Friday, September 3, 2010
Everybody Needs Somebody to Love :P
(click on the image to view a larger version)
Some time early on in 2008:
I was welcomed recently into cyberspace by the appearance of a most curious pop-up….an ad for a website called “Dating Cheating Wives dot Com” :O !
This is some of what it said…
“They feel unwanted and neglected by their husbands. Start dating these wives and give spice to their lives.”
DatingCheatingWives.com is a discreet married dating site geared towards a sensual nature. These girls don't want to lose their families and most of them are looking for a good discreet encounter. We respect the privacy of our profiles and ask that you do the same.
DatingCheatingWives.com is the premier dating site for married women who need sensual attention. Most of their husbands are overseas or working hard at their jobs. These women are looking for that lack of sensual attention they deserve but still want to keep their families.
Aside from the weird ass grammer and writing skills (that make the copywriter in me cringe) - its pretty messed up. And in North America we have another such dating service called "Ashley Madison" Ugh, should be fucking illegal to assist people with cheating on their spouses. Perhaps the conservative in me comes out here...But thats just plain wrong. I mean DatingCheatingWives.Com is probably not even real married women, but just some kinda gimmick. Ashley Madison however, seems pretty fuckin real...and pretty fuckin sick. Pardon all the swearing, a lady never swears :P
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but if you're going to cheat, the least you can do is put some effort into it, and find your own way through that - what you should not be able to do is sign up for a service that makes your cheating experience smoother and hassle-free. What is wrong with this world?
So there you have it, arranged marriages aren’t the only ones aiding hypocrisy and double lives…and this is so much worse…you marry for love…get bored… and don’t even have the decency to own up to it. Grow a pair, I say!
Of course after searching for Ashley Madison ads on my computer I had to warn my husband that anything related in the search history had to do with writing. Lol, thankfully he's pretty understanding.
Anyhoo, I want to talk about my last arranged marriage post and what some of the interviewees had to say;
Sumeira makes it quite clear that she isn’t in favour of arranged marriage at all.
The effects of an arranged marriage really depend on what background you come from. Because in a lot of places “ok- arranged marriage is a woman’s duty…yes, hello I open legs-I make babies” that’s it. There is no such thing as satisfaction for a woman – they don’t even know that a woman can cum. In a society like this you need premarital sex so people can figure out what the hell is going on.
Her interpretation of it as a woman’s duty and becoming a baby-making sex machine is quite a reality for many women across Pakistan. And she’s definitely right about the fact that there isn’t much awareness about female sexuality…or satisfaction. But in a way…all throughout the West you’ll hear jokes about men not knowing how to locate a clitoris – so it’s a lack of awareness all around, I suppose, just in varying degrees. Female sexuality has always been so mysterious because it’s just not as ‘obvious’ as male sexuality :P Sorry guys, no offense, but let's just say external equipment is easier to 'operate'...
The point Sumeira is trying to make is that arranged marriage only propels that lack of awareness. I believe she’s right in assuming that people who usually agree to have arranged marriages tend to be conservative (unless they’re one of the types of hypocrites I mentioned earlier)…and conservative Pakistani people do not have premarital sex….in relation to that thought…. I think it’s pretty intriguing how Ambreen mentions that her and her husband go to know one another beforehand...
we had met each other ... and gotten to know each others bodies before the wedding night so it wasn't awkward...
This is an arranged marriage situation very different from Sumeira’s perception…or even mine. I guess things have progressed in that regard…but still, if you’re unorthodox enough to engage in premarital fooling around…why would you let your parents choose who you’ll be fooling around with in the first place? If anyone at all could explain that a bit better to me, then I'd be forever grateful... :) The logic just escapes me, but maybe I shouldn't be looking for logic in everything...
Marriage means something different to everyone I guess....it can be unorthodox, it can be fragile....it can be hypocritical...and most interesting of all are the alternative arrangements, like polygamy..... wtf is up with that! And why do we even have it in Pakistan....
I actually know a couple of older men in Pakistan that have more than one wife... Like for real....but they'd never speak to me... so i didnt even bother asking.
Even though it’s permitted in Islam for a man to have four wives – surprisingly - it isn’t as popular in Pakistan as in some other Muslim countries.
From what I’ve seen, it always gets really messy…
but whatever, back to arranged marriage – what do the guys say?
Fahad, Male, 24
Marriage can mean different things to different people. I don’t particularly like the concept of arranged marriage, but I don’t really dislike it either. I myself, didn’t want one… since I was a kid I used to tell my mother that I would find my own wife. But to each his own…When I wasn’t married I thought polygamy wasn’t such a big deal – but since I’ve been married myself, I realize that having sex involves more of an emotional aspect than a physical one. I think people should just marry one person, but they should have a choice…. If they want to marry more than one person and both parties consent…then they have every right.
Marriage has so many different arrangements, and ‘arranged’ marriage is only one of them… there’s swinging too…(laughs) I think it has some sort of a charm about it – as something, that’s very risqué, very dirty, very physical… but I know that if I was ever faced with a situation where I had to trade my partner I would feel VERY uncomfortable… and I would feel uncomfortable trading myself…its about how you view your relationship with someone else….for me it could just be sort of a wild fantasy that could never come true… and it wouldn’t come true because I wouldn’t want it to –but yeah its exciting, sometimes I’ve thought about it and it’s even aroused me.
Ultimately though, for most sexual relationships, the goal is marriage. Marriage is mainly used to cement that relationship…and people have different relationships…we can’t expect everyone’s marriage to be the same. Some people have open marriages, some have arranged marriages some have love marriages and some even have multiple marriages – you’ve just got to find what’s right for you - and definitely...every single type of arrangement out there has an effect on your sexuality.
Sultan, Male, 19
Arranged marriage doesn’t necessarily have a negative effect on people. If people don’t know each other and they are just physically attracted to each other based on each others looks…then if they get married and find out so many new things about each other … their whole life is just a journey into each others souls and each others hearts…if people can reach to some kind of agreement like that, then I think there’s nothing wrong with it – I think that might actually increase and heighten their sexuality. But if it turns out to be that one partner is extremely difficult and the other partner is forced to conform to the other partners desires... then I think it could be pretty ugly, I think it could have a very bad effect on someone.
Khizer, Male, 26
I think its abuse as far as sexuality goes. I’m not talking about guys because honestly speaking guys will screw anything. I disagree with arranged marriage, that girl has to have sex with the guy she has been married to; she is bound by law and culture, etc… I think the girl is making the biggest compromise of her life. If a girl says no to sex within an arranged marriage she still has to, if a guy says no its no, as far as our society goes.
Imad, Male, 25
As far as arranged marriage goes – I think it can work. Definitely, if both people are in the same frame of mind. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it – it’s also just another decision that people make…or they don’t make. Arranged marriage in terms of sexuality – yeah I guess that’s the only problem with arranged marriage; you don’t want to ‘force’ anything I guess. Women have faced a lot of problems with that – especially in our country, I know that for a fact. Otherwise...yes…sex can be equally good in an arranged marriage – I don’t think one has anything to do with the other. If you are ok with getting into an arranged marriage – then you’ll have fantastic sex I’m sure. But if you’re against it then you won’t.
Qasim, Male, 26
I don’t see there being anything wrong with it... I definitely don’t see arranged marriage as being a negative. As long as you’re not forced into it…there’s nothing wrong. It’s more or less just like going on a blind date or meeting someone through a friend. Normally, when you have a rishta (proposal) come in ... you have a month or so (at least)... to get to know the person.... so technically you’re dating.... and getting to know someone...
But I do think it does suppress your sexual relations with the person… More so from the girl’s perspective. Likely the girl is going to be submissive anyway.... so if you’re a guy you can do pretty much what you want with her. Girls are expected as a whole to be good girls... not very sexually explicit... and not very experimental.
Ali, Male, 29
Within an arranged marriage I think you cannot completely ever have the girl…basically... I don’t think she can get any pleasure out of an arranged marriage. For women especially, trust goes hand in hand with sexuality – and how can you trust someone you barely know?... The guy can obviously still get pleasure through sex…whether it’s within an arranged marriage or not – so that’s not the issue...but we should discourage arranged marriages in favour of women.... not because of men…since women are the one’s truly affected.
The word ‘force’ or ‘forced’ tends to crop up several times. As long as women aren’t forced into an arranged marriage…it should be ok – At least that’s what I understood to be the general concern in several accounts.
I suppose, women do tend to suffer more within that situation, and I’m so glad all the men see this. In a society where women are supposed to be shy, submissive and soft spoken – where their spouses are often picked for them….it’s only natural that their sexuality will be affected. After all…we’re at our most vulnerable when we’re naked.
`Fahad’s account covers everything…he simplifies it for us in the sense that it’s just another way for two people to get together and fall in love…
Arranged marriage may sound intimidating at first…. But when you break it down…it’s sort of how Qasim describes….
“It’s more or less just like going on a blind date or meeting someone through a friend.”
Of course it’s like a really long blind date….that goes on forever…and starts off with the wedding…. (I actually wrote this bit years before I ever saw that Ashley Madison ad...hmm..)
but essentially…. You’re being set up by someone….who means well (usually) and you take it from there. You’ve got all the hard stuff like commitment and wedding plans out of the way right at the start…so you can focus on each other. The only down side is….if this eternal blind date doesn’t work out… you can’t just walk away and never call again….
(hah... sounds totally like that commercial more and more...)
Khizer considers it ‘abuse’ as far as sexuality goes…especially for women….he’s right too…if it doesn’t work out…it’s the woman who suffers…a man can go elsewhere to get his 'needs satisfied' if they aren’t being taken care of at home….and that’s quite acceptable. But if the situation is reversed…the woman’s stuck at home….perhaps with a couple of screaming babies….and a loveless marriage she never wanted in the first place.
It then becomes like Sumeira said;
“…marriage is a done deal – that’s it baby you’re in the house, what are you going to do?”
I think we can conclude that there are so many ways a marriage can go wrong….arranged or not…and also, there’s a variety of ways people find love….some prefer it to be arranged by others and some don’t…the most important thing I learned through this discussion was to be more open minded and not dismiss arranged marriage as a thing of the past.
People should do what works for them…if there’s more awareness about sexuality…it’s less likely to be abused. Love is a strange thing and can come in many forms…when you’ve found it…you’ll know. (LMAO the 2008 version of me is kinda makin' me gag... musta been that kind of day :/ )
For me…it’s the most trivial things that get me brimming with love….like today…it’s the coldest day of 2008…it’s -27 degrees. I’m sitting here, typing with three pairs of socks on…two sweaters… Toronto has issued and ‘extreme weather alert’ and there’s tips on how to prevent frostbite on TV….I just hung up the phone with my husband…told him I was cold (heating isn’t the best in such extreme temperatures)….he called me back 10 minutes later to ask if the living room curtains were open….when I asked why…he said;
“…because it’s really sunny outside and you said you were cold…so I thought I’d tell you to open the curtains…maybe the sunlight can warm you up…”
Oh Gawsh, that is really sweet.... *blush*
But I do feel silly sharing that, meh whatever....I'm not a girly girl...and I know it. Even I'm allowed a sappy moment or two...
Till next time folks!