Sunday, March 11, 2012

"These Things about me are Very Unnerving to Straight Guys"

Ok, so I'd like to talk a bit about my last post.

Where I received an email from Aminah, who was confused about the fact that she's aroused by the thought of being with another woman, but not actually interested in having a same-sex encounter. *GASP*

Sounds like a contradiction, but is actually a pretty common occurrence. From the comments I got on twitter, and email, and the few i received on the blog. Seems like a lot of women can relate to this. So relax Aminah, there is nothing out of the ordinary here.

Women are often looking for relatability...especially as far as arousal is concerned. We need to relate to whatever visual stimulation we are exposed to. It just goes to show that we're not wired like men at all in that department. A plain ol' picture of a penis just doesn't do it for us in most cases. And the fact that we need to mentally put ourselves in the picture...probably explains why a lot of women are turned on by watching lesbian porn. Watching another girl's genitals get touched, you can relate it to yourself, and hence the arousal.

Whereas a girl getting pounded by a 12 inch dick... is usually not our idea of the sexiest situation, contrary to what porn may make a guy believe. The same goes for a girl getting cum splattered all over her face, or having a giant cock shoved really far down her throat (and yes that is different from loving and desirable oral sex)....I did a post a while ago about finding pornography catered to women. So you might want to take a look at that, Aminah - what you're experiencing is nothing to be concerned about. You're just a regular girl... that probably needs a lot more cerebral action to get you going.

And like i said earlier, sexuality cannot be pigeonholed sometimes. Its just too fluid. I forget what movie it was, but I remember watching a movie last year about a lesbian couple, where the more 'butch' partner used to get turned on by watching gay (male) porn... So very many things could be said about that. Thoughts, anyone?

* * *

Also, here's what my male interviewees had to say about homosexuality:

Fahad, Male, 24

I definitely don’t think it’s a disease as some people perceive. And this is a reason why more and more people feel ok about ‘coming out’ in the world - because they know that it’s not a disease and there is nothing wrong with them. They realize that it’s simply a preference.

If people just look at it as a preference, there wont be half the problems..
I think that each homosexual person has different reasons for being so – part of it is societal and some part is biological – it is different for each person with each component existing to varying degrees.

…this may sound silly but everyone to a certain degree has some homosexuality in them, the difference lies in how open you are to putting yourself in a homosexual situation…. And similarly every homosexual has a bit of heterosexuality in them...

I think it’s mostly societal, and barely has anything to do with biology or genetics. But I'm still open to the idea that a homosexual parent can raise a child as well as anyone else. If my own child turns out to be gay, ideally, I would hope that it doesn’t bother me, and the way I see it now, I don’t think it will but – you never know how you react once you're actually in a situation. I know that its not easy, you have to go through so many things when you tell people you’re gay – they look at you a certain way, they act a certain way….you know I’d rather not have my child go through so many uncomfortable situations.

I do have gay friends in other parts of the world and I also have one friend that is openly gay in Pakistan. Here, that person is most definitely a rare find.

In society today,lesbians are seen as chicks who like to experiment….people don’t take them seriously, they always see them as someone who is experimenting, and because of this reason … I would say that society is more accepting of lesbians than gay men.

They are just like anyone else; they aren’t going to put on a show for any guy that comes along – it’s not like American pie!

Sultan, Male, 19

I don’t think homosexuality is wrong. As long as two individuals like it – no one has the right to interfere in their life. If 2 people want to do it - go ahead – its none of my business. But I really don’t know much about it, I haven’t even had the privilege of chilling with a homosexual person. How would I know how someone becomes a homosexual. This is not something I think about because it’s so different from who I am that I don’t think I could even conclude a reasonably accurate answer –Because I don’t have enough facts or scientific evidence to truly understand homosexuality.

If one of my friends was gay I wouldn’t have a problem with it – as long as he’s a good person and as long as he isn’t trying to hit on me.

Uhhh….. I wouldn’t want my child to go through the pain that a homosexual has to go through in this society. That would be one reason that would make me want my child never to be a homosexual because they are extremely tormented people in this day and age and I wouldn't want my child to go through that.

Khizer, Male, 26

I don’t get it, why would you be interested in men, when you have something like women around?

It’s something maybe I’m closed about it or I haven’t learned enough about it, but there is no way in hell I could get attracted to a guy. Honestly I know that guys like to watch two girls together, but you can tell the girls are just doing it…. Are you talking about real lesbians or the shit they show on TV?

Guys are gay and women are gay – but you know how lesbians are considered to be -oh wow 2 girls together- it’s an act to attract guys, that’s it. I can agree with women who are really gay, because I think they can maybe see the beauty that women have but obviously I don’t see why guys go together. In the end it’s the same thing why go to something that’s not meant for you in a way…

Imad, Male, 25

I think if it’s (homosexuality) been existing since forever – then its natural and its fine. And that’s what most homosexuals say. I believe them – I have some close homosexual friends. A male homosexual friend was like ‘I can’t be attracted to a woman, it just doesn’t happen’ which makes sense, the way I cannot be attracted to a man. That’s how he was naturally made. The only contradiction is – if it is unnatural, it is more of a sociological thing as opposed to a genetic thing then maybe it’s odd and people should look into it.

Qasim, Male, 26

i don't see anything wrong with it.. i have enough people in my life that are gay.. i have enough friends that are gay.... I'm quite out there in the gay scene even .. to me its a part of who the other person is.... if ur happy with it .. i don't see why anyone should care... or why u should care what anyone else thinks.

But these are my views now, not what they used to be. (laughs) But if it was up to me... i would bring this forth to my niece... to educate her about it ... but its not my call ... i've never talked to my brother about it.. to be honest... i don't see it as being a big issue for him ... cuz he's very comfortable around my gay friends.... he's comfortable even going to the gay village with me .......I would hope that when i have my kids i can be this open minded about it then as well ... but i don't know if im going to have kids... i've had countless discussions.... with family members... cousins... and im very... pro... well not 'pro' homosexuality... but not against it.... im actually planning to have a float next year at gay pride parade.. im changing quite a bit.... last yr i was asked to be on the ASAAP (Alliance for South Asian Aids Prevention) float but i turned it down... cuz i thought it would just be very very frowned upon by the community in general...although .. having said that i did perform on stage... for the indian act for last year's Pride...i was offered a position as ASAAPs male to male outreach co ordinator .. but i turned it down .. but being actively involved for personal reasons is different, but professionally i didn't see it as going over too well with everyone.. its a little confusing... on one hand i don't hide the fact that i'm 'out there'.... going around with my gay friends.... i would never hide it.... its something that I'm changing about continuously... cuz I'm becoming more confident as a person on whole.. the more confident i become the less i really care what other people think... the people that matter to me .. they are ok with everything....the more i grow as a person... i see that (without sounding too cocky and full of myself) there are a lot of girls out there that go there... they're not bothered by that. The more that i see this side of women... the more confident i am that its not something i need to hide. In the past I've been on more dates... and I've had more relationships with girls that i met through my gay friends....As a whole... i find gay guys to be a lot more pleasant.. and i find them to be a lot less judging of you ... whereas straight guys.. I'm not and never have been the one of the most macho-est guys ever.. I'm not one of those guys that can sit in a group of men that comments on womens boobs.. and knocking them up... i don't do strip clubs.. or pornography... i don't get turned on by seeing 2 women getting it on .. so it was always a little odd being around straight guys.... i wasn't comfortable.. but i know gay guys aren't gonna judge me... I'm very comfortable with who i am as a person ... when i go clubbing ... i'll dance with a girl without having any sexual feelings there... i can grind with a girl... almost as easily as i can with another guy.. and i can do both just as easily... these things about me are very unnerving to straight guys.. and that's why I'm very comfortable with gay guys.

My past view: (laughs) Gay = wrong.. gay = sin ... my views were very negative.. VERY negative.. i remember that i used to say that if my kid ever turned out to be gay...i would disown him ... there were lots of times we'd get into the car... and drive through church st. just for looking at the gay guys... now when i tell my gay friends... they think I'm a jerk... but back then my identity was a mixture of what my religion said who i should be... what my parents wanted me to be... and what a good older sibling should be... i remember there was a point where i used to say where they shouldn't have the same rights as a regular married straight couple. That's why i also say that sexuality is something that should be explored it changes u as a person ... it changed me as a person. I laugh my old views off... i sit there and talk about how these Americans are so ignorant about Muslims... but i think about it ... and i was equally as ignorant .. just on a different topic.. I'm ashamed at who i was.

Ali, Male, 29

i think its good i guess.... whoever is homosexual ... its good for him .. i think he should.. everybody has a right to live life their way, and i have no problems with it..

NJ, 42, Male

That’s something I still can't find a answer until now. Maybe its natural or hereditary. But in our society (northern areas in pak) its lack of mixing with opposite sex. Many of my friends we did enjoy each other in skools college days and I don’t think we all were homos. But I think since there was no interaction with girls so we explored each other and it was not real intercourse. It was just doing between thighs or butts with some lotion or spit. Or rubbing penis with each other. In some cases when u like aroma and looks... sucking also. We all are tall handsome good looking men married having kids now.

Bilal, 24, Male

[Homosexuality]Its as natural as heterosexuality. I honestly don’t believe you can be turned gay, nor do I believe it’s a product of nurture. I just honestly wished my family saw it the same way. Id like to think they would want me to be happy, but it’s not likely that they will accept me

* * *

So a whole range of views there, some less accepting than others. But i liked that there was such diversity in the Pakistani male opinion among my interviewees. I'm actually surprised that so many of them had so much to say about the topic. I expected the stereotypical homophobic response from most of them, where they find it so intolerable that they would even refuse to talk about the subject. Sure, some are more uncomfortable than others and that comes across in their words... but no one was outright bigoted. Perhaps because they know my views on the subject... or perhaps I'm not giving the average Pakistani guy enough credit at all.

NJ represents a pretty common situation from what I've heard; without access to the opposite sex, a lot of guys in closed societies often adapt and experiment amongst themselves. And when they're married, their spouses haven't got a clue about their past. Which is a bit unfair I think. If you're spending your life sleeping with the same person, I think full disclosure should be a prerequisite. But that's my opinion.

Qasim is definitely not your typical straight guy, and he's had quite the turnaround in opinion. Its all very interesting, as always silent readers, I would love to hear your thoughts... NOT on twitter or email... I'd like to hear them here. Thank you :)


  1. The Kids Are Alright
    That is the movie you speak of.

  2. The movie you speak of - The Kids Are Alright

  3. Hah


    Really? I dont get why you are questioning what people like in bed in the first place.. Sure as a gay man, i find some women attractive, but not in the same way i do men. Something just 'clicks' but not in the same way with women..

    And quite frankly, Lesbians scare me - honest truth, even the ones im friends with! haha..


    Dude, are you sure you're straight? Truthfully and honestly now! Straight men aren't usually invited to pride parades even if it is for Aids Prevention!.. Also whats wrong with talking about boobs? haha... I like pointing out when a lady has a good rack! haha

  4. Wow Eiynah, this was an awesome post! Like you, I totally would've expected more homphobic responses from Pakistani boys...but then again it sounds like most of your interviewees are the westernized types who can sometimes (NOT always) be more accepting.

    I think the most fascinating person by far, was Qasim. I love that he is so comfortable around gay men and homosexuality and I love that he has become so open-minded. I wonder if he told you what brought about the change in him and would you be able to share that with us?

    Also, if he truly is straight then he is a very unique straight boy. I have never come across another straight boy identifies much more with gay men (and I know my fair share of gay and straight men). I also don't know many straight guys who would be comfortable grinding with other men - NOT that there's anything wrong with it! I mean, I think it's great that Qasim's so open and free spirited.

    But at the same time, I'm tempted to ask - is he sure he's not bi? or gay even? Is he really 100% straight?

    Of course, this is none of my business and I'm sure it's very hard as a desi guy to openly admit to such things...but I'm curious and totally fascinated!

    Thanks again for the post!

  5. LMAO @ Mirch Masala !

  6. LOVED all the comments you had about my email. I agree... oh and I really enjoyed your post about female porn. This is definitely more common than I had ever imagined. Now I don't feel so strange about it. Thanks again.

  7. Women complicated species. Always they mean the opposite what they say. They say size doesn't matter and view of a huge charming dick do not turn them on or arouse. I had a friend who was having a tiny crooked willy I know because when his family was away we use to share his place for wild parties together. So I used my instincts and got advantege anonymously calling his wife when she was alone for hot whispers on phone and shes always like asking me how big is yours when hard and wish i can touch smell & suck it.