey kind of disgust.

Me: but thats what i'm saying

A: and i agree, i do appear confused.

Me: that is really intense
especially for a supporter of LGBT rights

A: to the naked eye, you're absolutely right
maybe its just that i find too many things disgusting

Me: if you logically know its just like any other sexual encounter, then why have 'pukey' feelings about it ?

A: well, as every paki 12 yr boy would tell u
when a paki boy pictures that encounter
automatically, an image of a dirty, smelly pathan chowkidar [regional stereotype] groping a 9 year old boy comes to mind. maybe that has something to do with it.

the disgust is embedded in my childhood.

and for the record, i dnt think all pathans are gay, on the contrary, some of my best friends are pathan.

Me: and that is SO wrong, so conflate homosexuality with pedophilia.....

A: but in pakistan, there is no clear distinction between the two

Me: that distinction needs to be made and understood. 

yes and the ethnic/racist aspect to it, well thats another wonderful part of our culture, to let false stereotypes flourish and go unchecked

A: the closest Pakistani men come to discussing homosexuality is discussing groping pathans

Me: one is not related to the other at all

A: i understnd, and i agree.

Me: you do realise that pedophiles can be straight too...and often are
i don't think they swing one way or the other as a group

A: yeah, i realise that
i understand all these sexual orientation related distinctions
because i bumped into your blog
at a very tender age.

Me: im very glad about that!

A: so am i.

------gonna take a moment and squeal with joy!! How fucking wonderful is that?! that one person was positively influenced by stuff I say/draw. You have made my week A ... thank you------ 

Me: Pedophilia and childhood sexual abuse is another thing we desperately need to create more awareness in our culture about

A: yeah

Me: but anyhow, please.... do make the distinction

A: i do make it, dnt u worry

Me: good

A: and all the maulvi's raping boys in the masjids (mosques).

Me: homosexuality has NOTHING to do with pedophilia NOTHING

A: yeah, i understand that!

Me: but then you need to stop thinking of it as 'disgusting' or 'pukey'
especially if you're an ally and supporter
its offensive
A: and i say ur blog taught me that a long while ago, so you need to have faith in ur writing

Me: thank you
that is a HUGE compliment

A: you're welcome, and i thank you too, for all that your blog taught me

i think i started reading ur blog when i was in my o' levels (10th &11th grade)....

coming back to the 'disgust' thing

its psychological, i can't help it, its something which is deeply embedded in every paki boy's childhood.

i dnt feel 'disgusted' by choice.

Me: interesting point you bring up
and that is something we need to change
and I hope projects like 'My Chacha is Gay' can work towards that

A: we grew up discussing rapist maulvis and gay smelly pathans.

Me: those are pedophiles, (and the second is just a racist/homophobic false stereotype)
predators, who will prey on any child that is accessible...

Me: to equate them with lovely, respectable people who value consent like any decent human being, but just happen to be attracted to the same sex is offensive, and awful. i know you realise that.

A: i do, yeah.

A: but you need to understand
in the average paki person's mind's eye
its all the same

Me: yeah but you are not the average person if you recognize all these things

A: i'll make a confession
I have an important physical fitness test coming up next week
which means i haven't masturbated in like about 3 weeks

i just hope i clear it, and i want u to pray for me, okay?

Me: what does masturbation have to do with a physical fitness test?
haha i send you positive vibes but you are asking the wrong person for prayer :P 

A: i know, and i asked for the positive vibes only.
i am an agnostic, as i told u before

well the masturbation thing is another example of the paki concept ingrained in our minds since     teenage.

that masturbating will decrease ur strength.

Me: yeah, thats not true
come on ... you know that
have you read my posts on masturbation?

A: i have, i know.

A: i know it ain't but i dare not masturbate until after monday, when my test is over

Me: because some things are just that deeply embedded eh?

A: exactly!

Me: and that explains everything
the disconnect between your logical thoughts and your gut reactions

A: i will give u another example

Me: jeez, we can do some serious damage to our kids, huh?

A: we do.

Me: well ... at least you recognize it...
and i believe that is the first step towards recovery

A: i do, but that doesnt make me any better for it.
i am an agnostic, but i still feel depressed sometimes....

Me: it does... im sure you can work towards changing it now you know its there

A: ....thinking that because i do not pray 5 times a day, i will go to hell, and all

Me: you won't :P 

A: i smile as i type 'i agree' right now

Me: living with that kind of fear is a hell in itself

A: but in my mind's mind, there remains that lingering doubt.
and that is because
though my parents never spanked me
i received a helluva lot of beatings from my maulvi (Quran teacher) 

Me: you're still young... and you're on the right track... read more, learn more about the world... and you'll be ok.

Me: thats FUCKED UP


did u tell your parents?

A: when reciting the quran, he would hit my knees with the miswak (teeth-cleaning twig) 

Me: did they have him arrested?

A: no, my mother supported him
and my maternal uncles supported him too.
and even i supported him then
i was told that this beating here, was better than the beating of hell fire
and at that time, i felt elation at the idea that he fucked my knees up
and thats every paki boys story

Me: this breaks my heart..... that is plain child abuse
I am so so sorry

A: you dnt have to be, almost every paki boy has suffered it.


Anyhow, we had to part ways shortly after....

but there you have it, the inner workings....the damage certain things can do...the extent of that damage, how confusing it can be for a young mind....and how hard it is to let go of things deeply ingrained.... an irrational disgust of irrational fear of hell fire.... these are things we carry with us, and sometimes find hard to escape. Please, don't do this to our future generation....its in your hands...

much love and gratitude to A for sharing his story and for explaining quite well some of the contradictions that keep cropping up...

As an aside; why do so many Pakistanis use the word 'paki' - its such an awful derogatory term...but anyhoo, thats for another day, another post. 



  1. An interesting read, albeit not a new one to me personally as a Muslim. I just wanted to say though that there are plenty of gay men around who are repulsed by straight sex, specifically women and vaginas.

    People are "repulsed" by the kind of sex/bodies they do not enjoy, I don't think there's any need to always read too deeply into that.

    1. Sure, but my point is - how can u be repulsed by an act you have engaged in yourself?

  2. Unfortunately, this is kind of guilt and "disgust" not reserved to just former Muslims. I have several friends and have met many that still struggle with guilt that was ingrained into them at a young age by their religions. Evangelical Christianity, Catholicism, Mormon, Jehovah Witnesses etc. I was only ever subjected to Christian lite(non-denominational Christianity) yet it still took me years to root out twisted thoughts about my homosexuality, even after I had accepted it. Sadly, rewiring destructive childhood perceptions is hard work. I think because denial is so much easier many don't want to challenge their thoughts.

  3. Heart breaking story. We still have such a long way to go. I cannot imagine why a healthy, sexual act would generate repulsion or disgust, other than brainwashing. It seems that religion, in all its different flavours, comes down to brainwashing. I take comfort in the changes made in the last couple of decades. I hope we continue on the same direction.