Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Let's Talk Dirty

In the last post, none of the women claimed that sex is an equal act between both partners all the time - no surprises there :/

In fact Ayesha, a feminist and homosexual woman, brings an interesting view to light...The picture she paints of heterosexual sex is gruesome…but she’s definitely got a point. It kind of does look like an act of violence where the man is 'giving it' to the woman… .'impalement'…maybe that’s a slight exaggeration…but maybe it isn’t - depends on what perspective you're coming from really.

Just look at how having hetero-sex with a female is described: I nailed her, I banged her, I fucked her, I did her….I mean these are only a few expressions off the top of my head…and these are commonly used…These terms may not be relevant to Pakistan specifically, since they're in English…but the point i'm trying to make is something as basic as language can confine a woman to a subserviant role. If anyone can think of urdu examples, I'd love to hear them - I'd just rather not rely on my own urdu skills... But yah, I mean the point of this blog is to create discussion, and although I'm getting emails from people (which I really appreciate), I'm not getting as much discussion on here as I'd like. And it kind of defeats the purpose. Please, don't be timid... speak - surely you must have an opinion on the topic....

Inequality for women is a worldwide epidemic…it just happens to be more obvious in less developed countries like Pakistan. That’s probably because our men haven’t learned to cover their tracks as well as men from more prosperous nations. Anyhow, unless people are willing to discuss and air out issues - we are never going to get anywhere.

Anyway, where were we....for Fatima, this inequality in sex exists regardless of whether its hetero or 'homo' sex and even Sumeira (see last post) mentions that a power struggle is involved. It’s about who can get who off first…and whoever does it better (for their partner) holds the key to that power in bed.

To simplifiy it, if you're incredible at getting your partner to climax, you've got all the power in bed.

I can see their point, but I can’t say I fully agree…I assume that they hold this selfless yet egomaniacal attitude in bed because they are women…and it’s been drilled into every one of us…we exist to please… that’s supposed to be the essence of our being…whether we consciously know it or not. I see how you can manipulate your partner because you’re a magician in the bedroom and how that can stroke your ego…but in reality…most of the times… it’s the guy…or person…who gets off first that has the power in a relationship. Because once they’re done…it’s totally up to them whether they are going to continue to pleasure the other party or turn around and go to sleep….it’s sort of how Layla describes…

“I feel like it’s a race you know to get to the finish line, whoever gets there first is obviously the winner…”

....And more often than not….it’s the guy who always wins that race, as Zobia says,

“…because achieving the male orgasm is a much more straightforward task…. women who seek that kind of pleasure are seen in a very negative light, to them sex is all about what a man wants or needs.”

In a traditional Pakistani setting, a woman who demands sexual pleasure is seen as some kind of freak….nothing but a pervert. You gotta love those double standards.

To me, nature does play a very significant role in this (my sociology professors from uni would totally kick my ass if they heard me now, lol) – why have women been made to be ‘nailed’ so to speak, and not to nail? Why isn’t the female orgasm as easy to achieve as the male orgasm? Are we being compensated in any way? Ok sure….we’re less hairy, softer and easier on the eyes….maybe female orgasms feel better than male orgasms…? Well, for one thing – we can have multiple orgasms and though I’ve heard of it happening to men, I don’t think it’s as possible as it is with women. But because of all this unfairness and inequality in the bedroom, many women don’t ever get to experience climax. Several of the interviewees mention knowing women who have never had an orgasm. Some suggest masturbation – while knowing their advice won’t seriously be considered….some attribute this problem to a lack of premarital experience…maybe time, a patient/experimental and caring partner is what’s needed…It’s an age-old problem however, this elusive female orgasm.

Mariam tells us that she herself has never climaxed through penetration…and I’m sure there are many others out there like her. And though there are other more effective ways to orgasm, there is still this pressure - The pressure that comes from society and the expectations that it builds. Your sexual experience as a woman must include an orgasm through penetration. If it doesn’t there is something wrong. Clearly Mariam feels that she is missing out on something…

“I mean, if I cant have an orgasm through penetration….I wouldn’t say my sex life as a whole is bad…but it does become a little…sort of … mundane…a little pointless…I do feel pressure…. I feel pressure to enjoy everything else…to make up for my lack of enjoyment in other areas….pressure is never good for when you’re wanting to orgasm in any case….”

The way I see it, an orgasm is an orgasm – no matter how you achieve it…but it’s true, society does shape our opinions of everything around us…it tells us how we should look, act and live our lives…society is an all-encompassing, not always right…tyrannical octopus. But during such socio-tyranny, we must often stop… and think for ourselves.

Gender inequality may have its roots in the bedroom, and biological factors such as childbearing, but much of it is a social construct. It’s all made up….and unless we constantly challenge these roles we are expected to play…we won’t move ahead. So challenge everything, think about it – and if it seems wrong, unfair and worst of all unequal…it needs to be changed. Women have suffered years of oppression, you would expect that by now…things would have changed…I’ll do my part by writing about female orgasms. Do your part by speaking out.

If you can't cum, let your partner know, or if you're a hetero guy, ask your lady-friend/ wife.... communicate :)

And if you've got an experience to share, please for the love of god, speak! You might change something for someone else. And if you don't have a story, maybe someone you know has, tell your friends, post this link on facebook - do what you can to get Pakistanis to speak and read about sex.

And if you're already reading this, you rock :) but you know, feel free to leave a comment ;)



  1. Really interesting post. The Urdu examples can be "Main nay lay le us ki" or "Main nay chouda usay" etc. Sex politics is a very important issue in romantic relations which remains unaddressed almost every time. No one talks about the pleasure of a women or her consent but the traditional social and religious order asks women to succumb to the urgency of a dick no matter what. And if she says no than the angels will curse her the whole night as if they either haven't anything else to do or sex only happens in night.
    I guess these sex politics are based largely upon the penetrative sex rather than non-penetrative sex. Because the control factor is more visible and dominant in the first one and men generally tend to exercise this power or superiority over women by penetrating them as it legitimize their ownership of the kept, which can be a wife, keep or hooker. That's what majority of the men think.
    Even this thing is replicated in gay relationships where gay men are defined as Top or Bottom in accordance to their sex role during penetration. The penetrator is top, he's controlling, powerful and 'man' enough to do so whereas the one getting penetrated is bottom, being owned by someone, lesser in status and not a 'man' enough to do so.

  2. I agree with Hadi, most sexual politics in our country is usually based on penetrative sex, and thats because society as a whole assumes that something as 'unholy' as oral, manual or anal could never even take place. We definitely need to question the roles that are forced on us.

    As for gay relationships, from what I know they are a lot more balanced in the bedroom, as i know Tops and Bottoms are happy to make the switch from time to time.

  3. Hi!From Pakistan,Good blog in general,2nd time here,left comment on another post as well.
    Secrecy about sex happens in Pakistan,But trying to destroy whole existing social setup (which is there for a reason afterall)and try to change everything,will be counter productive.
    Well first people need some basic necessities like good education,better economic opportunities,a secure environment,improved law and order situation,Once the Average IQ of people starts to go up they realize that talking about such subjects as sex and religion is no big deal afterall!
    But producing such circumstances is the harder part,and almost impossible with Present and Past totally incompetent Governments.When people are even struggling to make their basic ends meet.sex as a hobby is bit silly,don't you think?
    Now Prostitutes mostly live in only some specific areas of bigger cities.They have sure some presence in Pakistan,but some times they are overplayed out of all sense of proportions,Not every man in Pakistan is visiting prostitutes!
    To tell you the truth i don't think that even 5% of Pakistani males can even afford prostitutes.There maybe few cheaper ones as well but they are more trouble than worth.
    It is a well known fact that women tend to underplay their sexual encounters and men are more likely to boost falsely about their exploits.which gives an illusion of men somehow having sex more often.
    Mathematically speaking even saying that men have more sex than women collectively is just absurd!
    Eventually amount of sex men have of any particular locality or in any given duration of time will invariably even out with the amount of sex women have.
    And people who say that men have somewhat more sexual partners on average or that they are more prone to cheat than women are again not right.Just who those men can have sex with other than women,who are themselves cheating.
    Infact since Percentage of lesbians and bisexuals tend to be always higher in any given population compared to Gays,so one can argue that it is women who are having more sex everywhere!And Maybe more proficient in hiding their affairs.
    These facts are easily checkable on Net.Many studies based on statistics and facts and not just self made theories and stereotypes have shown these trends.
    Lazy Presumption that the society"as a whole"is somehow more accepting of Male sex is not totally right.Things are Glossed over occasionally but once the secret is out(again talking from experience men are more likely even to be killed in such cases compared to female involved in the affair in Pakistani rural areas).
    A curious fact about most of people you interviewed was how often they tend to use western oriented and totally borrowed lines,and hardly have any original thought of their own.Which is quite sad actually,if u think about it.
    That's why we see Silly Statements like "Penetration,is basically an act of violence".It could have helped if u could have talked to some more mainstream people,rather than few who actually know nothing better than mindlessly sprouting off any latest radical western feminist book they happened to read or use exactly same arguments,but what the heck i think your heart is in right place.you could not get more people to talk on such a subject,which is understandable.
    I think most people anywhere would not like to tell others about all their thrills and how much they enjoyed it.Except maybe their
    strictly inner circle,and maybe not even there.
    And frankly why should they?if they don't want it themselves.
    Everyone has a right to some privacy.
    Now Just keep repeating to anyone,that you are being oppressed,time and time again,and eventually that person will feel like actually being oppressed,even when in reality he or she maybe still be living better lives than most.Everybody likes to feel that it is always others fault and they are not responsible for their own shortcomings.
    And Does every one in west has perfectly satisfactory sexual lives?

  4. Pakistani society needs brainwash.We have declared sex a sin, un-Islamic, unethical, dirty this and that, ignoring that nowhere God has condemned it, nor has it been frowned upon.Sex is natural, both for man and woman. Both have right to express their feelings, desire and appetite. Why men only?
    Sex is not a dirty act. It is everybody's birth right.We have not conducted (to my knowledge) so far any research or survey about sex drive in educational institutions, in general and in various segments of society, so can't say with certainty to what extent it pleases women or men.I have tried to do something but uf.... both (men and women) are hypocrites(sorry to say), because none comes up honestly. Men boost, women deny.
    My discussion with some women tells they like sexual act, so much so that if encouraged they love to speak "dirty".(men don't encourage wives though they like it hearing from "girl-friend"-hypocrite).
    Women! open up.Open your minds, and mouth. Be Lilith, not docile, subordinate and bottom-partner. Be "Women on Top". Prove that you can also fuck (literally)men.

  5. Hahah Pakistani Caveman, LMAO. First off thanks for the laugh....Is it that u haven't understood most of the blog, that ur grasp of the english language is so weak that u are unable to articulate yourself, or that ur just plain ol' crazy? LOL, like seriously, Your very name proves my point. Some one who refers to themselves as a caveman can hardly be credible in this day and age.

    And secondly, where on earth have i said that men have more sex than women? I said ; during sex, men have more ORGASMS than women. Do you know what that is? You can;t argue with that buddy - especially in a country like Pakistan. And where on earth are u getting you stats? who says there are more lesbians than gay men?

    The entertainment level of your comment was priceless, so anytime you have something to say..feel free! :) And yah, u really caught on there for a second, most of my interviewees are highly westernised, as i mention time and time again in my earlier posts. They were the only kind of people that wanted to talk to me. Would you like to provide an alternate view? So thanks for pointing that out ;) but i already knew.

    Also, i mention more than once that Pakistan isnt the only place with problems where it comes to sex, surely the west has its own issues.

    you make me chuckle. Thanks.

  6. Wake up poor desi paki girls. You are living in 21st century. Enjoy... why not if he can screw around why not you.. no more shyness. have courage for multiple orgasms; learn and dont forget to watch the video link at: www.woodmansecret.com

  7. This is just me, but I think sex is terrible for women because Pakistani men are terrible at it. They're as you said, domineering. I suppose that stems from our conservative culture, sex is no matter what a dirty, haram act done by infidels and we just want to get it over with. Because of this the very act is trivialised, the sensual nature brutalized into something efficient, sex for sex's sake in effect.
    My advice to fellow bros, respect your woman. It's not a one way street, you need to make sex worthwhile for them too.

  8. @ anonymous #2 - lol ... well not ALL pakistani men are terrible at it... a lot of them just dont care to get the other person off... they're pretty self centred... and think sex is purely for male enjoyment.. thats the real tragedy... im sure the ones that give a fuck are pretty good. Im married to a Pakistani man.. didnt think i'd ever be... but hey he came along and woo-ed me with his openmindedness.. and i've certainly got no complaints in that department ;)
    I totally agree with your last statement, thats what needs to happen. Respect. And those that start caring more about their partner will soon see that sex is just so much better if both parties are actively invovled.