Monday, March 5, 2012

Sexuality is never just Black & White

Its mornings like this one, when I wake up to emails like this... that i love writing my blog. I am honoured that people feel comfortable enough to trust me with the most intimate details about their life. Below is a perfect example of what I always say; that something as complex as sexuality is never just black and white. In fact, it is a fluid, ever-changing and constantly evolving entity of its own...(with tentacles :P )

Sometimes it is a reflection of our upbringing...sometimes its a result of our just is.

Whatever the reasons for its current shape or state, its definitely important to try and learn more about the subtle layers that make up human sexuality...for that is a window into our own psyche.

Thank you Aminah for your honesty!

Hi Eiynah,
I came across your blog and I have to say it was a breath of fresh air! A truly open minded place for desis to share stories about sex and sexuality. I’m loving all the topics you’ve covered so far, and will most definitely keep checking in. I wanted to say thanks for doing a great job, don’t stop.

I notice that you have been covering the topic of homosexuality quite a bit lately. And I just wanted to share my story with you. You often have great advice for your contributors and I was hoping you could clarify some things for me too.

First I will give you some background about myself, I am born and raised in Karachi. My upbringing has been very liberal so you can’t say that I represent the average Pakistani. The people I socialize with are all ferociously liberal as well. Probably as a result of this upbringing, and social circle I do not consider myself sexually repressed. In fact I think I am quite comfortable and aware of my sexuality. I am engaged to the love of my life, and I enjoy a very healthy sex life with my fiancĂ©. Except there is one thing that bothers me slightly:

As far as visual stimulation goes, I am only aroused by looking at other women. I am most definitely not a lesbian. Or even bisexual, I don’t think I could ever actually go through with a same sex encounter. Not that I think there is anything wrong with it, but its just not for me. Except when I am looking for visual stimulation or I am fantasizing. I almost never fantasize about being with a man, always with a woman, it is the only way I get aroused. And if I watch pornography, I like to watch lesbian porn. The visual image of a naked guy doesn’t do much for me. This is very hard for me to explain, I hope I am making some sense here. If I masturbate I have to picture being touched by another woman, yet.. I have no interest in actually being with a woman. Its very confusing to me. I feel nothing for women, or about women. I could never be emotionally attached to a woman in that way. I could only ever have a relationship with a man. And I have found myself a perfect man, whom I love very much.

Of course I haven’t discussed this with my fiancĂ©, because I don’t want to hurt him. Plus I don’t think he would understand, I barely understand myself. To put it briefly, I love having sex with him, I love being touched by him, I even love giving him pleasure. I am just not turned on by the male naked body the same way I am by the ‘image’ of a female naked body. (I say ‘image’, because I think if I was faced with an actual naked female, I probably wouldn’t be aroused, just uncomfortable.)
So what I’m trying to say is that my ideal sexual situation is, to be with a man, have sex with a man whilst thinking about having sex with a woman. Does that make any sense at all?


-ps. Of course this goes without saying, but feel free to post this email on your blog. I would love to hear what other people/women have to say.

Now, myself and Aminah would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. And in an attempt to keep this post brief, I will not say much more right now, I will talk more about this email in my next post.

Happy Monday folks! Friday is one day closer now.


  1. I always believe your primary sexuality is defined by which gender you end up falling for. You sound like a regular straight girl with a fantasy - chill! Its very common - more than 90% women have them!

    I'm Queer and prefer women, but I do sometimes think about men and am turned on by the thought - however I have no desire to actually do something with men, or even engage in a flirtation of any manner.

    I love women - the way they smell, the way they feel, their touch. I can at best have a mental / spiritual connection with a man. Emotionally, it doesnot even scratch the surface of what I've experienced with / felt for some women.

    So to answer your question - if I were in your shoes and engaged to the girl of my dreams - I wouldn't stress myself over a fantasy or a kink. Its normal. Enjoy!!


    You can also reach out to me on twitter. Happy to talk.!/zENAWordWarrior

  2. Hi Aminah,

    What you're saying makes complete sense. You're not alone. I know many straight women who fantasize about women. The female form can be quite a turn on for anyone, even those of us who don't fantasize about women or get turned on by them in general.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I've had young women approach me about this before. I know where to direct them now :)

  3. Could it be that female social, cultural and academic conversation through all conversations and even media tries to always give the idea that the male form cannot be sexy at all and you're turned out by sexy and not the rough and buff image which men as supposed to be?

  4. Thank you for your comments everyone! Interesting theory anon, tho i think that concept of men not being sexualized in the media is definitely changing. But perhaps Im looking at things globally, im not sure if they sexualize men in the media at all in Pakistan...

  5. Thanks for posting my email Eiynah! Hearing what everyone has to say has really put my mind at ease, I guess i'm not as strange as I thought. Love your blog, I knew I came to the right place. @Zena: If I decide to go on tiwtter I will definitely look you up, I'd love to chat. But as for now, I'm not on twitter.

    1. Aminah, also check out this post at Gaysi Family's website, it is in response to ur email :)

  6. Hmm good blog ... Sexuality in my opinion is like 50 shades of grey. i myself am Gay but have a wife and she enjoys sex with me like crazy. she has usually 5-6 orgasms before i come.