Though I don't expect much from Pakistanis in terms of actively voicing a cause such as this...crazier things have happened because of social media. Prove me wrong. Please.
At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?
I was molested as a child by my cook. I was eight years old. He repeatedly molested me for almost a year. I did not understand the experience at all except that it was painful, it made me bleed and that if I told anybody, he would kill me. Of course, this was something he had convinced me of. He also told me I made him do these things. I was very afraid at the time. I think I blocked it completely for years. I didn’t tell anyone till I was 20.
Instinctively, I knew it was BAD and wrong. However, I feared my changing body and blamed it on the experience entirely. It was so traumatic, that eventually I blocked it from my mind by sheer will.
I began masturbating (completely by accident) when I was 11. The muslim shower pretty much did the trick. I didn’t know what I was doing except that it made me feel deliciously good and the moment when I orgasmed was so wonderful that I would do it over and over just to feel it again.
I found out about sexual intercourse from my biology book in 9th grade. I was horrified and it brought back feelings of shame and guilt. However, I was also excited and disturbed that people would do such a thing. I still blocked my childhood molestation (I might as well call it rape) but it would try to creep back into my mind.
Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?
Yes. I think Pakistan is sexually repressed. I think people impose guilt and shame on sexuality and mess everything up.
Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?
I have had sex many times. I have engaged in sexual intercourse with my boyfriends. I had a couple of one night stands which made me uncomfortable. However, I do not regret those experiences.
I had my first penetrative sexual encounter at the age of 27. Before that I had avoided penetration (and done “everything else”) because it frightened me and brought back bad memories. I have had therapy for my guilt but it creeps back in now and then. However, I got over it mostly when I just did it. I wouldn’t have done it and would have stayed frightened if the man hadn’t insisted or threatened to leave me. Bad start but it led to a more fulfilling life. The first time was pallid and quite uninteresting. I didn’t “feel” anything except mild pain. There was no blood. It was quite disappointing. Later I realized it was the man who just didn’t know how to use it! I even blamed myself for it and felt awful and stupid. But again, later, other men proved me wrong.
I love sex. I love the idea of it. I love wanting it. I love doing it. I love doing everything I can during sex. I love how it creates a new realm of understanding/perspective and you become something you are not even aware of otherwise. I love how I can let go and enjoy myself. I also love how I can please another human being. It is gratifying and so much fun.
On premarital sex:
I’ve only ever had pre-marital sex. I’m not married. I just know I couldn’t deny myself sex just because I’m not married. That’s mostly how I’ve been.
The one night stands were between relationships and were not very satisfying. I think sex with a particular person improves with time. You grow into each other and understand every nuance, every signal, every glance. It gets better that way. Sometimes, it is so good it almost kills you with pleasure. I think the Japanese call orgasms “little deaths” for a reason.
Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?
Yes. I’ve had 7.
On Arranged Marriage:
Not married. Yet. If it happens, it will happen. Just like that :)
On Sex & Equality:
I don’t think it is a completely equal act all the time. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes, you have to let the other person enjoy themselves more because it gives you a feeling of having done something good for the other person. I find it hard to explain.
However, if it’s always not equal, then it’s a problem. That wouldn’t really work now, would it? It just wouldn’t be fair. It would also make the person missing out on the fun feel very bad.
What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?
I am generally confused about gender roles in the society these days. I don’t really want to even think about it. I think I am tired with gender roles.
Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?
Yes I have. I usually have multiple orgasms. I have one followed by another one almost instantly and then another. It is a very pleasing and breathless experience.
The first time I experienced it was while masturbating because I continued doing what I was doing to myself even after I reached orgasm. I was surprised because it didn’t stop but kept going. Then I decided that I would see how many I could have at the same time. I think my record was 9.
I don’t think I am pleased during sex until I have three in one go. I like telling my partners when I orgasm and how many times because it pleases them.
Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?
I think there is a spot which is more sensitive but I am not quite sure where it is. For some insane reason I think it changes. I think it goes for a walk and decides to settle down in different places.
Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?
Yes I know quite a few women who have had sex but haven’t experienced an orgasm. Some don’t even know that they should have one. It makes me sad. It also frustrates me. Why would this be happening to them?
Do you think about sex every day?
I have days when I think about it all the time. But then I have days when I don’t at all. But if I’m reminded of it (by a person, a film, a book, a picture etc) then I start thinking about it. When I was younger, I thought about it more often. I think when I get older, I’ll probably think about it more. Sometimes, I ignore the thought because I work so much. When I’m older and I don’t have to work as much, I’ll probably think about it more.
Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?
I am an artist. A lot of my work comes from my sex drive. Sometimes I think I feel alive because I know sex exists.
Masturbation is normal. It helps relieve stress. It also gives pleasure. Self-love is important for self esteem.
Would you morally, ethically or in any way, have a problem with marrying someone who had had sex with someone before you?
Not at all. Virgins frighten me. Inexperience is frightening. I avoid sexual encounters with inexperienced people.
I love porn. It is a visual form of fantasy that I enjoy not just for sexual reasons. I find it very interesting and I enjoy dissecting it to understand visual and human culture.
I think it represents the history of the sexual experiences and fantasies of people over time. Vintage pornography is a favorite of mine. I look for it to understand the human condition of the past.
What are your thoughts on homosexuality?
If you’re gay, you’re gay. That’s how I see it. I think people are born gay or straight. Nobody should have a problem with it. It would be like having an issue with somebody being straight. You are what you are.
Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?
Yes. It’s very important. If you know more about it, you can make better choices.
What kind of role do you think sex plays in religion?
I have tried to deconstruct that idea for a while and no answers yet.
Zulaikha and I had a follow up chat too... here's what she said (& it broke my heart all over again. But what an incredibly strong woman she is, that she had the courage to face this ugly fact head on and confront it):
It was rape. He penetrated me and I felt violated even though I wasn't sure what was happening. It was painful and humiliating. I call it molestation to take the sting out. I suppose I still feel humiliated though it wasn't my fault. Nobody tried to locate the cook. I remember thinking that if I ever found him when I was bigger and stronger, I'd hurt him very badly. For years I'd look for him in crowds - in the markets. Then I stopped.