Pakistani guys usually have such a bad reputation in the non-Pakistani world, and often even within the Pakistani world.
They are thought of as being misogynistic, chauvinistic, oppressive, often hypocritical when it comes to topics like sexuality, morality..etc.
This is not always the case however. Ladies, the term 'Pakistani gentleman', in its truest form does exist. It is sometimes but not always an oxymoron...
I myself used to be a naysayer - till I met my husband.
Even my parents had made peace with the fact that someday i'd bring home a white guy with a blue mohawk...but my ma's prayers are obviously some potent stuff, cuz against all odds, that didnt happen.
I have had several bad experiences with being judged and being talked about...tattoos and piercings will do that to you in the desi community.
I have to admit, being cast as an outsider since the beginning of time has left me scarred by desis, to the point where I have a hard time trusting my own people. I will probably never be fully accepted for my quirky self in brownland. (my apologies to anyone offended by the term 'brown')
So naturally, several years ago, when my non brown friend invited my soon-to-be husband over to my apartment without asking me, I had a fit:
Me: are you freakin' kidding me? Why on earth did you invite a Pakistani guy over here....Look at all the booze, smokes and 'other unnaceptable stuff' we have lying around here.
Her: Relax E, you're making a big deal out of nothing, he's a very cool guy, you've met him before. He lived in our dorm building last year.
Me: yeah just cuz he's a seemingly nice guy to you, doesn't mean he won't come over here and judge the fuck outta me, it's different when you're brown.
And not to mention, he will probably know my aunts sisters cousin or something... and that way his family can talk directly to my relatives about me.
Her: Jesus, I'm telling you, he's a cool guy. Relax. Anyway, he's on his way over now.
Me: *grumble* fine. Not much I can do now.
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Him and I have barely been apart since that day. Lets just say, he came over. We all watched my very favourite twisted-as-fuck movie. He wasn't severely disturbed, so naturally I was intrigued.
We exchanged phone numbers that evening, and haven't looked back since. I was always afraid that at some point during our courtship, he was going to judge me. That I was probably just the freaky girl he wanted to date... but would go home to marry whoever mommy told him to. But that didn't happen either.
Very early on in our relationship when we were spending a summer in different continents, he sent me an email where he referred to me as the mother of his future children. I was floored. A brown guy could actually see the bondage collar/corset wearing me... as the mother of his children. I knew then, that he was a keeper.
Clearly, I was the more judgmental one in this story. But in my defense, my lack of trust was a product of my past experiences.
He proved to me that there definitely are some wonderful Pakistani guys out there. Doing interviews for this blog has showed me a thing or two as well. I seem to be coming across so many sexually aware, equality loving, non-hypocritical, non-judgmental Pakistani men.
When desi guys (& girls) are missing the qualities I mentioned above, especially in terms of sexuality, most of the time it can be chalked up to a lack of awareness and education about the topic. And misinformation about it can wreak havoc with a persons mind, body and soul - since sex is so integral a part of human life. It can affect generations. And it has, in our country. That is where the reputation of misogyny comes from.
Parents never talk about sex with their children, schools don't really discuss it... so how on earth are Pakistani people supposed to be raised as self-aware sexual beings? Well, the internet certainly helps those who have access to it, and know how to learn through the proper channels. But my concern lies with those who don't have access to such things. Sure I'd love to reach out to them if I had more resources, but all I have is this blog. And they don't read blogs. :(
Till I figure out how to spread my tentacles further, do check out this interview I did with a delightful chap. He is a prime example of how awful it is to live through sexual urges with little knowledge of what they are and how to deal with them. He's also a great example of how wonderfully self-taught someone can be... in regards to such matters. Not everyone overcomes their fear, guilt & confusion though. The result isn't always a refined, polished man that will probably be good to his wife and raise his kids right. So for those who cannot self-educate... we must do something. The best way is to encourage future parents to talk to their children. Educate Educate Educate. You can't go wrong with that. ;)
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Hamid, 24, male
At what age (approximately) and how did you come to know about sexual intercourse?
I was around 14 when I found out about sexual intercourse. It was by visiting a website of porn pictures. I had some idea of intercourse before but didn’t know how it was done. I discovered this pretty late compared to an average boy in those days; this is partly explainable by the fact that I had a rather ‘sheltered’ childhood and had a small group of friends who were pretty much like myself, reducing the possibility of exposure to sexual knowledge that was prevalent. I was shocked at first to see images of vaginal penetration and oral sex, and I couldn’t believe people could derive pleasure out of such horrific acts. Here I might add that I had discovered masturbation on my own prior to my knowledge of sexual intercourse. Undergoing the physiological changes of puberty, getting erections and having wet dreams, it was extremely confusing and disturbing for me. As my parents did not bother to ever tell me about these matters, and I was too embarrassed to ask them or anyone else, for a long time I lived with the apprehension that there was something wrong with me (especially ejaculating felt so pathological!). Along with the confusion, I was tormented by the religious guilt of having impure thoughts and desires. This state lasted for a quite a while and eventually disappeared with my self-education, and my confrontations with the big questions of religion, morality and sexuality.
Is Pakistan sexually repressed as a nation?
My experience tells me so, yes. Even though a lot of sexual activity may be going on hidden from plain sight, talk about sex is hushed up, and the restriction of limiting sex to marriage renders a lot of young adults very frustrated, as marriage requires a certain social and economic stability which most people are only able to attain in the age group of 25-30, while their sexual desires and fantasies exist from puberty. So most young adults have a lot of build-up sexual tension in them, which they relieve through porn and masturbation. Girls are much more repressed in comparison; because of limited privacy they are not able to fully explore the possibilities of porn and masturbation.
Have you ever had/Do you enjoy having sex?
I have had non-penetrative oral sex. I enjoy it a lot. I haven’t had penetrative sex yet, but I imagine I’d enjoy that too. The sexual relationship between me and my girlfriend (now my fiancé) has grown slowly over 2-3 years, as we took time getting physically comfortable with each other and explored and lingered at each stage. For considerable part we have also had to live in different cities, so we employed sexting and skype sex frequently. We’ll probably soon end up having penetrative sex too, though finding a suitable occasion (time and place) is a hindrance since neither of us has an independent place and live with our parents.
On premarital sex:
I don’t think there is anything wrong with premarital sex. In fact, I’d encourage it. I think there is merit to the notion that those who decide to marry should have sexual knowledge of each other, since it will obviously constitute an important part of married life. Even if it is just casual sex, it adds to the sexual experience, which is a plus point in my eyes.
Have you had more than one sexual partner in life?
On Sex & Equality:
My own experience and observation would say that usually one person is leading the act. However, I do not discount that possibility that it may be completely equal for some couples.
What do you think nature and the physical differences between men and women have to do with gender roles in society?
Gender roles are primarily social constructs. In the past they were built around natural and physical differences, but as we socially evolve, the physical differences have come to play less and less role.
Have you ever experienced a multiple orgasm?
Have you ever found or had your g-spot found?
Do you know anyone who has sex but has not yet experienced an orgasm? What are your thoughts on that?
I don’t know of anyone personally, but I know that many women can’t orgasm by penetrative sex alone, and I think it would be a shame if these women happen to have lovers/husbands who don’t pay attention to their pleasure by resorting to non-penetrative methods.
Do you think about sex everyday?
Varies a lot. Think about it a lot on some days and very little on others. But I doubt there is ever a day when I don’t think about it at all.
Do you think sex plays a major role in your life?
It plays a significant role, yes.
I think it’s a completely normal and healthy act. In fact I encourage masturbation, and feel that those who have an inability to masturbate have some sort of underlying neurotic inhibition.
Mixed feelings. Pornography as it exists is full of moral problems and misogyny and exploitation, but I believe it is possible to have pornography that is healthy, moral and egalitarian, and I hope the world will eventually come to that point.
To what extent, in comparison with the rest of the world, do you think people practice bestiality (sex with animals) in this country?
It’s difficult for me to say. I have never personally known of such a case.
What are your thoughts on homosexuality?
I think it is as normal as and as healthy as heterosexuality. I have many friends who are homosexual and I am completely comfortable with that and I have been very vocal in its support.
As far as sex lives are concerned, do you ever wonder what other people in this country are doing and what do u think they are doing?
Often. A typical setting in which I find myself pondering over it is when I am attending some one’s marriage or walima.
Do you think education is important, when it comes to something like sexuality?
Extremely important. I received zero sex education, from parents or teachers or friends. I had to learn everything myself and underwent great mental turmoil, and do not want others, especially my own children, to have to go through that.
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Enlightened is the word that comes to mind. :) This last statement of his regarding sex education though - the importance of it cannot be stressed enough. please, read it again, and remember it.