Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why are we such a fucking mess....?

Happy New Year :/ it certainly started off on a 'wonderful' note. One of our few liberal thinking politicians was murdered...and there were many who celebrated. Ugh, it really sickens me more and more to belong to a country like Pakistan. We've become a nation, where bringing up a simple opinion will get you killed. Fuck. I mean no offense to the moderate Pakistanis, but seriously, is that a country anyone with half a brain can be proud of?

Not to mention the recent gang rape in Karachi, Defence (or was it clifton?) - sorry not living there, these details escape me sometimes. The most shocking thing i came across was a facebook post about this rape. From a desi i went to university with in Canada, a seemingly liberal person... his status on fb claimed that apparently the girl was a prostitute, and thus can't actually be raped since thats what she (supposedly) did for a living anyway.

WHAT THE FUCK? Like seriously, an "educated" pakistani male that thinks like a fuckin' jahil. What she does for a living, is her fucking business, and whether she was a prostitute or not, isn't related to the fact that she was raped. RAPED motherfucker, which means she was sexually penetrated without her consent. So this cocksucker thinks its ok to rape sex workers.... aaa... it so sickens me. They prolly have a horrible enough life as it is.

Anyway, nuff venting, i've been on a super long break i know. Its time to continue on with where we left off. We were talking about the inequality of sex (sadly the above rape is a great example - i'll bet u not many adult males get raped on the streets of Karachi, and if they did, im sure they'd be shown much more sympathy than this poor soul)....

So consensual sex.... what do my male interviewees have to say about the balance of power involved?

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Fahad, Male, 24

Most of the times sex is something that’s favourable to men. I believe a couple needs to make the effort to make it more equal. Of course…men need to make more of an effort than women, but also the women need to speak up and say what they want.

But generally, Just the fact that the man has to insert something into the woman and the woman has to accept something from the man has a lot to do with social inequality.

*

Sultan, Male, 19

I think because society in general is more male-oriented, a lot of times according to what I’ve heard, the male species (this is not in all cases but in conservative societies this is common) just seeks his own pleasure and does not care about the females orgasm that much and seeks only to attain orgasm for himself.

To me a human being is a very complex creature - and to ask him/her to fit into any sort of role would be asking them to suppress their individuality. I don’t agree with gender roles in general.

*

Khizer, Male, 26

Guys... I think get off a lot easier than girls do because it’s a man’s world – because we have been taught to believe that all our lives. Girls are taught to raise a family and make a house into a home… basically it’s what every guy wants – a woman that can turn a house into a home. That’s what I want. When a guy lives in a house its still a house, it’s a bachelor pad but once a woman comes in then she adds her little touches; fresh cake smell (how gay do I sound?)…Maybe this difference in guys and girls comes from our feudal ancestors who treated women like a piece of property... I don’t know…They are different beings – men are visual creatures they like to see things – that’s what triggers their emotions – like when I watch a basketball game I’m very emotional but at the same time its very visual, maybe that’s why women became an object. The way women are made they were made to attract men. Everything about them their hair, their eyes, their skin, etc. Men are hairy, bulky, they have pot bellies. A hot woman is curvaceous and is something nice to look at, like a flower. Men that are considered to be hot are muscular and muscle is bulky, you can tell that he’s a good worker, you can work him he’s a working dog –Men’s bodies are made to be used, I think women’s bodies are made to be appreciated.

I know someone who has had sex but has not yet had an orgasm. This girl I know she was going out with this guy because she doesn’t know any better. She is one of those girls that kind of got swept away when she was very young. She never met any other guy, she never got to explore her likes and dislikes – the first guy that came along, he tried and tried and tried and she agreed. Now that they are so ‘close’ (she is married and pregnant) she’s realized that she’s not attracted to him any longer in any way. But just because of the fact that she’s been with him for so long she’s still sleeping with him, but she doesn’t have any feeling. I know that because she told me. She feels very helpless. I’m sure he does everything he can but she doesn’t feel it.

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Imad, Male, 25

I don’t think nature or our physical differences have anything to do with the gender roles we live by. Not at all. I think our gender roles are determined by how our society has taken shape. I think women generally are a lot more energetic and man is essentially lazy – even if you compare it with lions – you see that the lioness hunts and you know thats how it is. What pisses the man off is if he loses control and authority – which is where gender roles came up from. It has nothing to do with nature or our physical differences. But clearly….it is because of these ‘roles’ that sex is usually not based on both peoples pleasure….equally. Men want control and authority in this part of life too.

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Qasim, Male, 26

Majority of the times ‘sex’ is just the guy getting off.... that’s it .. there are very few circumstances that pleasures the woman... I’m not saying there aren’t guys out there that wont go the extra mile... but majority of the times when the guys satisfied that’s the end of it... as a whole... despite how far we've moved ahead.... not just as a nation …but as humankind… its still at a point where the man is still superior... for the lack of a nicer way of putting it (laughs) men are seen as being more of a sexual creature than the woman is. So it will end when the guy is happy. It’s not hard to get the guy going again... but most of the time it will just stop there.

I wouldn’t say that has anything to do with the physical differences between men and women... but when u look at the sexual roles... it does make a difference... but I don’t see it making a difference outside of the bedroom.

*

Ali, Male, 29

Sex can be quite ‘equal’ I think... it goes both ways....and generally, that’s the way it should be. It just depends on who you’re talking about – but it certainly can be an equal act.

I think physical aspects of our bodies do contribute our gender roles. Men try to look strong and build up their bodies…the way they act just follows that. Women try to look physically appealing to attract a suitable mate…and the role they fall into is just a result of that. Basically, everyone is trying to reproduce and better their genes…we try and follow gender roles that will better our chances… it’s a race of being attractive and finding the best mate…


*



Ok, so Ali is the only one amongst the men who thinks sex can be an equal act. Fahad’s opinion sort of mirrors Ayesha’s…which is most unexpected coming from a guy…

“Just the fact that the man has to insert something into the woman and the woman has to accept something from the man has a lot to do with social inequality.”

He doesn’t go as far as comparing it with impalement but at least he recognizes the ‘giving’ and ‘taking’ aspect of power involved in intercourse. Even within the context of sado-masochism a ‘top’ is the dominant partner and a ‘bottom’ is submissive. It’s no coincidence that in regular, missionary sex…women are naturally at the bottom and men on top. The terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ obviously have roots in a classic male/female dominant/submissive contrast. This inequality in the bedroom bubbles over and bleeds into every other aspect of our lives, and hence,

“Guys I think get off a lot easier than girls do because it’s a man’s world…”

Khizer’s view on gender roles is very conservative…and I’m sure he’s pushing the wrong buttons on anyone with even a slightly feminist position in life. It’s obvious he thinks a woman’s place is in the home and a man should go out and work. He especially hits a sore nerve with me when he says,

“The way women are made they were made to attract men…”

At, this point I’m thinking – are you serious? Of course during the interview I kept my mouth shut….but jeez! I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement, and in a social setting I would definitely debate that further… I most certainly do not think women were made to attract men…that is not our purpose in life (many have tried to make us believe otherwise)… neither is it to turn a house into a home. It’s a sweet and confused compliment I think, where he’s proclaiming that a house can never truly be a home without a woman…it is sweet… but again, this is not our purpose in life. Maybe if he had said women were made to bear children….it wouldn’t be so bad. One of our biological purposes is to bear children….but it’s a choice, not an obligation. If a woman chooses to focus on her career or something else…she shouldn’t expect to hear comments about infertility! (Not that Khizer said any such thing) But it’s true, in our culture…you’re expected to start popping out babies soon after marriage… the fact that I’ve already waited several years…pisses off a lot of gossipy old women. At several social events I am asked when I will be bringing ‘good news’…ARGH! I cannot tell you how much I wish those people would lay off… I’m sure there are rumours circulating about my infertility… but whatever…these types of questions could be much more painful, if infertility were actually the case….these women don’t stop and think they can actually hurt someone. Expectations, expectations….social norms…gender roles…to me it sounds like the incantations a witch would be screaming, dancing around her cauldron, when she’s about to curse someone….and yet it’s a curse we all have to live with.

Imad claims that men want control and authority in all aspects of life…including the bedroom…and that is where gender roles come from. To him, it has nothing to do with biological differences…it’s completely a social construct. I find it interesting that he says men are lazy and women are energetic – especially, because in a traditional setting men are seen as the breadwinners…the workers…or like Khizer our man with ‘traditional’ values says,

“…(man) he’s a good worker, you can work him he’s a working dog…”

It’s wonderful to see such diverse opinions…it brings so much more to the blog…we have Sultan who doesn’t believe in gender roles all together… he doesn’t think there should be any such expectation at all since it would require suppressing individuality….he’s right…but once again...he describes a scenario from a ‘perfect’ world…we simply cannot exist without stereotyping and having pre-conceived notions of how we are supposed to live…how we are supposed to be…it’s who we are…we are judgmental creatures and putting everyone into neat little categories helps us maintain order and sanity in our lives…for the most part. Of course, we can challenge…we do so…that is what progresses our species (or gets them shot - in Pakistan :( ).

But as we erase certain aspects of inequality…more are created…we need to keep broadening our minds to stop our selves from being swallowed whole….

We're a country with an actual blasphemy law... in this day and age. And not everyone thinks thats retarded. All the levels of inequality in our country are alarming. Gender is a part of that.

***

Now this isn't directly related to what we're discussing...but it definitely illustrates the level of inequality...We're in such a sad state. I know there are plenty of decent Pakistani men out there... its time for you not to be silent!

7 comments:

  1. Let me introduce myself.I'm a male from India and I'm a guydyke.That is I'm very macho and all like a dyke but my soul is of woman's.I kind of hate men's company though I do have male friends.But get along awesomely with women(and vice versa).Women think it is just to get into their pants.So my kind is both isolated from men and women.I dont cross dress& no other "weird" fascination,swishy or any of that except that I like lesbian women which is also an issue as well since lesbian women is unlikely to find a man loveable in a physically intimate kind of way.For pornography too I luve lesbian porn(genuine ones ..like from Sweet Heart Video productions..not faking types mechanical ones) I hope you can post a column dedicated to us men lesbians(guy dykes).
    Yes,there might be bi-sexual womens,but they all can keep their orientation hidden(intentionally or unintentionally) and their bi-identity is optional too for them.
    If you have still not got what my sexuality is: Let me try again.I see myself as a lesbian women attracted to another women,though I kind all women attractive,I particularly like women who like women,but when women like me as a man,I feel like they only like my shell not the real sexual identity of soul in my body which is that of a women.

    (Ok sorry for posting in this post.I thought latest blog comment will be have more probability of being checkout by the author)

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  2. Great post, I'm not surprised by the attitude about how you can't rape a prostitute. Even someone who considers themselves hold these sexist views.

    By the way, I like your blog. I found it through your post at Chay.

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  3. Thanks for the comment RenKiss, and I hope you'll continue to check back :)

    @ Black Mamba, thanks for your very interesting comment! Lol, I completely get where you're coming from. (you didnt have to explain yourself twice...i actually know someone with a similar situation) I would love to do a post on it, a fellow brown person with sexuality troubles... of course i'll try to come up with something interesting and meaningful to say. :)Till then hang in there , and be your happy lesbian self!

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  4. you're right about one thing. nothing is a woman's true/divine purpose in life. not attracting men. not making homes. not bearing children because you can choose to not fulfill that 'biological purpose'. since your purpose in life is something you choose and not something handed down to you, what is it that you've chosen?

    "I most certainly do not think women were made to attract men…that is not our purpose in life (many have tried to make us believe otherwise)… "

    "neither is it to turn a house into a home."

    "If a woman chooses to focus on her career or something else…she shouldn’t expect to hear comments about infertility! "

    so what you want is absolute freedom to do whatever you want, but you don't want others reacting to whatever you do, unless its in a positive/encouraging tone? someone's an insecure neurotic little girl?

    i can give you a general view of how life will be for you some way down the road, and for the rest of us if more people turned into you.

    individualist culture where no one wants to conform to 'social norms' because doing so is 'uncool'. result, no one can agree on anything, and nothing great can be achieved as a result of collective effort because 'collective effort' is a nice disguise for 'conforming to social norms'. human societies disintegrate and become crowds of egotistic monkeys. dim wits like yourself rejoice, and those of us who want high culture and civilization die out. nature always has the upper hand.

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  5. lol, hey you're entitled to your opinion, but ermm... someone who looks down on ppl not wanting to conform shouldn't really be calling themselves 'the devil' (also its a little cheesy and unless you're about 13 you should've really thought of something better) now should they... why don't you stick to something more conformist... like uhh.. 'sheep' or something.

    And hey you've brilliantly picked up on the fact that im neurotic.. bravo!(if i didnt experience social maladjustment I wouldnt have a reason to draw or write, don't hate on me cuz i refuse to fit into a box the aunties of pakistan created for all the other good little girls) Insecure? Not in the least....

    Its great that you managed to agree with me in the beginning, then copy paste some quotes from my post and then completely get pissed off at what i was saying. I think you might be more insecure than I. Just a thought. But why even get mad at the suggestion that women having babies is a choice and not a duty. We're overpopulated beyond belief anyhow... plus the less mullahs and douches we produce the better. Perhaps its time to cut down on making babies and use a condom once in a while. Either way... its a choice.... and men like you (im pretty sure you're a male specimen)should try to open your minds. As a species we 're pretty incapable of having a complete individualist culture... its ingrained in us to care about what others think. Just look at the west, they're still governed by social norms. And thats not what im arguing against. Perhaps if u read the post again, slowly... (with a dictionary on hand)you'd understand that im asking for more freedom and less pressure on the women in Pakistan. 'Those of you who want "High Culture" (a herd of sheep being led by one mullah or another) and "civilization" (things like a blasphemy law perhaps?) die out, cuz you're obviously the less progressive and less intellgent of the species. Survival of the fittest.

    And just to be clear, i'll repeat my basic point for you. We can have societies that function as a whole... and yet offer individual freedoms. I'm happy to be living in a country called Canada - look it up, you may want to visit the very successful 'egotistic monkeys' out here....and see how maybe your life could have turned out if u were open to change.

    ps - referring to when you said, "you don't want others reacting to whatever you do, unless its in a positive/encouraging tone?"

    of course i want people to react to what i do...i always encourage discussion, and whats life without challenges... thanks for reacting ;)

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  6. I find it funny when people post comments that allowing people choices equates that with "doing whatever one wants." Also about social norms? For starters, not everyone can conform to social norms. Social norms harm those people who aren't capable of conforming. Besides, I don't want to conform to norms that reject others.

    Most people don't give a crap what others feel about their choices, if you want to criticize people for not conforming to social norms, perhaps you need to take a look at yourself and question why you feel the need worry about other people's choices.

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  7. its funny how liberals and mullahs suffer from the same disease yet think each other arch nemeses. i wrongly gave you the impression that more and more people have not already turned into you, and for that i apologise.

    think about how most discussions on disputed topics end nowadays. 'that's just your opinion'. 'everyone's entitled to an opinion', etc. when i say that individualism brings about the death of culture, i mean this dogmatic individualism where everything is just your opinion, and no one's opinion is infallible. the masses want pop music and tv, and big businesses spring up that pander to this lowest common denominator. suddenly music is not Beethoven and Wagner, but Britney Spears. at this point high culture is already dead and decomposing.
    and last time i checked, the 'very successful' canadians (like most westerners) were drones leading boring, mechanical lives that revolve around fast food and television. you do have the right to like that kind of life and think that's the height of civilization.

    as for this "We can have societies that function as a whole... and yet offer individual freedoms."
    i completley agree. but with qualifications that i don't have time to get into now.

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